Film Review: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad (1953)

Also known as: Sadko (original Russian title)
Release Date: January 5th, 1953 (Soviet Union)
Directed by: Aleksandr Ptushko
Written by: Konstantin Isayev, Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov
Music by: Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov, Vissarion Shebalin
Cast: Sergei Stolyarov, Alla Larionova, Yelena Myshkova

Mosfilm, 85 Minutes

Review:

In researching this, I’ve seen that some people really like it. However, being that I’ve only seen the poorly dubbed American version as it was riffed on Mystery Science Theater 3000, it’s hard for me to see what’s so great about it.

No, not because it is being made fun of but because there isn’t much here that makes it stand out as the pillar of quality. But if I’m being honest and comparing it to other Soviet films of its time, it certainly looks good for what it is and it looks like they spent some money on it.

That doesn’t excuse the fact that it is dreadfully boring with clunky action and more dialogue than I care to sit through.

I guess it’s imaginative but it doesn’t have anything of note going on for it; no sequence that I can point to and say to myself, “Oh, that’s interesting.”

The sets are a mixed bag, the costumes are pretty basic and the technical stuff is fairly shoddy. It’s competently shot but everything is pedestrian looking and straightforward. Other than the period piece sets and costumes the films feels devoid of any real artistic flourish. Well, that big octopus puppet was kind of cool but it didn’t actually do anything except twitch while people danced beneath it.

It’s hard to say much about the acting, as I’ve only seen the shittily dubbed version. At first glance, it doesn’t appear to be great but without actually hearing and seeing the actors deliver their performances without the hindrance of the dub track, I don’t want to pass judgment.

While this didn’t satisfy any part of me, I can’t necessarily call it a bad movie. It’s just kind of meh. But I hate “meh”. I’d rather it be awful than meh.

Rating: 5/10
Pairs well with: other foreign fantasy films with bad dubbing that made their way onto MST3K.

Film Review: Teen-Age Strangler (1964)

Also known as: Terror In the Night (re-release title)
Release Date: 1964
Directed by: Ben Parker
Written by: Clark Davis
Music by: Danny Dean
Cast: Bill Bloom, John Ensign, Jo Canterbury, John Humphreys

Ajay Film Company, American Diversified Services, Original Six, 61 Minutes

Review:

“And he didn’t steal no bike either! I did!” – Mikey Walton

Mystery Science Theater 3000 never ran short of juvenile delinquent movies from the ’50s and ’60s and this picture is just one more to add to the list.

While this is a terrible movie, it’s kind of interesting in that this one is a proto-slasher film. There isn’t any actual slashing but there is a serial killer that is targeting teens and strangling them to death. I guess you could also consider this an American giallo, although it’s devoid of a vibrant color palette and anything resembling actual style.

This only clocks in at 61 minutes but it is still a slog to get through. It lacks excitement is littered with bad acting, questionable directing decisions and it’s a “how to” on how not to light a film.

It has an interesting enough plot though, as it’s about a delinquent kid suspected of the murders, who is actually innocent, but has no alibis to deflect suspicion.

In the end, the killer isn’t even a juvenile delinquent so maybe by 1964, these films were making some social progress and didn’t blame everything on angst-y teens in car/biker culture.

Despite all its flaws, it does have one thing working for it and that’s the light rockabilly score by Danny Dean, who is probably most known for fronting the rockabilly band Danny Dean and The Homewreckers. While that band wasn’t massively successful, Dean was a pretty talented musician for his scene and his contribution in this film, at the very least, gives it a feeling of authenticity.

Sadly, the film itself doesn’t do much to capitalize off of the tunes and mostly cancels out Dean’s work, as everything else is so lackluster that it drowns out the positives.

Rating: 2.25/10
Pairs well with: other juvenile delinquent movies that made it on to MST3K.

Film Review: Operation Double 007 (1967)

Also known as: O.K. Connery (original title), Operation Kid Brother (US), Kid Brother (US informal title), Divided Evil (alternative title), Secret Agent 00 (Germany)
Release Date: April 20th, 1967 (Italy)
Directed by: Alberto De Martino
Written by: Paolo Levi, Frank Walker, Stanley Wright, Stefano Canzio
Music by: Ennio Morricone, Bruno Nicolai
Cast: Neil Connery, Daniela Bianchi, Adolfo Celi, Agata Flori, Bernard Lee, Anthony Dawson, Lois Maxwell, Yachuco Yama

Produzione D.S. (Dario Sabatello), 104 Minutes

Review:

“It’s going to blow up soon. Maybe even tomorrow. With you on board.” – Dr. Neil Connery, “You read too many novels by Fleming.” – Maya

As I’m getting close to finishing my quest of reviewing all the movies showcased on Mystery Science Theater 3000, I saved one of the best pictures for last. That was partially by design, as I remembered seeing this years ago, was somewhat captivated by it and wanted to save something I liked (or was at least interested in) for the tail end of my long journey.

Since the Italians don’t give a crap about copyright law and make unofficial sequels to anything that made more than five lira at the box office, this film “borrows” pretty heavily from the James Bond franchise, which was super popular at the time.

