Film Review: The Ice Pirates (1984)

Release Date: March 16th, 1984
Directed by: Stewart Raffill
Written by: Stewart Raffill, Stanford Sherman
Music by: Bruce Broughton
Cast: Robert Urich, Mary Crosby, Michael D. Roberts, Anjelica Huston, Ron Perlman, Bruce Vilanch, John Carradine, John Matuszak, Carmen Filpi

JF Productions, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 91 Minutes

Review:

“I’m afraid I have some bad news… well maybe its not that bad. The princess is pregnant.” – Wendon

I have weird memories of The Ice Pirates. I remember it being on TV a lot when I was a kid and I watched it all the time. But I didn’t have a nostalgic fondness for it like I do similar pictures. Watching it now, I did enjoy it but it just doesn’t connect for me in the right way.

It’s lighthearted, fun and amusing. You like just about all of the characters and it’s highly energetic. There’s not much of anything to dislike but even for all of its positives, it does fall kind of flat for me.

I guess my biggest gripe is that the pacing is really odd and sometimes you are just pulled along for the ride and it isn’t even all that clear as to what’s happening on screen. There is a disjointedness to the film that makes it hard to follow if you’re actually trying to take it somewhat seriously.

While the big conclusion that deals with rapid aging and time travel shenanigans is a neat sequence, it feels sloppily done and it feels like the gag is more important than the climax of the film itself.

Honestly, The Ice Pirates plays like a string of sketch comedy scenes, following a sci-fi theme with just a small plot thread holding them together in any sort of cohesive way.

I do like the performances though, everyone looked to be enjoying the production and because of that, it makes the movie more exciting. Plus, I’ll watch Bruce Vilanch in anything.

But, in the end, I have a hard time considering this to be a classic, as many would suggest.

Rating: 5.75/10
Pairs well with: Battle Beyond the Stars, The Black Hole, Spacehunter: Adventures In the Forbidden Zone, Space Raiders and Cherry 2000.

Film Review: Killdozer! (1974)

Release Date: February 2nd, 1974 (TV)
Directed by: Jerry London
Written by: Ed MacKillop, Theodore Sturgeon
Music by: Gil Melle
Cast: Clint Walker, James Wainwright, Carl Betz, Neville Brand, James A. Watson Jr., Robert Urich

Universal Television, ABC, 74 Minutes

Review:

“How do you go about killing a machine?” – Lloyd Kelly, “A machine? It’s too heavy to hang and it’s too big to put in the gas chamber.” – Dennis Holvig

I first learned about Killdozer! from seeing the Marvel Comics adaptation in a discount bin, back in the day. I bought it and later on, a friend of mine told me about the movie.

I never did see that movie until now and it’s actually streaming on YouTube for free, assuming it doesn’t get pulled down.

Anyway, this was a really short movie but I guess it was wedged into just a 90 minute TV time slot with commercial breaks.

The movie is exactly what you’d expect, a bulldozer comes to life and kills people. Nothing more, nothing less.

Killdozer! suffers, however, from just how cheap it was. Everything conveniently takes place on a tiny beach island where there are only six construction workers. The kills are all pretty weak, because this is a ’70s TV movie and there isn’t much action, except a killer bulldozer moving at a snail’s pace and a few old dudes running around going, “How do we kill the damn thing?!”

I guess the film is notable for having a very young Robert Urich in it. But really, he’s the first guy to feel the rage of the killer machine and it’s psychic alien meteor powers.

This wasn’t a terrible watch but there is nothing all that worthwhile here, either. I’m glad it was short because anything longer would have made this worse. Frankly, it could have been whittled down to 40 minutes and just been an episode in any random horror anthology TV series.

Also, the poster is really misleading, as the guy in it is shrunk down a lot. The “killdozer” is not that big. Not at all.

Rating: 5/10
Pairs well with: other killer vehicle movies: DuelChristine, The Car and Maximum Overdrive.