Talking Pulp: A Few Words While Dealing With the “Mexican Lager Viral Event”

This coronavirus insanity has made the world go bonkers. I think people are just scared and allowing the media and others to work them up into a panic that makes them hoard strange things like toilet paper and garlic.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my head up, maintain as positive of an attitude as I can while trying to weed out the bullshit, hysteria and conspiracy theories, in an effort to digest just the facts and maintain a rational mindset.

Since I know that I get a lot more readers here than I have followers on Twitter, I thought that I’d share something that I said on that social media platform a few days ago:

As someone who’s lived thru multiple bad hurricanes, it’s important to see how these things bring us together, as opposed to fixating on the a-holes that turn to fear, panic & general douchery. There are more good people than bad, even though sometimes it doesn’t look that way.

I wanted to expand on that, though, as Twitter limits the size of your tweets and you can’t always jot down your complete thoughts in better detail or context with just 280 characters. Granted, most people these days can’t seem to process information larger than a sensationalist clickbait headline but I digress.

So, here we all are, at an interesting time in human history. It’s the start of a new decade, mainstream culture has gotten really weird the last few years and frankly, people nowadays bitch about absolute nonsense and are always looking to get offended because they’re seeking out conflict where there is none.

An intelligent, rational person would probably think that we no longer have any real problems because the ones that people seem to get so worked up about don’t remotely compare to the gravity of a World War, the Holocaust, the Cold War, the Great Depression, Vietnam, civil rights, the Civil War or a plague. Now people get hella pissed because the President tweeted out something rude and crass. Granted, I don’t think Twitter really benefits the guy but whatever, I’m not going to diarrhea all over the Internet about it.

My point is, what’s happening in the world, right now, could be the biggest thing that’s happened in a generation. I’m not discounting 9/11 but this COVID-19 pandemic has already directly affected a lot more people and it doesn’t look like it plans on slowing down, as the world’s greatest minds are doing what they can to try and limit the damage it is going to cause.

Many people think that the governments are overreacting and maybe they are but ultimately, this is a more serious problem than what many are seeing it as. The reason why it is this big of an issue is our lack of preparedness. The writing has been on the wall for quite some time and this virus could have been more effectively countered at a much earlier stage.

More than anything, I hope this is a lesson and that those who have the ability and the power to do something about this, will be much more vigilant in the future. The spread of viruses needs to be more of a priority and I’m speaking as someone that doesn’t like big government and is pretty laissez-faire. But if I’m paying taxes, which I always will, I’d rather it go towards science, medicine and technological advances that can enrich the future and make it safer.

Most of us are good people. Most of us want the best for not just ourselves but also our neighbors. We live in a world where technology has made us closer and our communities aren’t just our local neighborhoods. Collectively, we should be working to survive and thrive. It’s in all of our best interest to make sure that the world is healthy on all levels.

Yes, there will always be shitty, terrible people. But we can’t let those few speak and act for the rest of us. They aren’t us and I think that many people lose sight of that when they turn on the news and see spring breaking Millennials being self-absorbed dipshits or normal people, full of fear, fist fighting over toilet paper and snack cakes. These people aren’t the majority but it is really easy for the majority to get pulled into this destructive, paranoid orbit and become what they fear.

I know it’s become a cliche statement but everyone should be the change that they want to see in the world. Be better, be positive, try not to lose your cool in times like this and know that, most likely, most of us will get through this.

We’ve had a pretty easy existence for a long time but once in a while, shit hits the fan. This is shit hitting the fan. But how we handle it is up to us. You control how you respond to the shit that the world throws at you.

In the end, this will be much easier to get through if more people have each other’s backs and we all try to help where we can. The media just exists to make money off of our fear, paranoia and insecurity, so it is in their nature to try and generate more, especially in times like these.

Learn how to read through the bullshit. Know the facts. Don’t take every rumor or clickbait headline you read as a stone cold truth. But also, be vigilant in your own life when it comes to the safety of yourself and your loved ones.

