Retro Relapse: She’s Not Perfect; You’re Not Either – Get Over It

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

One thing I’ve been coming across lately, as I am in my mid-thirties, is a lot of my male friends who seem baffled and befuddled over the pasts of their girlfriends.

In many cases, I’ve found myself in situations and discussions with guys who aren’t happy with their current girlfriend’s (or in some cases wife’s) sexual past. I had a similar mindset in my mid-to-late-twenties but have since realized the folly of it.

I was, at one time, very much like Ben Affleck’s Holden McNeil in Chasing Amy. I dated girls, I’d find out things that they did before me and I would find myself judging them on things that had nothing to do with me and happened way before I was in the picture.

In many instances, it ended relationships because I couldn’t fathom how this perfect flower I was with could have done something so un-flower-like. I deserved to have that shit come back on me negatively. Who the fuck was I to judge and truth be told, I’ve got a track record of being a slut. But the double standard eluded me at the time because I was a man and only girls could be sluts or something.

Ludacris said, “(he wants) a lady in the street but a freak in the bed.” That is the mentality of most men but for some reason, they don’t want a lady that was a freak before they showed up and wooed them. Of course, it doesn’t matter to the man what freaky shit he did in relationships (or one night stands) past.

The fucked up thing is that the man treats his past as if it is no one’s business and keeps his secrets buried away. Women seem to be more open about their past and kudos for that. But maybe being judged harshly for certain behavior is why they are more open about it. Maybe men need to accept it, deal with it and move the fuck on. Or maybe they should be judged just as harshly. But is it really that big of a deal at the end of the day when everyone is fucking and most do freaky shit? Additionally, who the fuck are you to judge? You’re not a perfect flower either. And if you are a perfect flower, you’ve been missing out.

As I’ve gotten older and been confronted on my bullshit, I’ve realized that I was an asshole. Ultimately, I like being a freak and I like women who like being freaks. And I would rather have a woman with some experience than a chick on her first rodeo, at least at my age. I guess this is why I find myself with the party girls and this is why my best relationships have been with the party girls who aren’t going to apologize for their past and who don’t really give a shit about mine. And when a chick has seen and done it all and she still chooses you, there’s something awesome in that.

It’s about enjoying each other in the now (and in the future). Who gives a shit what happened in her life or your life seven years prior. We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of, we all have regrets and we should all be fine with what we’ve done and what it has taught us about life, sex and people.

Or you could have totally loved your bad decisions and that’s cool too. I don’t have a problem with my bad decisions or my sexual past. I’m cool with it all and I also don’t care what anyone else thinks about me for it. And I’m certainly not going to come down on a significant other who doesn’t regret their sexual free-ness.

Maybe this is an American problem. The Europeans don’t seem to have a problem with being sexually liberated. They fuck and they fuck a lot and shit just isn’t that big of a deal. They also aren’t tied down by as much religious dogma and moral judgment. They embrace their nature, do what they do and have a much better time at it than we do.

The human body needs sexual gratification. For some reason, we try to fight that. And if someone says “fuck your stupid conventions”, especially a woman, it’s frowned upon. And it’s especially frowned upon by men.

I think in a lot of ways, men are taught that women are to behave a certain way to fit within societal norms. But it isn’t our place to tell them what to be just as it isn’t their place to tell us what to be. We’re all individuals and we are all free to live our lives the way we feel is best.

Many men who have these ideals just look really insecure about themselves when they express their distaste. Like there is some fear that their woman will leave them because they can’t live up to her exciting past. They don’t understand that she is there, with them. She chose to be there.

Being an idiot about who she is will eventually push her away. And if she does leave, that’s on her. There are no guarantees in life and certainly not in relationships.

So fucking enjoy each other while you have each other. Maybe it will turn into a lifelong relationship, maybe it won’t. But ride it out and be less of an insecure judgmental shithead. Women aren’t attracted to insecurity.

If you can’t look at your girlfriend and accept that she isn’t perfect, then you have a serious problem. No one is perfect. And perfection is subjective anyway. If you are going to have constant hang ups about someone, why the hell are you with them in the first place? You can’t fight reality and reality isn’t necessarily something to try and fight anyway. It is what it fucking is.

People aren’t going to become what you wish them to become. It’s about enjoying each other for your triumphs and your faults. We’re all human and it is a lot more fun if we’re all human together.

It’s also a lot more fun if we’re all fucking and honest about it.

Retro Relapse: Psycho Snooping Bitches

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Psycho snooping bitches are in abundance these days. I use the word “bitches” because I’m trying to be moderately polite and not use the more appropriate descriptive term “cunts”. Now there are more sane and trusting women out there but the number of distrustful psychos within their population is growing.

I’ve come across a few of these women in my days and none of the experiences were worth the headache and usually they came compounded with drama, bullshit and after the fact, they couldn’t get the hint and just fade away from my life. There are a lot of other negative character traits that come with these types of women and they are damned near impossible to bottle up. The quickest and easiest advice I can give is to ditch the psycho bitch. Living under fascism, even if a vagina is attached to it, is not living at all.

But let me delve into this shit a bit further.

There is something seriously wrong with a female that has the natural urge and feels she has the right to sneak behind you and check your emails, your social networking profiles and your text messages. Chances are that this girl sniffs your dirty underwear when you’re in the shower in an effort to find some minute scent that may allude to your infidelity. She sniffs all your clothes, goes through your pockets, probably finds nothing but is still a bitch when you get out of the shower because as far as she is concerned, she just hasn’t found the smoking gun yet.

