Retro Relapse: Bitch, Eat a Cheeseburger

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I am fortunate enough to have a lot of attractive female friends; I don’t say that to brag or to paint myself as the pimp of the year. I just happen to know pretty chicks and have built up a good rapport with them because it really isn’t that hard if you are yourself and not a complete douche or an emasculated wuss. But trashing douches and wusses isn’t the point of this post, the point is to discuss what I’ve noticed and experienced with some of these ladies and their apparent body image issues.

A lot of women seem to think that starving themselves and being as skinny as possible is attractive. Well, it isn’t. In fact, it is kind of gross. To be clear, skinny girls in general aren’t gross. I’m talking about that special breed who obsess over their thinness to the point of looking like a starving child in a third world country. To be blunt, most guys I know don’t want to fuck a bag of bones. Truthfully, your apparent fragility frightens us.

So what is responsible for this disturbing trend? One could blame the trash magazines at the grocery store checkout or reality television or whatever other pop culture scapegoat that is too easy to point at. The problem is much deeper than that, however, and I think that those things aren’t the root of the issue. They certainly magnify it and add to the crisis but the root seems to come from a massive desire by many women to live up to impossible expectations, not set by men but set by other women. In the way that dude bros are overly competitive in the gym at becoming freak beasts, many women are overly competitive at trying to look as thin as humanly possible without actually dying. Well in most cases, because some women have died from this behavior.

Now they don’t do it to attract a mate, even though they might believe that that is their real motivation, they do it to be better than their friends – to look the thinnest and hottest at the beach or the tofu barbecue pool party. It certainly isn’t for us guys and if it was, it’d be pretty idiotic considering that most of us aren’t envisioning ourselves as the male co-star in some sicko starvation porn.

Personally, I like a woman with curves and hips and a shapely figure, not a woman that looks like tits on a stick. Most normal dudes I talk to, feel the same way. I do have one friend though that likes anorexic looking girls. But that’s just because he sees such girls as hot due to the fact that it implies that they’ve got issues; he’s attracted to unpredictable and crazy birds. I mean, if that’s the dude you want, ladies, then stick to your plan of eating raw kale with celery flakes while trying not to pass out from exhaustion on the elliptical.

I’m not saying all this to be a dick, I’m saying it so that you stop trying so hard to become a living fantasy. Us guys don’t care and those of us who may press you into harboring these insecurities that you aren’t good enough because you simply looked at a Thin Mint, are assholes. Besides, those guys, like you, are just trying to compete with the impossible standards they’ve built up in their own minds in order to compete with the other like-minded fools of their same sex. Essentially, I guess this is just as much a post for those guys as it is for you starving girls.

Strive to be healthy, strive to have a good figure but know what that is. Because just as you can be too big and unhealthy, you can also be too small and unhealthy. Instead of silently and passive aggressively competing with your peers who are doing the same, why don’t you all just accept reality and support one another. Be healthy together, not insane against one another. And most importantly, enjoy life and eat a fucking cheeseburger once in a while.

Besides, a great cheeseburger is better than sloppy mediocre sex with one of those jacked up pretty boys that you think you’re doing all this for. You know the dudes I’m talking about; the ones who are looking in the mirror instead of at you during your weekly one night stand.

Retro Relapse: Ladies, I’m Not That Guy

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I’m not going to start this with some disclaimer to overly placate to the easily offended or apologize for what I haven’t even said yet. Most of you probably won’t like what I have to say but I don’t care. You’d prefer honesty over pussy bullshit, right? Well probably not, which is why things have gotten to the point where I deem such a blog entry necessary.

Ladies, I am not your white fucking knight. Nor do I want to be. In fact, that guy doesn’t exist and I’d hate to break it to you but neither does Prince Charming. Disney lied to you; get over it. Of course, that doesn’t mean that some guys don’t try to put themselves in that role, albeit miserably.

The men of yore are dying or at least they’ve been hit with a genocidal level of complete emasculation. This is due to a combination of things but feminism, not the ideal but the movement, has been the biggest contributor to this loss of badass grizzly motherfuckers. Deadbeat dads are to blame too but I’ll write on that topic another day.

