Film Review: Black Widow (2021)

Release Date: June 30th, 2021 (Madrid fan event premiere)
Directed by: Cate Shortland
Written by: Eric Pearson, Jac Schaeffer, Ned Benson
Based on: Marvel Comics
Music by: Lorne Balfe
Cast: Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, David Harbour, O-T Fagbenie, Olga Kurylenko, William Hurt, Ray Winstone, Rachel Weisz, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (cameo), Jeremy Renner (cameo, voice)

Truenorth Productions, Marvel Studios, Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, 134 Minutes

Review:

“[to Natasha and Yelena] You both have killed so many people. Your ledgers must be dripping, just gushing red. I couldn’t be more proud of you.” – Alexei Shostakov

I initially planned to see this in the theater but I was travelling for work when this came out and by the time I got caught up and was going to finally see it, it was gone. Also, I wasn’t going to pay an additional $29.99 to watch it on Disney+ when it would be free a few months later. That price tag is stupid, especially when HBO Max drops the new movies without any additional cost. But this isn’t a “bitch about how dumb and greedy Disney is” article, it’s a movie review about the long overdue first (and only) film about one of the greatest Marvel Cinematic Universe characters.

Sadly, this doesn’t live up to any hype one would have for it. Also, it’s five years too late and had it been made five years ago, it probably would’ve been a much better, much more coherent and much more entertaining picture.

Also, this proves that wedging a chapter in the MCU franchise into a previous point in the timeline, further fucks up and wrecks that timeline. Captain Marvel, Avengers: EndgameLoki and probably some other things have also done this and created serious continuity issues, not to mention, altering characters in ways that don’t make sense or ruins them.

If you can completely turn your brain off and watch this without questioning anything, it’s probably an entertaining spy thriller. I can do that with many things but not with the nearly 30th entry into a thirteen year-old franchise that features a title character that has existed in eleven of those thirteen years.

There are so many problems with this movie like its terrible plot and incoherent logic, the fact that Black Widow is apparently made out of titanium, Taskmaster isn’t in anyway Taskmaster, the main villain is by far the worst in the franchise and it has the worst pacing and editing of any MCU movie.

I won’t harp on about how a small prop plane full of bullet holes can’t fly from Ohio to Cuba with S.H.I.E.L.D. in pursuit or how secret intel is sent to a safehouse used by many other people after its existence was made known to S.H.I.E.L.D., Hydra and everyone else. I won’t talk about how the entire movie was a string of plot conveniences and contrivances where if just one thing didn’t go smoothly, the entire story would’ve been fucked. I won’t grill the filmmakers about the stupidity of a secret flying fortress in a world with the MCU‘s technology, Tony Stark, Skrulls, Kree, satellites and Google f’n Earth. I won’t bring up physics or how the human body reacts to explosions, smashing into hard objects during free fall or how joints, muscles, nerves and nose cartilage work.

So since I won’t spend thousands of words on the stuff just mentioned, I will talk about how the characters never felt right. Natasha’s family felt forced and just wedged in to her personal mythos. Where were any of these people during the events of Infinity War and Endgame? Not to mention the twenty or so other Black Widows that Natasha freed at the end of the film. Mathematically, roughly half of those Widows would’ve survived Thanos’ snap and could’ve been helping Natasha, who was essentially running the show when half the world and its heroes disappeared. Ten-to-twelve Widows would’ve been really helpful in the first act of Endgame and twenty or more showing up for the final battle with Thanos could’ve been a hell of an advantage, especially a Taskmaster fighting on the side of good. Hell, we could’ve gotten a Captain America and Red Guardian team-up moment.

Additionally, we never really get to explore her time in the Black Widow program, which I’m pretty sure was something that everyone was anticipating. So here we have a character that’s appeared in at least half, if not most, of the MCU films and she doesn’t really have an origin story. There’s the ridiculous opening sequence in this movie and a credits montage but beyond that, everything we know about the character’s past is revealed through clunky dialogue. Dialogue which may or may not be reliable considering the villain is well… a fucking villain and Natasha and her sister Yelena have both had their minds altered on some level.