This girl is also probably the type to watch every god-awful shit reality show featuring glamorous non-celebrities who fuck everything in sight and cheat on a different partner each episode, cycling through the entire cast. She can’t decipher what reality actually is and believes such entertainment to be a primer on life. In fact, if you hook up with a girl who obsesses over this bullshit, get the fuck out immediately. If her mind isn’t diseased yet, it will be.

Chances are that she doesn’t watch a lot of that shit but she is just unable to trust anyone because the love of her life ten years ago (i.e. the first dude she fucked in high school) banged her best friend at some drunken house party. She also probably suffers from the “all men are pigs” and the “all men are the same” mental disorder. Fellas, it is not your job to try and prove her wrong or to fix her. She has to fix herself. Again, just walk away.

A lot of these girls also go from relationship to relationship and can’t understand why they can’t find happiness and why decent guys won’t stick around. Those who usually do stick around longer are the type of dudes who are just as distrusting as her. A couple like that is impossible to be around in a social sense and I’ve known many couples like this and have had to walk away as a friend.

You see, in a relationship, trust is not just important, it is pretty fucking vital. If you can’t trust anyone, you need to get some professional help. Reason being, without trust, you will never be able to be happy. You will always be looking in every nook and cranny trying to find something to prove that your unfounded suspicions are true. In fact, you probably make up evidence in your own head or turn every little innocent thing into some bullshit scenario. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship like this? How can you live your life assuming that everyone is going to be a piece of shit that will fuck you over?

With a lot of these people, not just the girls now, some of this distrust probably stems from the fact that they themselves are shady and shitty people. This is another reason why you should get the fuck out and move on. Often times when people see faults in others, especially when there is no evidence of their existence, it is usually because they are projecting their own faults onto their partner. Intellectually, a lot of adults in this modern world are small children.

There is a decent amount of bullshit that I will accept (to a point) in a relationship, if I do actually care about the person. This however, is one of those things I have no tolerance for, especially knowing that I have never cheated on someone and wouldn’t. I have respect for those I am seeing and to those who want to rebut with “never say never”, you can fuck off. I’m an adult and in control of my own faculties. That is what being an adult is.

Luckily, while these females exist, they aren’t the majority.

Retro Relapse: Loose Lips Sink Relationships

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

These days, it seems that there are too many children in grown-up bodies. In fact, almost everyone I encounter except for a very small minority are these types of people. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of it from time to time but when it comes to respect for someone else, especially someone I care about or at least once cared about, I maintain that respect and a level of maturity with how I handle the situation.

When it comes to a large number of women I know, they don’t seem to understand the level of respect that they should maintain for other people, especially their own man.

Often times, some of my female friends feel the need to trash talk their man to me or to other friends of ours. I hear about how their man no longer has passion in bed, is a full-grown man child, doesn’t work enough, works too much, is too hung up on his mother, is too close to some random ex-girlfriend, is too irresponsible for his age, has a drinking problem, doesn’t pay enough attention to her, is bad with money, has no plan for the future, etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera.

I’m not saying that men don’t talk smack to their friends about their girlfriends at the peak of a drunken rampage but it is much rarer, in my experience, and it takes a hell of a lot more for a man to share shit like that than a woman. Plus, most men aren’t fixated on a bunch of trivial bullshit. Usually when a guy drops some shit like this, it is something pretty serious and he’s been holding on to it for a long time. Now if a male is as gossipy and talks shit about his significant other to the level of the woman described in the preceding paragraph, avoid him. In fact, I can’t fathom how he ever got out of the proverbial “friend zone” with a woman.

Maybe I am a nice guy, maybe I come off as trusting and maybe these women feel like they can confide in me. They can actually, because unlike them, I’m not going to broadcast their bullshit to everyone within earshot. I respect people. The thing is, my awesomeness doesn’t really factor in here, as these women will say these things to anyone sitting next to them, whether it is a close confidant or a complete stranger at the bar.

How would these women feel if roles were reversed? What if their man told every one of his friends and complete strangers in his travels that his woman was shit in bed, immature, irresponsible, a drunk, unable to handle money or any other negative trait? I can’t think of many, if any, women that would accept that. And frankly, the men shouldn’t accept their women doing the same thing to them. In the end, where’s the respect? People like this don’t deserve to be in a relationship because they aren’t mature enough to handle adult situations and to understand what respect is.

In a relationship, you are on a team. If you harbor any of these negative feelings to the point of feeling the need to broadcast them to the world and not to your significant other, you’ve got a serious problem. You should really reflect on why you have these feelings and what to do about it before just blurting out every character flaw that your boyfriend has. Then again, people are so quick to look for faults, which I talked about in The Failure of Modern Relationships. If you are quick to find faults, you’ve got a problem with yourself and not your significant other. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect but I don’t need to rehash what I already wrote in the relationships post I just mentioned.

Usually these gossipy girls are on the hunt for “a good man”. They can’t ever seem to find one, even though there are probably several within their social circle or in front of them on a daily basis. Being that I am a good man, I feel like I need to chime in here.

