Film Review: Halloween (2018)

Release Date: September 8th, 2018 (Toronto International Film Festival)
Directed by: David Gordon Green
Written by: Jeff Fradley, Danny McBride, David Gordon Green
Based on: characters by John Carpenter, Debra Hill
Music by: John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter, Daniel Davies
Cast: Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, Andi Matichak, Will Patton, Toby Huss, Virginia Gardner, Nick Castle

Miramax, Blumhouse Productions, Trancas International Films, Rough House Pictures, Universal Pictures, 105 Minutes

Review:

“There’s a reason we’re supposed to be afraid of this night.” – Hawkins

Well, the highly anticipated Halloween is here.

This film is a direct sequel to the first movie and thus, ignores everything that came after the original film. So no hospital movie, no Michael hunting little Jamie, no Paul Rudd fighting a weirdo cult, no LL Cool J as a poor security guard and no Busta Rhymes karate moves. Most importantly though, none of that white trash Rob Zombie crap. Although, I did like Malcolm McDowell.

I guess the coolest thing about this isn’t bringing back Jamie Lee Curtis and John Carpenter (in some capacity), it’s actually getting Nick Castle back to play the Shape, as he was the original Michael Myers. Side note: did you know that the Shape a.k.a. Michael Myers directed The Last Starfighter?

Anyway, jumping right in, I thought that the first half hour or so of the movie was slow. All of that could have been condensed down to ten minutes, really. This is a slasher film and doesn’t need to give us giant spoonfuls of exposition. Just give us the quick rundown of where the story is and go for it.

After that first half hour, things really pick up but I felt that the middle act of the picture almost went too fast. Michael starts killing and he kills a lot. However, once you get to the big finale at the Strode house in the woods, it slows to a crawl again.

I get that this final act was an attempt at building tension, which it does do well, but as Laurie carefully moved through her house looking for Michael, I was just sitting in my chair thinking, “Hurry it up, already.” I mean, if she was so prepared for Michael coming for her, she should of lived in a one room cabin and not a maze full of mannequins and junk store trinkets.

As far as the kills go, it was a mixed bag. Too many kills happen off screen, which I hate in a slasher film. Commit to the f’n bit and show it! Show it all! What’s more baffling is that the kills that they do show are pretty brutal. So why give us a mixture of violent kills and off screen kills? Were the filmmakers teetering on making this PG-13?

One thing about this movie that really got me into it though was the use of John Carpenter’s music. He did the score for this one and kept it very traditional and tapped into the themes of the original. However, as the film rolls on, those famous tunes start to evolve and Carpenter did some really neat stuff musically. I’ll probably buy this film’s score on vinyl if I come across it at my local record shop.

Another positive is the psychology of this film. I don’t mean to spoil anything but this starts out like a typical Halloween film once Michael gets free but eventually you come to see that the hunter is actually the hunted. Laurie Strode wanted him outside again so that she could finally kill him and finally close this long, dark chapter of her life. Laurie becomes a badass and spends decades preparing for this night in an effort to deal with her PTSD. It’s ruined her life, her marriages, her family and she just wants to put this MFer to bed, once and for all.

However, even though I prefer this movie to H2O, I preferred the other version of Laurie Strode better. Also, that film had that great iconic moment where Laurie and Michael come face to face through a small window. That really was a great moment and gave that film more meaning than it should have had. This new film didn’t have that sort of confrontation, which would’ve actually done more to build tension than Laurie slowly walking through a dark house with a shotgun. Having Laurie and Michael look into each others eyes is something that needed to happen, it froze me in my seat when I saw that in H2O. Nothing about this Halloween came close to having that effect on me.

In the end, I was really happy with the movie. It hits the right notes, most of the time. It was also a great homage to the original film and a few other horror classics. We haven’t had a good slasher film in quite awhile and this at least satisfied the part of me that’s been yearning for a real throwback to my favorite era and subgenre of horror.

Rating: 7/10
Pairs well with: Halloween 124 and 5.

