Film Review: Loaded Weapon 1 (1993)

Also known as: National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 (complete title)
Release Date: February 5th, 1993
Directed by: Gene Quintano
Written by: Don Holley, Gene Quintano, Tori Tellem
Music by: Robert Folk
Cast: Emilio Estevez, Samuel L. Jackson, Kathy Ireland, Frank McRae, Tim Curry, William Shatner, Jon Lovitz, Lance Kinsey, Denis Leary, F. Murray Abraham, Danielle Nicolet, Beverly Johnson, Ken Ober, Bill Nunn, Lin Shaye, James Doohan, Erik Estrada, Larry Wilcox, Corey Feldman, Whoopi Goldberg, Paul Gleason, Phil Hartman, Richard Moll, J. T. Walsh, Rick Ducommun, Vito Scotti, Charles Napier, Charles Cyphers, Denise Richards, Allyce Beasley, Joyce Brothers, Charlie Sheen, Robert Shaye, Chirstopher Lambert (deleted scene), Bruce Willis (uncredited)

National Lampoon, 3 Arts Entertainment, New Line Cinema, 84 Minutes

Review:

“Nice weather? You think we’re having… nice weather? I guess you didn’t lose the only one that meant anything in your life. I guess you don’t feel burned out by the human misery and despair perpetrated by the criminal vermin that infest every pore of this decaying city, forcing you to guzzle cheap wine and cheaper whiskey to dull the pain that shatters your heart, rips at your soul, and keeps your days forever gray. What flavor Icee you got today?” – Colt

Regular readers of this site probably already know that I’m not a big fan of parody movies outside of Mel Brooks’ work. However, ever now and again, I discover a parody film that is actually quite good.

I never saw National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 because I didn’t have much interest, even when it came out in 1993 and I was a huge Lethal Weapon fan. These films tend to be predictable, lame and lowest common denominator humor. While this is pretty low brow and a bit predictable, it wasn’t lame and it was actually really well done and executed.

I think this stands above other films like it because it has a really solid cast with several heavy-hitters that just commit to the material so convincingly, it makes everything work. You buy into the goofy jokes and the absurdity of it all and frankly, Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson had good chemistry. I wouldn’t say that it was on the level of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover but they played off of each other nicely and looked like they were having a blast playing these characters.

WIlliam Shatner and Tim Curry were both enjoyable as villain characters. Shatner went into this with no fucks given and it just made his performance that much more entertaining. I loved his accent, his facial expressions and the guy isn’t just a sci-fi legend, he’s a master of comedic timing.

This ridiculous film is just a lot of fun. If you like buddy action films and have a sense of humor, you’ll probably dig this.

Rating: 6.75/10
Pairs well with: the Lethal Weapon films and the dozen other movies this parodies, as well as other parody films of the time.

Film Review: The Shadow (1994)

Release Date: July 1st, 1994
Directed by: Russell Mulcahy
Written by: David Koepp
Based on: The Shadow by Walter B. Gibson
Music by: Jerry Goldsmith
Cast: Alec Baldwin, Penelope Ann Miller, John Lone, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen, Jonathan Winters, Tim Curry, James Hong, Al Leong, Joseph Maher, Frank Welker (voice)

Bregman/Baer Productions, Universal Pictures, 108 Minutes

Review:

“I’ll be there… around every corner… in every empty room… as inevitable as your guilty conscience…” – The Shadow

The Shadow wasn’t shy about what it was trying to be. It was Universal’s answer to Warner Bros. massive success with Batman and Disney’s pretty popular Dick Tracy. It is almost like a blend of the two and I guess The Shadow was the right property to adapt at the time, if you wanted to marry both of those other franchises into one thing. Granted, it also throws in some Asian mysticism but ninjas and Oriental magic were pretty popular back then too.

I wouldn’t call the finished product a big success though. This film pretty much bombed, critics didn’t like it and it felt like it was trying too hard to be those other things that it wasn’t. It’s sad because The Shadow could have actually been a really great movie. It has so many things working for it that you almost have to try to make it not work.

Granted, this film is far from terrible and I like it quite a bit more than I dislike it. It’s just that those bad elements really held this motion picture back.

For starters, Alec Baldwin was boring as hell as the Shadow. He was dry, tried to come off as overly manly and sexy and it just felt silly. His Bela Lugosi illuminated eye trick when he was using his psychic shtick just didn’t work and I’m a huge fan of that method when used correctly. But maybe that only worked well in old black and white Universal Monsters pictures. His weird facial prosthetics also didn’t work for me and just made him look strange.

