Talking Pulp: A Few Words While Dealing With the “Mexican Lager Viral Event”

This coronavirus insanity has made the world go bonkers. I think people are just scared and allowing the media and others to work them up into a panic that makes them hoard strange things like toilet paper and garlic.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my head up, maintain as positive of an attitude as I can while trying to weed out the bullshit, hysteria and conspiracy theories, in an effort to digest just the facts and maintain a rational mindset.

Since I know that I get a lot more readers here than I have followers on Twitter, I thought that I’d share something that I said on that social media platform a few days ago:

As someone who’s lived thru multiple bad hurricanes, it’s important to see how these things bring us together, as opposed to fixating on the a-holes that turn to fear, panic & general douchery. There are more good people than bad, even though sometimes it doesn’t look that way.

I wanted to expand on that, though, as Twitter limits the size of your tweets and you can’t always jot down your complete thoughts in better detail or context with just 280 characters. Granted, most people these days can’t seem to process information larger than a sensationalist clickbait headline but I digress.

So, here we all are, at an interesting time in human history. It’s the start of a new decade, mainstream culture has gotten really weird the last few years and frankly, people nowadays bitch about absolute nonsense and are always looking to get offended because they’re seeking out conflict where there is none.

An intelligent, rational person would probably think that we no longer have any real problems because the ones that people seem to get so worked up about don’t remotely compare to the gravity of a World War, the Holocaust, the Cold War, the Great Depression, Vietnam, civil rights, the Civil War or a plague. Now people get hella pissed because the President tweeted out something rude and crass. Granted, I don’t think Twitter really benefits the guy but whatever, I’m not going to diarrhea all over the Internet about it.

My point is, what’s happening in the world, right now, could be the biggest thing that’s happened in a generation. I’m not discounting 9/11 but this COVID-19 pandemic has already directly affected a lot more people and it doesn’t look like it plans on slowing down, as the world’s greatest minds are doing what they can to try and limit the damage it is going to cause.

Many people think that the governments are overreacting and maybe they are but ultimately, this is a more serious problem than what many are seeing it as. The reason why it is this big of an issue is our lack of preparedness. The writing has been on the wall for quite some time and this virus could have been more effectively countered at a much earlier stage.

More than anything, I hope this is a lesson and that those who have the ability and the power to do something about this, will be much more vigilant in the future. The spread of viruses needs to be more of a priority and I’m speaking as someone that doesn’t like big government and is pretty laissez-faire. But if I’m paying taxes, which I always will, I’d rather it go towards science, medicine and technological advances that can enrich the future and make it safer.

Most of us are good people. Most of us want the best for not just ourselves but also our neighbors. We live in a world where technology has made us closer and our communities aren’t just our local neighborhoods. Collectively, we should be working to survive and thrive. It’s in all of our best interest to make sure that the world is healthy on all levels.

Yes, there will always be shitty, terrible people. But we can’t let those few speak and act for the rest of us. They aren’t us and I think that many people lose sight of that when they turn on the news and see spring breaking Millennials being self-absorbed dipshits or normal people, full of fear, fist fighting over toilet paper and snack cakes. These people aren’t the majority but it is really easy for the majority to get pulled into this destructive, paranoid orbit and become what they fear.

I know it’s become a cliche statement but everyone should be the change that they want to see in the world. Be better, be positive, try not to lose your cool in times like this and know that, most likely, most of us will get through this.

We’ve had a pretty easy existence for a long time but once in a while, shit hits the fan. This is shit hitting the fan. But how we handle it is up to us. You control how you respond to the shit that the world throws at you.

In the end, this will be much easier to get through if more people have each other’s backs and we all try to help where we can. The media just exists to make money off of our fear, paranoia and insecurity, so it is in their nature to try and generate more, especially in times like these.

Learn how to read through the bullshit. Know the facts. Don’t take every rumor or clickbait headline you read as a stone cold truth. But also, be vigilant in your own life when it comes to the safety of yourself and your loved ones.

Honestly, I feel like everything I’m saying here, should be common sense. But when my social media and news feeds are full of 95 percent negativity, I thought that I’d have to put something positive out there.

People keep talking about flattening the curve, well… we also need to flatten the fear, paranoia and negativity. We need to be rational, logical and willing to build the world up instead of tearing it down.

Lets treat this threat as a reminder that we need to look beyond petty differences and actually see the good in other people, regardless of politics, religion or whatever other bullshit that divides us.