Film Review: Resident Evil (2002)

Also known as: Resident Evil: The Movie, Resident Evil: Ground Zero (working titles), Biohazard (Japanese English title), Resident Evil – Genesis (Switzerland)
Release Date: March 12th, 2002 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Based on: Resident Evil by Capcom
Music by: Marco Beltrami, Marilyn Manson
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, Eric Mabius, James Purefoy, Martin Crewes, Colin Salmon, Jason Issacs (narrator/cameo)

Constantin Film, New Legacy Films, Pathé, 100 Minutes

Review:

“You’re all going to die down here.” – The Red Queen

I never saw this when it came out and I didn’t have much urge to, as I wasn’t invested in the video game series and it looked like a low budget action horror film that didn’t pay much attention to what the first game was. Based off of my experience playing the original Resident Evil, when I originally saw the trailer for this, I was baffled by it.

However, this has gone on to spawn a half dozen movies and is the most successful film franchise based on a video game, so I figured I’d kill 100 minutes and actually give it a watch, 16 years later.

Well, it’s not terrible but it also isn’t very good. It had some decent bits in it but most of it felt as soulless as the zombies roaming in and out of the picture.

I guess the worst part of it all was the acting. Milla Jovovich was actually pretty decent and Eric Mabius wasn’t bad but everyone else around them delivered their lines like a punch to the gut. Most of these character and the actors portraying them were pretty off putting. Michelle Rodriguez’s line delivery certainly takes the cake for acting cringe in this film.

The special effects are good when they are practical effects. The CGI employed in this is fucking terrible. From what I’ve seen from later films in the series, the creature CGI effects at least improve beyond this film. The Licker creature, which was the big bad of the movie, looked atrocious. The digital monsters looked like something from a SyFy movie but a SyFy movie when it was still 2002.

As far as a positives, I really liked the concept and the idea of the Hive, an underground tech heavy fortress controlled by an evil A.I. called the Red Queen. I felt like there was a lot that they could do with this but it was left pretty unexplored, other than a few key moments like when the task force got sliced to pieces by lasers. But this also felt like it was heavily borrowed from Cube.

This was a fast paced, fun movie. I’ll give it that. I wasn’t bored watching it or waiting for things to pick up. However, I did suffer from my mind going numb due to stupid characters making stupid decisions.

Also, another positive is that I feel like I should watch the other movies as well. I’ve never seen any of these in their entirety. I’ve seen bits and pieces of some of the sequels but I don’t even know which ones. It just seems like these movies are on FX all the time.

Anyway, I guess I’ll follow this up shortly with reviews of the other five Resident Evil movies.

Rating: 6.25/10
Pairs well with: the pther Resident Evil films, as well as other horror video game films from the same era: the Silent Hill series and Doom.

Film Review: Kazaam (1996)

Release Date: July 17th, 1996
Directed by: Paul Michael Glaser
Written by: Christian Ford, Roger Soffer, Paul Michael Glaser
Music by: Christopher Tyng
Cast: Shaquille O’Neal, Francis Capra, Ally Walker, James Acheson, Da Brat (cameo)

Touchstone Pictures, Interscope Communications, PolyGram Filmed Entertainment, Buena Vista Pictures, 94 Minutes

Review:

“He’s A Rappin’ Genie With An Attitude… And He’s Ready For Slam-Dunk Fun!” – marketing tagline

I’ve never seen this until now. And I can’t believe I’m saying this but it isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s f’n terrible but it’s not 2.9 on IMDb terrible. More like a solid 4.

Anyway, the story is bad, the special effects are really bad and the acting may be even worse. But this is a film that has some charm to it.

At this point in his career, Shaq couldn’t act himself out of a wet paper bag and he’s not much better over twenty years later but man, he needed some acting coaches before jumping into this weird movie.

He was still really likable in this, however, but rapping half of his lines was probably unnecessary. Then again, this came out at the same time he was a few albums deep into his short rap career. I just felt like this movie and his rap albums were the result of people not being able to tell him “no” when he wanted to do other things outside of basketball.