If I have a female friend that exhibits the behavior that I’ve been talking about here (i.e. she constantly talks shit about any and every guy she has been involved with), I want nothing to do with her from a romantic standpoint. Guys pick up on this game and if a girl has the penchant for talking shit about boyfriends and guys she dates, we want no part of her. We don’t want our perceived idiosyncrasies and imperfections broadcast to the world through that woman’s bullhorn.

The big problem for these girls, is that they stick out like a sore thumb because they can’t help themselves. It seems like gossiping about their lover is their nature and they don’t even seem to question it and why it is a horrible thing to do to someone you’re supposed to care about and how it paints you to be a complete fucking bitch drunk on your own self-importance.

Out of respect for a lot of the guys who are victimized by this, even if I don’t know them, I tell these women to stop talking about it. If I was that guy, I wouldn’t want my asshole girlfriend to be trash talking me publicly. And this goes both ways, as no woman should ever stand for it if her man does this to her.

Keep your arguments behind closed doors. The only time you should bring this stuff up, is if there is a real problem or some sort of actual physical or mental abuse going on. Then again, in that situation, you need to leave.

I don’t know, it just seems to me that many adults can’t handle adult relationships anymore and are still embracing high school drama and bullshit well into their thirties. It’s no wonder why marriages never last and more and more people find themselves single, divorced or disgruntled. Like with everything in love and life, change has to start with you.

Retro Relapse: Men Or Women: Who’s To Blame?

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

There seems to be a lot of finger pointing these days. It exists on several levels in modern society. People seem to like to lump themselves into groups and have to have an enemy in some other group that they can blame for all their troubles. Most people these days seem to lack responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Pointing the finger and blaming someone else is the easier route to take. Frankly, I’m fucking over it. I’m not talking about Israelis and Palestinians here, I’m talking about men and women.

There are two extreme schools of thought on both ends of the gender spectrum. There are hardcore feminists that see all men as pigs and oppressors that have held them back with an iron fist for millennia. There are also hardcore chest-pounding anti-women males who blame feminism for all their woes and the creation of a culture that pimps equality to the point of mass emasculation. Granted, I can see some of the points of both groups and understand what they feel is their plight but their excessive paranoia is dangerous.

How is it dangerous?

Well, for starters, hating the other side of the equation isn’t going to get you anywhere positive. Going to war brings about death and destruction and painting everyone not like you as the enemy is ultimately going to lead to your own downfall. Besides, creating a gender war is stupid because without one another, we can’t create more of either. It takes men and women to make babies and whether either side wants to believe this, each gender comes with its own strengths to compliment the other. The real solution to the problems that people perceive here, is not further division.

But how does one talk to a woman that’s like “I don’t need no man!” or a man that’s like “Fuck women, I don’t need their bullshit!”? The point is, you can’t. If someone is that far gone and that anti the opposite sex, let them be miserable. If they don’t soon see the error of their ways and they continue down their shortsighted path, they’ll stay miserable and ultimately, never achieve what they want because what they want is asinine and pointless.

And most of this “hating the other gender” shtick isn’t due to being oppressed or feeling that one’s gender is no longer in equal standing, at least not nowadays. Today, people who hate the opposite gender seem to have severe issues in the realm of love and relationships. What I mean is that they are usually bad at them or they just don’t have any luck at courting the opposite sex. Becoming frustrated and lonely often times leads the weak-minded looking to blame someone other than themselves. In this case, they blame the opposite sex. If men or women aren’t into them, then it must be because they all suck. These people usually fill the void by surrounding themselves with other like-minded, disgruntled and undersexed people who also need someone else to blame.

It is time to grow up and look in the fucking mirror because this bullshit is getting old and stale.

Yes, I often times point at how men are less manly than previous generations. Yes, I have talked about how many men of the last few generations have been raised by single mothers, some of them feminists and that the men are more girly, “metro” and grow up harboring crippling levels of male guilt. However, I blame a lot of this on the deadbeat dads who made kids, wandered off or just became shitheads. I also blame the 60’s sexual revolution (not in  a bad way) for changing the dynamic of relationships and creating a much more sexual society. Sure, feminists can take the blame too but the point is, not one thing is solely responsible. Furthermore, this doesn’t mean that in my own life, I don’t take responsibility for my actions, my decisions and how I respond to the things I just mentioned. Answering one extreme with another extreme is trivial and foolish.

People need to move forward but I guess that’s hard to do when people always seem to need an enemy. Tribalism has evolved into a division amongst genders. We should all be smarter than this. In fact, no matter what extreme someone is at, they sound like simple motherfuckers when they speak. It is baffling to me that so many people are so quick to eat up the bullshit and mold their lives around it.

I just don’t see a mass war on women or a mass war on men except led by a few small groups who are insignificant to the rest of society. Sure, some people in politics may espouse this rhetoric but overreacting to it is shortsighted and futile.

Lead by example and that starts with you. Carry yourself in the right way and it will probably rub off on others. Also, work on your skills at wooing the opposite sex. We’re all individuals living in a largely populated world, I get that generalizing and grouping people together is way too easy but don’t forget that we all have our own unique fingerprint.

Retro Relapse: Couples On Facebook

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Side note: I’m really, really drunk.

There are few things in life more annoying than some types of couples on Facebook. In fact, Facebook is annoying enough on its own and I often times question myself for still having a profile. If it wasn’t my only real point of contact with some people, I’d have moved on a long time ago.