Honestly, I feel like everything I’m saying here, should be common sense. But when my social media and news feeds are full of 95 percent negativity, I thought that I’d have to put something positive out there.

People keep talking about flattening the curve, well… we also need to flatten the fear, paranoia and negativity. We need to be rational, logical and willing to build the world up instead of tearing it down.

Lets treat this threat as a reminder that we need to look beyond petty differences and actually see the good in other people, regardless of politics, religion or whatever other bullshit that divides us.

Human beings have been wired to seek out conflict; it’s in our nature. But we can also evolve beyond that and try to be something better. It’s on us whether or not we destroy ourselves or reach a higher purpose.

I don’t want to lose faith in humanity, as I see good, kind acts every day. So maybe it’s time that we all start making a real effort to push the needle in the other direction.

Retro Relapse: 50 Things You Shouldn’t Have In Your House Because You’re a Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

A man is what most males should evolve into, as they grow and experience life and get out there and learn how to be self-sufficient, self-reliant people and masters of their own domain.

I’ve written on the topic quite extensively and different people have a lot of different ideas on what a man is. I’m not going to argue or debate that here. I’m just going to list some things that you probably shouldn’t have in your domicile if you are a full grown badass grizzly motherfucker.

Plus, this list will help you get laid more.

So what should you not have in your house? Well, this is a start.

1. Clutter, filth, dirt, grime and shit everywhere. Clean up after yourself.
2. Tin foil, posters or something other than curtains or blinds covering your windows.
3. Nothing in the pantry other than ramen and hot sauce.
4. Sheets covered in Rugrats characters.
5. Video game chairs, inflatable furniture or beanbags.
6. A proud collection of empty liquor bottles or beer boxes.
7. Anything Pokémon.
8. Christmas lights as year-round mood lighting.
9. Bongs all over the place.
10. A pile of dirty dishes that are growing new lifeforms.
11. Blacklight posters.
12. Shelves built from materials stolen from a construction site.
13. A toilet with a messed up flush pump. It is literally the easiest thing to replace in your house. And dirt cheap.
14. Stacks of magazines that haven’t been touched in years.
15. Posters or art that doesn’t have any sort of unifying theme. And posters that aren’t framed. A cheap decent frame is a few bucks at Wal-Mart.
16. Bunk beds. Seriously, I have a 32 year-old friend who has a bunk bed.
17. Duct taped furniture.
18. An overflowing garbage can.
19. CD towers. What year is this?
20. Cords strung throughout the house.
21. Stolen street signs.
22. A comforter on the floor or an inflatable mattress as a bed.
23. A shrine to an athlete or to anyone, really. Unless it is Stan Mikita.
24. Comic books or sports cards not in protective sleeves and properly stored.
25. Strobe lights on all the time.
26. Outdoor mats or rugs as bath mats or area rugs.
27. Weapons on display that would break if you were to actually use them as weapons.
28. Pot leaf decor.
29. Trophies you won in middle school.
30. A bread box full of mail or magazines.
31. Shower curtains covered in Pixar characters.
32. Any merchandise with Che on it. Che didn’t like capitalism, right?
33. Half finished projects you have no intention of completing that take up half the room in your house.
34. DJ equipment on display in the corner, covered in three years of dust.
35. Recycling to-go containers as dinner plates.
36. A futon as your primary bed.
37. Lava lamps or anything comparable.
38. A pog collection.
39. A half used box of condoms on display.
40. Empty vases or ones filled with dead plant life.
41. Neon signs for shitty beer.
42. Porn magazines or DVDs out in the open in the common areas of the house.
43. Tofu or other soy products.
44. A library full of unopened books. We all know you aren’t an intellectual.
45. Swimsuit or porn calendars on the wall.
46. A Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, Easy Bake Oven or other child appliance on display.
47. Scented candles unless they smell like smoked moose carcass in a burning forest.
48. Sports jerseys displayed on the wall with a hanger.
49. An elliptical covered in clothes.
50. A wall of action figures still in their packages. Play with them shits!