I think the glue of this picture was the kid Max, played by Francis Capra, who wasn’t a one-off child actor, he still works consistently in Hollywood today. The kid had charisma and as a character, I cared about him, even if this was a stupid and strange movie. His East Coast, New York attitude kind of reminded me of Ralph Macchio in The Karate Kid.

The premise is about this bullied kid who frees a genie from a magic boom box. Yes, you read that right. Genie Shaq then spends a lot of time trying to convince the kid that he is a genie but his magic never works. Then it starts working and the kid takes the whole damn movie to come up with his three wishes. Genie Shaq, in the meantime, starts a rap career in the movie. So he is literally a rapping genie. You also read that right.

So the kid is trying to connect with his scumbag, criminal father. Eventually, the biological dad decides to fix his life and do what’s right by his son. The son then also learns to accept his step father, who really is the better male role model in his life. Genie Shaq eventually gets free and leaves to have a life with some chick that’s into rapping genies the size of a Sasquatch.

Anyway, you could probably go your entire life not knowing that this film even exists but what fun would that be? Sure, it’s probably a waste of your time but sometimes wasting time is a good use of time… or so a fortune cookie said to me once. Granted, I was hammered on Zhujiang and tweaking from monosodium glutamate, so I could have read it wrong.

Rating: 4/10
Pairs well with: Steel with Shaq.

Comic Review: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero – Classics, Vol. 5

Published: September 9th, 2009 (IDW reprint version)
Written by: Larry Hama
Art by: Rod Whigham
Based on: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero by Hasbro

Marvel Comics (original printing), IDW Publishing (reprinted), 235 Pages

Review:

This was such a fun read and I powered through it pretty damn quickly for a trade paperback of its size.

This volume is also a transitional period for the G.I. Joe franchise. This is the bridge between the first generation of toys to the second. This starts with the characters and vehicles you know from the first season of the TV show but it slowly introduces characters and vehicles from the second season. This also ends with the story that sees the creation of Serpentor, the short lived Cobra leader that wrestled power away from Cobra Commander.

Other first appearances here, just to name a few from memory, are Scrap Iron, Dr. Mindbender, Airtight, Alpine, Quick Kick, Beachhead, Bazooka and Zarana.

The stories here are all pretty good. This continues to go the route of being a bigger interconnected saga than just having episodic tales, which is how I prefer the G.I. Joe comic series.

There are two big highlights to this volume, one is the aforementioned creation of Serpentor, the other is the first real team-up of Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. They finally discover who killed their master and go to Cobra Island to seek revenge.

Volume 5 also has a lot of Dreadnok stuff and as I’ve said in earlier reviews, they are my favorite group in the G.I. Joe universe. And since Zarana shows up, at the end, we also get our first new member of the group since their debut some time before this. That only means that Monkey Wrench and Thrasher aren’t too far behind.

There was also a lot of good stuff regarding the “Fred” character in this. He becomes even more important later on. We also got to see more of Billy training with Storm Shadow.

This was a solid volume of classic G.I. Joe tales. Larry Hama was on his A game with these stories and Rod Whigham was killing it on the art side.

Rating: 9.5/10
Pairs well with: Any of the original Marvel G.I. Joe and Transformers comics.

Filet Mignon Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

So filet mignon.. lord, this is long overdue but I mentioned about how I was going to discuss this cut of meat several weeks ago but still haven’t yet apart from a mouse maze I drew (see below) and a meatku (a.k.a. a “meat haiku”) where I lambasted it (also see below). Well, here goes.

Filet mignon is regarded by many, if not most, to be the supreme cut of beef that one can get. It is expensive, small and despite how much there actually is in a cow, it is perceived as rare.

