Maxim Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I really like looking at Mila Kunis and pretty much every other girl that Maxim throws on its cover to perk up dude’s peens and get them to buy a copy at the newsstand. Hot celebrity chicks wearing next to nothing will always turn the head of men in heat. For the record, men are always in heat; it’s the nature of the beast that is us but at least some of us aren’t pathetic dick-driven saps.

This is why I have never actually bought an issue of Maxim. Well, that and the absurdity of their headlines, which completely make me shake my head in disbelief. That is actually what this whole damn article is about.

Do the editors of Maxim think that men are women? I only ask this because at its core, on a content level, Maxim is essentially Cosmopolitan for people with dicks. I’m sorry but I have a dick and I’m not buying into this charade. To be blunt, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maxim was some attempt to further emasculate men by pretending that they’re trying to give the illusion of building them up.

To make my point clearer, let’s looks at some of the headlines from their covers:

“Is Your Girl Cheating?”
“Share The Love Bro!: How To Steal Your Best-Friend’s Girl”
“Can We Get That To Go (Waitress Sex)”
“I Do The Bridesmaid: Get Great Wedding Sex”
“She Wants To Cheat: Sex Secrets Of The Hotel Bar”
“Eat. Lay. Love. The Good Sex Diet”
“How To Scam Hot Chicks Even If You’re Too Timid To Even Buy Actual Pornography”
“Tongue Twist Her: How To Kiss Her Where It Counts”
“Love Lessons: Sex Tips You Can’t Live Without”
“5,000 Women Want You.. To Know What They Want In Bed”
“Become A God: In Bed, At Work, Behind The Wheel”
“Cheat And Don’t Get Caught: Women Tell You How”
“Touch Her Right Here: 10 Hot Spots For One-Stroke Seduction”
“Unleash Her Inner Nympho”
“Sex Unlimited!: Make Any Girl Seduce You!”

That’s just 15 headlines from random covers. They’ve been putting this shit out monthly for over 15 years. Not to mention that it has 16 editions in 75 countries. Maxim sells over two million magazines per month!

While reading those headlines, many of which I’ve seen on newsstands, I felt like my masculinity was shriveling up and dying just from glancing at those words. I mean, who writes that shit? More importantly, who reads it? Certainly not men. Well, possibly human beings with penises but not actual men.

Have we been reduced to insecure little bitches that cower in the face of sex? Are we gossipy woman-like creatures who need to thumb through the latest sex article because we’re fearful that our significant other is a loose trollop? Are we really all pigs that want to fuck our best friend’s girl? What does Maxim think a man is, exactly? And if they are this far gone on the understanding of masculinity, is it possible that they also don’t understand femininity?

Here’s reality though. You see, if Maxim’s tips and tricks were working, wouldn’t there be an extra two million dudes per month turning their game up – becoming superstar pimps leaving their mark on the hearts and uteruses of females everywhere?

Maxim is in the business of selling magazines. Sex sells. Maxim sells sex. People buy it. The formula is simple.

But as far as taking any of it seriously, get your shit together. Maxim isn’t here to help you and they really don’t care if they do. They sell a tried and true formula that works while desperate males continue to buy into it in an effort to quell their insecurities.

With the rise of feminism, women have become much more secure and have taken charge of their own destinies. That’s great. On the flipside however, men are seemingly reduced to the housewives of yesteryear, sitting in a bookstore café, nibbling on biscotti, reading Maxim – trying to get love tips to please their women, just as women used to do forty or fifty years ago. The roles have reversed and these men are just lost.

Well fellas, I’d hate to be the one to break it to you, but you aren’t going to find yourself in the pages of Maxim.

Getting back to the hot ladies in the magazine, yes.. I like to look at them. However, in this day and age, porn is free and at least people are naked and fucking.

Just For Men Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

“Just For Men”? More like “Just Be Whatever Corporations Tell You Women Want So They Can Sell Your Insecure Ass On Some Bullshit”!

The whole name “Just For Men” is oxymoronic. Their commercials usually depict some sort of manly dude being awesomely manly and then being shut down by some cunty supermodel slut because homeboy looks too old with a bit of salt and pepper in his hair and/or beard. Jesus Christ sliding down a rainbow, where do I even start ripping at the seams here?

Just For Men wants you to believe that women are that superficial and mindless. They also hope that you, the man, are also that superficial and mindless. Now if a woman is that superficial and mindless, she is a useless asshole bottom-feeding slag that you should buy a drink for – only to pour it in her gonorrhea afflicted lap. If you are a man that is also that superficial and mindless, you need to see a surgeon and have your testicles replaced because they’re not working properly.