While this film is parody and not a “sequel” it features some of the iconic actors from the early Bond films: Bernard Lee (M), Lois Maxwell (Miss Moneypenny) and Adolfo Celi (Emilio Largo, the main antagonist from Thunderball). Even nuttier than that, it features Sean Connery’s younger brother Neil, as the super spy hero.

It’s alluded to that he is the younger brother of the more famous spy but the similarities between the two men end there, as Neil doesn’t look the part nearly as well as Sean does and he kind of stumbles through the film without the confidence and panache of any of the actors that played legitimate James Bonds.

In fact, the younger Connery is completely overshadowed by the other actors on the screen, especially the ones that were in actual Bond movies. Celi steals the scenes he’s in and it’s cool seeing Lee and Maxwell here too but none of them can make this a salvageable picture.

The only real high point, apart from how bizarre this is, are the dozens of hot Italian women thrown onscreen simply because this is Italian schlock that is ripping off a franchise that puts a high emphasis on the tried and true ideology that sex sells. You should certainly be pleased with the amount of eye candy here and even if no one is really acting like they care, most of the women heavy scenes are playful, fun and lighthearted.

Comparing this to the typical films that were riffed on MST3K, this is actually one of the better ones even though it’s still a bit shit. It’s that good kind of shit though, especially for fans of the early years of the James Bond franchise.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: other ’60s spy parody films.

Film Review: 12 to the Moon (1960)

Also known as: Twelve to the Moon (alternative spelling)
Release Date: June, 1960
Directed by: David Bradley
Written by: Fred Gebhardt, DeWitt Bodeen
Music by: Michael Andersen
Cast: Ken Clark, Michi Kobi, Tom Conway, Anna-Lisa

Luna Productions Inc., Columbia Pictures, 74 Minutes

Review:

“I should have known, what… what a stupid unthinking fool. I deserve this.” – Dr. Feodor Orloff

12 to the Moon is a pretty dreadful and boring sci-fi picture from an era where most sci-fi pictures were pretty terrible. It’s actually hard to believe that 2001: A Space Odyssey came out just eight years after this.

To be fair, this came out in a time when this genre still didn’t have respect and the vast majority of these pictures were made by cheap studios without a lot of money to help make these film’s better.

Now Columbia Pictures isn’t small but this was obviously made to be thrown on B-movie double bills to attract the youth of the day and drive-in theater crowds that just wanted to make out and eat popcorn. I don’t recommend trying those two things simultaneously, for the record.

This would probably be a long forgotten dud had it not been featured in an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Because of that, it will always have some sort of relevance, as long as MST3K fans are still alive and still going back to watch old homemade video tapes of the episode. Honestly, you can find most of the episodes on YouTube; so you don’t need to dust off the VCR or your VHS library.

At first glance, this is a movie about the space race, as it focuses on a team of twelve scientists who go to the moon to claim it as international territory before those Soviet Reds gets there and claim it for themselves. They even bring a couple of cats with them.

Anyway, this evolves into a movie where the environment is out to kill these scientists at every turn and the scientists even display a level of stupidity that can only be matched by the scientists in 2012’s Prometheus. One idiot discovers some bubbling liquid and excitedly runs over to put his hand in it, burning himself. Somewhere in the galaxy, Picard is facepalming hard.

There are alien hieroglyphics, plots about freezing America, French communists, Nazis being forgiven for horrible crimes, more alien shit and a bunch of clunky sets, bad actors and production crew members that were seemingly asleep at the wheel.

As bad as this is though, I don’t hate it. I can’t recommend it but if you want to subject yourself to this picture, at least watch the MST3K version.

Rating: 2.5/10
Pairs well with: other schlock-y outer space movies that were on MST3K.

Film Review: The Painted Hills (1951)

Also known as: Lassie’s Adventures in the Goldrush (alternative title), Lassie’s Christmas Story (DVD title)
Release Date: April 21st, 1951 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: Harold F. Kress
Written by: True Boardman, Alexander Hull
Based on: The Lassie novels by Eric Knight
Music by: Daniele Amfitheatrof
Cast: Pal (credited as “Lassie”), Paul Kelly, Bruce Cowling, Gary Gray, Ann Doran

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 68 Minutes

Review:

This must have been featured on one of the few Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes that I missed because I don’t remember Joel and the ‘Bots ever riffing a Lassie movie.

In fact, based off of the film’s title, I had just assumed this was a standard western. Now while it is a western and a pretty basic one, Lassie the dog is front and center and gets top billing.

All that being said, this is a pretty boring movie even for a Lassie one but full disclosure, I’ve never been a big Lassie fan.

It lacks the energy and spirit of the television show, the version of Lassie I, and probably everyone, am most familiar with.

The story actually doesn’t even feel that much like a Lassie story, as the dog is named Shep. It’s also a darker tale than the television plots, as it focuses on a nice old prospector who finds gold but is then murdered by his partner. The evil partner also poisons Shep the dog and nearly kills Tommy, the little kid in the story. Lassie… er… Shep gets revenge though, as she chases the evil bastard until he falls off of a cliff to his death.

