Video Game Review: Kung Fu (NES)

Kung Fu was one of the first Nintendo games that I owned. My cousin had the system about six months before I did but when I got mine later that year at Christmas, this was one of the games that “Santa” dropped off with it.

loved this fucking game and used to play it for hours, even though you can actually beat it in like ten minutes. I didn’t care about how repetitive it was and how basic as fuck the level design was, it was just a badass game with a badass dude throwing lightning fast kicks and unimpressive punches. Just use the kicks, man!

I also noticed, as a kid, that this was a lot like the plot to Bruce Lee’s Game of Death, where the hero has to fight through five levels of a pagoda, facing a tough boss on each level. I’m pretty sure this took its inspiration from that film’s general premise but it also adds in lots of baddies and unique bosses that weren’t trying to emulate the character from the Lee film.

For the time, the mechanics of this game were superb. While you can get overwhelmed by enemies if you aren’t precise, most mistakes are due to human error and not the game being a piece of shit.

There’s not a lot of strategy to this game. Just kick and don’t get hit. When you fight the bosses, sweeping the leg works for most of them. Just unload lightning fast leg sweeps and be done with them.

While this is one of the best side scrolling beat’em ups from the earliest days of the original Nintendo, it did get overshadowed by games like Double Dragon. 

Still, this is one smooth game that packs a punch and is still fun to blast through every now and again.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: other side scrolling beat’em action games for the original Nintendo.

Video Game Review: Spelunker (NES)

I never knew about Spelunker until I came across a video of it recently. Being that I love the hell out of 8-bit era action puzzle games, I wanted to play it.

However, this is far from the near masterpiece that is Solomon’s Key.

To start, the game has great level design and it looks fantastic. I was really excited when I fired this up.

However, my enthusiasm was completely wrecked by the terrible mechanics and controls. The in-game physics are wonky at best and it almost feels like this was deliberately designed to infuriate you from the get go.

Still, I tried to get passed the learning curve but the mechanics are just so shit that I eventually gave up.

So I didn’t play this through to completion or had to stop because I found myself at some impossible roadblock. I just got burnt out trying to make the character on the screen do what I wanted him to do.

In the end, this had the makings and level design to be something incredibly fun. Instead, it’s a really wonderful looking bag of dicks.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: other action puzzle games for the original Nintendo and earlier Atari systems.

Video Game Review: Die Hard (NES)

This game is really fun to play but it is also kind of infuriating, as it’s never really clear what the hell you’re supposed to be doing.

Sure, the game gives you clues about things you need or steps you need to take but it’s all really vague and you still have to figure it out with trial and error but the game also has a time of sorts working against you.

I didn’t beat the game because I couldn’t get passed a certain point and I couldn’t go to the floor I needed to go to because there were hostages.

So I aimlessly wandered around, after killing every terrorist, trying to pick up items and looks for ones I missed but it got me nowhere.

Could I have read a walkthrough or watched a video? Sure. But if I was playing this back when it came out, I wouldn’t have had that luxury.

So fuck this game. It was fun until it wasn’t.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: other bird’s-eye-view action games for the NES.

Video Game Review: Wolverine (NES)

I never played this game when it was released, as it came out after I moved on to 16-bit consoles. But it plays a lot like the NES Spider-Man game.

It’s a simple, side-scrolling platformer full of action and some of Marvel Comics’ most iconic X-Men related characters.

The game is fairly weak though, due to only having a handful of rather short levels. Additionally, the levels are pretty basic and not well designed.

Wolverine could’ve been better with more complex design and not just longer levels but more levels.

Also, you only get to fight two iconic villains. In this game you face Magneto and then the final boss, Sabretooth. Honestly, that feels like it’s backwards, regardless of Sabretooth being Wolverine’s biggest rival. Magneto is a much stronger threat with a real trump card when it comes to dealing with Wolverine and that’s his magnetic powers versus Wolverine’s metal skeleton.

Anyway, this was still enjoyable enough not to hate. I’d call it basic bitch shit and uninspiring but for a game based on a licensed property, it’s still better than most and infinitely better than the NES X-Men game that came out a few years earlier.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: other side scrolling comic book games of the 8-bit era.