Additional side note/update: I actually moved on in 2016.

Some people however, think that Facebook is a tool to put their entire lives out there. They see it as a way to make their lives completely transparent to the public and to build up their ideal persona all in an attempt to paint themselves as an interesting being who others should worship and admire like some sort of mega fun life guru. When two of these people get together in a relationship, the insanity and annoyance factor magnifies a hundred fold.

I’m going to talk about two types of couples here and be forewarned, if you are on my personal friends list and fit the bill, I probably blocked you from my news feed awhile ago, which is why you don’t see me liking and commenting on your posts anymore. Sorry, I just can’t take you and your sweetie’s bullshit shenanigans. Chances are, my level of respect for you is also non-existent at this point.

The first type of couple are the ones who feel it is their obligation to shove their lovey dovey bullshit down all their friends’ throats. You know the type. They have threads of comments in a post telling each other how much they love one another, more or less competing over who loves who the mostestest times quadruple infinity. They are social media’s version of the couple who displays way too much PDA. These are the assholes who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. Some of them even have matching shirts, which the girl most likely picked out.

These relationships are a clear sign of a selfish bitch dominating her emasculated lapdog of an emo boy toy. If these people are over 14 years-old, they are horrible human beings not worthy of even having friends. They need serious psychological help and it is only a matter of time before the female kills and eats the head of the male like some ravenous preying mantis with adorable tits.

Any male who voluntarily subjects themselves to this kind of sick insanity, deserves to not have his balls. You are practically a teenage girl with a penis. Nut the fuck up, man the fuck up and get your shit straight because you are on a slippery slope of shit that is going to lead to a string of horrible females that rule your life. You are basically a child with a self-centered mother figure that dresses you and wipes your ass. And you don’t want to bang your mom, right?

Another type is those couples who have joint Facebook accounts. That right there is a clear sign of a couple that truly trusts each other. Usually it is the chick running the profile though. Often times, once a dude gets in a relationship, he deactivates his profile because he doesn’t need it to scope out the available pussy anymore. The overly attached girlfriend or wife then throws his name onto her account, just in case he wants to check out Facebook once in awhile.

Really, I think this is employed to have one point of contact. This way she can monitor what girls send him. It’s a motherfucking trap! But bitches want to make sure they’re man is in union with them. They are a couple with a hive mind! Why? Because when you’re a couple, apparently you are no longer an individual.

As a friend of people who have couples accounts, I fucking hate talking to them. I never know who the fuck I’m talking to and it’s just annoying because there is some shit I would say to my guy friends that I wouldn’t necessarily say in front of their significant other, especially an insecure control freak chick that would make her cutiepie share accounts with her. Not knowing who I am talking to is a deterrent for me to talk to anyone. Good luck with your trusting relationship, I’ll go hang out with the adults and shit.

And please, stop taking couples selfies! Your whole wall is a billboard for something that looks like a goddamned two-headed monster making duck faces. It’s not cute, it’s gross.

If you are a guy that has a joint couples account, I bet there is a 99 percent chance that it wasn’t your idea. I can also pretty easily assume that you’re not allowed to talk to exes and that you have had more pink added to your wardrobe.

If I offended you because you exist in a world where this is okay, I am fine with that. In fact, I’m pretty satisfied. It is time to stop being annoying assholes and just be normal people. If the guy doesn’t have the time or interest for Facebook, leave it alone. He doesn’t need his name squished next to yours like some fucked up font orgy.

Retro Relapse: The Failure of Modern Relationships

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I may not be the best person to talk about relationships, as most of mine have been short-lived, existed in spurts or were an insane adventure that had to end for my own survival. The subject I am talking about here though, isn’t the reason for any of my relationships ending, at least not from my side of the equation. It is more of an observation I see in the behaviors of people and something I’ve discussed at great length with friends lately.

I see the relationships of many of my friends and acquaintances lose steam quickly and end pretty abruptly. Many times, the couple looks incredibly happy and everything seems to be peachy. All of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, there is a rift which almost always leads to a pretty quick exit from one partner or both. Relationships themselves are becoming a lot like speed dating but in a broader, slightly more long-term sense.

I can’t count how many times a friend has come to me and told me, “Hey, I think I’m going to end it.” I ask why and I get responses like, “I hate that she does this or that” or “We have different paths for our future.” Sorry, but for the most part, that’s weak and I see a lot of these assessments as bullshit. Rarely, do I hear legitimate things like, “She is a complete psycho” or “He’s a violent asshole.” No one can argue with those things, well unless they seem uncharacteristic of the person being profiled and the one saying it is either a “psycho” or “asshole” themselves.

Why do I think statements like the ones above are weak bullshit? Well, if you are committed to someone, the road isn’t always going to be easy. Relationships are a road that two people take together. Sometimes the road can be rocky. It doesn’t mean that you bail at the first sign of turbulence. The strongest relationships are the ones that take the rocky road together and come out on the other side, hand-in-hand. People seem like they are way too eager to quit before anything even gets to this point. “Aw man, she’s got an asshole baby daddy. I don’t even want to meet that dude, so I’m out. I can’t have that shit in my life. I just wanna play Titanfall and fuck, brah!”