Fuck all that! A beef tenderloin is pretty damn big and filet mignon is just cut up beef tenderloin. It is readily available in decent sized portions. People need to stop looking at it like it’s a magical unicorn ovary. But speaking of portions, a beef tenderloin is like the size of a young elephant’s trunk, so why just cut it into small filet mignon meat discs? Fuck you cowboys! Give me the whole goddamned tenderloin with a barrel of Peter Luger sex sauce and I’m good! 6 oz. cut? Are you out of your everliving fucking mind?

Now filet mignon gets its appeal because out of all cuts of beef, it has the least amount of fat. It is also tiny, which just means that it is the perfect red meat meal for wannabe high class white bitches to chew vehemently as they pound some piss colored swill they call sauvignon blanc, puffing on Capris, waiting for the fondue cart to roll by. This is a Weight Watchers steak and should be avoided if other cuts are available to you such as ribeyes, porterhouses, New York strips, t-bones, etc.

So while these white bitches gnaw on this cut, as they slice through it surgically – making tiny white girl morsels, I am reminded – by witnessing this – just how overrated and lame filet mignon really is. Anyone with any sort of knowledge about food should be aware of two very common sense things in regards to life. 1.) Fat = Flavor. 2.) Small portions are for tiny birds with fruity looking feather arrays. With that being said, filet mignon violates both of these crucial laws.

It severely lacks the flavor of the most superior cut: ribeye. Also, it is tinier than a squirrel’s penis. And on top of that, it is more expensive than any other cut. If you gravitate towards filet mignon, you need to understand that you are gullible and susceptible to other grand deceptions like religion, politics and NBC’s The Voice.

Filet mignon is bullshit. It’s a waste of your time, your money and a cow’s resources. Funny thing is, I recently read a blog on Thrillist where it asked what popular meat is most overrated and almost unanimously, the world’s best chefs stated “filet mignon”. Why? Because once again, filet mignon – as a concept, as an ideal, as a belief is complete and utter bullshit.

If some of you who read this still love filet, let me pose this question: if you have a pork tenderloin and cut a one inch thick circular bit out of the middle of it, do you call that pork mignon? No! Because it is pork fucking tenderloin! That’s why filet mignon is the worst lie ever sold!

P.S.: The word “mignon” is French, which should already raise masculinity’s eyebrow a bit. Also, “mignon” translates in English to “cute” and “dainty”. Man the fuck up, America! And yes women, you need to man the fuck up too!

A meatku I wrote about filet mignon:
Overrated bitch!
Slightly flavorless and dry.
No fat, white girl steak.

Quotes by world renown chefs on filet mignon (taken from Thrillist):

It’s one-dimensional. Give me a shoulder or a piece of chuck, and I’ll give you something that’s really rich in flavor.” – John Besh: James Beard Award winner behind August, The American Sector, LÜKE (NOLA) and so many more

It’s boring and has very little flavor.” – Tom Colicchio: Top Chef Judge, the man behind Craft, Craftsteak, Colicchio & Sons and more

There’s not much flavor and not a lot of fat. It was classic back in the day, and obviously it’s expensive, but it’s not a flavorful piece of meat to me. There’s a time and a place for it, but there are much better cuts.” – Josh Capon: NYCWFF Burger Bash Winner, Exec. Chef at Lure Fishbar, B&B Winepub and El Toro Blanco (NYC)

It’s trash. It is a non-working muscle, which makes it super-tender (because the cow doesn’t use it), but has no flavor and is only palatable when forced on a long airplane ride.” – Michael White: Exec. Chef of Marea, Ai Fiori, Osteria Morini, Nicoletta (NYC)

There is very little marbling and not a lot of fat, which means less flavor.” – Bill Telepan: Exec. Chef, Telepan (NYC)

Film Review: Hardware (1990)

Also known as: M.A.R.K. 13 (alternate title)
Release Date: August, 1990 (Edinburgh International Film Festival)
Directed by: Richard Stanley
Written by: Richard Stanley
Based on: SHOK! by Steve MacManus, Kevin O’Neill (uncredited/plagarized)
Music by: Simon Boswell
Cast: Dylan McDermott, Stacey Travis, John Lynch, William Hootkins, Iggy Pop (voice), Lemmy Kilmister (cameo)

Palace Pictures, British Screen Productions, British Satellite Broadcasting, 94 Minutes

Review:

“[on radio] Kill! Kill! Kill! Today’s death count is 578.” – Angry Bob

For a movie that doesn’t really work when you put too much thought into it, Hardware is still a pretty intense picture that masterfully builds up tension and suspense. I have some issues with it but it brings a lot more good than bad to the table.