Video Game Review: Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six (NES)

While not all licensed property video games are created equal, most in the 8-bit era were terrible. While this isn’t as good as DuckTales or the ’89 Batman game, it is actually better than most games like it. It certainly blows that Nintendo X-Men game out of the water! It’s also a lot less frustrating than the Silver Surfer game, which gave me an ulcer and a permanent lifelong migraine when I was eleven years-old.

This Spider-Man game is fairly okay but it pales in comparison to the 16-bit games like the first Genesis Spider-Man title and the much beloved Maximum Carnage.

Still, this brings together the Sinister Six and lets you fight through them all in an effort to stop their nefarious plan.

This version of the villain group consists of Doctor Octopus, Hobgoblin, The Vulture, The Sandman, Electro and Mysterio. All of them are regular Sinister Six members so I was pretty happy with the lineup, as we didn’t get stuck with some schmo like Carrion, Boomerang, Tarantula, Vermin or Shocker.

As far as design goes, the levels are pretty basic and a bit tedious to work through. Granted, the game certainly isn’t unbeatable and you can get through it with enough practice or if you’re just an 8-bit platform master.

The biggest thing working against you though, isn’t the level design and overabundance of enemies and projectiles, it’s the clunky, shitty mechanics. Spidey is a bitch to control and the physics are terrible.

When it comes to boss battles, most of them seem pretty hard the first time but once you figure out the enemy’s pattern, they aren’t too hard to beat. I actually thought the final boss, Doctor Octopus, was one of the easiest in the game.

Overall, this is both fun and frustrating. For those who grew up in this game’s era and who loved the Sinister Six story arcs in the comics, you’ll most likely enjoy this. Even if it overwhelms you about midway through, it’s not a hard game to adjust to and eventually conquer.

Rating: 6/10
Pairs well with: other side scrolling 8-bit era action games based on comic books characters.

Video Game Review: Batman: Return of the Joker (NES)

I never played this game and I guess I kind of missed out, as I probably would’ve really liked this, back in the day.

I was a fan of the first Sunsoft Batman game for the original Nintendo, as it came out and was tied to the 1989 Tim Burton movie.

I never realized that this one was a direct sequel to it and I guess that makes it exist in an alternate timeline than the cinematic universe of the same era. Granted, these games are very different than the ’89 movie in that they have a very sci-fi/cyberpunk aesthetic and deviate from the film’s story quite a bit.

So in this version of a sequel, the Joker has survived. They’ve also given him more of a comic book look, as opposed to using Jack Nicholson’s likeness. I’m assuming that was because the licensing fees to use his visage once again was too pricey and unnecessary in the grander scheme of things.

The game looks very similar to its predecessor; however, they’ve given Batman a larger sprite and stripped away the mechanics only to replace them with something worse. The weapons system may seem more advanced but it’s kind of confusing, tedious and annoying. Also, you can’t bounce off of walls and scale them like you could in the previous game.

This also adds in a few jetpack shooter stages that play more like a Gradius game than a normal Batman title. It’s kind of cool but I would’ve preferred having more standard levels with some good design. In fact, the levels in this game feel very small and are conquered too quickly.

Most of the bosses are just a big pain in the ass. Additionally, the first time you fight the Joker, he flies around in a pod like Dr. Robotnik from the Sonic games. It’s not cool and it’s pretty lame. The second time you fight the Joker, you basically fight a Joker-themed super computer. It’s also lame.

This game had some promise and I mostly enjoyed it but the improvements just ended up being disappointments. I would’ve rather just gotten a redesigned version of the first game with new levels and bosses.

Rating: 6.5/10
Pairs well with: the previous Sunsoft Batman game for the NES

Video Game Review: Tecmo World Wrestling (NES)

I’ve been trying to playthrough all the old school Nintendo wrestling games. That being said, Tecmo World Wrestling is the title that seems to be at the top of several other bloggers’ lists.

I never got to play this one for whatever reason but it was cool to finally check it out.

Overall, it’s definitely better than most of the NES wrestling titles but I still much prefer the simply titled Pro-Wrestling. Like that game, though, this one has some really cool original characters and it’s not a licensed game trying to bring WWF or WCW wrestlers to the classic console.

My biggest issue with the game is that it has the same problem as all the other games. There just doesn’t seem to be anyway to develop a strategy or a real skill set when playing this. It’s mostly a button masher and you have to hope that you get lucky. There are certain things you can try to do to get an advantage but there really isn’t a certain sweet spot in timing or wrestler placement on the screen to make any sort of strategy work all that well.