There’s also the impatience factor. Everyone wants instant gratification and everything has to be “Now! Now! Now!” and about “Me! Me! Me!” Fuck all of that. Real relationships and long-lasting bonds take time. That old adage about how a relationship is always the best in the very beginning is bullshit but people seem to hold that ideal pretty strongly. I’ve seen a lot of good people toss other good people to the side pretty easily, when things weren’t as magical as they seemed in the beginning.

The two best relationships I was ever in, took time. One relationship took seven-to-eight years before we realized where we had come together, the other took four-to-five years before we had an incredible bond, a tremendous amount of respect and a lot of love for one another. We split up but that came after a good year of really debating if it was best for both of us because we had an almost inseparable bond. It was a really hard decision but it came with a lot of thought and a lot of respect.

If two people become married, their respect and love for each other should magnify. Theoretically, they shouldn’t be holding on to such impatience and lack of tolerance for one another. The essence of marriage is about choosing a life-partner. “Life”, as in for your entire life going forward. Nowadays, people get married young or quickly, as they make decisions at what appears to be the height of their still new relationship. Ultimately, most marriages today, fail. I don’t know why people expect instant gratification in something that is supposed to last a lifetime. “I want a baby now before it’s too late, but he won’t be ready for another year due to school.”

So to all the failed married people out there that left over something really kind of trivial, was it worth ending the whole thing because you wanted instant gratification and instead of being patient, threw it all away to start from scratch again? Seems like a big waste of time to me but this mentality also brings me to another point: selfishness.

Everyone is selfish to a degree, it is human nature. Some people are completely selfish and don’t care how their behavior and attitude affects other people, as long as they get what they want. These assholes should never get married. They expect the world to bow to them and a partner to obey and respect their wishes while they don’t do the same. A real relationship clusterfuck is when two of these monsters get together. Unfortunately, these monsters are in abundance.

I just don’t get the urge to rush and get married. Why rush? You have your whole lives to be together if that’s the person you truly want to be with. There is absolutely never a reason to rush into it, unless your partner is going to get deported or something.

The problem I see today, is that people are just so quick to quit. This isn’t even just with relationships. People are quick to quit their friends, their jobs, a task, a diet, a workout regimen and pretty much everything else. I’m guilty of it too, as I’ve struggled with my weight for several years. This doesn’t make you a bad or shitty person but when someone else is involved, like in a relationship, the game changes. It isn’t just about you when you quit.

Look, people evolve – they change. The same happens to people in relationships. Some couples grow together and some grow apart, that’s only natural. When two people do grow apart, dissolving the relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, growing in different directions doesn’t mean that it’s the end either. I’ve seen several couples thrive because of their contrast to one another. Those are the people that have survived the hard shit and still stick together because despite their differences, their respect and love transcends it all. The one thing they have in common is each other. How can you ever have something that strong with someone, if you quit the second you encounter a bump in the road?

You should never stay in a bad or unhealthy relationship. However, you also shouldn’t be looking for constant signs that you’re in a bad or unhealthy relationship. You also shouldn’t simply bail out at the first sign of trouble. Your formula is weak and you will never find happiness this way, other than in small bursts in a string of short-lived relationships that seemingly never evolve or go anywhere.

Life isn’t a cakewalk. So what makes you think that love should be?

Retro Relapse: Pick-Up Artists & Peacock Clowns

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Now that the cat has been let out of the bag in regards to pick-up artists and their “game”, I’m shocked that dudes are still using these well-known tactics and I am even more surprised that chicks still fall for these peacocking asshat shenanigans. To each his own, I guess. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still toss some shit their way.

For one, the whole philosophy of being a pick-up artist is one of complete selfishness and being a class A lying douchebag. They manufacture a character, dress like an asshole and hide their true selves in an effort to fuck as many chicks as possible, not caring if they leave bodies in their wake. Why? Because they are reformed losers who found some magic “mystery” method or formula that has made them into… still losers.

Sorry PUA worshippers but that’s the truth. Another truth, is that getting pussy doesn’t make you a man. In fact, more often than not, it has made males continue to be fear turtle juveniles hiding in their shell because they are deathly afraid of just being themselves.

At its core, the pick-up artist philosophy teaches its practitioners to be liars. They want you to stop being who you are and instead, favor you transforming yourself into a goofy caricature wearing funny hats and accessories. They influence countless dudes to become dickbag womanizers.

Through being a liar, the dude is supposed to build confidence and swagger and become the ultimate male that chicks in any bar will throw their pussies at. The funny thing is, in a truly real world scenario, I’ve never seen this work out for guys all that effectively.

Dressing in crazy clothes and flare is called “peacocking” in the PUA community. Not only is that a stupid name but more often than not, these guys look like desperate mid-life crisis wankers about twenty years too young for a mid-life crisis. They also stick out like a sore thumb. Sure, a decade ago before this PUA bullshit became mainstream, maybe a chick would see one of these peacock clowns and go, “Hmm… that guy has an interesting style.” Nowadays, I mostly see girls go, “Peacocking douchebag at 9 o’clock.” At least the smart guys employing these strategies have learned to tone it down a bit and wear normal clothes with just a bit of flare or minor embellishments.

For guys down on their luck with women, or that just don’t have macking skills, these PUA programs make you a worse person. Say you commit to it, you succeed in the way that they want you to and you are able to start scoring chicks. Good for you, you have now succeeded where most guys will still continue to flounder after dishing out barrels of cash.