Human beings have been wired to seek out conflict; it’s in our nature. But we can also evolve beyond that and try to be something better. It’s on us whether or not we destroy ourselves or reach a higher purpose.

I don’t want to lose faith in humanity, as I see good, kind acts every day. So maybe it’s time that we all start making a real effort to push the needle in the other direction.

Retro Relapse: 50 Things You Shouldn’t Have In Your House Because You’re a Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

A man is what most males should evolve into, as they grow and experience life and get out there and learn how to be self-sufficient, self-reliant people and masters of their own domain.

I’ve written on the topic quite extensively and different people have a lot of different ideas on what a man is. I’m not going to argue or debate that here. I’m just going to list some things that you probably shouldn’t have in your domicile if you are a full grown badass grizzly motherfucker.

Plus, this list will help you get laid more.

So what should you not have in your house? Well, this is a start.

1. Clutter, filth, dirt, grime and shit everywhere. Clean up after yourself.
2. Tin foil, posters or something other than curtains or blinds covering your windows.
3. Nothing in the pantry other than ramen and hot sauce.
4. Sheets covered in Rugrats characters.
5. Video game chairs, inflatable furniture or beanbags.
6. A proud collection of empty liquor bottles or beer boxes.
7. Anything Pokémon.
8. Christmas lights as year-round mood lighting.
9. Bongs all over the place.
10. A pile of dirty dishes that are growing new lifeforms.
11. Blacklight posters.
12. Shelves built from materials stolen from a construction site.
13. A toilet with a messed up flush pump. It is literally the easiest thing to replace in your house. And dirt cheap.
14. Stacks of magazines that haven’t been touched in years.
15. Posters or art that doesn’t have any sort of unifying theme. And posters that aren’t framed. A cheap decent frame is a few bucks at Wal-Mart.
16. Bunk beds. Seriously, I have a 32 year-old friend who has a bunk bed.
17. Duct taped furniture.
18. An overflowing garbage can.
19. CD towers. What year is this?
20. Cords strung throughout the house.
21. Stolen street signs.
22. A comforter on the floor or an inflatable mattress as a bed.
23. A shrine to an athlete or to anyone, really. Unless it is Stan Mikita.
24. Comic books or sports cards not in protective sleeves and properly stored.
25. Strobe lights on all the time.
26. Outdoor mats or rugs as bath mats or area rugs.
27. Weapons on display that would break if you were to actually use them as weapons.
28. Pot leaf decor.
29. Trophies you won in middle school.
30. A bread box full of mail or magazines.
31. Shower curtains covered in Pixar characters.
32. Any merchandise with Che on it. Che didn’t like capitalism, right?
33. Half finished projects you have no intention of completing that take up half the room in your house.
34. DJ equipment on display in the corner, covered in three years of dust.
35. Recycling to-go containers as dinner plates.
36. A futon as your primary bed.
37. Lava lamps or anything comparable.
38. A pog collection.
39. A half used box of condoms on display.
40. Empty vases or ones filled with dead plant life.
41. Neon signs for shitty beer.
42. Porn magazines or DVDs out in the open in the common areas of the house.
43. Tofu or other soy products.
44. A library full of unopened books. We all know you aren’t an intellectual.
45. Swimsuit or porn calendars on the wall.
46. A Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, Easy Bake Oven or other child appliance on display.
47. Scented candles unless they smell like smoked moose carcass in a burning forest.
48. Sports jerseys displayed on the wall with a hanger.
49. An elliptical covered in clothes.
50. A wall of action figures still in their packages. Play with them shits!

Retro Relapse: Psycho Snooping Bitches

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Psycho snooping bitches are in abundance these days. I use the word “bitches” because I’m trying to be moderately polite and not use the more appropriate descriptive term “cunts”. Now there are more sane and trusting women out there but the number of distrustful psychos within their population is growing.

I’ve come across a few of these women in my days and none of the experiences were worth the headache and usually they came compounded with drama, bullshit and after the fact, they couldn’t get the hint and just fade away from my life. There are a lot of other negative character traits that come with these types of women and they are damned near impossible to bottle up. The quickest and easiest advice I can give is to ditch the psycho bitch. Living under fascism, even if a vagina is attached to it, is not living at all.

But let me delve into this shit a bit further.

There is something seriously wrong with a female that has the natural urge and feels she has the right to sneak behind you and check your emails, your social networking profiles and your text messages. Chances are that this girl sniffs your dirty underwear when you’re in the shower in an effort to find some minute scent that may allude to your infidelity. She sniffs all your clothes, goes through your pockets, probably finds nothing but is still a bitch when you get out of the shower because as far as she is concerned, she just hasn’t found the smoking gun yet.