Getting to Taskmaster, I honestly don’t care that the character is a woman and out of respect for her gender, I’ll refer to her now as Taskmistress. My issue with the character was that other than being able to instantaneously learn from her opponents and mimic them, she wasn’t Taskmaster in any other regard. Taskmistress is a completely different character created from completely different circumstances, devoid of personality, devoid of style, missing the iconic skull face and thus, totally lacking the character’s charisma and coolness. Taskmistress is just generic super soldier cyborg lady. And what’s even more distressing is that she is clearly a man until the helmet comes off for what was meant to be a shocking reveal but was honestly, more expected than my cousin Lindsey getting pregnant again.

Look, I like this character and I like Scarlett Johansson and her commitment to this character over what may be a dozen movies now. The problem is that she deserved a movie earlier than this and she also deserved a better story than this. Hell, she probably should’ve had three movie by now, just like the boys on the Avengers team… well, except Hawkeye but that’s another sore subject with me.

Through this, I also liked Florence Pugh as Yelena and I don’t hate the idea of her taking the mantle if Johansson is truly done with it. However, her being sent on a mission to kill Hawkeye for “murdering” her sister is retarded, as the Avengers are more famous in their world than Scarlett Johansson is in ours. Yelena would’ve known that Hawkeye was her sister’s best friend and teammate, as the entire world knows that they’re both Avengers. Man, the MCU is run by idiots these days but just look at what Disney has done to Star Wars.

Before I go, I guess my last bone to pick is in regards to Red Guardian. So we’re supposed to accept that this guy is a smart badass that has high technical prowess and is somewhat on Captain America’s level as a fighter and hero. Yet he’s Fat Thor turned up to eleven with a Russian accent and communist tattoos that make him look like a Portland SJW angrily tweeting from a MacBook Pro in a corporate chain cafe sipping an $11 coffee and eating a $7 vegan muffin. I’m supposed to accept that this slobby juvenile idiot was his country’s Captain America and that he has actual smarts?

Anyway, I’m glad I just waited to watch this for free… or with my existing subscription. It’s not as bad as Captain Marvel was but it’s honestly in the same ballpark. Everything in this is pretty forgettable and as we’ve seen, none of it mattered to the bigger picture of the MCU. At least Captain Marvel set up some things. Not things I specifically want to see but it had more of an effect on the franchise. I guess this will tie directly to the Hawkeye television series but Yelena gunning for Clint Barton is fucking stupid for reasons I already explained.

Rating: 5.25/10

Film Review: Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (1998)

Also known as: Nick Fury (Argentina, France, Italy, Poland)
Release Date: May 26th, 1998 (TV)
Directed by: Rod Hardy
Written by: David Goyer
Based on: Nick Fury by Stan Lee, Jack Kirby
Music by: Kevin Kiner
Cast: David Hasselhoff, Lisa Rinna, Sandra Hess, Neil Roberts, Garry Chalk, Tracy Waterhouse, Tom McBeath, Ron Canada

Fury Productions Limited Partnership, National Studios Inc., 20th Century Fox Television, 90 Minutes

Review:

“Contessa Valentina de Allegro Fontaine. Quite a mouthful when you try and wrap your tongue around it. Don’t let the blue blood fool ya, Pierce. Val’s an old hand at the sexpionage game, aren’t ya?” – Nick Fury

I remember seeing the ads for this on television back in 1998 and thinking, “Yeeeeeeeesh…” Because of that, I never watched this but I have seen some scenes and clips over the years.

If I’m being completely honest, though, there probably wasn’t better casting at the time than David Hasselhoff to play the classic Nick Fury in a low budget, TV movie that was, more or less, a failed pilot for a series.

Watching this now, I really like Hasselhoff and I think that he nails the look and chutzpah of the comic book Nick Fury pretty well. It just sucks that the rest of the production around him is really terrible and it actually brings down his performance.

If someone came up to six year-old me in 1985, handed me a Jim Steranko Nick Fury comic and said that the dude from Knight Rider would play him one day, I probably would’ve been beyond ecstatic. But alas, we got a picture that failed from top-to-bottom.

