Film Review: Get Carter (1971)

Release Date: February 3rd, 1971 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: Mike Hodges
Written by: Mike Hodges
Based on: Jack’s Return Home by Ted Lewis
Music by: Roy Budd
Cast: Michael Caine, Ian Hendry, John Osborne, Britt Ekland

MGM-EMI, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 112 Minutes

Review:

“You know, I’d almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow.” – Jack Carter

I can’t believe I never watched this film until now. It’s a cool ass motion picture. Now I did see the remake with Stallone from 2000 but that one left a bad taste in my mouth. This however, was a balls out revenge fest.

Michael Caine plays Jack Carter. He discovers that his deceased brother was murdered by some mobsters. He then spends the rest of the movie on a revenge quest, knocking off the scum that were behind his brother’s death.

There are also a lot of babes and Caine gets to toy around with several, most notably the incredibly sexy Britt Ekland, who gets naked. She would go on to be a Bond girl in The Man With the Golden Gun and would get even more naked in The Wicker Man.

I loved Caine in this and it is so cool seeing him kick serious ass in his younger days. Sure, he kicks ass as an older man too but he just had a presence here that made him debonair, dangerous and pretty fucking sexy, if I do say so myself. I’m not gay but I can appreciate a masculine dime piece through straight eyes.

This film also had film-noir elements to it, which pulled me in right away. This is more of a neo-noir, as it has that sort of style to it. The tone reminds me of Jean-Pierre Melville’s Le Samouraï.

The plot has noir styled twists and turns and it throws femme fatales into the mix but you never really feel like Caine’s Carter could be outwitted by them.

There really isn’t anything negative I can say about the picture. It was well acted, well directed and had some stupendous camera work and cinematography.

Rating: 8.25/10
Pairs well with: Other old school Michael Caine movies: The Italian Job, PulpThe Ipcress FileFuneral In Berlin.

Film Review: Saturn 3 (1980)

Also known as: The Helper (working title), Saturn-City (Germany), Kronos III (Greece)
Release Date: February 15th, 1980
Directed by: Stanley Donen, John Barry (uncredited)
Written by: Martin Amis, John Barry
Music by: Elmer Bernstein
Cast: Farrah Fawcett, Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel

ITC Entertainment, Associated Film Distribution, 88 Minutes

Review:

“Now tell me. Can you talk? Or are you malfunctioning?” – Benson, “I AM NOT MALFUNCTIONING – YOU ARE” – Hector

This film has three actors and a killer robot. Well two actors, a robot and Farrah Fawcett, who isn’t as robotic as the robot but is clearly overshadowed by the two other actors in this: Kirk Douglas and Harvey Keitel. Fawcett was the top billed star however, as she was at the absolute height of her career when this came out and she got her boobies out, which was something to behold when I was way too young to see this film for the first time.

I remembered this movie feeling incredibly cheesy and it does have a lot of cheese. However, it is also better than my memory’s recollection of it.

This film is pretty damn dark for looking like it was made on leftover sets from Battlestar Galactica. The robot is creepier than most of the killer robots from the time period. However, the story behind the robot and why it is a killer is more interesting than what similar films did, as he actually has a backstory and you fully understand why he is out for blood.

This film has a lot of narrative layers to it, which was impressive for a 1980 sci-fi film with an obviously small budget. There is some real philosophy in this movie, which was way over my head as a kid.

Harvey Keitel was a great slimeball in this but he wasn’t as disturbing as his role in Taxi Driver. But he did bring some of that darkness into this and he was great as the villainous Benson.

Kirk Douglas was typical Kirk Douglas as the more heroic male character of the two and he just came off as he always does, as a real man’s man.

Fawcett was also pretty impressive when you compare this to her most famous role as one of Charlie’s Angels. She got to be dramatic in this and showed signs that she could perform well beyond just being a TV sex symbol. I wouldn’t say that she ever became great but had her career continued on an upward trajectory, she wouldn’t have been half bad.

Saturn 3 looks fantastical and lighthearted in its style but it is a pretty dark movie with some disturbing undertones to it. It’s definitely worth checking out if you like sci-fi films of its era.