This girl is also probably the type to watch every god-awful shit reality show featuring glamorous non-celebrities who fuck everything in sight and cheat on a different partner each episode, cycling through the entire cast. She can’t decipher what reality actually is and believes such entertainment to be a primer on life. In fact, if you hook up with a girl who obsesses over this bullshit, get the fuck out immediately. If her mind isn’t diseased yet, it will be.

Chances are that she doesn’t watch a lot of that shit but she is just unable to trust anyone because the love of her life ten years ago (i.e. the first dude she fucked in high school) banged her best friend at some drunken house party. She also probably suffers from the “all men are pigs” and the “all men are the same” mental disorder. Fellas, it is not your job to try and prove her wrong or to fix her. She has to fix herself. Again, just walk away.

A lot of these girls also go from relationship to relationship and can’t understand why they can’t find happiness and why decent guys won’t stick around. Those who usually do stick around longer are the type of dudes who are just as distrusting as her. A couple like that is impossible to be around in a social sense and I’ve known many couples like this and have had to walk away as a friend.

You see, in a relationship, trust is not just important, it is pretty fucking vital. If you can’t trust anyone, you need to get some professional help. Reason being, without trust, you will never be able to be happy. You will always be looking in every nook and cranny trying to find something to prove that your unfounded suspicions are true. In fact, you probably make up evidence in your own head or turn every little innocent thing into some bullshit scenario. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship like this? How can you live your life assuming that everyone is going to be a piece of shit that will fuck you over?

With a lot of these people, not just the girls now, some of this distrust probably stems from the fact that they themselves are shady and shitty people. This is another reason why you should get the fuck out and move on. Often times when people see faults in others, especially when there is no evidence of their existence, it is usually because they are projecting their own faults onto their partner. Intellectually, a lot of adults in this modern world are small children.

There is a decent amount of bullshit that I will accept (to a point) in a relationship, if I do actually care about the person. This however, is one of those things I have no tolerance for, especially knowing that I have never cheated on someone and wouldn’t. I have respect for those I am seeing and to those who want to rebut with “never say never”, you can fuck off. I’m an adult and in control of my own faculties. That is what being an adult is.

Luckily, while these females exist, they aren’t the majority.

Retro Relapse: Loose Lips Sink Relationships

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

These days, it seems that there are too many children in grown-up bodies. In fact, almost everyone I encounter except for a very small minority are these types of people. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of it from time to time but when it comes to respect for someone else, especially someone I care about or at least once cared about, I maintain that respect and a level of maturity with how I handle the situation.

When it comes to a large number of women I know, they don’t seem to understand the level of respect that they should maintain for other people, especially their own man.

Often times, some of my female friends feel the need to trash talk their man to me or to other friends of ours. I hear about how their man no longer has passion in bed, is a full-grown man child, doesn’t work enough, works too much, is too hung up on his mother, is too close to some random ex-girlfriend, is too irresponsible for his age, has a drinking problem, doesn’t pay enough attention to her, is bad with money, has no plan for the future, etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera.

I’m not saying that men don’t talk smack to their friends about their girlfriends at the peak of a drunken rampage but it is much rarer, in my experience, and it takes a hell of a lot more for a man to share shit like that than a woman. Plus, most men aren’t fixated on a bunch of trivial bullshit. Usually when a guy drops some shit like this, it is something pretty serious and he’s been holding on to it for a long time. Now if a male is as gossipy and talks shit about his significant other to the level of the woman described in the preceding paragraph, avoid him. In fact, I can’t fathom how he ever got out of the proverbial “friend zone” with a woman.

Maybe I am a nice guy, maybe I come off as trusting and maybe these women feel like they can confide in me. They can actually, because unlike them, I’m not going to broadcast their bullshit to everyone within earshot. I respect people. The thing is, my awesomeness doesn’t really factor in here, as these women will say these things to anyone sitting next to them, whether it is a close confidant or a complete stranger at the bar.

How would these women feel if roles were reversed? What if their man told every one of his friends and complete strangers in his travels that his woman was shit in bed, immature, irresponsible, a drunk, unable to handle money or any other negative trait? I can’t think of many, if any, women that would accept that. And frankly, the men shouldn’t accept their women doing the same thing to them. In the end, where’s the respect? People like this don’t deserve to be in a relationship because they aren’t mature enough to handle adult situations and to understand what respect is.