I should’ve prefaced that paragraph with a spoiler alert but I’m saving my readers from watching this dud. However, I guess it’s palatable if you watch it on MST3K.

Rating: 3.25/10
Pairs well with: the other Lassie movies, as well as the long running television show.

Film Review: Gunslinger (1956)

Release Date: June 15th, 1956
Directed by: Roger Corman
Written by: Charles B. Griffith, Mark Hanna
Music by: Ronald Stein
Cast: Beverly Garland, John Ireland, Allison Hayes, Dick Miller

Roger Corman Productions, American Releasing Corporation, 78 Minutes

Review:

“I’ll make you a deal. I won’t try to make you a bad woman, if you stop trying to make me a good man.” – Cane Miro, “You’re not bad, you’re just no good.” – Marshal Rose Hood

This came out before Roger Corman really found his footing as a filmmaker. While I love how Corman could make so much with so little, his pictures typically survived on the charm he was able to put into them. Gunslinger, however, is just so drab and pedestrian that I have to put it as one of Corman’s worst.

That sucks because the film does have an interesting premise, especially for a mid-’50s movie. It sees the town sheriff get murdered by criminals and then his widow picks up his badge to take out the scum that killed her man. The story is the type of female empowerment stuff that I love. But unfortunately, it completely lacks any sort of badassness and feels more like a half-assed pilot to a ’50s western show that had no chance of getting picked up.

The film stars Beverly Garland, along with John Ireland and a small role for Corman favorite Dick Miller but it lacks any sort of energy or emotion.

Even though Roger Corman may have the record for most films riffed on Mystery Science Theater 3000, I don’t feel like this one really fits the mold that well. It’s just dry and weak and even though MST3K features schlock, this film feels out of place among the other Corman flicks they lampooned.

In a time where I hadn’t seen this, if someone came up to me and asked, “Hey, have you ever seen that Corman picture where the dead sheriff’s wife picks up his badge to get revenge?” I’d have been like, “No! Fuck! We gotta go watch it!” But I would’ve been let down, severely.

Rating: 2.75/10
Pairs well with: other western schlock from the time, as well as other ’50s Roger Corman pictures.

Film Review: The Green Slime (1968)

Also known as: Ganmā Daisan Gō: Uchū Daisakusen (original Japanese title), After the Destruction of Space Station Gamma: Big Military Operation, Battle Beyond the Stars, Death and the Green Slime, Gamma #3 Big Military Space Operation, The Battle of Space Station Gamma (alternative titles)
Release Date: July 6th, 1968 (Trieste Sci-Fi Film Festival – Italy)
Directed by: Kinji Fukasaku
Written by: William Finger, Tom Rowe, Charles Sinclair, Ivan Reiner
Music by: Toshiaki Tsushima
Cast: Robert Horton, Richard Jaeckel, Luciana Paluzzi

Lun Film, Ram Films Inc., Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Toei, 90 Minutes, 77 Minutes (laserdisc edit)

Review:

“Jack, do you realize that this is the first time that anything living has been found in space? Do you know how terribly important that is?” – Lisa Benson

The Green Slime is a really interesting movie for a multitude of reasons.

To start, it was the first film ever featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, way back before the show was on national cable television and it was just a little show from a local Minneapolis TV station. And, honestly, it is much better than the standard level of schlock that MST3K features.

Additionally, the movie is a co-production between America’s MGM studios and Japan’s Toei studios, a production company primarily known for tokusatsu (Japanese sci-fi). Around the same time, Toei gave us Yongary, Monster From the Deep, Invasion of the Neptune Men and The Magic Serpent. They would also go on to create Super Sentai (a.k.a. Power Rangers), Kamen Rider, VR Troopers, Beetleborgs, as well as developing a major animation studio: Toei Animation.

On top of that, the production was made in Japan and in the Japanese tokusatsu style but it featured a cast of western and Italian actors. The most notable star is probably Luciana Paluzzi, who some might recognize from her role as Fiona Volpe (a.k.a. Number Ten), a member of the villainous SPECTRE in the classic James Bond picture Thunderball.

Now this movie looks just like you would expect, if you’ve watched ’60s tokusatsu films. While Toei wasn’t quite on the level of Toho, the studio behind Godzilla, the miniatures in this film are pretty decent and the sets work really well for what this is. In fact, this is one of the best looking and impressive productions that Toei had done up to this point. MGM co-financing the project may have a lot to do with that though.

The alien creatures are also pretty cool and while they look like normal tokusatsu-type monsters, they seem a little more refined and built with a greater emphasis on detail. They’re not fantastic alien creatures but they’re still damn cool and were effective as the threat in this picture.

I’m not sure why this has a 4.8 on IMDb but most people don’t enjoy the finer things in life like the tokusatsu aesthetic.

Out of all the movies that have been riffed on MST3KThe Green Slime is one of the best and shouldn’t be viewed as a film that belongs to be in the same company as something like Red Zone Cuba.

In fact, I’d say that this was around the same level as This Island Earth.

Rating: 6.5/10
Pairs well with: other tokusatsu movies that featured western actors, as well as ’60s non-kaiju tokusatsu in general.