Rating: 6.75/10
Pairs well with: Outland, The Black HoleFlash Gordon (1980), The Last Starfighter, Dune and the original Battlestar Galactica TV series.

Film Review: For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Release Date: June 24th, 1981 (London premiere)
Directed by: John Glen
Written by: Michael G. Wilson, Richard Maibaum
Based on: the James Bond novels by Ian Fleming
Music by: Bill Conti
Cast: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Lynn Holly Johnson, Julian Glover, Cassandra Harris, Charles Dance, Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell

Eon Productions, United Artists, 127 Minutes

Review:

“Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen! In stainless steel!” – Blofeld

This used to be my least favorite Roger Moore James Bond movie and because of that, I hadn’t watched it in a really long time. Having revisited it now, I’m not sure why I considered it so low. I actually enjoyed it but maybe that’s also because I hadn’t seen it in over a decade.

I guess what I like about this is that it feels more serious than Moore’s other Bond movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Moore era cheese but this showed me what he was capable of had his scripts been a bit more refined and less campy. And while this does have some campiness, it’s not there to greet you with a wide smile every five minutes. This is action heavy and some of the moments in the film have serious consequences. The tone is similar to the more serious Connery pictures or the Timothy Dalton ones that came later.

The big dune buggy battle on the beach is pretty intense and it leaves you with a similar feeling of loss as the painful and emotional ending of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Granted, it’s nowhere near as impactful as that but it does parallel that situation in some ways and it shows that this chapter in the Moore era isn’t just a live action cartoon.

This film also calls back to the Connery era with its underwater scenes that feel like they’re straight out of Thunderball. These scenes look a little more polished however, as it’s been over fifteen years since Thunderball was released.

Also, we get Connery’s big bad guy in the opening sequence of this film. We see Ernst Stavro Blofeld return and pretty much get killed off, as he wouldn’t return to the series until the modern Daniel Craig era. This was probably due to the studio losing the rights to SPECTRE after the Connery films. This was Eon’s way of killing SPECTRE and frankly, everyone was clamoring to see Blofeld finally get his just desserts after mysteriously disappearing from the series before Bond was able to get some proper revenge.

One cool thing about For Your Eyes Only is that the villain is Julian Glover a.k.a. Walter Donovan from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and General Veers from The Empire Strikes Back. I’ve always been a big fan of Glover and he has been a villain in three of my all-time favorite franchises. He is pretty tame as a Bond villain though and isn’t as memorable or gimmicky as some of the more famous baddies but he had a good presence in the film nonetheless.

I also really like the young ice skater girl. Sure, she was a bit annoying and too young for Bond but I found her charming and entertaining. Kudos to Lynn-Holly Johnson for bringing her to life and making her a character that contrasts her more famous role in Ice Castles. My mum loved Ice Castles, I was tortured by it as a kid. That and The Cutting Edge. My mum loved friggin’ ice skating movies. She said Slap Shot didn’t count though, even though I pointed out the skating skills of the Hanson Bros. on numerous occasions.

Back to the topic at hand, For Your Eyes Only was a Bond film that I wasn’t super fond of. But it’s moved up the mental list stored in my head and maybe I should update the list I posted on this site awhile ago.

Rating: 7.25/10
Pairs well with: The other Roger Moore James Bond movies.

Film Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Also known as: Fantastic Four 2, Fantastic Four and the Silver Surfer, Fantastic Four: The Next Chapter (working titles)
Release Date: June 12th, 2007 (London premiere)
Directed by: Tim Story
Written by: Don Payne, Mark Frost, John Turman
Based on: Fantastic Four by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby
Music by: John Ottman
Cast: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington, Andre Braugher, Doug Jones, Beau Garrett, Laurence Fishburne (voice), Brian Posehn

Marvel Entertainment, Constantin Film, 1492 Pictures, Dune Entertainment, 20th Century Fox, 92 Minutes

Review:

“…I stayed in and studied like a good little nerd. And fifteen years later, I’m one of the greatest minds of the 21st century. I’m engaged to the hottest girl on the planet. And the big jock who played football in high school, he’s standing right in front of me asking me for my help, and I say he’s not going to get a damn thing, unless he does exactly what I say and starts treating me and my friends with some respect.” – Reed Richards

After revisiting the first film in this duology, which was really just an unfinished trilogy, I thought that I’d watch this one again too. Granted, I didn’t expect to be wowed by it, as I wasn’t wowed in the first place when it came out 11 years ago. But I’ve been slowly working my way through the Marvel films that existed before the Marvel Cinematic Universe kicked off with Iron Man in 2008.