The plot is fucking terrible and makes little to no sense. For most of the movie, Fury has been exposed to a deadly toxin but it doesn’t even start to effect him till like the end of the movie, when he’s hunting down the chick that poisoned him but can also cure him. I guess the toxin isn’t all that bad if this dude can fight like nothing is wrong with him for half the movie. And if anyone knows the character Viper, once she poisons you, you’re pretty much immediately fucked.

Whatever.

This could’ve been pretty damn great and led to a decent Marvel Comics television show in an era where people would’ve really ate it up. Instead, we got a poorly written, awfully directed piece of crap, starring a guy that could’ve brought great things to the table if someone behind the scenes gave half a shit.

Rating: 3/10
Pairs well with: other Marvel films before the 2000s changed everything.

TV Review: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (2021)

Original Run: March 19th, 2021 – April 23rd, 2021
Created by: Kevin Feige, Louis D’Esposito, Victoria Alonso, Nate Moore, Kari Skogland, Malcolm Spellman
Directed by: Kari Skogland
Written by: various
Based on: Falcon by Stan Lee, Gene Colan; Bucky Barnes by Joe Simon, Jack Kirby; Winter Soldier by Ed Brubaker, Steve Epting
Music by: Henry Jackman
Cast: Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Wyatt Russell, Erin Kellyman, Danny Ramirez, Georges St-Pierre, Adepero Oduye, Don Cheadle, Daniel Brühl, Emily VanCamp, Florence Kasumba, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Marvel Studios, Disney+, 6 Episodes, 49-60 Minutes (per episode)

Review:

Out of all the Marvel television shows that were originally announced for the Disney+ streaming service, this was the one I was most excited for.

That being said, I was severely disappointed and it kind of made me not really care about three of my favorite characters from the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

I don’t even know where to start with this awful mess but here I go.

I guess the biggest thing is that this show is woke as fuck, which I was pretty sure the MCU was gearing up to do with their entire franchise once Avengers: Endgame was over and they had the obvious intention of making Captain Marvel, an unlikable cunt, the focal point of the universe going forward. Now they’ve potentially switched gears due to immense backlash of the Brie Larson character and its lack of charisma or any real purpose other than trying to be a Mary Sue boss bitch. However, the suits at Disney want identity politics injected into Marvel even more so than what they’ve done with Star Wars.

Anyway, I guess the one big takeaway from this show is that I now know that Falcon is black. I never really noticed it before, so I guess it’s good that this show points it out to its audience about six times per episode.

The plot, which makes little sense, shows Falcon turn over Captain America’s shield to the US government even though Cap gave it to him because he earned it. But oh no! Falcon, who was given the endorsement from Cap himself, can’t be Captain America because he’s black. So the entire series deals with Falcon being mad that a black man can’t be Cap, even though he willingly gave that up when the torch was passed to him. So when another white dude gets named Captain America, suddenly Falcon is like, “Oh, hell no!” By the end, Falcon gets the shield back and is Captain America, so we’re right back where we started in the first place.

Additionally, whoever wrote this doesn’t understand these characters or understand actual morality. The reason I say this is because they have Falcon sympathize with the murdering terrorist girl over his own allies and against his actual mission. I get it, dude, she’s a confused teenager… but the fact of the matter is, despite whatever her fight is, she murders lots of people. But Falcon, he just wants to bring her over to the light.

Also, the terrorists have no real objective other than, “Shit’s fucked up! It’s America’s fault!” They have no plan, no actual goal, they just want to blow shit up and kill people.

Then when Falcon gives his big speech at the end, calling out politicians and leaders he blames for the terrorist girl’s tough life, he can only criticize and can’t give actual solutions. He’s just as stupid as the terrorists.

This show felt like it was written by a pissed off, rich, white teen girl that went down some social justice rabbit hole on TikTok.

Bucky had a good story when the show started but then it was dropped to deal with Falcon’s blackness. Then it was resolved at the end but you didn’t care about Bucky’s journey by that point.

Also, I was really looking forward to the return of Baron Zemo and finally seeing him in his mask. However, he only wears the mask in one episode for about five minutes.