Retro Relapse: My Thoughts On Competitive Bearding

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Being that I am a pretty outspoken guy on manly issues and manly facial hair, I am often times asked about my thoughts on competitive bearding. Well, I can’t really sum up my opinion and thoughts about it in a quick and easy answer, so I figured that I would write about it.

To start, I’m all for men showing off their awesome facial locks. Look at Germany’s Willi Chevalier, who is a multiple competitive bearding champion. He grows some awesome foliage, maintains it nicely and transforms it into a manly work of art on a consistent basis. There is no question that a lot of time and effort and most importantly, artistic talent goes into his creations.

But then you get lazy fucks like America’s Jack Passion, who has also won a ton of bearding competitions for his long flowing face mane. Why do I call him a “lazy fuck”? Well because he just grew a really long beard. Yes, it is well-kempt and the amount of time it took to grow was probably years but at the end of the day, it is just a long beard and it isn’t that intimidating or manly or even remotely badass.

What I see is a guy who hibernated in a basement for a few years, woke up with some long locks attached to his face, figured he might as well run some Pantene Pro-V Sheer Volume through it and then decided that it was good enough to go and try to make money off of it because he obviously didn’t have a real job. There is nothing artistic or inspiring about Jack Passion’s long beard and even considering him to be in the same ballpark as Chevalier is a slap in the face of true beard and mustache artisans.

The reason why I am pointing to Jack Passion, is because he was the primary focal point of the IFC show Whisker Wars. He was also the guy that many competitive bearders in America wanted to usurp. From what I gathered from other people on the show, Jack Passion is a big douchebag. In fact, he always came off as one when he was on screen. But I don’t care so much for his mastery of the art of douchebaggery, I care more about the fact that his prized beard doesn’t impress me.

I must point out that there are different categories in bearding and mustache competitions and the category where Jack Passion thrives, is not in the same category that an artist like Willi Chevalier thrives. And frankly, it is the categories that feature the artistry of bearding that really set my tits on fire. I find someone like Chevalier to be more inspiring and way more badass and manly. There is a powerful old world charm and an authentic sense of craftsmanship in the categories where Chevalier flourishes.

In categories like Full Natural Beard, I just see guys who don’t like to shave. I don’t like to shave. In fact, if I wanted, I could probably enter these competitions and kill it at a local level. If I wanted to get my beard as long as Jack Passion’s, I could probably kick his ass in a global competition. Hell, half of the NHL and the MLB could kick his ass if they wanted to. Male model Ricki Hall would destroy Passion too. In fact, Hall should. But you see, I don’t have as much respect for something that I feel I could do myself quite easily. I respect hard work because it is work and it is hard.

Would I attempt to do what Chevalier does? Hell no! Why? Because I am lazy as fuck too and that would take some serious time, commitment and more passion for the art of bearding than I have time and energy for. And that is why I appreciate Chevalier and his fancy face over Passion and his wool chin sweater. Chevalier does with his facial hair, what most men can only dream of.

Now, where many consider this a sport, I do not. Yes, it is competitive but so is almost everything else in life. Poker is also not a sport. I feel like sports require a person to sweat. Walking around on a stage letting your beard flow in the wind is not a sweaty activity. Unless of course you are at the beach or under hot lights but even then, runway modelling isn’t a sport either.

What competitive bearding is, is art. Or that is what it should be viewed as. Unless of course, you just grew a long beard and the most effort you put into your appearance is renting a top hat.

So essentially, there are things I love and respect about competitive bearding but there are also parts of it that I think are a big waste of time and distract from the artistic side of it.

Yes, I appreciate a good long beard. But no matter how long, full and nice it looks, it will never grab my attention like an original Chevalier masterpiece.

Retro Relapse: Man Up, the Right Way

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

*This is somewhat of a continuation of some of the stuff I have already discussed, albeit not at the length I would’ve liked to within posts regarding broader issues.

There’s an old adage that says “If you want to feel like a man, act like a man!” Okay, it isn’t really an old adage but it is something I have said from time to time. Point being, if you are having trouble traversing through an emasculated existence and feel the absolute need to embrace your masculinity, just fucking embrace it.