In a relationship, you are on a team. If you harbor any of these negative feelings to the point of feeling the need to broadcast them to the world and not to your significant other, you’ve got a serious problem. You should really reflect on why you have these feelings and what to do about it before just blurting out every character flaw that your boyfriend has. Then again, people are so quick to look for faults, which I talked about in The Failure of Modern Relationships. If you are quick to find faults, you’ve got a problem with yourself and not your significant other. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect but I don’t need to rehash what I already wrote in the relationships post I just mentioned.

Usually these gossipy girls are on the hunt for “a good man”. They can’t ever seem to find one, even though there are probably several within their social circle or in front of them on a daily basis. Being that I am a good man, I feel like I need to chime in here.

If I have a female friend that exhibits the behavior that I’ve been talking about here (i.e. she constantly talks shit about any and every guy she has been involved with), I want nothing to do with her from a romantic standpoint. Guys pick up on this game and if a girl has the penchant for talking shit about boyfriends and guys she dates, we want no part of her. We don’t want our perceived idiosyncrasies and imperfections broadcast to the world through that woman’s bullhorn.

The big problem for these girls, is that they stick out like a sore thumb because they can’t help themselves. It seems like gossiping about their lover is their nature and they don’t even seem to question it and why it is a horrible thing to do to someone you’re supposed to care about and how it paints you to be a complete fucking bitch drunk on your own self-importance.

Out of respect for a lot of the guys who are victimized by this, even if I don’t know them, I tell these women to stop talking about it. If I was that guy, I wouldn’t want my asshole girlfriend to be trash talking me publicly. And this goes both ways, as no woman should ever stand for it if her man does this to her.

Keep your arguments behind closed doors. The only time you should bring this stuff up, is if there is a real problem or some sort of actual physical or mental abuse going on. Then again, in that situation, you need to leave.

I don’t know, it just seems to me that many adults can’t handle adult relationships anymore and are still embracing high school drama and bullshit well into their thirties. It’s no wonder why marriages never last and more and more people find themselves single, divorced or disgruntled. Like with everything in love and life, change has to start with you.

Retro Relapse: Man Up, the Right Way

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

*This is somewhat of a continuation of some of the stuff I have already discussed, albeit not at the length I would’ve liked to within posts regarding broader issues.

There’s an old adage that says “If you want to feel like a man, act like a man!” Okay, it isn’t really an old adage but it is something I have said from time to time. Point being, if you are having trouble traversing through an emasculated existence and feel the absolute need to embrace your masculinity, just fucking embrace it.

To do this, even if it seems difficult, you must start acting like a man. It may be hard because you have never done this but you have to do it. The alternative is accepting your existence as less than you wish to be. You will never be happy just accepting your fate as it is. Change is uncomfortable but that’s the fucking point. Would you rather deal with discomfort and eventually man the fuck up or would you rather continue on as a depressed shill unable to look himself in the mirror?

This post isn’t really a “how to” on being a man, it is more of a “how not to”. Reason being, I see so many guys trying to embrace manliness and they’re so far gone that they just fuck it up and look even worse. Some call it an early midlife crisis, I call it sucking at manliness.

You know the guys I am talking about. Usually they are in their late 20s to early 40s and drive around on a shitty motorcycle usually decked out in motorcycle clothes that looks childish or ill fitting. While driving their motorcycle, they just look uncomfortable and awkward and usually do ten miles under the speed limit in the left lane. Some of these guys may even go out and buy a mediocre “fast” car that they can’t really afford. Some buy a boat but have never driven one and didn’t take into account the price of a trailer or a truck to haul the thing. Others start randomly getting tattoos even though they never expressed interest in it before. Usually these tattoos are picked off of pictures on the parlor wall and have absolutely no meaning to the man whatsoever. An ornate dragon wrapped around their ankle is a clear sign of one of these dudes. A man with a tramp stamp is a totally different conversation.

The point being, none of this bullshit makes you a man. Yes, I’ve talked about what makes you a man and this doesn’t cut it. In fact, this just makes you look like a dorkdick retard.

Now I am not going to rehash what a man is, as I did it in Misconceptions of Manliness. But in a nutshell, it is none of this material bullshit and trying too hard to be something you’re not. It is about enhancing who you are. Now applying that to what I said about “act like a man” means that you should take on some manly skills and activities. Learn some carpentry, play the harmonica, work out more, go hiking, go camping, play baseball and most importantly, stop giving a fuck about what people think.

That last point is the most important. The reason guys embrace the bullshit when compensating for what feels like a lack of manliness, is because motorcycles, cars and tattoos are just some of the things that society projects as manliness and badass.