I also didn’t like John Lone as the villain, who is essentially a resurrected Genghis Khan. At least I think he was, his explanation was kind of weird and confusing. He kind of sounded like Tommy Wiseau with a little Asian flourish to his accent.

I did like the rest of the cast. Penelope Ann Miller was alluring as hell, Ian McKellen was delightful and Tim Curry stole the show, as he always does.

I also liked the score by Jerry Goldsmith. It was made to sound a lot like Danny Elfman’s scores for Batman and Dick Tracy but it wasn’t a total ripoff, it had a very strong Goldsmith vibe to it.

The look of the film was nice but it really was just an amalgamation of Tim Burton’s Gotham City and The City from Dick Tracy. It was actually New York and had the iconic landmarks but the night shots used sweeping cameras weaving around building’s ala Burton’s Batman and featured gargoyles with waterfalls coming out of their mouths and other things that didn’t seem very 1930s New York.

The film did its best to be exciting but it just wasn’t. It was as bland as Baldwin’s performance and to be honest, unlike similar films of the era, I never had the urge to go back and watch this until now. I have seen Batman and Dick Tracy and even The Rocketeer a few dozen times.

Although watching it now, I really liked the sequence during the final showdown in the hall of mirrors. It was a bit hokey but it still looked beautiful and was the best visual moment in the picture.

The Shadow isn’t a complete waste of a film. It’s less than two hours and is a decent time killer, especially if you’ve never seen it and are a fan of similar pictures and 1930s style.

Rating: 6.25/10
Pairs well with: The two films it borrows heavily from: 1989’s Batman and 1990’s Dick Tracy.

Film Review: Clue (1985)

Also known as: Clue: The Movie, Cluedo (France)
Release Date: December 13th, 1985
Directed by: Jonathan Lynn
Written by: Jonathan Lynn, John Landis
Based on: Cluedo by Anthony E. Pratt
Music by: John Morris
Cast: Tim Curry, Eileen Brennan, Madeline Kahn, Christopher Lloyd, Michael McKean, Martin Mull, Lesley Ann Warren, Colleen Camp, Lee Ving, Jane Wiedlin, Howard Hesseman

PolyGram Filmed Entertainment, Paramount Pictures, 97 Minutes

Review:

“Communism was just a red herring.” – Wadsworth

Thanks to Flashback Cinema, I got to see Clue on the big screen. I never did get to see this in theaters, as a kid, but it was one of my favorite films to watch around the time that it first hit video store shelves. Seeing this in the theater was a lot of fun and it made me remember just how much I love this movie. I own it but I haven’t actually watched it in probably a decade.

The one thing that stands out, watching it now as an adult, is how great the writing is. Jonathan Lynn and John Landis made a hilarious movie that was well thought out, well constructed and had multiple endings, all of which were great in their own way.

And that is one of the cool and unique things about this film. In the theater, you only got to see one of the multiple endings. Which ending you got was pretty much random. So if you saw this in one theater and then watched it again in a different theater, you would have seen a different conclusion. When this came out on home video, all three endings were included and the way that they edited these together was really kind of cool. The version I just saw in the theater, handled the ending like the home video release. The true and final ending is the best, by the way, even though all three scenarios were good.

This movie makes use of a great ensemble of actors. Everyone was good in their role and there wasn’t a weak link. Each actor owned the character and gave them depth and personality that even enhanced the board game experience after this film came out. Instead of randomly picking characters before the film came out, all the kids I played with that saw this movie, would base their character selection off of who they liked from the film. I was usually Professor Plum because I loved Christopher Lloyd. Although, I really wish they would have added Wadsworth to the game.

I also liked that this was a bit of an homage to House On Haunted Hill, as the film starts out the same way and the mansion is called “Hill House”, making the comparison a bit more obvious. The film was also produced by Debra Hill, most known for her collaborations with horror director John Carpenter.

Clue proved that you could make a good movie based off of a board game. Granted, that doesn’t mean that it should ever be attempted again. Years later, Battleship was adapted into a film and it was awful but I don’t know how that game could’ve been adapted into something decent.

For years, several other board games have been in development hell. I’ve read stories about movies for MonopolyLifeCandyland and a bunch of other board games. There has even been a Clue remake that has been discussed for years and seen many incarnations come and go without actually going in front of the camera.

Clue was a perfect storm that had the right talent assembled at every level of the production. It probably isn’t something that could be successfully replicated again. Besides, Clue was initially a failure at the box office. It wasn’t until it hit home video that it really became somewhat of a cult classic.