To do this, even if it seems difficult, you must start acting like a man. It may be hard because you have never done this but you have to do it. The alternative is accepting your existence as less than you wish to be. You will never be happy just accepting your fate as it is. Change is uncomfortable but that’s the fucking point. Would you rather deal with discomfort and eventually man the fuck up or would you rather continue on as a depressed shill unable to look himself in the mirror?

This post isn’t really a “how to” on being a man, it is more of a “how not to”. Reason being, I see so many guys trying to embrace manliness and they’re so far gone that they just fuck it up and look even worse. Some call it an early midlife crisis, I call it sucking at manliness.

You know the guys I am talking about. Usually they are in their late 20s to early 40s and drive around on a shitty motorcycle usually decked out in motorcycle clothes that looks childish or ill fitting. While driving their motorcycle, they just look uncomfortable and awkward and usually do ten miles under the speed limit in the left lane. Some of these guys may even go out and buy a mediocre “fast” car that they can’t really afford. Some buy a boat but have never driven one and didn’t take into account the price of a trailer or a truck to haul the thing. Others start randomly getting tattoos even though they never expressed interest in it before. Usually these tattoos are picked off of pictures on the parlor wall and have absolutely no meaning to the man whatsoever. An ornate dragon wrapped around their ankle is a clear sign of one of these dudes. A man with a tramp stamp is a totally different conversation.

The point being, none of this bullshit makes you a man. Yes, I’ve talked about what makes you a man and this doesn’t cut it. In fact, this just makes you look like a dorkdick retard.

Now I am not going to rehash what a man is, as I did it in Misconceptions of Manliness. But in a nutshell, it is none of this material bullshit and trying too hard to be something you’re not. It is about enhancing who you are. Now applying that to what I said about “act like a man” means that you should take on some manly skills and activities. Learn some carpentry, play the harmonica, work out more, go hiking, go camping, play baseball and most importantly, stop giving a fuck about what people think.

That last point is the most important. The reason guys embrace the bullshit when compensating for what feels like a lack of manliness, is because motorcycles, cars and tattoos are just some of the things that society projects as manliness and badass.

Fuck all that noise.

Stop giving a shit about what everyone else projects onto you and just do what makes you feel badass. Because really, does wearing some dumb leather outfit while you scoot slowly like some down syndrome turtle on a motorcycle in the fast lane make you feel badass? You’re faking the funk, you’ll never be satisfied and you will always still feel like you are lacking something. And I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with motorcycles, fast cars and tattoos but if they truly are your thing, embrace the fuck out of it and push it to the limit. Don’t just half ass the shit like an awkward pussy unsure of yourself.

Men need to feel badass from time to time, that isn’t a secret. It is good for their confidence. Just find your natural thing because your unnatural fix isn’t going to build your confidence, it’ll just magnify your insecurities. Try out some new shit. Do something uncommon and challenging. Besides, embracing new experiences and challenges is a pretty manly thing to do. That’s how you build some goddamned confidence.

When I’ve been faced with shit lately, where I feel like I need some other dude to come to my house and fix this thing or that thing, I now do the best I can to try and understand the problem and find a solution myself. If I am able to fix the problem on my own, it feels pretty fucking good because I learned something new, I challenged myself and I succeeded.

In my experience, that does more to boost up my manly ego than buying some five year-old midlevel BMW or a used Suzuki Hayabusa. It sure as shit feels better than branding myself for life with some barbwire-wrapped Chinese character that translates to “respect”.

Just find your thing, stop embracing other people’s thing and rock it the fuck out.

Retro Relapse: Couples On Facebook

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Side note: I’m really, really drunk.

There are few things in life more annoying than some types of couples on Facebook. In fact, Facebook is annoying enough on its own and I often times question myself for still having a profile. If it wasn’t my only real point of contact with some people, I’d have moved on a long time ago.

Additional side note/update: I actually moved on in 2016.