Fuck all that noise.

Stop giving a shit about what everyone else projects onto you and just do what makes you feel badass. Because really, does wearing some dumb leather outfit while you scoot slowly like some down syndrome turtle on a motorcycle in the fast lane make you feel badass? You’re faking the funk, you’ll never be satisfied and you will always still feel like you are lacking something. And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with motorcycles, fast cars and tattoos but if they truly are your thing, embrace the fuck out of it and push it to the limit. Don’t just half ass the shit like an awkward pussy unsure of yourself.

Men need to feel badass from time to time, that isn’t a secret. It is good for their confidence. Just find your natural thing because your unnatural fix isn’t going to build your confidence, it’ll just magnify your insecurities. Try out some new shit. Do something uncommon and challenging. Besides, embracing new experiences and challenges is a pretty manly thing to do. That’s how you build some goddamned confidence.

When I’ve been faced with shit lately, where I feel like I need some other dude to come to my house and fix this thing or that thing, I now do the best I can to try and understand the problem and find a solution myself. If I am able to fix the problem on my own, it feels pretty fucking good because I learned something new, I challenged myself and I succeeded.

In my experience, that does more to boost up my manly ego than buying some five year-old midlevel BMW or a used Suzuki Hayabusa. It sure as shit feels better than branding myself for life with some barbwire-wrapped Chinese character that translates to “respect”.

Just find your thing, stop embracing other people’s thing and rock it the fuck out.

Retro Relapse: Men Or Women: Who’s To Blame?

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

There seems to be a lot of finger pointing these days. It exists on several levels in modern society. People seem to like to lump themselves into groups and have to have an enemy in some other group that they can blame for all their troubles. Most people these days seem to lack responsibility for their own actions and decisions. Pointing the finger and blaming someone else is the easier route to take. Frankly, I’m fucking over it. I’m not talking about Israelis and Palestinians here, I’m talking about men and women.

There are two extreme schools of thought on both ends of the gender spectrum. There are hardcore feminists that see all men as pigs and oppressors that have held them back with an iron fist for millennia. There are also hardcore chest-pounding anti-women males who blame feminism for all their woes and the creation of a culture that pimps equality to the point of mass emasculation. Granted, I can see some of the points of both groups and understand what they feel is their plight but their excessive paranoia is dangerous.

How is it dangerous?

Well, for starters, hating the other side of the equation isn’t going to get you anywhere positive. Going to war brings about death and destruction and painting everyone not like you as the enemy is ultimately going to lead to your own downfall. Besides, creating a gender war is stupid because without one another, we can’t create more of either. It takes men and women to make babies and whether either side wants to believe this, each gender comes with its own strengths to compliment the other. The real solution to the problems that people perceive here, is not further division.

But how does one talk to a woman that’s like “I don’t need no man!” or a man that’s like “Fuck women, I don’t need their bullshit!”? The point is, you can’t. If someone is that far gone and that anti the opposite sex, let them be miserable. If they don’t soon see the error of their ways and they continue down their shortsighted path, they’ll stay miserable and ultimately, never achieve what they want because what they want is asinine and pointless.

And most of this “hating the other gender” shtick isn’t due to being oppressed or feeling that one’s gender is no longer in equal standing, at least not nowadays. Today, people who hate the opposite gender seem to have severe issues in the realm of love and relationships. What I mean is that they are usually bad at them or they just don’t have any luck at courting the opposite sex. Becoming frustrated and lonely often times leads the weak-minded looking to blame someone other than themselves. In this case, they blame the opposite sex. If men or women aren’t into them, then it must be because they all suck. These people usually fill the void by surrounding themselves with other like-minded, disgruntled and undersexed people who also need someone else to blame.

It is time to grow up and look in the fucking mirror because this bullshit is getting old and stale.

Yes, I often times point at how men are less manly than previous generations. Yes, I have talked about how many men of the last few generations have been raised by single mothers, some of them feminists and that the men are more girly, “metro” and grow up harboring crippling levels of male guilt. However, I blame a lot of this on the deadbeat dads who made kids, wandered off or just became shitheads. I also blame the 60’s sexual revolution (not in  a bad way) for changing the dynamic of relationships and creating a much more sexual society. Sure, feminists can take the blame too but the point is, not one thing is solely responsible. Furthermore, this doesn’t mean that in my own life, I don’t take responsibility for my actions, my decisions and how I respond to the things I just mentioned. Answering one extreme with another extreme is trivial and foolish.