I understand what was the need for feminism and female pride and a fight for what should be considered and valued as equal; I support that myself. Where the problem lies however, is in the fact that what the feminist movement wants in its extremist position isn’t an equality of sexes per se, it is domination. Domination to the point where men are no longer men, women are the ruling class and we’ll have to reproduce via petri dishes because the government will have classified all sex as rape. Men would be deemed unfit as parents, their sperm would be property of the state and women would pick out their clothes. To many embracing the militant feminist ideal, this is what they envision as justice for their victimization. The victim becomes the oppressor because apparently one injustice needs to be rectified with a larger injustice.

Sure, these are extreme examples but they aren’t that far outside of reality with how these women feel and how our society is being indoctrinated with their feminist bullshit. You don’t believe that point? Well look at how many men are no longer men. Guys spend their time placating to girls incessantly. Their entire existence and thought process from the moment they wake up each day is centered around “the hunt”.

However, the hunt isn’t what it used to be where women were out trying to attract the best beau – not that that was a great formula either. I hate to generalize but nowadays it is dude’s standing in the corner of a bar, bobbing their heads, hoping that some girl will come talk to them because they walk on eggshells trying not to offend women with their advances or they are so afraid of them they don’t know how to just walk up to one and talk. Yes, there are guys who don’t give a shit and have no reservations about walking up to a woman and spitting their game. In many cases those guys are douchebags; in other cases they are good guys but that is becoming a rare thing. In retrospect, this is probably why women to a big degree get caught up in douchebags and drama because good guys are seemingly less accessible and all they are approached by are “pigs” – their words, not mine. And frankly, good guys are sick of that “all men are pigs” sentiment because it isn’t true.

What needs to be realized, is that there are guys that fit the good guy mold but choose not to play the game and have just opted out. Ladies, you probably can’t find them or don’t even notice them because they aren’t competing for your attention 24/7 and flashing you their glorious plumage. They’re not douchebags and they aren’t the weakling saps who you’ve labeled, cataloged and organized onto your “friend zone” shelf. These are guys that know what they want, do what they want and really don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. That doesn’t make them assholes, that just makes them self-assured and strong, confident men – something that should be applauded among the free-thinking individuals of the world.

On a personal level, when it comes to women, I want someone that has the same qualities I just talked about regarding the type of man above. Someone who is confident, strong and free-thinking. Someone who sees the folly of trying to eliminate masculinity and demonizing it but also doesn’t try to wrap guys around their finger and use them for whatever they see fit because they feel that it is justice being served or they just don’t know anything different because weakling saps pledge their allegiance to them the moment they develop semen. To be honest, I don’t blame women for acting this way. But that also doesn’t mean that I have to accept it as just a part of life. I see it as inherently wrong and hypocritical. In my life, I don’t accept it. When confronted with it, I usually call the girl out.

There are a lot of guys I have talked to lately who feel similar. There is a growing number of men who just don’t care about playing the game anymore and would rather direct their energy into more fruitful pursuits. Being one of those men, I feel that whether most of us realize it or not, it is one of the consequences of this world that the feminist movement has shaped. No we don’t hate women but we aren’t going to be bullied or mistreated by them either, as women shouldn’t be bullied or mistreated by men. At the end of the day, I don’t care and I can’t devote that much time to it. Time and energy are limited and I’d rather not waste either.

You see, it’s about working together not against one another and speaking not just for myself, I don’t think many of us care about the battle or what one side of the coin feels that they have to prove. We’re not all bigots and assholes and because of that, refuse to be treated as such or to harbor some sort of male guilt, causing us to be total pussies because being who we really are isn’t seen as politically correct or attractive anymore. Moral of the story, we don’t fucking care.

As far as I personally feel, at least right now, I don’t want to ever get married, I don’t want to get a girl pregnant and I want the freedom to do what I want to do. That doesn’t mean that I’m selfish or incapable of compromise, it just means that I have needs of my own that must be met. As far as marriage, being a man, I don’t see the point. Marriage is a lose/lose situation for men with the ways the laws have evolved and heavily favor the woman. Same thing goes for child custody. This doesn’t mean I am against a lifelong relationship or turned off by women who already have kids. But call me a “man child” or whatever bullshit derogative terms you have because that is easier than understanding some oppressive man’s diatribe about his point-of-view.

I now look around and see that more men are coming to similar realizations. Our attitudes are shifting because they have to. You get to a point when that survival instinct kicks in and it is happening. I see this as a good thing because truth is better than some manufactured societal lie about what men are now supposed to be. To those “men” apologizing for their kind, fuck you – you are part of the problem and are just fucking yourselves and all of us, really. I don’t expect a woman to apologize for her shit. If they’re assholes I just keep walking and don’t give them the time of day.

