Film Review: Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)

Also known as: Ator l’invincibile (original title), Ator the Invincible (informal English title)
Release Date: October 7th, 1982 (Italy)
Directed by: Joe D’Amato
Written by: Joe D’Amato, Michele Soavi
Music by: Carlo Maria Cordio
Cast: Miles O’Keefe, Sabrina Siani, Ritza Brown, Edmund Purdom

Filmarage, Metaxa Corporation, 98 Minutes

Review:

“I love you.” – Ator
“And I love you.” – Sunya
“Why can’t we marry?” – Ator
“Ator, we are brother and sister.” – Sunya
“I’ll talk with our father.” – Ator

I’ve only seen one other Ator movie, the second one, as it was featured on an old episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. That was released in the States as Cave Dwellers.

This one is the first picture in the film series and it was also featured on MST3K. In fact, it’s the sixth and final episode of the most recent season.

This is a bit better than Cave Dwellers but it is still a steaming pile of shit. It almost plays as parody but I don’t know if that’s intentional. I’d assume that it’s not and that it’s just a really horrible Italian ripoff movie, as the Italians have mastered horrible ripoff movies and unofficial sequels of just about everything. They have weird copyright laws over there.

Anyway, there isn’t a single thing in this film that really redeems it on any level. We’ve got a full checklist of terrible shit from the acting, the sets, the costumes, the direction, the cinematography, the lighting, the score, you name it.

The story isn’t very coherent and the script is friggin’ bizarre. That could be due to things being lost in translation during the English dubbing process but it probably still falls on the quality of the script.

This was tough to get through, damn boring and it just made me want to watch Conan the Barbarian or The Beastmaster.

Rating: 2/10
Pairs well with: other Ator movies and other Conan ripoffs.

Film Review: Killer Fish (1979)

Also known as: Naked Sun (Philippines), Deadly Treasure of the Piranha (Yugoslavia)
Release Date: June 30th, 1979 (Hong Kong)
Directed by: Antonio Margheriti
Written by: Michael Rogers
Music by: Guido De Angelis, Maurizio De Angelis
Cast: Lee Majors, Karen Black, Margaux Hemingway, Marisa Berenson, James Franciscus

Fawcett-Majors Productions, Victoria Productions, Filmar do Brasil, Paris Filmes, ITC Entertainment, 101 Minutes

Review:

“Are you sure there’s no German blood in you?” – Hans, “Hm-hm. I win my wars.” – Kate Neville

I have watched so many Jaws and Piranha ripoffs over the years that I’m surprised that I had never seen this one or heard of it. Also, the fact that this stars Lee Majors, Karen Black and one of the Hemingway sisters, makes my lack of knowledge about this film even stranger. But it was featured on the latest season of Mystery Science theater 3000, so I had to give it a watch. Plus, I love killer animal movies regardless of them taking place on the water, on land or in the air.

As is the case with most films like this, it’s a real stinker. It also lacks anything to redeem it. Even with a few people I like in the cast, they didn’t do much to help the picture and looked as if they were just collecting a paycheck and trying to rush through this.

It was produced by Lee Majors production company with his wife at the time, Farrah Fawcett. That being said, it’s surprising that he didn’t seem to care much about the quality of his own product.

While this does deal with killer piranhas, they never feel as threatening as the killer fish from Joe Dante’s Piranha, a year earlier. Additionally, the footage and effects of the piranha attacks are pretty shitty.

The one thing that makes this not a direct ripoff of Dante’s classic, is that this is also a heist film. Well, sort of. There isn’t much about the actual heist here, it is just used as a plot device to get the characters to try and turn on each other while trapped on a broken boat surrounded by man eating fishies.

This is far from great and barely entertaining. It’s the kind of bad that is really boring and not actually enjoyable for being terrible. It’s just a total dud. But it also isn’t so bad that I can completely trash it. It’s just well below mediocre, unexciting, uneventful and given no real life by the talent of its top stars.

Rating: 3.75/10
Pairs well with: other Jaws and Piranha ripoffs of the era.

Film Review: The Day Time Ended (1979)

Also known as: Time Warp, Vortex (working titles), Earth’s Final Fury (TV title), Explosión Galáctica (Spain), Black Thunder (Belgium)
Release Date: November, 1979 (Paris Festival of Fantastic Films)
Directed by: John Cardos
Written by: J. Larry Carroll, Steve Neill, Wayne Schmidt, David Schmoeller
Music by: Richard Band
Cast: Jim Davis, Dorothy Malone, Christopher Mitchum, Scott Kolden

Charles Band Productions, Compass International Pictures, 79 Minutes

Review:

“Maybe this was all meant to be. This is our new way of life.” – Grant Williams

The Day Time Ended was a low budget sci-fi film put out by Charles Band Productions. I’ve reviewed a few of their films before. They aren’t pictures that receive much acclaim. In fact, they usually receive disdain for their terribly crafted plots, bad acting and laughable special effects.