The point is, if you are a bad ass grizzly bear motherfucker surfing the flaming solar flares of a supernova over a black hole while whittling your own 1972 Ferrari Dino out of granite, women will love you regardless of a few grey hairs on your chin. Hell, you could be full on grey or bald and women universally would be speed-flicking their beans – competing for the world record every time you just so happened to glance in their direction.

Shit, how many women still jack off to old ass Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Sean Connery and Patrick Stewart? Quite a bit. Hell, Johnny Depp after 50 years on this planet is showing some age but ladies still want to be finger-blasted by Capt. Jack Sparrow.

What men need is not some little dainty cardboard box full of dyes and womanly instructions. No, they need real fucking confidence! How bad ass would you feel combing your bitch dye into your meticulously shaped and effeminate bitch goatee (*cough! cough!.. Jay Glazer)? And no matter how much bitch dye you use, you will always be a bitch. And considering that real women don’t give a fuck, you’re just proving that.. 1.) You’re an idiot. 2.) You’re gullible. 3.) You’re a fear turtle that spends too much time in his bitch shell. 4.) You believe and trust any bullshit thrown at you. 5.) You’re about as masculine as a giant Hefty bag full of vaginas.

If the fact that Just For Men also sells “Just A Bit of Grey” kits doesn’t tip you off to their bullshit, that just means that you are a class A buffoon. These assholes will sell you anything, especially if you’re the kind of weakling sap suffering from the male guilt manufactured by the militant feminist movement that hates your penis anyway. Fuck those chicks wanting dicks of their own. Besides, they already own yours if you buy into this whole “Just For Men” conspiracy. Yes, conspiracy! A conspiracy to emasculate America!

Now don’t even get me started on those bullshit Gillette commercials with supermodels who would never fuck any of us – calling for men to completely shave their entire bodies. Fuck you, Kate Upton. Take off your make up and step away from the Photoshop. Minus your tits of magnificence, you’re just a day shift stripper at the Brass Ass outside of Cincinnati. If you can live a lie and hide your imperfections with MAC makeup and a team of graphic artists, I can hide mine with bodacious body hair and a beard epic enough to have Peter Jackson personally begging me to let him direct a trilogy about it.

At the end of the day, men just need to fucking embrace what they are. Stop being lap dogs because Milkbones taste like shit and being neutered means that you can’t properly fuck stuff.

Book Review: ‘How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way’ by Stan Lee & John Buscema

This book was a prized possession for me around the time I was ten or eleven. I think, at the time, that it was the only book I could find on the subject in a small Florida town in the days before the Internet and Amazon.

I once had aspirations of being a comic book artist though. I succeeded in my middle school years and put out some books after starting a company with some friends. We successfully sold a few dozen comics (per release) to other kids but being twelve in an era without Internet meant that you had to pound the pavement and things like school and chores often times got in the way.

This book taught me a lot at the time though.

If it wasn’t for this book, I wouldn’t have had as good of a grasp on drawing dynamic motion, shadowing, light and understanding perspective.

In some regard, this book is now dated but that is mostly due to the art style and some of the old school techniques that this teaches. It’s a very straight to basics book that came out before the digital era. Therefore, it doesn’t touch on modern techniques like creating comic book art digitally.

Still, this is a great starting point for anyone as the core things that this teaches are still necessary today.

In fact, many comic book pros could benefit from the lessons here as dynamic motion seems to be dying and perspective has been a bit wonky in several of the mainstream titles I’ve looked at lately.

If someone is serious about becoming a comic book artist and learning the craft, this should definitely have a place in their library. There are more up to date books on the subject that have come out over the years though. I plan to review some of them in the future but I wanted to go back and give respect to this one first, the O.G. comic book art manual.

Rating: 8/10
Pairs well with: Writing and Illustrating the Graphic Novel, Framed Ink, Figure Drawing for Comics and Graphic Novels, Cartooning: The Head & Figure and Realistic Figure Drawing.

Book Review: ‘Paddle Your Own Canoe: One Man’s Fundamentals for Delicious Living’ by Nick Offerman

You will most likely recognize Nick Offerman as the anti-government government worker, Ron Swanson from the fantastic show Parks & Recreation. The real man isn’t too far from living up to the awesomeness that is his fictional counterpart. Now while his political philosophy may not be as hardcore in real life, he is just as much a man’s man and a complete badass. He’s also a die hard Cubs fan, so there is that too.

This book is primarily autobiographical. Nick tells tales of his childhood, his life, his struggles and everything in-between. He spends a good deal of time talking about the men who helped shape him into who he is.

He also discusses his love of the Cubs, his love of woodworking and his sweet breakdancing skills. He covers his thoughts on diet and health, which is important coming from the man who on television only ever seems to eat turf & turf while pillaging through cigars and Scotch. He also goes into facial hair, which is just one of many things that he has earned expert status on.

