Film Review: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998)

Also known as: Nick Fury (Argentina, France, Italy, Poland)
Release Date: May 26th, 1998 (TV)
Directed by: Rod Hardy
Written by: David Goyer
Based on: Nick Fury by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby
Music by: Kevin Kiner
Cast: David Hasselhoff, Lisa Rinna, Sandra Hess, Neil Roberts, Garry Chalk, Tracy Waterhouse, Tom McBeath, Ron Canada

Fury Productions Limited Partnership, National Studios Inc., 20th Century Fox Television, 90 Minutes

Review:

“Contessa Valentina de Allegro Fontaine. Quite a mouthful when you try and wrap your tongue around it. Don’t let the blue blood fool ya, Pierce. Val’s an old hand at the sexpionage game, aren’t ya?” – Nick Fury

I remember seeing the ads for this on television back in 1998 and thinking, “Yeeeeeeeesh…” Because of that, I never watched this but I have seen some scenes and clips over the years.

If I’m being completely honest, though, there probably wasn’t better casting at the time than David Hasselhoff to play the classic Nick Fury in a low budget, TV movie that was, more or less, a failed pilot for a series.

Watching this now, I really like Hasselhoff and I think that he nails the look and chutzpah of the comic book Nick Fury pretty well. It just sucks that the rest of the production around him is really terrible and it actually brings down his performance.

If someone came up to six year-old me in 1985, handed me a Jim Steranko Nick Fury comic and said that the dude from Knight Rider would play him one day, I probably would’ve been beyond ecstatic. But alas, we got a picture that failed from top-to-bottom.

The plot is fucking terrible and makes little to no sense. For most of the movie, Fury has been exposed to a deadly toxin but it doesn’t even start to effect him till like the end of the movie, when he’s hunting down the chick that poisoned him but can also cure him. I guess the toxin isn’t all that bad if this dude can fight like nothing is wrong with him for half the movie. And if anyone knows the character Viper, once she poisons you, you’re pretty much immediately fucked.

Whatever.

This could’ve been pretty damn great and led to a decent Marvel Comics television show in an era where people would’ve really ate it up. Instead, we got a poorly written, awfully directed piece of crap, starring a guy that could’ve brought great things to the table if someone behind the scenes gave half a shit.

Rating: 3/10
Pairs well with: other Marvel films before the 2000s changed everything.

TV Review: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021)

Original Run: March 19th, 2021 – April 23rd, 2021
Created by: Kevin Feige, Louis D’Esposito, Victoria Alonso, Nate Moore, Kari Skogland, Malcolm Spellman
Directed by: Kari Skogland
Written by: various
Based on: Falcon by Stan Lee, Gene Colan; Bucky Barnes by Joe Simon, Jack Kirby; Winter Soldier by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting
Music by: Henry Jackman
Cast: Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Wyatt Russell, Erin Kellyman, Danny Ramirez, Georges St-Pierre, Adepero Oduye, Don Cheadle, Daniel Brühl, Emily VanCamp, Florence Kasumba, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Marvel Studios, Disney+, 6 Episodes, 49-60 Minutes (per episode)

Review:

Out of all the Marvel television shows that were originally announced for the Disney+ streaming service, this was the one I was most excited for.

That being said, I was severely disappointed and it kind of made me not really care about three of my favorite characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I don’t even know where to start with this awful mess but here I go.

I guess the biggest thing is that this show is woke as fuck, which I was pretty sure the MCU was gearing up to do with their entire franchise once Avengers: Endgame was over and they had the obvious intention of making Captain Marvel, an unlikable cunt, the focal point of the universe going forward. Now they’ve potentially switched gears due to immense backlash of the Brie Larson character and its lack of charisma or any real purpose other than trying to be a Mary Sue boss bitch. However, the suits at Disney want identity politics injected into Marvel even more so than what they’ve done with Star Wars.

Anyway, I guess the one big takeaway from this show is that I now know that Falcon is black. I never really noticed it before, so I guess it’s good that this show points it out to its audience about six times per episode.

The plot, which makes little sense, shows Falcon turn over Captain America’s shield to the US government even though Cap gave it to him because he earned it. But oh no! Falcon, who was given the endorsement from Cap himself, can’t be Captain America because he’s black. So the entire series deals with Falcon being mad that a black man can’t be Cap, even though he willingly gave that up when the torch was passed to him. So when another white dude gets named Captain America, suddenly Falcon is like, “Oh, hell no!” By the end, Falcon gets the shield back and is Captain America, so we’re right back where we started in the first place.

Additionally, whoever wrote this doesn’t understand these characters or understand actual morality. The reason I say this is because they have Falcon sympathize with the murdering terrorist girl over his own allies and against his actual mission. I get it, dude, she’s a confused teenager… but the fact of the matter is, despite whatever her fight is, she murders lots of people. But Falcon, he just wants to bring her over to the light.