While this was featured on the most recent season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, it isn’t the first movie by Charles Band Productions that was featured on the show. MST3K also featured Laserblast and that episode went on to be one of their most popular.

Now I can’t call this film unimaginative. And really, other pictures from this studio do seem to have some originality and some creative ambition. Sadly, they’re just executed so poorly and in the case of this movie, it’s a gigantic clusterfuck of too many ideas and concepts battling it out over which is the focal point.

The story is about a house in the desert that somehow time travels do to the effects of a triple supernova and aliens. I don’t know, it’s kind of confusing. Anyway, we get a family holed up in a house and then a barn, as they experience all kinds of zany phenomena: aliens, reptile monsters, a weird UFO drone thing that gets in the house and probably twelve other threats my mind expunged within five minutes.

This is a really f’n weird motion picture. It’s not horrible though, it’s kind of interesting with all its batshittery.

I mean, it’s not a good movie, but I was able to be engaged by it, even if it threw shoddy curveballs right at my face, one after the other for 79 minutes straight.

This is one of those movies that works really well for the MST3K format. It’s not so bad that it’s dull but it is strange and unique enough to provide solid riffing material.

Rating: 3.75/10
Pairs well with: other sci-fi schlock from Charles Band Productions: Laserblast, Parasite and Metalstorm.

Film Review: Lords of the Deep (1989)

Release Date: June 2nd, 1989 (New York City premiere)
Directed by: Mary Ann Fisher
Written by: Howard R. Cohen, Daryl Haney
Music by: Jim Berenholtz
Cast: Bradford Dillman, Priscilla Barnes, Daryl Haney, Roger Corman (uncredited)

Condorde Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 78 Minutes

Review:

For a movie that came out in 1989, this looks like something that was made in 1981. Plus, it is a cheap Roger Corman produced ripoff of 1989’s blockbuster hit, The Abyss.

While I love the Roger Corman films of the ’50s and ’60s, regardless of their flaws, this 1989 production doesn’t have any redeeming qualities. It’s pretty damn dreadful on every level and doesn’t have someone as talented as Vincent Price or Jack Nicholson to make it work.

This wet turd was featured on the latest season of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and the only known actor in it is Priscilla Barnes, who is still most famous as the replacement of Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company. She was also in Mallrats and The Devil’s Rejects and had a small role in Licence to Kill, the 1989 James Bond picture.

I guess one neat thing about this though, is that Roger Corman actually acts, albeit briefly and just in a few scenes as a corporate executive talking through a television monitor. But even with his voice distorted and his cold stare, he put in a more lifelike performance than the entire cast apart from Barnes, who actually wasn’t terribly bad. Maybe she directed herself.

The special effects here are deplorable and they’re way below Corman’s own standard by the time this was made. His 1980 movie Battle Beyond the Stars has better effects and that’s almost a decade older.

The alien creatures in this were so terrible that they look like some sort of papier-mâché hood ornament for a high school parade float.

Lords of the Deep is bad, really bad. And sometimes I enjoy bad but this was like getting your teeth pulled in slow motion without drugs or booze.

Rating: 2.25/10
Pairs well with: other very low grade ’70s and ’80s sci-fi pictures.

Film Review: Atlantic Rim (2013)

Also known as: From the Sea (worldwide English title), Battle of Atlantis (Japan), Attack From the Atlantic Rim (Germany), Attack From Beneath (US DVD title), Atlantic Rim: World’s End (France), 5,000 Fathoms Deep (alternate title)
Release Date: July 9th, 2013
Directed by: Jared Cohn
Written by: Richard Lima, Thunder Levin, Hank Woon Jr., Jared Cohn
Music by: Chris Ridenhour
Cast: Graham Greene, David Chokachi, Treach, Jackie Moore

The Asylum, 85 Minutes

Review:

I have never watched a mockbuster from The Asylum because all one has to do is look at a DVD cover to know how terrible these things are. But since Atlantic Rim was forced upon me in the latest season of Mystery Science Theater 3000, I didn’t have much of a choice.

This was really bad. In fact, as a motion picture, it is one of the worst MST3K has ever riffed and that’s saying a lot. However, it’s badness did make bits of it enjoyable in the same way one can be amused by parts of those deplorable Birdemic movies.

It was kind of sad to see Graham Greene in this, as he was once an Oscar nominee. Also, I felt bad for Treach, who twenty-five years ago, was on top of the world as the frontman of the hip-hop group Naughty by Nature.

I don’t even know where to start with this mess, other than pointing out the obvious. This movie is a blatant ripoff of Pacific Rim, a film that exceeds this a hundredfold in every regard.

The story is shit, the acting is atrocious, the special effects are worse than PlayStation 1 graphics and the score hurt my head and required medication to recover from.