I thought that I preferred this one to its predecessor from what I remembered. However, having watched them again, this is the shitty one of the two films. Both are really shitty, mind you.

There is so much wrong with this film that it’s hard to pick where to start but I guess a lot of it can be lumped into one thing: tone. The tone just doesn’t work and this picture doesn’t seem to know what it’s trying to be. This is a mish mash of extreme cheese, rom com cringe, buddy movie antics, sci-fi thriller elements, terrible villains and a pail full of wet turds.

The extreme cheese portion of the movie is the type of stuff that will make you puke in your mouth while experiencing uncontrollable shivers. If you don’t believe me, just watch the Reed Richards dance scene. Ioan Gruffudd is probably a nice enough guy but this whole sequence makes me hate him, the director and the special effects team. And ultimately, I cried inside because Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis had to be a part of it.

The rom com cringe comes from all the Reed Richards and Susan Storm marriage bullshit. There’s this ongoing joke throughout the movie about how their wedding keeps getting interrupted, it’s played up for comedy when it’s really not that funny and always takes a turn towards a serious attempt at stopping a threat which is poorly executed each time and falls victim to the extreme cheese residue that seems to be smeared over the celluloid that this was filmed on. Plus, this is one of the most unconvincing romantic relationships I have ever seen on screen.

When it comes to the buddy movie antics, the first film handled this stuff much better. I actually loved the relationship between Johnny and Ben in the first chapter. It carries over into this one but this story is more about how much of a fuck up Johnny is and it’s just not as funny. And since he becomes a responsible grown up by the end of the picture, it probably would’ve been worse in the third picture that didn’t get made. But where they try to push the buddy comedy shtick here, it just feels like a soulless copy of what’s already been done.

Then the film also tries to get serious and be a real science fiction thriller. The problem is that you are so bogged down by the cheesy bullshit that it doesn’t fit. I guess the best way to describe the confusing tone is to imagine taking a movie like Step Brothers and then trying to edit it together into one film with Terminator 2. The shit just doesn’t work and it’s weird.

Plus, Jessica Alba’s Sue Storm looks even more unbelievably bizarre in this film than the previous one. She’s a beautiful woman but the blonde hair and blue eyes are so exaggerated here that she looks like an alien in some scenes. I mean, it’s really fucking distracting. But in some scenes she looks fine too. Really, her whole look throughout the film is grossly inconsistent and when she does look weird, it’s super weird because 30 seconds earlier she probably looked okay.

I have to discuss the villain problem as well.

For one, I hated Julian McMahon as Doctor Doom in the first movie and he’s just so much worse in this one. The dude does everything he can to not wear the Doom mask, which is the main thing that makes the villain visually terrifying. But then when he does wear it, his dubbing is fucking deplorable. He doesn’t sound like a mad scientist in a cool mask, he sounds like a male dance choreographer trying to berate six year-old ballet students that don’t have the attention span to commit to his community theater production.

Then there is Galactus. Or isn’t there? One of the most powerful villains in the entire history of Marvel Comics is simply a cloud in this film. A fucking cloud. I don’t think I need to say anymore about that.

Also, the plot makes no sense by the time you get to the end. The Silver Surfer is helping Galactus eat planets because if he doesn’t, Galactus will eat his homeworld. But then in the end, Susan Storm convinces the Silver Surfer to stop him. So how does he do it? The Surfer flies into the cloud, tells the cloud he isn’t his servant anymore and then the cloud blows up and goes away. Couldn’t the Silver Surfer have just done this like fifty planets ago? Hell, couldn’t have just gotten Galactus’ power and then instantly turned on him without actually leaving his own planet and not only saving it but also all the worlds he prepared for his master like duck confit with a side of foie gras and truffle risotto?