Rating: 9/10

Film Review: The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975)

Release Date: August 14th, 1975
Directed by: Jim Sharman
Written by: Richard O’Brien, Jim Sharman
Based on: The Rocky Horror Show by Richard O’Brien
Music by: Richard Hartley, Richard O’Brien (songs)
Cast: Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Richard O’Brien, Patricia Quinn, Nell Campbell, Jonathan Adams, Peter Hinwood, Meat Loaf, Charles Gray

Michael White Productions, 20th Century Fox, 100 Minutes

Review:

“A mental mind fuck can be nice.” – Frank

The Rocky Horror Picture Show was not initially a good experience for me the first time I saw it. I was dating this girl that was obsessed with it and she took me to a midnight showing of the film. Little did I know that I was going to be in for an insane shitshow where the audience is jumping around and yelling the entire time. Not to mention everyone singing over the film in voices that ranged from Tiny Tim to an industrial shredder. This certainly was not the way to experience this movie for the first time. My girlfriend failed at showing me her greatest love so I then failed at making her mine.

Watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show, at home and in private, is a much better way to see the film on a first viewing. While the theater experience is wild and nuts, it is hard to decipher what the hell you are watching with this bizarre picture.

I am not a fan of musicals but the music in this film is at least pretty good and thoroughly entertaining, even if every girl I’ve ever dated has played “Time Warp” a gazillion times to the point where it makes me want to shoot myself in the head.

This film works though. The main reason is because of how fun and weird it is. Plus, Tim Curry,who is already amazing, is on an otherworldly level as Dr. Frank-N-Furter. Then again, Curry literally takes over ever single picture he is in. He has massive charm and is fully dedicated to everything he does. So seeing him as a transvestite mad scientist is pretty badass regardless of the narrative context or a film’s overall quality.

I also love the sets and the vibe of the picture. And the cinematography is impressive, especially in regards to the lighting and the use of vivid colors and shadowy contrasts.

While, to me, this isn’t a classic in the way it is for most of the girls I’ve dated since my teen years, it is still a motion picture that is one of a kind. It’s kind of baffling how this even got made and released by a major studio. It has a sort of grindhouse vibe to it and even reminds me of some of the cooler nudie cuties of the 1960s but with less boobies and better music.

But if I want to watch a horror themed sexual extravaganza, I’m more apt to watch Ed Wood’s Orgy of the Dead.

Rating: 7/10

Film Review: It (1990)

Release Date: November 18th & 20th, 1990
Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace
Written by: Lawrence D. Cohen, Tommy Lee Wallace
Based on: It by Stephen King
Music by: Richard Bellis
Cast: Harry Anderson, Dennis Christopher, Richard Masur, Annette O’Toole, Tim Reid, John Ritter, Richard Thomas, Tim Curry, Jonathan Brandis, Seth Green, Emily Perkins, Olivia Hussey

Lorimar Productions, DawnField Entertainment, The Konigsberg & Sanitsky Company, Greeb & Epstein Productions, Warner Bros., ABC, 192 Minutes (original), 187 Minutes (DVD version)

Review:

“Kiss me, fat boy!” – Pennywise

When the announcement that a new It film was being made, fans on social media were all like, “What the hell? You can’t remake a classic!” Really?! A classic? Do people actually think that the original It was a good movie (or television miniseries, actually)? Do they really remember it? Or are they seeing it through nostalgic glasses, as they haven’t watched it since 1990 and just recall being terrified by Tim Curry as Pennywise the evil clown?

It really sucks. No, it really does. Then again, I have never been a huge Stephen King fan. I do enjoy the film adaptations of some of his work though but this one is a boring shitty mess littered with some atrocious special effects, even for 1990 TV miniseries standards.

There are only two cool things about this film.

The first is the cast. Most of the characters are made up of television actors that I like: John Ritter, Annette O’Tooler, Tim Reid, Harry Anderson, etc. The second is that Tim Curry is scary and sinister as Pennywise. However, Pennywise is sparsely used. He is such a good monster though, that you kind of beg for him to appear when he’s not on the screen but that’s really just because the rest of the movie is a chore to sit through.

The big monster at the end is just some stop motion animated giant crab spider thing with a glowing stomach. The effects used to create the monster are horrendous. And the heroes kill this massive armored beast by simply pushing it on its side and ripping out its intestines or something. If they would have just done that simple task as kids, I wouldn’t have had to waste so much time on this seventeen hour movie.

People that think that this long, drawn out, boring piece of shit is a good film are the type of people that buy Coldplay records and NCIS on DVD, even though it is streaming for free everywhere. It is an awful, dull and terrible miniseries. Its fans are awful, dull and terrible people.

Does It deserve to be run through the Cinespiria Shitometer? Oh, you bet your dumpy ass it does! So what we have here is a “Type 6 Stool: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool.”

Rating: 2.5/10