While men and women as vast groups may never truly understand each other at a core physiological and psychological level, individuals can understand one another. As long as there is that respect between you and your partner, that is really all that you need. There’s no gender war or at least there doesn’t need to be. Just be who you are and respect who others are too. But until that happens on a larger scale, women can enjoy their douchebags and pussies and those of us who don’t have the time to give a shit can work on being the badass motherfucking grizzlies we were born to be.

Funny enough, I always find someone when I’m not even trying.

‘Follow Your Passion’ Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015.

We’ve all heard it before, probably while in a rut too. Some famous know-it-all enlightened asshole with a platinum album at an awards show says it about two dozen times in a two-hour span. In fact, it is one of the trendiest things to say nowadays. People who haven’t even accomplished anything all that great like to espouse this nonsense as well. If everyone is saying it and it is found in endless memes, it must be true.

The nonsense I am talking about is the mantra “follow your passion.”

For starters, don’t tell me what the fuck to do. Also, shut the fuck up because you don’t know me or really what’s inside of anyone else and what they have been through and what they are currently going through. “Follow your passion” isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems and in fact, it can be horrible fucking advice. People are suckers for horrible fucking advice.

This marketing slogan for life resonates with people because it is simple and daring and thus, perceived as profound. It doesn’t matter that this seemingly profound enlightenment has become so common place that I have to scroll through it a half dozen times in my Instagram feed every morning.

Sure, following your passion can lead to great things and you may end up happy, successful and with everything you want. It may also leave you broke, confused, worse off than you were if you had just kept your job and pissed off at the universe because you followed pop culture’s sagely advice and aren’t a billionaire zen Buddhist with a house full of angeldust and passed out prostitutes.

I’m all for doing what makes you happy. That is kind of the point of life. In fact, people often try to figure out what the meaning of life is. I don’t know why that is so difficult. The meaning of life is pretty simple. The meaning of life is to LIVE IT. That’s it.

You have a life, now fill it with what makes you happy. But you also need to be realistic. So, here comes the part no one wants to hear, especially when “follow your passion” sounds so fucking cool.

There has to be a balance. Most of us aren’t talented like Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was talented. We can follow our passion but that doesn’t mean that we will have success. And the thing is, not everyone’s passion is a money maker. My passion is eating ribeye, drinking bourbon, having as much sex as possible and telling people to fuck off. What exactly can I do with that to make some serious money?

Additionally, many people, and I would say most, don’t have a real passion. And by real passion, I mean something that calls them to the point that it burns in their belly. We aren’t all singers and actors and great writers. Hell, most of us suck at arts, crafts, building things and pretty much a whole lot of other cool shit.

My passions are about eating good meat and putting my penis in something and that’s probably because I don’t have a real burning desire to do anything else. And again, this is most people. The vast majority of Earth’s population weren’t born for some mystical purpose with a Frodo Baggins destiny to fulfill. The world isn’t Middle Earth or a galaxy full of Jedi. We aren’t meant to drink from the Holy Grail, we are meant to live our lives and to try and enjoy it as much as we can in the limited time we’re given.

For most people, a passion is a hobby they like doing. For many, doing a hobby as a job is a horrible idea. Let me give a few personal examples.

A friend of mine loved cooking amazing food, as a paid chef in a fine restaurant, he hates it. He told me that he regretted that big life decision because it ruined what he once loved.

In my case, I went to school for computer programming because I enjoyed fucking around with code in high school. A semester and a half into college, it dawned on me that I didn’t want to write code for the next thirty years of my life.

Moving forward, I have always been creative and artistic and found myself working in that field. I now do graphic design and other artistic stuff for a living but I am not happy doing it – I am just really good at it. And maybe I am naturally an artist but it isn’t my passion. I just happen to have a high skill level, the talent and at the end of the day, it pays me well enough. And I’m not sure what I could do better.

That brings me to the other old adage that often accompanies “follow your passion” and that is “do what you love.” Both mean the same thing but the point is, doing what you love isn’t a key to happiness. Sometimes, doing what you love makes you love it less.

My friend is a chef because he needs to pay bills. I am a professional artist for the same reason. In both cases, what we love to do has become a curse of sorts.