The problem is, you aren’t fixing your problems with yourself. You may have some form of confidence but you’re a devious lying piece of shit and apparently have no concern as to whether or not you’re out hurting any of the chicks you are trying to bang. You’ve gone from being a nice guy that needed a bit of help with women to a false human being who has thrown himself away in favor of some quick lays. Putting the lid down doesn’t flush the shit from the toilet.

And what happens when the quick lays aren’t enough. What happens when you decide that you want a long-term relationship because ultimately, even though you’ve screwed half the town, you are still alone and in need of true intimacy. You can play it cool and act like you don’t need it but the fact of the matter is, human beings are wired this way. Thriving just on sex gets boring after a while.

The point is, if you’ve been this lying bastard who buys his hats at the Halloween store, how do you show someone the real you and attract them on a deeper more intimate level? Do you continue to play the part or do you shed all that and be you? Do you even know who you are at this point?

The fact of the matter is, you can act like you’re all cool and badass because you’ve become a pussy magnet but you are no longer a real person. Chances are, at this point, you don’t know who you are anymore. How can a woman get to know you and see you in a realistic long-term sense, if you’ve thrown yourself away? And what woman would want a guy who doesn’t even know who he is? I used the term “woman” because one could probably still convince some naïve girls, at least for a little while, and even then, would you want to be with a chick that oblivious?

These professional pick-up artists are selling you snake oil. Their books, products, programs and seminars are expensive. Most of the guys who buy into it, fail at it or are overwhelmed by it and just find themselves more frustrated and more broke. These PUA masters are playing you just like they are playing the chicks they claim they score. The proof is in the pudding and if this shit worked, dudes everywhere would be sexual mastodons passing on the good word of these products.

The most effective method I’ve used, as have most guys, is being myself. No bullshit, no peacocking, just being me. Does it give me a high success rate? No. But neither will wearing a stupid hat and motorcycle goggles. At least I’m not getting laughed at for looking like an awkward doofus trying too hard. And in the end, I still have success and my dignity. Playing the game doesn’t mean playing yourself.

I’ll let Tom Haverford sum it up for you.

Retro Relapse: Big Game Willies In the Cut

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Big Game Willies. Man, I hate those guys. Being that I live in Southwest Florida, these big talking, big game motherfuckers are just about everywhere. One can easily spot them in one of the more prestigious bars buying mid-grade Scotch while trying to impress any of the attractive bartenders with big fancy stories of all their “business ventures” and “trips abroad”. Nine times out of ten, I would venture to guess that their business ventures have to do with borrowing more money than they can ever pay back and their trips abroad are to the east coast of Florida to go to some shitty Dolphins game. More often than not, they’re probably completely full of shit and are actually barely able to hold on to their job of selling life insurance in this tropical land of the dead.

The Big Game Willie is out for the pussy and that’s about it. Sure, like everyone, he seeks companionship but he certainly isn’t a top shelf player. He may convince a lady or two that he is some big baller doin’ big thangs but for the most part, his game is exposed as soon as he orders a Johnny Walker Red and immediately catches himself only to quickly say, “I… I mean Johnny Walker Black.” Bro, fuck you and fuck Johnny Walker Black.

While drinking the Scotch he can barely afford way too quickly to be a Scotch aficionado, he proceeds to try and lure the attention of the cute bartender or whichever unlucky female soul is closest within his vicinity. If he’s in a cigar smoking environment, he grabs a Macanudo because it is the only name he recognizes. He then attempts to woo the women in his corner of the bar about how he’s investing in some software bullshit or got the construction market cornered in some magical way. He talks at length about things he really doesn’t know but he is good at retaining information from other people more versed on the subject, which makes his talking out of his ass schtick seem plausible to someone not asking the right questions.

He’s a self-described world traveler and may even talk about some fancy European cuisine and art he knows nothing about, all while drinking what was almost Johnny Walker Red. He’s a fraud, a fake and one of the lowest forms of villainy because he’s not even good enough to be an amateur con man.

What does homeboy expect to accomplish? Sure, he may get that one night stand or two but ultimately, the girl will discover that he is a lying piece of shit. What then?

At what point do you stop being a fraudulent douchebag? I mean, there really is no long-term benefit to being a Big Game Willie. Yeah, you may get your dick wet once in a while because there are some dumb chicks on the market but you’d probably fare much better if you were a decent man and didn’t feel the need to paint yourself as someone you’re not. Besides that, I hope you’re at least smart enough to bang chicks at their house because your 400 square foot roach motel apartment isn’t going to work well for your big baller game. And please take the plastic spinners off of your 1996 Acura Integra because you’re not Latrell Sprewell. In fact, you probably don’t even know who that is.

At the end of the day, you’re an idiot, dude. What you don’t realize is that 95 percent of the world sees through you and are laughing at your expense. Girls, if you’ve been burned by a Big Game Willie, what the hell is wrong with you? You girls must be suffering from the Princess Syndrome.

I wish all the princesses and Big Game Willies would find an island somewhere and just fuck off.

Retro Relapse: Misconceptions of Manliness

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

There is a lot of division on the idea of what manliness is or what it should be.

Some people have this idea that a real manly man is a guy who is a big bearded, muscled alpha lion wearing a trucker hat made of bison jerky that surfs on top of a 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500 while chewing shotgun shells wrapped in raw ribeyes.