People need to move forward but I guess that’s hard to do when people always seem to need an enemy. Tribalism has evolved into a division amongst genders. We should all be smarter than this. In fact, no matter what extreme someone is at, they sound like simple motherfuckers when they speak. It is baffling to me that so many people are so quick to eat up the bullshit and mold their lives around it.

I just don’t see a mass war on women or a mass war on men except led by a few small groups who are insignificant to the rest of society. Sure, some people in politics may espouse this rhetoric but overreacting to it is shortsighted and futile.

Lead by example and that starts with you. Carry yourself in the right way and it will probably rub off on others. Also, work on your skills at wooing the opposite sex. We’re all individuals living in a largely populated world, I get that generalizing and grouping people together is way too easy but don’t forget that we all have our own unique fingerprint.

Retro Relapse: Couples On Facebook

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Side note: I’m really, really drunk.

There are few things in life more annoying than some types of couples on Facebook. In fact, Facebook is annoying enough on its own and I often times question myself for still having a profile. If it wasn’t my only real point of contact with some people, I’d have moved on a long time ago.

Additional side note/update: I actually moved on in 2016.

Some people however, think that Facebook is a tool to put their entire lives out there. They see it as a way to make their lives completely transparent to the public and to build up their ideal persona all in an attempt to paint themselves as an interesting being who others should worship and admire like some sort of mega fun life guru. When two of these people get together in a relationship, the insanity and annoyance factor magnifies a hundred fold.

I’m going to talk about two types of couples here and be forewarned, if you are on my personal friends list and fit the bill, I probably blocked you from my news feed awhile ago, which is why you don’t see me liking and commenting on your posts anymore. Sorry, I just can’t take you and your sweetie’s bullshit shenanigans. Chances are, my level of respect for you is also non-existent at this point.

The first type of couple are the ones who feel it is their obligation to shove their lovey dovey bullshit down all their friends’ throats. You know the type. They have threads of comments in a post telling each other how much they love one another, more or less competing over who loves who the mostestest times quadruple infinity. They are social media’s version of the couple who displays way too much PDA. These are the assholes who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. Some of them even have matching shirts, which the girl most likely picked out.

These relationships are a clear sign of a selfish bitch dominating her emasculated lapdog of an emo boy toy. If these people are over 14 years-old, they are horrible human beings not worthy of even having friends. They need serious psychological help and it is only a matter of time before the female kills and eats the head of the male like some ravenous preying mantis with adorable tits.

Any male who voluntarily subjects themselves to this kind of sick insanity, deserves to not have his balls. You are practically a teenage girl with a penis. Nut the fuck up, man the fuck up and get your shit straight because you are on a slippery slope of shit that is going to lead to a string of horrible females that rule your life. You are basically a child with a self-centered mother figure that dresses you and wipes your ass. And you don’t want to bang your mom, right?

Another type is those couples who have joint Facebook accounts. That right there is a clear sign of a couple that truly trusts each other. Usually it is the chick running the profile though. Often times, once a dude gets in a relationship, he deactivates his profile because he doesn’t need it to scope out the available pussy anymore. The overly attached girlfriend or wife then throws his name onto her account, just in case he wants to check out Facebook once in awhile.

Really, I think this is employed to have one point of contact. This way she can monitor what girls send him. It’s a motherfucking trap! But bitches want to make sure they’re man is in union with them. They are a couple with a hive mind! Why? Because when you’re a couple, apparently you are no longer an individual.

As a friend of people who have couples accounts, I fucking hate talking to them. I never know who the fuck I’m talking to and it’s just annoying because there is some shit I would say to my guy friends that I wouldn’t necessarily say in front of their significant other, especially an insecure control freak chick that would make her cutiepie share accounts with her. Not knowing who I am talking to is a deterrent for me to talk to anyone. Good luck with your trusting relationship, I’ll go hang out with the adults and shit.

And please, stop taking couples selfies! Your whole wall is a billboard for something that looks like a goddamned two-headed monster making duck faces. It’s not cute, it’s gross.

If you are a guy that has a joint couples account, I bet there is a 99 percent chance that it wasn’t your idea. I can also pretty easily assume that you’re not allowed to talk to exes and that you have had more pink added to your wardrobe.

If I offended you because you exist in a world where this is okay, I am fine with that. In fact, I’m pretty satisfied. It is time to stop being annoying assholes and just be normal people. If the guy doesn’t have the time or interest for Facebook, leave it alone. He doesn’t need his name squished next to yours like some fucked up font orgy.