If someone asked, “Do you prefer mayonnaise or Miracle Whip?” And you replied, “I fucking hate Miracle Whip.” And then you got hit over the head and woke up to find yourself drowning in a vat of Miracle Whip. That’s pretty much what this film is like for a Pacific Rim fan. I don’t know if that analogy made much sense but I hate this film as much as I hate Miracle Whip.

No one that made this knew what the hell they were doing. And I don’t know how The Asylum is still in business, unless they just dupe grandmas into buying their DVDs for Christmas, making them believe its actually the movie that Little Danny wants from Santa.

Also, it took four people to write this. Four. And this is what this brain trust committee of writers came up with?

Rating: 1.25/10
Pairs well with: other terrible mockbusters from The Asylum, I guess. I never want to watch another one.

Film Review: Mac And Me (1988)

Also known as: Mi amigo Mac (Spanish title)
Release Date: August 12th, 1988
Directed by: Stewart Raffill
Written by: Steve Feke, Stewart Raffill
Music by: Alan Silvestri
Cast: Christine Ebersole, Jonathan Ward, Tina Caspary, Lauren Stanley, Jade Calegory

New Star Entertainment, Vision International, Orion Pictures, 99 Minutes

Review:

“You know what I feel like?” – Michael Cruise, “A Big Mac?” – Eric Cruise, “The man’s psychic!” – Michael Cruise

If you look at this as a 99 minute advertisement for McDonald’s and Coke, it’s not that bad. And really, isn’t that what this actually is?

As a kid, I kind of assumed that Mac was a new character in McDonlad’s roster that includes Ronald McDonald, Birdie, Grimace, the Hamburglar and the Fry Guys. I mean, “Mac” even fits perfectly within the McGimmick. But no, I guess this was supposed to be a real movie.

Now this is one of many blatant ripoffs of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial. These films were a dime a dozen in the ’80s just as much as Gremlins ripoffs were.

This is also universally panned by just about everyone. However, the hatred towards it is by loads of people that haven’t actually seen it. They just read things on the Internet and have heard the legends about Mac And Me for decades. And while I remembered mostly liking this in 1988, I hadn’t seen it in a really long time and wasn’t sure how it would hold up.

Seeing this now, as it was finally lampooned on Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the newest season, I still don’t think it’s as bad as the hype would want you to believe.

Now this is still a bad movie but it has a charm that most bad movies don’t. It’s ’80s cheese of the highest caliber and that can be a good or bad thing but it helps this picture, in my opinion. Also, all the kids were really likable and that goes a long way for me in a movie like this.

The story is cookie cutter and the high point is a big party at McDonald’s, which features Mac the Alien disguised as a teddy bear, dancing on tables and flying around the restaurant. But the scene is so bizarre and ’80s kitsch that it’s hard not to love if you grew up in that decade and have a soft spot for really weird, goofy shit.

But I get it, people will always have fun trashing this movie because it’s a bizarre and bad film by critical standards. Looking beyond that, though, it’s still entertaining, fun and lighthearted in a good way. At it’s core, the film is actually kind of sweet.

There are plot holes galore and a lot of things don’t make sense but it doesn’t necessarily need to. This wasn’t made to make you think, it was made to make you smile… and buy lots of Big Macs and Coke products.

Also, I loved the intensity of the Alan Silvestri score.

Rating: 5.25/10
Pairs well with: other blatant ripoffs of E.T. but if I’m being honest, this is the best of the lot. This also plays well as a double feature with Spaced Invaders.

Film Review: Teenage Caveman (1958)

Also known as: I Was a Teenage Caveman, Prehistoric World, Out of the Darkness
Release Date: July, 1958
Directed by: Roger Corman
Written by: R. Wright Campbell
Music by: Albert Glasser
Cast: Robert Vaughn, Darah Marshall

Malibu Productions, American International Pictures, 65 Minutes

Review:

“In a wonderful and strange world, before women knew shame.” – marketing tagline

Being that I am a big Roger Corman fan, I’ve seen most of his ’50s and ’60s stuff multiple times over. This film, however, I have only seen in the form of it’s riffed version, courtesy of Mystery Science Theater 3000,

I probably should buy this for my Corman collection and actually give it a watch without the riffing of Joel and the ‘Bots.

But anyway, I just revisited this, as I’m trying to work through all the MST3K featured films for review purposes.

The only real highlight is the terrible dinosaur battles that is comprised of stock footage of lizards fighting. And they’re scenes you’ve probably seen in similar films already, as Corman tends to recycle stuff that doesn’t cost money or is very cheap to obtain.

I guess the fact that Robert Vaughn is in this is also a highlight. He’s fairly charming but this is a production that his presence can’t save.

Now while I love a lot of these bad Corman cheapies, this one lacks the magic of some of the others and it isn’t as endearing in its weirdness.

Still, it’s not terrible and if you have the right kind of mind and stomach for Corman cheese, it’s worth a glance.

Rating: 4.25/10
Pairs well with: other Roger Corman sci-fi movies of the later 1950s.