Fuck, this movie is so stupid.

So I must put this movie through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 1 Stool: Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass).”

Rating: 3.5/10
Pairs well with: 2005’s Fantastic Four and the 2015 reboot. And I can’t forget 1994’s unreleased Fantastic Four film, which can be tracked down and seen nowadays. However, all these movies are terrible.

Film Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Also known as: Wolverine (working title)
Release Date: April 8th, 2009 (Sydney premiere)
Directed by: Gavin Hood
Written by: David Benioff, Skip Woods
Based on: Wolverine by Roy Thomas, Len Wein and John Romita Sr., X-Men by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby
Music by: Harry Gregson-Williams
Cast: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Ryan Reynolds, Lynn Collins, Danny Huston, Dominic Monaghan, Taylor Kitsch, Will.i.am, Kevin Durand, Daniel Henney, Patrick Stewart (cameo)

Marvel Entertainment, Dune Entertainment, 20th Century Fox, 107 Minutes (Theatrical), 119 Minutes (Extended Cut)

Review:

[Wolverine reveals his adamantium claws] “Oooh, shiny! Tell me something, Jimmy. Do you even know how to kill me?” – Sabretooth, “I’m gonna cut your goddamned head off! See if that works!” – Wolverine

This was the only X-Men related film that I had never seen. When the trailers first started coming out, I was completely turned off. I figured I’d see it in the theater after it was out for awhile but then I heard what everyone else thought of it, so my fears seemed to be true. I really just never had an urge to watch this and I love several of the characters and the actors in this picture. But, I have HBO and it is streaming on their app, so I figured I’d finally bite the bullet nine years later.

Well, it’s not as bad as I thought it would be but it’s still not very good.

The main problem with the film is how boring it is. Yes, it has a lot of action but it all felt generic, derivative and most of the sequences were so nonsensical it was hard not to laugh. The whole motorcycle versus helicopter chase scene was horrendous. Don’t even get me started on the Wolverine versus Deadpool fight. Besides, I’ll get to Deadpool in a minute.

This was just a dull film. I actually fell asleep twice and had to rewind back to pick up the last spot I remembered a few times. I didn’t watch this that late either, I put it on at six o’clock in the evening and then I was up for another three hours after I finished this snoozefest.

I guess the worst part about the film is that it destroys the continuity we know. Granted, each X-Men movie after the first found a way to mess up continuity but this film really takes the friggin’ cake. So is Liev Schreiber’s Sabretooth the same guy from 2000’s X-Men? I get that Wolverine loses his memory in this film but it still doesn’t make a lick of sense. We also get Emma Frost but then later they put her in First Class and then just said, “Oh yeah, Emma from the Origins movie that has the same power as Emma Frost isn’t actually Emma Frost, she’s just Emma… Emma with the same powers.” Gambit and the Blob are also in this movie but their roles are so small that they’re sort of pointless and served no purpose, especially since they never came back.

Then you get the biggest clusterfuck of all: Deadpool. This would have made sense had they kept him as he was in the first third of the film. But then they take the “Merc with a Mouth”, sew his mouth shut, don’t give him the Deadpool costume but end up giving him like a zillion mutant powers but mostly turned him into a Chinese knockoff of Baraka from the Mortal Kombat games. I mean, this was worse for Ryan Reynolds than his terrible Green Lantern film.

This is a movie where a whole bunch of stuff happens but none of it seems that important and frankly, I can’t even remember most of it and I just watched this movie.

So what’s good about it?

Well, Jackman was solid and so was Liev Schreiber. I also liked Reynolds as Deadpool even though he very much feels like the diet version of the character. That is, until they sew his mouth shut and crap all over the character in every way imaginable.

So there’s not much else I really like but I guess it was cool seeing Dominic Monaghan in this, as well as getting a glimpse at Gambit, even if he was mostly pointless.

I’ll probably never revisit this film.

Rating: 5/10
Pairs well with: The original X-Men trilogy of films. Also, the other two Wolverine pictures.