When my friend cooks for himself and his family and friends, he is happy. When I am creative for myself, I am happy. But doing these things as a job is a totally different scenario. And if they were pretty hardcore passions, they have certainly lost their luster.

Contrary to popular belief, most people don’t have preexisting passions. Additionally, happiness in the workplace is quantified by many factors other than personal interests and passion. I like that I get three weeks off every year, to use that time to focus on whatever I want to without interruption. I also like that my job allows plenty of free time so I can dabble in more things that actually interest me. Plus there is a lot of freedom at my place of employment that I wouldn’t have elsewhere. These are happiness factors that work for me.

Also, sometimes a passion happens later. We may not know what we love because we haven’t experienced it yet. I often times joke that I could be the best golfer in the world but I’ll never know because I don’t have much interest in golfing. But if I golfed and found out that I had that skill, a new passion could flourish. This is why I always like trying new things outside of my comfort zone. But really, I have no interest in golfing despite my amazing putt-putt skills.

Elaborating on that, passion doesn’t necessarily exist naturally and often times it takes hard work and cultivation. And sometimes, passion can be born from cultivating a skill set that you initially didn’t have much interest in until you had to do it.

A personal example of this, is that I recently had to confront an engineering issue with a product in my company. Everyone was baffled at how to make the product function properly. I took it apart, analyzed it and figured out how to modify it mechanically. I found out that I really liked solving this problem and discovered a passion for mechanical engineering that I never knew I had because I had never been confronted with it. Now I love taking on these sorts of tasks and if I had a time machine, I might go back and tell my younger self to follow that path. Not that I can’t follow it now.

But there is no guarantee that I would enjoy mechanical engineering as my actual primary job.

As time moves on, people change and grow and with that, their passions may alter. I was passionate about a lot of different things in the past that I am not passionate about now. At first I wanted to be a firefighter, then a G.I. Joe, then a mad scientist, then a comic book artist, then a rapper, then a computer programmer, then an MMA fighter, then a gigolo, then a paid artist. Point is, shit changes.

So lets be adults here. “Follow your passion” all you want but you have to make money to survive. If you are a special breed that can do what you love for a living and find happiness in that, good for you. But for the rest of us, we have to take care of living expenses, families and other things.

Does that mean you ignore your passions?

No, not at all. Unless you are chained to your desk for 168 hours per week, you have free time to spend however you want. If you don’t have free time, maybe you need to find a job that allows you to have a life away from work. The secret isn’t following your passion, it is work/life balance. With proper balance, your passions can flourish.

Now if your passions start to make you money, enjoy it. But keep your damned job until you know you’re alright financially. Quitting tomorrow because you have a burning desire to paint trees is probably a bad life decision.

I’m all about passion but I am about setting goals, preparing and having a plan of attack. I’m not telling you not to take risks but just like “follow your passion” is mostly bullshit, so is “risk equals reward.” While great reward can be born from taking a risk, there is no guarantee. It is called risk for a reason and it is better to be prepared and to know what you are walking into than to just leap off of a cliff into the fog below.

“Follow your passion.” Sorry, life is too complex for that.

Go ahead and make your life meaningful, we all should strive for that. Just don’t be an idiot.

Big Sunglasses Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

You may be reading the title of this post and be thinking, is he serious? Yes, I am pretty damned serious here. So why the hate for larger sunglasses? Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

To start, this is for the ladies. I don’t care so much if a dude is wearing large sunglasses. If he is, I have to wonder about his overall masculinity but I’m not in the business of wanting to shag dudes, so I don’t really care if he wants to look like an idiot. He can keep his large sunglasses and skinny jeans in the corner with his other dude bros trying to out-sex each other while preying on 17 year-olds at Spring Break.

Moving on, let’s talk about your big sunglasses, ladies.

For one thing, they are too fucking big and cover up like 75 percent of your face. I don’t know how this is considered attractive and sexy and how this became the norm. I get it though, they block out more sun. Well, that’s the excuse anyway. The fact that they cover your entire face and are a gigantic billboard for whatever name brand shades you have an affinity for is probably a big part of your attraction to looking like some bug-eyed sex goblin whether at the beach or driving to Zoom Tan. For the record, if you’re not picking up on what I’m saying here, that shit’s not attractive.