Some people however, think that Facebook is a tool to put their entire lives out there. They see it as a way to make their lives completely transparent to the public and to build up their ideal persona all in an attempt to paint themselves as an interesting being who others should worship and admire like some sort of mega fun life guru. When two of these people get together in a relationship, the insanity and annoyance factor magnifies a hundred fold.

I’m going to talk about two types of couples here and be forewarned, if you are on my personal friends list and fit the bill, I probably blocked you from my news feed awhile ago, which is why you don’t see me liking and commenting on your posts anymore. Sorry, I just can’t take you and your sweetie’s bullshit shenanigans. Chances are, my level of respect for you is also non-existent at this point.

The first type of couple are the ones who feel it is their obligation to shove their lovey dovey bullshit down all their friends’ throats. You know the type. They have threads of comments in a post telling each other how much they love one another, more or less competing over who loves who the mostestest times quadruple infinity. They are social media’s version of the couple who displays way too much PDA. These are the assholes who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. Some of them even have matching shirts, which the girl most likely picked out.

These relationships are a clear sign of a selfish bitch dominating her emasculated lapdog of an emo boy toy. If these people are over 14 years-old, they are horrible human beings not worthy of even having friends. They need serious psychological help and it is only a matter of time before the female kills and eats the head of the male like some ravenous preying mantis with adorable tits.

Any male who voluntarily subjects themselves to this kind of sick insanity, deserves to not have his balls. You are practically a teenage girl with a penis. Nut the fuck up, man the fuck up and get your shit straight because you are on a slippery slope of shit that is going to lead to a string of horrible females that rule your life. You are basically a child with a self-centered mother figure that dresses you and wipes your ass. And you don’t want to bang your mom, right?

Another type is those couples who have joint Facebook accounts. That right there is a clear sign of a couple that truly trusts each other. Usually it is the chick running the profile though. Often times, once a dude gets in a relationship, he deactivates his profile because he doesn’t need it to scope out the available pussy anymore. The overly attached girlfriend or wife then throws his name onto her account, just in case he wants to check out Facebook once in awhile.

Really, I think this is employed to have one point of contact. This way she can monitor what girls send him. It’s a motherfucking trap! But bitches want to make sure they’re man is in union with them. They are a couple with a hive mind! Why? Because when you’re a couple, apparently you are no longer an individual.

As a friend of people who have couples accounts, I fucking hate talking to them. I never know who the fuck I’m talking to and it’s just annoying because there is some shit I would say to my guy friends that I wouldn’t necessarily say in front of their significant other, especially an insecure control freak chick that would make her cutiepie share accounts with her. Not knowing who I am talking to is a deterrent for me to talk to anyone. Good luck with your trusting relationship, I’ll go hang out with the adults and shit.

And please, stop taking couples selfies! Your whole wall is a billboard for something that looks like a goddamned two-headed monster making duck faces. It’s not cute, it’s gross.

If you are a guy that has a joint couples account, I bet there is a 99 percent chance that it wasn’t your idea. I can also pretty easily assume that you’re not allowed to talk to exes and that you have had more pink added to your wardrobe.

If I offended you because you exist in a world where this is okay, I am fine with that. In fact, I’m pretty satisfied. It is time to stop being annoying assholes and just be normal people. If the guy doesn’t have the time or interest for Facebook, leave it alone. He doesn’t need his name squished next to yours like some fucked up font orgy.

Retro Relapse: Manscaping: Some Guys Do It – I Fucking Don’t

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I once had a girlfriend say to me, “You know, you really should trim your bush.” I looked her dead in her eyes and laughed. Then I saw that her face meant that she was serious and not amused by my merry response. She then said, “I’m fucking serious. And you need to trim up your body too.” Then I looked a lot less amused and she retorted with, “I keep my bush trimmed for you!” My response, “No, you keep it trimmed because that’s what your stupid girlfriends do and you assume that’s what I want and in fact, I feel weird when I’m going down on your prepubescent looking vagina.” Needless to say, the relationship only lasted about as long as it took me to walk to the door.