Others believe a manly man is an “evolved” species who is respectful of women’s rights, accepting of a more androgynous society and is able to do women’s work and cross the gender line.

Some people, think that a manly man is an Aston Martin driving guy wearing one of his four dozen tailored suits and a watch that costs about as much as the vintage wine collection he has just to impress girls half his age.

Many believe a manly man is a dominating douchebag that conquers women and bullies the betas into doing his bidding.

The fact of the matter is, all of these are wrong. Although the first one does sound pretty badass, right?

Manliness can’t be summed up in a style or a hobby. It certainly isn’t defined by a political or social ideal. It’s not the car you drive, the clothes you wear or some non-prescription monocle that makes you feel like the gentlemen of yore. It certainly isn’t the food you eat, the heavy things you lift or the washboard abs you are striving either to get or to maintain. It’s not the Mossberg 500 in your closet, the heavy bag in your garage or the $1200 bicycle parked next to your hand-crafted canoe. It’s not the 20 mile hike you did or that time you went camping in bear country. It isn’t even the mustache wax you bought after having to “man up” and go into the beauty supply store to buy it.

It is none of these things.

Manliness isn’t some quantifiable physical thing or activity. Despite the nine bottles of whiskey you drank last week and the hair it put on your chest, you have not been magically transformed into the pillar of manliness. You are just a fuzzy drunkard. Granted, a fuzzy drunkard can still be a man but it is not some sort of prerequisite. A man is much more than all of these things and he is none of these things.

It is time for males, especially those wanting to be men, to come to terms with the fact that manliness has nothing to do with these exoteric things. Manliness is something that comes from the mind, the spirit and the heart. It’s a philosophy of life and being – not triceps, beards, paleo diets, crossfit or fancy hats. It is an attitude, a way to carry oneself. It is the way one handles situations and crises and constantly moves forward. It sure as shit isn’t about creating some ultimate ideal masculine persona. At its core, it is about substance and application. Real men already know this. False men may be a bit confused and not following along very well.

I feel the need to write this because I’ve been writing about manly issues since starting this website. At times, posts I’ve written have been misperceived and misrepresented by those with agendas or ideas of their own – people who can’t see the big picture and cherry pick for what they want to get out of my writing. I’m not sour about it but I at least wanted to clear the air and be straightforward about where I’m coming from.

While I pick on men who can’t handle ribbing or handle their alcohol or text like girls, it’s all in good fun and none of it should be taken too seriously. While I countdown manly movies and post reviews of manly grooming products and recipes for manly meals, it in no way means that you are less of a man for not embracing the lifestyle I’m selling here. And none of it will make you more of a man just for participating and taking my advice or recommendations. It may help at boosting your confidence to manly levels but unless you understand that real manliness has nothing to do with any of it, it won’t make you a true man.

My goal is not to sell a persona. My goal with what I write is to entertain and to help those who can read between the lines and truly see what I’m getting at. Most of the feedback that I have gotten has shown me that several things I’ve put out there have been pretty effective. Yes, I am a dick at times but that’s my personality. I’m a sarcastic and snarky guy and I’m not going to apologize for it. However, sometimes that may make my words seem like they are coming from a place that is mean spirited. Maybe that adds fuel to the fire of the hardcore male rights activists on one hand and the angry militant feminists on the other. Unlike them however, I, and most true men, don’t live in those extremes. We don’t have time for it.

I post the reviews, the recipes, the grooming stuff and everything else because it is stuff I find badass. You might disagree and that’s fine. When I talk about a manly movie, it doesn’t mean that my assessment of it is some sort of law. I am no expert, I’m just a guy with a lot of opinions and ideas that writes about them.

However, guys like feeling badass and looking badass. It builds confidence and security. The same way lipstick, heels and Gucci bags make women feel more confident and badass. I’m not saying that we are stuck in specific gender roles defined by old societal standards but for most people, they typically embrace the generalized image of their gender. Because of that, there is nothing wrong with enhancing that and boosting confidence and embracing whatever it is that makes you feel awesome. What I positively review or talk about, is what makes me feel awesome. It makes a lot of other men and often times the women that love them, feel confident and secure too.

There are various qualities that make a man. To name some, there is respect, loyalty, courage, honor and an overall sense of doing the right thing. No one is perfect and we all falter. There are times where I don’t necessarily do the right thing or make the best decision. I’m human, I have faults but the fact that I can see that in myself and know where I slipped up, means that I am moving in the right direction. The way to keep moving forward, is to recognize your flaws and do what you can to improve them and to rectify the mistakes that you may still have the opportunity to fix or alter. You can’t control the world but you can control how you respond to it and interact with it.

The thing is, everything I’ve said above also pertains to women. The goal here is to be better human beings. Whether you are a man or a woman makes no difference. I feel like this should all be common sense but many people seem to be ignorant of these universal truths.

This brings me to the whole concept of gender roles. Who really gives a shit about all that? Sure, there are things men are traditionally better at, as there are things that women are traditionally better at. That doesn’t mean that these things are limited to the gender that tradition dictates must fill that role. Many men nowadays shuttle the kids around, cook all the meals and clean house. Many women work corporate jobs or even manual labor jobs and excel at it. This is a much different world than it was even fifty years ago. Props to the guys who have evolved enough to handle these tasks and extra props for them having to most likely put up with their male friends giving them shit for it. But guys rib each other and I am guilty of it too. Having thick skin is another manly quality. Not giving a shit what other people think, is one of the best manly qualities.