No one really cares about what name brand sunglasses you’re wearing. Well, that is except for the other girls who are also wearing fuchsia-colored World War I motorcycle goggles. Stop competing with each other for who has the best glasses, it is childish and lame. Be more of a hardcore bitch because a hardcore bitch wouldn’t give a shit. For example, a lame childish chick would say something like, “Oh hey girly, you didn’t say anything, so I am assuming you didn’t notice these 50 lb. Leche Bananas that are covering my entire face!” The hardcore bitch would then respond with something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing a motorcycle helmet? Fuck off.”

Additionally, another point that has to be made about these monstrosities is that you aren’t going to attract a proper mate with these alien face-huggers stuck to your face. For instance, I once had a girl come up to me who said it was great hanging out with me the previous day at some bar on the beach. I was like, “Yeah, who the fuck are you?” And then she told me and it clicked! “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you because your entire face was covered by sunglasses yesterday!” Then I remembered that the entire time I was talking to the girl on the previous day, that I couldn’t determine if she was attractive because I couldn’t see anything other than her little nose and tiny mouth. And this isn’t a one-off incident, it happens a lot. Half the time, I think the chicks are attempting to hide some gnarly scar or something.

I’m not trying to sound like a superficial douchebag here but the fact of the matter is, when you’re vibing with another human being and there just might be a bit of a spark, you’d like to see their face, right? I can’t tell you how many girls have ruined their game with me because I couldn’t see their face. The face tells a lot, the face is beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off. Talking to a girl with giant fucking sunglasses is like talking to a priest behind a confessional screen. It’s just so impersonal and awkward.

When it comes to the excuse of wearing giant sunglasses because they block out more of the sun, I’m calling bullshit. For starters, I never wear sunglasses because I hate things on my face. That being said, I live in Southwest Florida where the sun is mighty intense and I am also prone to migraines. I still never wear sunglasses and I do just fine. Now when I have worn them for whatever odd reason, normal-fitting decent sized sunglasses did the job and kept the sun out of my eyes. Sunglasses aren’t hard to understand and use. When used correctly, decent sized ones work. You chicks mean to tell me that you can use a hundred different video effects apps to produce wicked Vines all day but you can’t figure out how to wear a proper pair of sunglasses?

I think I’ve made my point and there isn’t much else I really need to add. What we’ve got here is just another case of chicks being ridiculous because they’re too concerned with what other chicks think and ultimately are pushing away men who are of a better stock than the mickey-slipping beaus they usually shack up with.

Diets Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I’m a big guy, I’m cool with it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be healthy. I try to stay active and eat well, as often as I can. Due to my incredibly slow metabolism or whatever, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. In that time, I have tried an endless number of fad diets and every other dietary system out there. Being 35 years-old, I think I’ve followed that cycle long enough to see the trends and results and can pretty much conclude that all these fad diets are bullshit.

I’m not going to sit here and argue against the “science” of any of these diets because for every study that says one thing, you can always find one that states the opposite. Studies are also bullshit but maybe I’ll write a separate article about that in the future.

Losing weight isn’t easy. Well, in theory it should be. Of course, if you follow most of these fad diets to a tee, you’ll probably see results but whatever the system or method is that you’re using, there is most assuredly a catch involved.

I’m sorry Dr. Atkins and your followers but your “no carb” madness is bullshit and those of you dining on bacon all day and night are going to run into some serious problems. You think at this point, that it would pretty much be common sense but people still take this diet to the nth degree: believing such dietary behavior to be a magic fix all. There is a truth to low carb/high protein diets that people need to realize. While they work for weight loss, they are harmful to your health and can be dangerous.

The crazy juicers out there have really fucked themselves. Essentially, you have to juice forever or switch over to a micronutrient diet every now and again, which allows you some solid food. Sorry, but this shit is torture and I’d rather eat responsibly than suck a tree’s dick for the rest of my life. Juicing is gross and disgusting. Plus you can’t tell me that you are taking in all of the plant when 75 percent of it is being spit out of your juicer’s ass like some sort of swamp cole slaw. Unless you are a Buddhist monk trying to prove a political point, fasting is stupid.

Don’t even get me started on “The Master Cleanse” a.k.a. the lemonade diet.

The South Beach Diet just pisses me off by the name alone, as Miami is just a shit hole of a place obsessed with stupid trends. Why would I follow their diet fad? Plus I ate one of their microwave meals one time because I was hungover at some dumb girl’s house. The meal was the worse thing I’ve ever tasted after liquid kale.