Also, the terrorists have no real objective other than, “Shit’s fucked up! It’s America’s fault!” They have no plan, no actual goal, they just want to blow shit up and kill people.

Then when Falcon gives his big speech at the end, calling out politicians and leaders he blames for the terrorist girl’s tough life, he can only criticize and can’t give actual solutions. He’s just as stupid as the terrorists.

This show felt like it was written by a pissed off, rich, white teen girl that went down some social justice rabbit hole on TikTok.

Bucky had a good story when the show started but then it was dropped to deal with Falcon’s blackness. Then it was resolved at the end but you didn’t care about Bucky’s journey by that point.

Also, I was really looking forward to the return of Baron Zemo and finally seeing him in his mask. However, he only wears the mask in one episode for about five minutes.

Beyond that, Sharon Carter has a heel turn. It doesn’t make sense, it’s stupid and the only way to make it work is to reveal that she’s a Skrull. But then, the MCU fucked up the Skrulls too and made them babyfaces in Captain Marvel.

Sadly, this show is probably a clear sign of what’s to come from the MCU, which is hot garbage.

Like Disney’s Star Wars, I’m starting to lose interest with each new release. I guess I’ll have to see how bad things get with Loki when it debuts next month. 

Rating: 4/10
Pairs well with: white non-binary pineapple fembots on TikTok lecturing and shaming everyone, even though they’re not old enough to get a driver’s permit.

Comic Review: Daredevil by Bendis and Maleev – Ultimate Collection, Book 2

Published: September 15th, 2010
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: Alex Maleev

Marvel Comics, 461 Pages

Review:

This long stretch of Daredevil issues should’ve actually been better than the ones in the first volume, as shit got real dark, things were more action packed and this went to places I didn’t expect.

The reason why I can’t rate it as high as the previous one is because of the awful romantic subplot that actually sees Daredevil get married for a short time.

I hated this plot, the new love interest and thought that it detracted from a much better story about the shifting power in the New York City criminal structure and Daredevil dealing with that while also trying to work around the public knowing his identity.

The romance plot was just too much added into an already very layered and rich story. Plus, that stuff was poorly written and I don’t want to be that guy but I don’t think that Brian Michael Bendis understands romantic interaction above a college aged level.

That being said, Bendis’ writing is great outside of the romantic shit.

Also, I love Alex Maleev’s style and tone in regards to Bendis’ story. They come together rather nicely, even if it appears as if Maleev is tracing some characters and doing digital tricks. This was originally made at the turn of the millennium and artists were experimenting with a lot of new technology at the time. Frankly, I know he used Photoshop filters because I recognize them. Still, the end result works and I’m just a traditionalist that likes things done the old school way. This is why I also don’t like Pixar movies or that style of animation.

Out of all the different story arcs collected here, I think I like the one that features The Owl the best. I liked seeing him truly unhinged and trying to wedge himself into The Kingpin’s spot as crime boss. After that, I really loved the section with Typhoid Mary, as she’s one of my favorite Daredevil villains and doesn’t get enough love, in my opinion. She also looked great in this run, even if I still prefer her original look, as drawn by John Romita Jr. back in the late ’80s.

I love the hell out of Bendis’ run on this series and it truly rivals the great runs by Frank Miller and Ann Nocenti, who still takes the cake for me.

Remove the romantic, juvenile love shit in this story and this would’ve been a perfect Daredevil collection.

Rating: 9.25/10
Pairs well with: the other Daredevil comics from his Marvel Knights run.

Comic Review: Hank Johnson, Agent of Hydra – One-Shot

Published: August 26th, 2015
Written by: David Mandel
Art by: Michael Walsh, Amanda Conner (cover)

Marvel Comics, 22 Pages

Review:

Marvel is not good at comedy. Well, at least not in modern times and this comic was just a stark reminder of that. Modern Marvel’s comedy is about as cringe as Vince McMahon’s.

Anyway, I thought the premise sounded amusing, so I figured I’d give this a read, as it is just a one-shot.

The plot is about a guy who works for Hydra but this mostly shows his home life and how being an agent for Hydra conflicts with his duties as a husband and father.

The wife loves Hydra too but she’s annoyed by her husband’s life being ruled over by the organization. Their kids wear superhero t-shirts and go out on Halloween dressed up as heroes that made their father piss blood but that’s supposed to be funny.

We also get to see a funeral presided over by M.O.D.O.K., Madame Hydra sexually harassing the main character and Baron Zemo on stage emceeing a “guess how many marbles are in the fishbowl” game. Oh yeah, and Hydra kids have a little league game against S.H.I.E.L.D. kids because, you know, comedy.

This obviously exists in its own reality apart from the regular Marvel continuity but even as a standalone comedy, it doesn’t work. It’s way too absurdist and none of the jokes hit in the way that they are intended.

The art sucks too.

I’m glad I only wasted a buck on this.

Rating: 3/10
Pairs well with: I guess modern Marvel comics that try to be funny.