Documentary Review: The Four Year Plan (2011)

Release Date: November 16th, 2011 (IDFA Festival – Netherlands)
Directed by: Mat Hodgson
Music by: Rob Lord

Ad Hoc Films, 99 Minutes

Review:

*Written in 2014.

The Four Year Plan is another soccer documentary in a long series of soccer documentaries that I’ve been watching the last week or so. It follows the Queens Park Rangers (or QPR) as they are faced with relegation, new ownership and their fight to get promoted back into the Premier League.

This film was done almost guerrilla style, as the cameras were left rolling seemingly at all times. We get looks into the locker room, the boardroom and every other realm that involves running and managing a soccer team. The footage was top quality and was edited together nicely, providing the viewer with an engaging story of failure turned to perseverance.

Giving good perspective into the business side of things is what I found most interesting in this film because there isn’t a lot that I have seen in my lifetime that shows the behind the scenes meetings of British soccer with so much transparency. I’m obviously aware that they didn’t show their most secret meetings and sessions but you still got to go deeper into this world than you would expect.

In the end, it was a good sports documentary that gave serious insight into the world of British soccer, which most Americans don’t have access to. The action parts of the film were also well presented and gave it a good balance between the sport and the business.

Rating: 7.75/10
Pairs well with: One Night In Turin, Hillsborough, Once in a Lifetime: The Extraordinary Story of the New York Cosmos and ESPN’s 30 For 30: Soccer Stories series.

Film Review: The Projected Man (1966)

Also known as: Frankenstein 70 – Das Ungeheuer mit der Feuerklaue (Germany), Laser X: operazione uomo (Italy)
Release Date: March, 1966 (UK)
Directed by: Ian Curteis, John Croydon (uncredited)
Written by: Peter Bryan, John C. Cooper, Frank Quattrocchi
Music by: Kenneth V. Jones
Cast: Bryant Haliday, Mary Peach, Norman Wooland, Ronald Allen, Derek Farr

Compton Productions, Universal Studios, 90 Minutes

Review:

“Pretty you may be.” – Chris Mitchell

Ugh… why?! Why was this made?!

This turkey is terrible. And if it actually was a turkey, it’d be a giant mass of dried out, tough to chew, hard to swallow turkey. Kind of like the turkey my Aunt Grace made that one year for Thanksgiving when she passed out drunk on Rebel Yell and none of us kids knew what to do because we were like eight years-old so that thing baked for like 14 hours.

Like a couple hundred other terrible movies, this one was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and really, that’s probably the only reason I have even heard of this cinematic typhoon of monkey poop. This one is really hard to get through, even with the comedic prowess of Mike Nelson and the ‘Bots ripping it to shreds.

I have to assume that people have to try really hard to make a movie this bad. Like was it a challenge or a dare? “Hey, here’s twenty quid, now go make a pile of shit, make it seven reels long and get it in the theaters!”

I guess it doesn’t help this film that the monster is a guy that looks like he is cosplaying as the Phantom of the Opera with a mask made out of an old pair of tighty whities.

The plot is about a scientist trying to find a way to transmit matter. He then decides to be his own guinea pig. So it’s sort of like The Fly but nowhere near as cool. Obviously the self-experimentation goes awry and the dude gets all disfigured, gross and crazy.

They should have just gone the Ed Wood route with this film and just thrown a bunch of other shit into the movie too. If there was like an alien zombie attack going on, a couple vampires and just some general flying saucer shenanigans, I could have at least thought that this was ambitious. But really, it takes a basic, tired ass plot, gives us a basic, tired ass movie and was really just a massive waste of time. A waste for the people that watched it, the people that made it and the poor celluloid that could have been used for something better like, I don’t know… a Dutch documentary about the history of Klomp crafting.

Anyway, I’ve had migraines that were more enjoyable than this film. So you bet your friggin’ ass this is going into the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 5 Stool: Soft blobs with clear-cut edges (passed easily).” I beg to differ on the “passed easily” bit.

Rating: 2/10
Pairs well with: That moment after a big sloppy pooh when you look over and realize that you’re out of toilet paper and your mum isn’t home to pass you one through the cracked door.