The raw food diet? I don’t get it. Vegetables and fruit are good raw but don’t ever show up at my house with a raw key lime pie made out of avocado. That shit isn’t even cute, it is an abomination and the worst idea anyone has ever had. Raw milk? Why don’t you just go to the source and suck it out of a cow’s titty?

The paleo diet, also called the caveman diet and other things, is seemingly the most plausible in my opinion. However eating what cavemen or our ancestors from the Paleolithic era ate, is damned near impossible because despite what all these books tell you, different people from different regions had access to different things. Also, there is no real way of knowing exactly what made up the diets of all these specific cultures. We have some good knowledge on it but it isn’t complete. For fuck’s sake, this was like millions of years ago. There is a reason why it is referred to as “prehistory”. Paleo practitioners eat a lot of meat and vegetables (but they’re picky as to which ones) and they stay away from grains and white potatoes. Well, there is evidence suggesting that Paleolithic people ate white potatoes and grains, so there goes that dietary theory. Paleolithic motherfuckers also ate grubs and insects. So are you going to bacon-wrap some cockroaches?

For the record, out of all the things I’ve tried, I did like the paleo diet the most, I felt the best on it compared to other diets and I lost weight at a decent rate. However, I am a sucker for meat, so I made it work.

The truth is much easier than these fad diets want you to believe. All one really has to do is use common sense and eat sensibly. You should know what is good and bad for you and if you don’t, educate yourself and quit relying on dietary quacks trying to sell their program. And that’s the thing, stop believing what every snake oil salesman is trying to sell you and do a fucking Google search to read the criticism of the product you want to rush out and buy. If it sounds to good to be true, it is.

The most successful diet I have ever been on is no diet. Knowing what is good and what is bad and eating appropriately with portion control, has led to me losing weight the quickest and most healthily. Also, one has to add exercise because to burn calories, you have to do something other than sitting on your ass watching “America’s Got Talent” or playing “Angry Birds 17”. Your body needs to work and move, which is something else that should be common sense.

And don’t be dismayed, you can still eat those things you want to eat, you just have to learn what the word “moderation” means. Yes, I eat some bad shit but I don’t eat it all the time. I post recipes for glorious high calorie treats but I have that stuff once in a blue moon. I still eat red meat, chicken, bacon, fish and the occasional Snickers bar or pint of ice cream. The fact that I don’t do it on a daily basis, makes those things much more enjoyable when I do treat myself.

Just don’t be a dumbass and don’t be some fool forking over cash for the next miracle diet book or program or $1,400 megajuicer. It’s all bullshit. If you want to know more, as to why these fad diets are crap, read some of the stuff Rational Wiki has to say about them and do further research. Know your sources and don’t take information at face value. If someone says, “studies show…” you need to run.

Retro Relapse: Everyone’s A Fucking Guru

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

Every morning while sitting on the toilet, I open up my Facebook to peruse my news feed. I used to enjoy finding good articles and interesting pictures that kept me entertained enough over the course of my morning pooh. Those days are long gone. So then I open up Instagram. Sure, there are some cool pictures but they are lightly sprinkled in amongst the sea of bullshit. The same sea of bullshit that has taken over my Facebook news feed. Twitter? Fuck Twitter. Snapchat? Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.

So what is this sea of bullshit?

Well, it is the overabundance of motivational nonsense that I can’t avoid. It’s the fucking memes, the fucking quotes, the fucking song lyrics, the fucking poetry and the cute fucking pictures of cute fucking shit that is supposed to help me close the deal, get a raise, buy a mansion, piss out a yacht, bitch slap the gym, grow kale from my face, drink plant piss, hug a hobo, high-five a cancer patient, wrestle a sloth off of a stop sign and be satisfied with my dick size (I am, mostly… but c’mon, what guy doesn’t want a bigger dick?).

I’m sure this piece here will have some of these perfect peaches on my friends list delete me. Good, please just fucking do it. I actually might not even remember a lot of you, as I’ve hidden a bunch of chronic offenders from my news feed and frankly, I’m too lazy to find the page where I can hit “delete” on your face.

But seriously, when did the Internet get so fucking lame? When did every Tom, Dick and Joan decide that they were some sort of life guru for the world? I’m sorry, but I don’t think any of you are Richard Branson. If Richard Branson was dropping advice on me daily, I’d probably actually mull it over and not yell from my toilet seat, “Jesus fuck! Not more of this goddamned shit!”