Beyond that, Sharon Carter has a heel turn. It doesn’t make sense, it’s stupid and the only way to make it work is to reveal that she’s a Skrull. But then, the MCU fucked up the Skrulls too and made them babyfaces in Captain Marvel.

Sadly, this show is probably a clear sign of what’s to come from the MCU, which is hot garbage.

Like Disney’s Star Wars, I’m starting to lose interest with each new release. I guess I’ll have to see how bad things get with Loki when it debuts next month. 

Rating: 4/10
Pairs well with: white non-binary pineapple fembots on TikTok lecturing and shaming everyone, even though they’re not old enough to get a driver’s permit.

Comic Review: Daredevil by Bendis and Maleev – Ultimate Collection, Book 2

Published: September 15th, 2010
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: Alex Maleev

Marvel Comics, 461 Pages

Review:

This long stretch of Daredevil issues should’ve actually been better than the ones in the first volume, as shit got real dark, things were more action packed and this went to places I didn’t expect.

The reason why I can’t rate it as high as the previous one is because of the awful romantic subplot that actually sees Daredevil get married for a short time.

I hated this plot, the new love interest and thought that it detracted from a much better story about the shifting power in the New York City criminal structure and Daredevil dealing with that while also trying to work around the public knowing his identity.

The romance plot was just too much added into an already very layered and rich story. Plus, that stuff was poorly written and I don’t want to be that guy but I don’t think that Brian Michael Bendis understands romantic interaction above a college aged level.

That being said, Bendis’ writing is great outside of the romantic shit.

Also, I love Alex Maleev’s style and tone in regards to Bendis’ story. They come together rather nicely, even if it appears as if Maleev is tracing some characters and doing digital tricks. This was originally made at the turn of the millennium and artists were experimenting with a lot of new technology at the time. Frankly, I know he used Photoshop filters because I recognize them. Still, the end result works and I’m just a traditionalist that likes things done the old school way. This is why I also don’t like Pixar movies or that style of animation.

Out of all the different story arcs collected here, I think I like the one that features The Owl the best. I liked seeing him truly unhinged and trying to wedge himself into The Kingpin’s spot as crime boss. After that, I really loved the section with Typhoid Mary, as she’s one of my favorite Daredevil villains and doesn’t get enough love, in my opinion. She also looked great in this run, even if I still prefer her original look, as drawn by John Romita Jr. back in the late ’80s.

I love the hell out of Bendis’ run on this series and it truly rivals the great runs by Frank Miller and Ann Nocenti, who still takes the cake for me.

Remove the romantic, juvenile love shit in this story and this would’ve been a perfect Daredevil collection.

Rating: 9.25/10
Pairs well with: the other Daredevil comics from his Marvel Knights run.

Comic Review: Hank Johnson, Agent of Hydra – One-Shot

Published: August 26th, 2015
Written by: David Mandel
Art by: Michael Walsh, Amanda Conner (cover)

Marvel Comics, 22 Pages

Review:

Marvel is not good at comedy. Well, at least not in modern times and this comic was just a stark reminder of that. Modern Marvel’s comedy is about as cringe as Vince McMahon’s.

Anyway, I thought the premise sounded amusing, so I figured I’d give this a read, as it is just a one-shot.

The plot is about a guy who works for Hydra but this mostly shows his home life and how being an agent for Hydra conflicts with his duties as a husband and father.

The wife loves Hydra too but she’s annoyed by her husband’s life being ruled over by the organization. Their kids wear superhero t-shirts and go out on Halloween dressed up as heroes that made their father piss blood but that’s supposed to be funny.

We also get to see a funeral presided over by M.O.D.O.K., Madame Hydra sexually harassing the main character and Baron Zemo on stage emceeing a “guess how many marbles are in the fishbowl” game. Oh yeah, and Hydra kids have a little league game against S.H.I.E.L.D. kids because, you know, comedy.

This obviously exists in its own reality apart from the regular Marvel continuity but even as a standalone comedy, it doesn’t work. It’s way too absurdist and none of the jokes hit in the way that they are intended.

The art sucks too.

I’m glad I only wasted a buck on this.

Rating: 3/10
Pairs well with: I guess modern Marvel comics that try to be funny.