The Pro Bowl Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2016.

I don’t write enough articles in my “bullshit” series, I know. But here is a new one! Because I have to talk about the biggest bullshit in sports, the Pro Bowl.

I love the Pro Bowl like a germaphobic neat freak loves explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea from a naked hobo hiding in their kitchen pantry.

From what I hear, the popular opinion agrees with me. Then again, this stupid fucking game still generates decent enough ratings so maybe I’m insane and everyone else is lying to me. I guess that’s what the comments section is for.

Anyway, I turned the Pro Bowl on late yesterday, as I was watching the superior NHL All-Star Game, which saw the all-star journey of John Scott come to a fitting and amazing conclusion. The NHL also gave us a fast-paced 3-on-3 tournament with teams broken down by division. The NHL got away from that shitty fantasy draft bullshit for their All-Star Game. The NFL still does that fantasy draft bullshit and it sucks giraffe cock.

So when I tuned in, the scorecard at the bottom didn’t read NFC and AFC, it read Rice and Irvin. What the fuck is that?!

Now I know that this format has been used before yesterday but I hate it. It is stupid as fuck. I really want to see the NFC duke it out with the AFC to determine which is the most talented conference in American football. When I watch the MLB All-Star Game, I want to see the AL against the NL, not Team Dunderfuck against Team Shitpickle. It’s supposed to be a braggin’ rights contest between leagues or conferences, not a real life version of DraftKingz with teams picked by old dudes, one of which is really unlikable.

Everyone knows how awful it is when your buddy talks about his fantasy team in a league you’re not even in. Well, that’s what this is, except it is on television and is backed by millions of dollars that could probably be used much better – like maybe, helping out overly concussed old men with their mountainous medical bills.

But again, people watch this bullshit. People even watched the two-hour long draft special on ESPN a few nights ago. Because I guess anything related to football is better than watching an actual game in any other sport. ‘Mericuh loves its football like it loves its reality television, Chipotle and obsessing over dickbag celebrities. Why’d I bring Chipotle into this? Because fuck Chipotle!

Back on topic!

The Pro Bowl is a waste of everyone’s time except the NFL’s bankers. Is it even really worth risking injury to a player when the conferences aren’t even fighting each other over who is better? What is the goddamned point, here?

I guess the MVP gets that cool trophy but is there just the one? Does he have to give it to the new MVP next year? Does he hand it back after the game? Does Michael Irvin hold on to it? Fuck Michael Irvin! Or maybe Roger Goddell takes it home and pretends it’s a large robot vagina?

But what’s the team get? I guess they get to keep their ugly as fuck Pro Bowl jerseys. But then the NFL probably takes those back and then auctions them off.

The National Football League has become a circus. The Pro Bowl is the NFL at its most circus-y, even more so than the Superbowl because at least that’s a game that means something.

I’d be more interested in a Pro Bowl that went back to the NFC vs. AFC format and was also held after the Superbowl, as it should be. And I like the Hawaii thing but maybe it isn’t working because I’ve heard livelier crowds at Blues Clues On Ice.

Maybe the game would be better with landmines, booby traps and pits full of alligators but then the prima donnas would complain about potential injury over a pointless game. Wait… that’s already an issue. So then yeah, we might as well embrace the booby traps.

Look, I don’t know how to fix the Pro Bowl, really. So maybe just kill the damned thing.

I was surprised I was actually able to get through twenty minutes of it last night before throwing on the Royal Rumble. Yeah, the Royal fucking Rumble… the start of WrestleMania season! Which gets overshadowed by a stupid game with no stakes and no point. And people call wrestling fake!

Ranking All 30 Second Series Episodes of ESPN’s 30 For 30

*Written in 2015.

Luckily for us, ESPN decided to do another set of thirty films to expand this series. Now that this series has also reached 30 films and we got the soccer spin-off series, I’m hoping we get a third generation.

But for now, here are the 30 films of the second series ranked. And to be honest, all of these are really good.

1. Survive and Advance
2. Of Miracles and Men
3. Requiem for the Big East
4. Ghosts of Ole Miss
5. No Más
6. I Hate Christian Laettner
7. Big Shot
8. Bad Boys
9. You Don’t Know Bo
10. Benji
11. Hawaiian: The Legend of Eddie Aikau
12. Brothers In Exile
13. The U Part 2
14. Bernie and Ernie
15. Free Spirits
16. Angry Sky
17. Rand University
18. This is What They Want
19. When the Garden was Eden
20. Sole Man
21. The Price of Gold
22. Brian and the Boz
23. The Day the Series Stopped
24. Slaying the Badger
25. Broke
26. 9.79*
27. There’s No Place Like Home
28. Playing for the Mob
29. Elway to Marino
30. Youngstown Boys

Ranking All 30 Original Episodes of ESPN’s 30 For 30

*Written in 2014.

1. The 16th Man
2. The Two Escobars
3. Muhammad and Larry
4. Little Big Men
5. Once Brothers
6. Straight Outta L.A.
7. Kings Ransom
8. Small Potatoes: Who Killed the USFL?
9. Silly Little Game
10. Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs. The New York Knicks
11. June 17, 1994
12. Guru of Go
13. The U
14. Four Days In October
15. Pony Excess
16. Without Bias
17. Fernando Nation
18. One Night In Vegas
19. The Band That Wouldn’t Die
20. No Crossover: The Trial of Allen Iverson
21. Marion Jones: Press Pause
22. Jordan Rides the Bus
23. The Best That Never Ways
24. The Birth of Big Air
25. Into the Wind
26. Unmatched
27. The Legend of Jimmy The Greek
28. Run Ricky Run
29. Tim Richmond: To the Limit
30. The House of Steinbrenner

Documentary Review: Four Falls of Buffalo (2015)

Release Date: December 12th, 2015
Directed by: Ken Rodgers
Music by: Phil Hernandez, Chris Maxwell, David Robidoux
Narrated by: William Fichtner

ESPN Films, 100 Minutes

Review:

*written in 2016.

Four Falls of Buffalo is one of the more recent ESPN 30 For 30 films. I watched it on Netflix in preparation for Super Bowl 50, yesterday.

The documentary follows the journey of the Buffalo Bills of the early ’90s and their four consecutive Super Bowl losses.

It was a cool film, as it brought me right back to that era – the era where I first really fell in love with football. It certainly churned up a lot of nostalgia and a lot of those feelings I had as a middle school aged kid watching Buffalo get so far, only to fall short again and again.

It was nice, all these years later, seeing all the players and coaches accepting what fate dished out to them. They all came across as positive people that took their historic run in stride and understood that they were still one of the greatest teams of all-time, even if the big title eluded them.

Four Falls of Buffalo is one of the best NFL 30 For 30 films. It is exciting and it is pretty thorough in chronicling the bumpy four-year journey of the great Bills team of the early ’90s.

Plus, it is hard not to love and respect Jim Kelly and Marv Levy.

Rating: 9/10
Pairs well with: Other 30 For 30 NFL films.