And to be fair, it isn’t just this garbage that pisses me off. Mix in the stream of social gurus with the pseudoscience retardation, identity politics whiners and crazed Trump supporters and that’s enough to make a sane man go banana sandwich on some simple motherfuckers.

But it’s the guru shit that seems to irk me the most just because there is so much of it and the ratio of guru bullshit versus everything else is pretty monstrous. And it keeps spreading and getting bigger. Everyone on social media thinks it’s their daily fucking duty to plaster every possible data stream with generic mundane lazy Hallmark fuckery.

Are you perfect?

No, no one is fucking perfect. So, I’ll give you a pass there.

But do you have your shit completely together and actually exist in a place where you know some next level shit and can pick up your friends and give them true intellectual enlightenment? No?

Just because you’ve made it to the gym for the third day in a row or because you broke up with Russell for the eighth time doesn’t give you any special powers or insight. It doesn’t entitle you to plaster my feed with your cookie cutter third grade insight to achieve personal nirvana. And yes, I can kick you off my feed and I have but this nonsense has gotten completely unavoidable. Everyone is guilty of it to some degree. I’m sure I’ve posted some garbage in a drunken emotional state of weakness.

The problem, and the reason I call it “nonsense” is because 90 percent of the shit I see and read is fucking nonsense. It’s awful nonsense. It’s the kind of nonsense that doesn’t make any sense when you actually think about what it is saying. And most of the time, this shit is taken and represented out of its original context. And the problem, is that human beings just see this shit and repost it like it’s fucking gospel. People no longer think for themselves, social media has made it so that we can share some bullshit thought by some bullshit artist and then feel some sense of accomplishment because we’re doing our daily duty of saving the world – one fucktastic nonsensical woo woo meme and quote at a time.

But now it is my turn! Now I will be your guru! I mean, if you can be my guru, why can’t I be yours? That’s only fair, right?

So here we go!

-Step 1: Get off your fucking high horse, Deepak Chopra Jr.

-Step 2: Stop sharing bullshit.

-Step 3: Understand what you’re actually expressing or if it’s just bullshit. It is probably just bullshit.

-Step 4: Use you time better.

-Step 5: Actually handle your business and once you do something worthwhile that actually makes a difference in the world, then maybe share something.

I get it though. There is something about the “power of positivity”. The “Law of Attraction” a.k.a. “The Secret” is a big ball of horse shit but positive thinking and application does actually achieve some positive results. Well, not all the time but a positive mindset is more productive than a negative one. But that’s common sense, right?

If you want to help people, then help people. You daily meme pushers aren’t any better than the slacktivists out there that think that just because they share a Kony 2012 video that they helped save Africa. You’re fucking lazy; the Internet has made laziness too easy. I’m guilty of it too.

But c’mon, you can’t save the world and have a meaningful positive impact on multiple people just by clicking “share”. Well, at least not as much as you could have if you got off of your ass and did something. If you do care and you want to spread a positive message, make the effort.

Do I have all my shit together? No, absolutely not. But I understand that. I also understand that it is damned hard to find someone who has all their shit together. Life is a work in progress and it will be that way until we die. But should we encourage each other? Of course. But do that shit in person with your real world friends. All this positive clutter is just clutter. It all loses any impact it could have when there is a constant stream of it.

Our social lives are ruled by the need to find validation through “likes” and “shares”, mostly by strangers. And that seems to be strange and not really a positive thing, which makes this whole bullshit pretty counterproductive.

The truth is, I am probably just going to leave social media altogether, except for Instagram, as I don’t have to interact with anyone or at least feel obligated to. I know who my real friends are and I spend time with them in the physical world. I don’t need to talk to them online, we see each other in person. And we positively support each other in person.

But maybe people have just forgotten how to have organic relationships with human beings in the flesh. In the real world, it isn’t as easy to create and hide behind your ideal persona. But with real people, you can talk about your shit and not project your insecurities and issues through memes, Marilyn Monroe quotes and Taylor Swift lyrics.

I know I can be an asshole. I also know that I am a good person and that I have a truly positive impact on those I love and care about. I don’t need a bunch of strangers to validate my half-assed attempts at trying to be a beacon of light and hope lost in a sea full of other beacons competing for endless and meaningless mouse clicks.

