Release Date: 1992 (Italy) Directed by: Duncan McLachlan Written by: Steven Paul, Stuart Paul, Andrea Buck, Duncan McLachlan Music by: Misha Segal Cast: Corey Haim, Nicole Eggert, John Rhys-Davies, Brigitte Nielsen, Wallace Shawn, Karen Black, Seth Green
Crystal Sky Worldwide, Prism Entertainment Corporation, 95 Minutes
While I liked Corey Haim when I was a kid, he did make a fuck ton of dreck, as time went on. This is, hands down, one of his worst films that I’ve ever seen.
What’s surprising about it, though, is that this is loaded with a good amount of known actors, all of whom I like. But none of them were really able to carry this movie and salvage the abysmally bad script.
Alongside Haim, there’s Nicole Eggert, who I was crushing on in the late ’80s/early ’90s, as well as John Rhys-Davies, Wallace Shawn, Brigitte Nielsen, Karen Black and Seth Green.
The story is about a really smart kid that dreams of being a spy. However, he basically plays the stoner trope without actually being a stoner because I guess this was made to be somewhat family friendly for the straight-to-video market.
It’s just terribly boring, terribly unfunny and is full of so many baffling, weird bits that you have to suspend disbelief to the point of breaking your brain or your television.
There’s some strange video game/virtual reality/simulator subplot that makes no fucking sense if you understand how those things work.
If this ever pops up as a suggestion on a streaming service, my only advice is to run… very fast.
Release Date: March 10th, 1995 (Los Angeles premiere) Directed by: Robert Kurtzman Written by: Brian DiMuccio, Anne Kurtzman Music by: Shawn Patterson Cast: Nicole Eggert, Richard Grieco, Bruce Abbott, Heather Langenkamp, Susan Tyrrell, Peter Jason, Sarah Douglas, Tom Savini, Reggie Bannister, Joseph Pilato, Jack Nance, Derek Mears, Bruce Campbell (uncredited)
A-Pix Entertainment, Two Moon Releasing, 100 Minutes
“You’re under arrest for the murder of Alyssa Lloyd.” – Alyssa Lloyd/The Demolitionist
If you were to take Robocop and take all the really good stuff out of it, replace the actors with mostly incapable ones, bastardize the plot and make the hero look like Jamie Powell from Charles In Charge, then you would have The Demolitionist. But hey, special effects maestro Tom Savini acts in this!
This movie is terrible with a capital TERRIBLE. It’s mid ’90s sci-fi/action schlock for the straight to VHS market. Granted, even though I lived in video stores throughout my youth, I never rented this. The first time I saw it was in the early ’00s when I was a third shift security guard at a high rise condominium on the beach and this popped up on TBS or TNT at three in the morning. I actually didn’t get to see it with full violence and boobies until I just watched it the other night.
Why did I decide to watch this again? Well, it’s been like fifteen years and even though I knew it was bad, I’m a sucker for terrible motion pictures. So, being a sucker for cinematic shit, reliving this experience was not a disappointment.
First, this film has Richard Grieco in it as the sadistic villain. Grieco was decent on the original 21 Jump Street and his own spinoff of that show, Booker. He also starred in a terrible but fun movie, If Looks Could Kill, which saw him play a high school student mistaken for a James Bond type of spy. Other than that, his acting work has been abysmal and this is no different. Well, it could actually be the big glorious cherry on top of his sundae of shitty performances.
Nicole Eggert of Charles In Charge and Baywatch fame stars as the hero. She’s basically Robocop but a hotter version with a normal head and a body that also doesn’t really look altered. Granted, she’s basically a zombie and needs some special injections to prevent her from rotting away. Sadly, we don’t actually get to see Robozombie eating douchebag brains.
Eggert and Grieco were just atrocious in this. It’s really bad, man. Their acting is actually worse than I remembered. I can’t say that it is wholly their fault though, as this entire production is horrendous. Weirdly, it is directed by Robert Kurtzman, who is actually really respected as a monster movie makeup artist. However, his work in the director’s chair leaves a lot to be desired.
Nothing about this movie is good, other than I have a soft spot for Eggert because I used to crush on her hard when I was a young lad in the late ’80s and early ’90s.
You may be wondering if this cyber turd should be run through the trusty Cinespiria Shitometer? Of course it does! The Shitometer can eat and analyze the toughest turds! Even cyber turds! The results read, “Type 4 Stool: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.”
Rating: 2.5/10 Pairs well with:Robocop and other clones of its story but this is no friggin’ Robocop.