The point of this tale is that there are a lot of ideas that people have about how a body should look – especially when it comes to body hair. I’m going to say this, look at Tom Selleck in that picture. Do you think that bad ass mastodon of manliness gives a fuck what anyone thinks about his luscious chest forest or pimp mustache? Fuck no he doesn’t and women still throw their pussies at him even though Magnum P.I. hasn’t been on CBS since 1988.

Look at George Clooney, Sean Connery, Hugh Jackman, Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Jon Hamm, Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff, Chuck Norris, Jude Law, Robin Williams, Allen Payne, Henry Cavill, Seth Rogen, Pierce Brosnan and Will Ferrell. All these men embrace their manly body foliage and no one gives a shit because they rock it and they are all sexy as fuck in their own way. And this isn’t me admitting to some homoerotic man crushes, the proof is in the pudding and these dudes have been pussy magnets for years. Not because of fame but because they don’t give a shit what some overbearing chick has to say about it. They man the fuck up and crush life and that is what draws the women in.

Furthermore, with body hair like these guys have, do you think they shave their cock manes? Hell no.

The word “manscaping” is just some idiotic bullshit slang term some girl came up with that her little friends probably thought was cute. It is an abomination of the English language and the word makes me shudder like a chihuahua with his nuts stuck to a frozen Montreal sidewalk in January.

And speaking of lapdogs, that is all a man is, if he gives in to his female’s urges to trim his dick beard away. Hell, if he trims anything at her request, he’s an idiot and actually probably deserves his own lapdog fate for giving in. He may as well finish the job and just snip his balls off and hand them to her.

I will admit though, that I nearly snipped my balls off when I was younger. My girlfriend at the time asked me to trim my pubes. I gave them a number zero with my hair clippers. The next day when she was riding me, she mentioned that it was horrible and it felt like “fucking a cactus”. I told her to enjoy it because it was what she wanted. She never asked me to trim again and I never did, in that relationship or in any of the ones after it.

From a definition standpoint, “manscaping” used to just refer to trimming the sex region. Somewhere down the line, women who obsess over hairless teenage sparkling vampires wanted their men to look like this as well. They envision the perfect guy to basically look like a hairless cat with eyeliner, covered in glitter. Well, to me, the perfect woman has a tighter vagina but I don’t make them wrap a bungee cord around their labia when it’s squeezing my manwurst.

Now on the flip side, women may be getting pissed and want to counter with the fact that men expect them to shave and womanscape their shit.

One: I don’t give a fuck what you do honestly. I prefer some hair on my lady’s vagina but I’m not going to hold a gun to her head. Landing strips are unattractive, bald pussy is unattractive, the Hitler mustache thing is unattractive – I just prefer it to have some hair and be in the proper shape it grows in. Hair is character.

Many guys want bald pussies but many guys also gawk at middle school girls. Stay away from those perverts and don’t help them with their weird preteen fetishes by making your vagina look like a 12 year-old’s.

Also, just because your girlfriends buy into the bald pussy hype, doesn’t mean you need to be a follower.

Two: Does this mean girls can grown hair on their legs and under their arms? I really don’t care but let me keep it real for a second.

I prefer girls to be traditional. No, not caveman traditional but traditional in the sense of shaving the normal parts. I don’t see this shit as hypocritical when girls have been doing this for generations. Does that make me a male oppressor? No, because you can do what the fuck you want. I wont date you for very long but that’s fine. If you don’t like my hairiness and supreme beastly sexual robustness, then don’t date me. It is pretty fucking simple.

Besides, men didn’t force you to shave. Around World War I or so, dresses got shorter and women shaved their legs because they were showing that skin for the first time. I mean, maybe a dude said, “Hey I bet if you shave that it might look nicer.” But seriously, no male agenda suddenly popped up where they wanted women to have bald legs after millions of years of them being hairy. That’s like people deciding to dye the ocean purple for no fucking reason after millions of years of it being blue.