What I do like about the game is the ring size, the graphics and the action outside of the ring. It’s probably the closest game to Pro-Wrestling in its design and play style but it looks better overall.

I also like the added addition of the commentator box at the bottom but reading it is damn near impossible, as it just distracts from an already difficult game.

In the end, I didn’t hate the game and that’s a real feat for a professional wrestling title made for the original Nintendo.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: other NES wrestling games but this one is my favorite and the best I’ve played.

Video Game Review: Predator (NES)

After playing Rambo for the original Nintendo, I figured that I’d revisit that system’s Predator game as well.

While this is similar to Rambo in that it is a side-scrolling shooter and platformer based on an action franchise starring an action movie megastar of the ’80s, it doesn’t quite play as well as Rambo and it has some strange elements to it.

The strangest thing about this is that there are two game modes. I’m not really sure why they did this, other than trying to maybe blow kid’s minds with two modes but both are essentially side scrolling shoot’em up situations.

The only really difference is that the second mode makes the sprites bigger and more detailed but it also forces you to move as the screen scrolls on its own. The second mode Predator alien looks superb, especially for the 8-bit era, but it doesn’t save this mode from being annoying as hell and terrible to play through.

I much prefer the regular mode of the game, which is basically just a run and gun platformer with a multitude of baddies to blast and evade.

One problem with this game’s design, is that it looks like it is trying to emulate the aesthetic of the original Contra. However, it fails to have the great, smooth mechanics of that game and the graphics aren’t really up to snuff. Also, the level design is shit and pretty annoying.

Predator also features a weird final boss battle where you take on the gigantic, disembodied head of a Predator alien. This never happened in the movie but whatever.

This is actually better than I remembered it but even then, it is still a mostly bad game with a secondary mode that kills it.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: other action side scrollers of the 8-bit era, especially those based on action movies.

Video Game Review: Rambo (NES)

My memories of this game didn’t paint it in a favorable light. However, I was surprised to discover that I actually quite liked the game, playing it in 2020.

Now this is far from perfect, as the objective and where to go isn’t made too clear, but once you get some time in and get the hang of the game, it grows on you.

It has a very similar playing style to Zelda II in that it is a side scrolling action game where you get experience points by killing enemies. Now the leveling up advantages aren’t as clear as they are in Zelda II but this essentially follows the same concept with roughly the same size character sprites and game mechanics.

That being said, the mechanics aren’t as polished as Zelda II and sometimes it is difficult to duck and shoot or turn and shoot someone coming up behind you. Had these issues been fixed before this was released, this could have been a damn good game. Instead, we get something that’s fairly fun but also frustrating in a firefight with multiple enemies.

Also, the boss battles are all very weak and monotonous. The big helicopter fight isn’t something you can go into with a strategy, you just have to hope you have enough medicine bottles and get lucky enough to inflict enough damage while missiles rain on your head and multiple enemies appear to expose the terrible flaws in the game’s controls.

Still, I had fun playing through this and beating it. It’s far from being a classic but for an ’80s console video game based on a licensed property, it’s not half bad.

Rating: 6.75/10
Pairs well with: other action side scrollers of the 8-bit era.

Video Game Review: Fester’s Quest (NES)

What a terrible, horrible, insipid piece of donkey shit.

Back in the day, I was kind of excited when this came out. My cousin and I rented it and immediately had renter’s remorse. We were then stuck with it for the whole weekend and tried to make the best out of it but nothing in the game seemed clear and it was a confusing mess where we aimlessly walked around with one of the worst weapons in video game history. We got nowhere and we never rented the game again.

All these years later, I though that I’d try it again. Primarily because there are a lot of games I didn’t like or have the patience for in my youth that I have replayed now and found enjoyable.

This is not one of those games.

While I did figure some things out and did play this game through to completion, it was still tough to get through due to the terrible weapon, the terrible level design and overall repetitiveness of the whole game. Hell, even most of the bosses are pretty much the same with just a sprite change and a modified attack.

It actually boggles the mind how bad this game is. I can’t believe that it ever got released or wasn’t reworked at the design stage. But as I have said before, 8-bit video games of licensed properties don’t have good track records.

This might be the worst thing ever made that is associated with The Addams Family franchise.

Rating: 2/10
Pairs well with: punching yourself in the genitals, which you should not do.