How manliness is perceived in the physical sense is really in the eye of the beholder; it’s all subjective. In many instances, it is also cultural. However, despite the flannel shirts, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, 50 caliber rifles, monster truck tires, lumberjack competitions, weightlifting and smoked rib roasts, manliness is something inside of your core. Manliness is a product of who you are and how you carry yourself. All this other stuff is just window dressing. But feel free to soak up the window dressing.

Retro Relapse: The Princess Syndrome

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

To all you princesses out there, this one’s for you!

You know who you are; the girl whose daddy always called her “princess” and bought her princessy shit for her room. The one who thought all those Disney movies were a primer on love and who thought that Prince Charming was the first guy you fucked. You roll with those other princesses, all perpetuating the same bullshit because those Prince Charmings who turned out to be Prince Douches must’ve just been under some evil witch’s spell. You can’t be the problem! No, not at all! You have “princess” bumper stickers all over your 2003 Kia Sephia and you wear shirts stating your royal status! It’s only a matter of time before a Prince Charming not under an evil enchantment sees all your princess shit and swoops in on his white horse to save you from the mediocrity that is your dull an boring royal lifestyle.

Of course reality is something much different than the bullshit fantasy you keep selling yourself, despite it being a cycle of repeated failure. It doesn’t mean that you don’t keep trying so hard though. The fairytale eludes you but if you have faith in it, you will get to that magic life you’ve always dreamed of. Your girlfriends pick you up, dust you off and continue to enable you, as you do for them. Yet it has never occurred to any of you that there can only be one or two princesses in the kingdom. You can’t all be “her royal highness”. Besides, if all of you are a princess, why is being a princess even special? It’s not and that’s the point.

You’re all one in the same striving for the same thing. With that being said, how can you stand out from the pack and be noticed? What makes you so special when you are just one princess in a sea of princesses? Truthfully, what makes you think a man even gives a fuck?

When I am confronted by a girl or a group of girls that exude this princess mentality, I run the other way. Not because I am intimidated by “royalty” but because I am annoyed by the stupidity of the world that they exist in. It’s the same reason that I walk away from dude bros at the bar who keep flexing and acting like they’re fucking Braveheart. You people are trying too hard and you need to chill because you’re acting like a piece of shit that can only attract other pieces of shit.

Ladies, just because your father and clam shell Disney VHS tapes filled your head with some bullshit, doesn’t mean that you have to project your fantasy on the rest of the world. Every girl who didn’t have an absentee father was “daddy’s little girl” at some point. Well guess what, there are billions of you in the world.

It amazes me though, how far some girls will go with this princess mentality. Not a weekend goes by that I don’t run into some girl celebrating her 32nd birthday, out in some shit bar, wearing a fucking tiara and a “Birthday Girl” sash over her princess gown like she just won some middle-aged average girl beauty contest. What’s wrong with you? I mean, really? I don’t recall Cinderella clutching the bar, puking up Jägerbombs all over her friends. And for fuck’s sake, by 32, you should be drinking adult beverages.

Let me further elaborate why your princess mentality is not going to get you a quality beau.

Real men, unlike the boys you typically get dicked up by, aren’t going to put up with your royal attitude. We aren’t going to deal with you being a stubborn bitch with a penchant for hissy fits. We aren’t going to see you as actual royalty… ever. You are not cheap or cost effective and even if you believe you are, you’ll still be a royal pain (pun intended) because nothing we do will impress you. Additionally, any woman who believes herself to be a princess is an idiot and not even worth attempting to have a real conversation with; real men don’t exist in fantasy.

It goes much deeper than that however, as chicks suffering from this Princess Syndrome are usually just awful people. You prefer men without a spine who will bow to your bullshit and kiss your ass. You are prone to cheating because when your spineless and nutless lapdog isn’t around, your royal vagina secretly yearns for the seed of a more masculine suitor. Unfortunately, this continues your cycle of Prince Charming revealing himself to be Prince Douche.

You are typically vindictive by nature and embrace your bitchiness like it is some badass hardcore badge of honor because you think you’re entitled to have such an attitude. You are not trustworthy and are probably always at odds with your “besties”. You certainly don’t know what “love” is, even if you think you feel it. What you feel is not real because your whole existence is built up on some Disney lie. Your life is an illusion. You’re shallow and empty and truthfully, no one wants to get to know you because there isn’t an actual person there to get to know. Stop being a fucking toddler.

This doesn’t mean that real men won’t approach you. We just won’t stick around when we come to know that we’ve got some princess in our midst. Maybe some of those failed Prince Charmings were decent guys but they bolted because you suck. That doesn’t make them all douches or assholes, it makes you the douche and the asshole. Furthermore, the real douchebags out there, who quickly see the game you’re playing, view you as easy pickings because they know that you are an emotionally vacant and distraught human being. There have been times where I’ve been drunk at a bar or a party and said to myself, “Fuck it, I’m horny and this will be a cakewalk.” It was.

There is no benefit to acting like a princess. You paint yourself out to be an annoying piece of shit and you’re just doing what a dozen other annoying piece of shits in that same bar are doing. You’re not unique, original and certainly not special. You are cookie cutter at best and frankly, the cookie is stale.

Shit to think about, princess.