Film Review: If Looks Could Kill (1991)

Also known as: Teen Agent (UK, Denmark, Japanese English title)
Release Date: March 9th, 1991 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: William Dear
Written by: Darren Star, Fred Dekker
Music by: David Foster
Cast: Richard Grieco, Linda Hunt, Roger Rees, Robin Bartlett, Gabrielle Anwar, Roger Daltrey

Warner Bros., 88 Minutes

Review:

“I knew I should have taken Spanish.” – Michael Corben

I can understand why this film wasn’t a big hit in theaters but I never understood why it didn’t catch on once it came out on video. It’s one of those films that should’ve been a cult classic because it’s just a ton of fun and Richard Grieco was immensely talented, especially in this sort of production.

Sadly, this flopped hard and Richard Grieco didn’t become the superstar that many thought he was destined to become coming off of 21 Jump Street and his own spinoff series Booker. I liked both those shows, liked Grieco and was pretty stoked when this was coming out, as I also loved goofy teen comedies, loser rising to the occasion stories and spy flicks.

This seemed like a perfect formula for my twelve year-old self in 1991 and fuck it, it totally was! I loved it and copied the VHS tape that I rented. I’d then go on to watch it quite a bit but since then, it’s been lost to time and sort of just faded away and pretty quickly.

I found myself thinking about it, recently, so I looked to see if there was a DVD release and there was. When I looked some time ago, it hadn’t yet been released in that format. So I bought it and threw it in the DVD player the same day it arrived.

What I was most happy about was that this held up really well. I mean, it definitely feels like a product of its time but it wasn’t an awful movie that I simply liked because I was a twelve year-old idiot. The main reason is because Grieco has charisma, charm and he just comes across as cool, which is something lost in most modern films.

This is the epitome of mindless, fun escapism and it was a hell of a lot of fun escaping into it in 2020, a year that almost all of us would love to forget.

Beyond Grieco, I loved the women in this, especially Linda Hunt and Robin Bartlett. Both of them really got to ham it up and they appeared like they were having a real blast making this movie. Hell, Linda Hunt is an Academy Award winner and she still performed in this “low brow” comedy with gusto and real passion.

This also looked like it cost a pretty penny to make, as the special effects and stunts were top notch stuff, especially for the time. Now this wasn’t James Bond level but it obviously had a budget much higher than your typical teen comedy flick.

I also learned that this was written by Fred Dekker in the ’80s with the intention of it being a starring vehicle for Anthony Michael Hall, capitalizing off of his fame from multiple John Hughes movies. I’m sure that would’ve been a pretty awesome film too but I’m really happy with how this turned out, regardless.

It sucks that this wasn’t a big kickoff to Richard Grieco’s film career but he’s got nothing to be ashamed of, as this is a film I’ve loved for decades and was really happy revisiting nearly thirty years later.

Rating: 7.25/10
Pairs well with: other goofy teen movies from the late ’80s and early ’90s.

Film Review: The Demolitionist (1995)

Release Date: March 10th, 1995 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: Robert Kurtzman
Written by: Brian DiMuccio, Anne Kurtzman
Music by: Shawn Patterson
Cast: Nicole Eggert, Richard Grieco, Bruce Abbott, Heather Langenkamp, Susan Tyrrell, Peter Jason, Sarah Douglas, Tom Savini, Reggie Bannister, Joseph Pilato, Jack Nance, Derek Mears, Bruce Campbell (uncredited)

A-Pix Entertainment, Two Moon Releasing, 100 Minutes

Review:

“You’re under arrest for the murder of Alyssa Lloyd.” – Alyssa Lloyd/The Demolitionist

If you were to take Robocop and take all the really good stuff out of it, replace the actors with mostly incapable ones, bastardize the plot and make the hero look like Jamie Powell from Charles In Charge, then you would have The Demolitionist. But hey, special effects maestro Tom Savini acts in this!

This movie is terrible with a capital TERRIBLE. It’s mid ’90s sci-fi/action schlock for the straight to VHS market. Granted, even though I lived in video stores throughout my youth, I never rented this. The first time I saw it was in the early ’00s when I was a third shift security guard at a high rise condominium on the beach and this popped up on TBS or TNT at three in the morning. I actually didn’t get to see it with full violence and boobies until I just watched it the other night.

Why did I decide to watch this again? Well, it’s been like fifteen years and even though I knew it was bad, I’m a sucker for terrible motion pictures. So, being a sucker for cinematic shit, reliving this experience was not a disappointment.

First, this film has Richard Grieco in it as the sadistic villain. Grieco was decent on the original 21 Jump Street and his own spinoff of that show, Booker. He also starred in a terrible but fun movie, If Looks Could Kill, which saw him play a high school student mistaken for a James Bond type of spy. Other than that, his acting work has been abysmal and this is no different. Well, it could actually be the big glorious cherry on top of his sundae of shitty performances.

Nicole Eggert of Charles In Charge and Baywatch fame stars as the hero. She’s basically Robocop but a hotter version with a normal head and a body that also doesn’t really look altered. Granted, she’s basically a zombie and needs some special injections to prevent her from rotting away. Sadly, we don’t actually get to see Robozombie eating douchebag brains.

Eggert and Grieco were just atrocious in this. It’s really bad, man. Their acting is actually worse than I remembered. I can’t say that it is wholly their fault though, as this entire production is horrendous. Weirdly, it is directed by Robert Kurtzman, who is actually really respected as a monster movie makeup artist. However, his work in the director’s chair leaves a lot to be desired.

Nothing about this movie is good, other than I have a soft spot for Eggert because I used to crush on her hard when I was a young lad in the late ’80s and early ’90s.

You may be wondering if this cyber turd should be run through the trusty Cinespiria Shitometer? Of course it does! The Shitometer can eat and analyze the toughest turds! Even cyber turds! The results read, “Type 4 Stool: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.”

Rating: 2.5/10
Pairs well with: Robocop and other clones of its story but this is no friggin’ Robocop.