The highpoint and best parts of the book, which are sprinkled throughout, are the times where he talks about his love for his wife, Megan Mullally. The book is almost a love letter to his wife and although it is somewhat mushy and sweet, it still comes off manly as fuck and is a good lesson to other men on how to treat and see their wives or girlfriends.

Finishing this book, I wasn’t left unsatisfied. I expected it to be a good primer on who Nick Offerman is and I was left with a lot more than that. There isn’t a chapter in this book that one can’t learn something from. Paddle Your Own Canoe is not just a well-written, educational and entertaining book, it is a valuable book.

Rating: 9/10
Pairs well with: Nick Offerman’s other books: Gumption and Good Clean Fun.

Book Review: ‘The $100 Startup’ by Chris Guillebeau

*Written in 2014.

The $100 Startup was an awesome and inspiring read. Actually, I read it twice back-to-back.

The book tells several stories of people who started their own businesses for very little money, how they marketed themselves, found a good niche and became great successes. The stories within these pages helped me cultivate some ideas I have been mulling over and it pushed me in the direction of working towards my ultimate goal, creating something solely my own that makes me money and affords me the ability to work where I want, when I want and how I want.

This book isn’t a “get rich quick” scheme that promises the universe but gives you nothing. This book preaches hard work, ingenuity and gives one the tools to succeed. The tools aren’t even that complicated and this book keeps things simple and straightforward.

There are a lot of books on startups but this one takes the cake, in my opinion. It can’t guarantee your success but it can certainly prepare you for what’s ahead if you take the journey. It also has enough depth and several examples to help get your idea machine churning.

All in all, it is a pretty invaluable book.

Rating: 8.5/10
Pairs well with: Other books by Chris Guillebeau.

Book Review: ‘Survive!: Essential Skills and Tactics to Get You Out of Anywhere – Alive’ by Les Stroud

If you’ve ever watched the Discovery Channel show Survivorman, you should know who Les Stroud is. He is, in my opinion, the best survival expert in the world today. His show was always the most realistic, most practical and wasn’t full of staged bullshit for dramatic effect. What you saw with Stroud is what you got, which is the same with this book.

Survive! follows the tradition of Stroud being the best, as it is the best book on survival that I have read. Take my word for it, I’ve read quite a bit throughout the years.

Stroud covers pretty much everything you need to know. If you have watched his show, you should be familiar with most of what is discussed in this book. However, unlike his television series, the book is able to go into greater detail on every subject and skill that you should understand and master.

From a writing standpoint, Stroud puts a lot of himself into his words and his personality comes through in the book, which just adds to the awesomeness of the experience. He also comments on several misconceptions and some of the bullshit survival tactics put out there by other survival “experts” who are just trying to make shocking television while selling survival gear with their own name brand on it.

Les Stroud cuts through the crap and gets right down to business, which in a survival situation, is what one needs. So put down the elephant poop cocktail and delve into something far less gross and more realistic.

Rating: 9.25/10
Pairs well with: Other books by Les Stroud.

Book Review: ‘Dear Client: This Book Will Teach You How to Get What You Want from Creative People’ by Bonnie Siegler

Sometimes I read books within my own field. Since I am a Creative Director, I like to see what is out there from time to time that pertains to what I do for a living. I don’t often review these sort of books but when something unique comes along, it is worth pointing out.

And that’s what Dear Client is, something unique and without realizing until I read it, something necessary.

Granted, I don’t know how many people that aren’t creatives will want to read it, as most of the ones I deal with on a regular basis, don’t seem to give a shit how they treat me, the creative process or even want to understand what the goal of it all is. But I work in a pretty toxic environment that most creative types run away from… and have.

If only I could get my bosses to read this but if it isn’t some cheat sheet to fantasy football, they’d probably just use it to prop up an unbalanced desk or throw it in some drawer for a personal assistant to discover a decade from now.

Bonnie Siegler wrote something fairly magnificent though and it is both thorough and straight to the point. Its bluntness is great but it’s not a mean bluntness, more like cutting away the bullshit and just stating things simply so anyone can grasp it. There’s no technical jargon or artist lingo that will be hard for the layman to understand. It spells out things nicely and provides a road map on how to approach every scenario in this book to come out with a win-win situation for all.

Siegler’s book is organized into 66 chapters, all of which are just 2-4 pages each. There is a lot to take in but the book is well organized and easy to go back and reference, if need be.

While this is written to help out those dealing with creatives, it is beneficial to creatives too, as it is a reminder of how things should be done. It’s also great to have someone explaining our side of the coin to the business world in such a good way.

Kudos to Bonnie Siegler for having my back and creating something so valuable, easy to pick up, straightforward and honest.

I couldn’t put this down but it is a quick read, as I finished it in just over an hour.

Rating: 8.75/10
Pairs well with: Truth be told, there really isn’t another book like this. At least that I have come across.