I guess my biggest gripe is that it takes way too long to really get into it. The first half is slow and actually pretty boring. However, once the killer robot is fully functional, at about the movie’s midpoint, things go nuts and you’re glued to the screen until it all plays out.

However, this robot is self repairing, covered in armor and locked in an apartment with an unprepared woman that falls asleep. She wakes up just in time to dodge the robot’s first attack but then this hardcore killing machine just chills in the shadows of the already dark apartment. I just assume that a killer robot would go full throttle into kill mode because this woman has no weapons, poses no real threat and flesh is soft and easy to tear apart. I never understood why the robot just laid back like he did. But hey, at least he picks off the creepy sleezeball dude.

What I really like about the film is the tone. It’s post-apocalyptic which was done to death by 1990 but this felt like a strong cocktail mixed with Mad Max and Blade Runner with a 151 Terminator floater. It has such a hard edge to it that it laughs at the word “gravitas”. And the woman does become quite the badass over the course of the picture. Plus, you’ve got Iggy Pop and Lemmy Kilmister in this. It’s punk, it’s metal, it’s rock and fucking roll, bay-bay!

I love the robot’s design in this film. I also liked that his skull started out as just a piece of art and it was painted with an American flag for its face. This was one of the coolest killer robots of the era.

Hardware is pretty much forgotten but it is still a solid sci-fi thriller with a nice amount of gory bits.

Rating: 6.5/10
Pairs well with: Incidents in an Expanding UniverseDeath MachineDust Devil and Saturn 3.

 

Comic Review: Red Hood and the Outlaws, Vol. 4: Good Night Gotham

Published: November 6th, 2018
Written by: Scott Lobdell
Art by: Dexter Soy

DC Comics, 184 Pages

Review:

Good Night Gotham is a pivotal story arc in the Red Hood and the Outlaws series post-Rebirth. It is the story where Red Hood crosses a line and is kicked out of Gotham City by his former mentor and friend, Batman. The line he crossed was shooting Penguin in the face on live television.

Following this story, Red Hood went off on his own, once again, and the comic was then simply re-titled Red Hood: Outlaw.

What does kind of suck, is that I really enjoyed the trio that made up Red Hood’s Outlaws team. Along with Red Hood, you had Artemis and Bizarro, who throughout this title’s run, was actually a super genius. Well, a super genius with a catch, as he struggled to maintain his intelligence and feared reverting back to the lummox that he once was. Bizarro’s journey throughout this series has been great and we sadly see it come to an end for now, as Jason Todd a.k.a. the Red Hood, is forced to move on and his allies are stuck dealing with their own new problem.

This has consistently been one of my favorite DC Comics series that has come out in recent years. I’ve always loved Jason Todd and I feel like he was well represented in this book. This volume brings things to a new level of badass and Todd taps back into the hard edge that he’s been missing lately.

I love the art in this series but it’s the writing that has really yanked me in and kept me invested. In fact, I want to go back and read the three volumes before this one, once again, as it just hit all the right notes for me.

I also loved the story here between Red Hood and the Penguin and it was nice seeing the Penguin as a sinister presence, as opposed to the mostly lame side character he has been now for years. He feels like a true villain and a formidable foe, something that he hasn’t been for quite some time.

Good Night Gotham is high octane end of an era for the character of Red Hood, his team and also a good way to kick off the next phase of his life.

Rating: 7.75/10
Pairs well with: the other Red Hood and the Outlaws collections post-Rebirth. Also, the recent Bat-family titles: NightwingBatgirl and also the current runs on Suicide Squad and Deathstroke.