Plus, women did this themselves due to their insane competitive nature with one another. Where men (well, real men) compete with one another in arm-wrestling and wood-chopping, women compete with one another in physical appearance and how much free swag they can collect from their new boy toy. Don’t blame men because you wanted the shiniest and smoothest legs.

Three: Guys being forced to shave their bodies is just bizarre. We’re not supposed to look like women and frankly, I think that any woman that wants a hairless man, really just wants to fuck an adolescent boy. You ladies are fucking weird. You’re the female equivalent to the men who demand bald pussy. All of you need therapy and to be put on a sexual predator list.

Is it possible that women are just mad that men “made them” shave their pits and now they want the ultimate revenge by making their men go hairless? Whatever; grow up. Or don’t grown up and then grow your pits out and grow your cat collection because no dude is growing his boner for you.

Four: Fuck Twilight!

Furthermore, if a chick I’m with wants to go full bush, fuck it, I’ll take the plunge and dive right in.

I once had a girlfriend try to point out that too much body hair or pubic hair is unsanitary. She wasn’t the brightest dildo in her drawer.

The truth is, it isn’t unsanitary – unless a motherfucker never bathes and then his whole body is unsanitary.

In fact, there are more germs on a human face and hands than there are on private parts – like tons more.

Secondly, I take a minimum of two showers a day and usually three because I’m a freak.

Thirdly, this chick had two outside cats that she would let sleep in her bed. And my body hair is unsanitary? Her house also smelled like cat piss and menthols.

The great men of old didn’t even think twice about their body hair or their pubic hair. Women didn’t even think about it either until the last decade or two. Somewhere along the line, like the 1990s or so, women wanted their men to be just as pretty as them. Men aren’t supposed to be pretty. Maybe you ladies are lesbians that haven’t come to terms with your desires or it is easier for you to just make a weak man pretty since he comes with his own built in dildo that doesn’t require batteries?

If you want a man, embrace a fucking man. If you want a doll with a penis, have fun with that. I’ve written enough on the subject and I’ve got some serious muff to stuff.

Retro Relapse: 30 Things You May Find In a Man’s Beard That Aren’t Poop

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Recently, some asshole did some bullshit study about how beards are full of poop. That asshole was immediately put on blast as many came out to debunk that libel against masculine plumage.

Snopes, who fact checks the crap out of everything, even spent time debunking the agenda-riddled claims of a person who is probably a hairless feminist with a grab bag full of phobias (Snopes article here).

The fact of the matter is, if you are into facesitting or other ass-to-mouth sort of activities, you may just end up with some feces in your majestic beard. That also doesn’t mean that you can’t take a shower like a normal person after some intimate tomfoolery. With a good scrubbing, you can have a shit free beard.

The thing is, it is probably pretty goddamned rare that some dude is just going to have some shit chilling in his whiskers.

This is why I have comprised a list of thirty things that are more likely to be found in a manly man’s beard. And if any of these seem unsettling, you aren’t a manly man or wouldn’t be worthy enough to court one. And again, all it takes is a good scrubbing to clean one’s facial mane. Just be clean people.

So here are thirty things more likely to be in a beard than poop:

1. whiskey
2. beer
3. coffee
4. steak blood
5. scales from a devoured Alaskan king salmon
6. piece of a hot dog or sausage
7. a whole piece of bacon
8. tobacco
9. hot sauce
10. mushroom sauce from a schnitzel eating contest
11. toothpaste
12. soap
13. pine tar
14. motor oil
15. hay
16. drywall
17. sawdust
18. scorched bits of hair from blacksmithing
19. precious metals and minerals
20. slobber from our beast dogs
21. cat tongue residue
22. lipstick from an admirer
23. glitter from an aggressive stripper
24. sweat from doing sports or man stuff
25. old baseball cards
26. attractive girls’ phone numbers
27. broken shards from a devoured Rammstein CD
28. wild fur from headbutting a bison
29. diamonds from coal that wasn’t immediately scrubbed out
30. a family of new beards hiding in the safety and comfort of the older more robust beard