Release Date: 1969
Directed by: Hollis Frampton
Janus Films, 7 Minutes
Let’s do a little quiz, shall we?
Do you hate yourself?
Do you hate yourself to the point of torturing yourself for seven long minutes of excrutiating boredom?
Do you like pretentious bullshit art?
Do you like pretentious bullshit artists that think they’re changing the world by giving it absolute dreck of the lowest and most dumbed down caliber possible?
Do you like 1950s beatnik poetry?
Do you like eating dried up pieces of cat poop?
If you answered yes to any or all of these questions, then you’ll probably connect with Hollis Frampton’s Lemon.
This “short film”, as some academic weirdos have called this, is very much like his other film Carrots & Peas, which I also reviewed some time ago (see here) and concluded that I would never watch anything with this guy’s name on it again. But alas, I lost a bet. So I was subjected to this seven minute train wreck that felt like seven days.
All this is, is staring at a fucking lemon for seven minutes as a light slowly moves around it. This is like some test footage an amateur trying to get into cinematography would do as a learning exercise but would never show the world because it’s just some bullshit test footage. But this motherfucker made it into fucking art and some USDA prime queef patties running museums and art exhibits let this guy play this thing on a loop.
Full disclosure, I am an artist by trade. This is the kind of art I fucking hate because it isn’t art. This is pretentious, no talent bullshit that a grade schooler would try to pass off to their teacher in art class and then get a “D” because you can’t give mentally handicapped people an “F”.
There really isn’t much else to talk about because this is just seven minutes of staring at a lemon. I can do that on my own with the right kind of drugs. You know, the kind of drugs that’ll just put me into some sort of stupor, as a I stare off into space… or at a lemon I strategically placed in front of myself before before popping the magic pill.
Below I added the entire movie sped up to seven seconds instead of seven minutes so that you don’t have to waste your time like I fucking did.
Pairs well with: Carrots & Peas, which is basically just staring at produce again. Also, chewing on earthworm jerky.