Retro Relapse: Girls & Marilyn Monroe Quotes

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

One thing about social media, is that some person will post some asinine bullshit and then just about everyone else will repost and share that shit without really thinking about it. Something I’ve seen floating around the Internet a lot is this Marilyn Monroe quote:

..if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Bitch, please.

If you are a dude crushing on a chick that posts this to her Facebook wall or her Twitter feed, you better move on. At its core it basically says, “Yeah, I’m going to be a total unreasonable bitch and if you don’t put up with my selfish crap, no pussy for you!”

How would these same chicks respond if some guy posted to his Facebook wall, “I’m a complete alpha bastard, selfish asshole and pretty much a man whore, if you can’t deal with it, find some weak punk bitch to knock you up.”

I’m sorry, honey. If you’re going to have that philosophy throughout your life, you’re going to be a lonely bitch. Sure, if you look good, you may attract a few potential suitors but ultimately, they’ll go away after being exposed to your bullshit and drama. You may also get a full-time lapdog but once the boy toy novelty wears off, what then?

I get it though, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. By trying to live vicariously through her ridiculous words you are imagining yourself to be glamorous and legendary but the fact of the matter is, you aren’t. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news but you’re simply typical. With every other girl out there posting this shit to their walls and feeds, it is neither unique, edgy or cool. It goes back to what I wrote about in The Princess Syndrome, if you are all doing the exact same thing, who is the princess? Which one of you is the unique flower in a field of grass? The short answer: none of you.

Also, posting this type of shit is a deterrent to men, at least ones with a brain in their head.

Here’s the thing, as I stated, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. She was also a drug-addicted booze hound that fucked a married man, the president of the United States. She also wasn’t a stupendous actress. So really, why do women idolize this mess so much?

The answer to that has to do with the fact that beauty, glamour and fame are apparently more important than the content of someone’s character.

Marilyn Monroe was also a hypocrite with just about everything she said.

She would parade herself around as an independent woman that didn’t need a man. She bragged about making a life of her own, on her own, yet she was unfaithfully married several times. Her first marriage, was due to the fact that her foster parents could no longer support her. She also forced one of her husbands to impregnate her before he was shipped off to war. Additionally, she had an affair with actor Tony Curtis, who she starred with in Some Like It Hot. She got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage.

I’m not even going to cover her long string of adulterous behavior but if the Internet and personal video cameras existed in her day, I’m sure there would’ve been a leaked sex tape or several.

As far as body image, girls are always posting Marilyn quotes about being proud to be curvy and all that jazz. Marilyn Monroe was full of shit. At her absolute heaviest, Marilyn Monroe was 130 lbs. She was a small petite woman being 5′ 5″ and having a 22 inch waist. For her size, she had nice hips (I prefer bigger, actually) but by today’s unit of measurement, she would have been a size 0.

This brings me to something else, a quote that is credited to Marilyn Monroe but is complete bullshit:

To all the girls who think you’re ugly because you’re not a size 0, you’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.

Yes, this is a positive quote but it is bullshit because Marilyn Monroe died in 1962. A size 0 wasn’t even a thing until 1966 when it was used to describe the hot new supermodel Twiggy. So how exactly did Marilyn say this when ghosts aren’t real and time machines don’t exist?

Girls who aren’t a size 0 constantly refer to Marilyn as a hero because she wasn’t a “rail” and had a “healthy” body unlike the supermodels of today. The truth is, Marilyn Monroe’s measurements were 35-22-35. The average model of today is 34-22-34. Yeah, Marilyn was totally a fuller woman. Have any of these girls who worship Marilyn on body image issues ever seen a picture of her? She was skinny as a rail, despite their belief.

The point to all this is, know who your heroes are. Don’t just mindlessly repost crap because it sounds empowering. Marilyn’s words aren’t empowering when you see them within the context of who she actually was and most of the time, her words were those of a self-obsessed maniac. Parading around like an egotistical bitch is a sure way to not have a happy and meaningful life. Besides that, Marilyn wasn’t a hero. She was a substance abusing mess that used her vagina as a tool for selfish pursuits and a source of continued fame. Yes, she was attractive but she was also a manipulator and a pretty immoral person with shit for character. She was her era’s Kim Kardashian but worse.

Shit, that just gave me a horrible thought. Are girls 50-60 years from now going to be filling up their social media profiles with Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton quotes? The horror.

Please, stop deifying assholes.