Film Review: Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Also known as: Resident Evil 5, Resident Evil 5: Retribution (working titles), Re5ident Evil: Retribution (alternate spelling)
Release Date: September 3rd, 2012 (Tokyo premiere)
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Based on: Resident Evil by Capcom
Music by: Tomandandy
Cast: Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, Kevin Durand, Sienna Guillory, Shawn Roberts, Aryana Engineer, Oded Fehr, Colin Salmon, Johann Urb, Boris Kodjoe, Li Bingbing

Constantin Film, Impact Pictures, Screen Gems, 96 Minutes

Review:

“You were the only one to successfully bond with the T-Virus, to fully realize her powers. Well, now I have need of you. The old you. So I’ve given you back your gift. You are the weapon.” – Albert Wesker

Well, it took five films but I got to the chapter that was a big step down in overall quality. That being said, this was still entertaining and fit well within the film series, even if all its predecessors were better.

My biggest gripe about this one is that it is a total clusterfuck from the writing to it wedging in characters from every previous film and in some cases, multiple versions.

This one was hard to follow. I mean, I got the gist of the plot but dead people have been cloned, there are two Michelle Rodriguezes because when one can ruin an entire movie, maybe having two will cancel that out… I don’t know. But this was a narrative mess.

The special effects and fighting scenes are pretty consistent with the other films. It’s all a mixed bag of sometimes shoddy CGI and an overabundance on Hong Kong style wire work. I’ve learned to accept these flaws, at this point, because I’m five films into this and how dare I have expectations.

The highlight for me was Alice fighting two of the axe/hammer wielding behemoths, as opposed to just the one from the previous movie. However, this fight was over way too quickly and it does what this series has always done and that’s to take the big hard challenge from the previous film and turn it into a joke. I’m not sure if this is to show how badass Alice has evolved from movie to movie or if the filmmakers just don’t give a shit. It feels like the latter.

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far into the Resident Evil films series, you might as well just finish it up. This isn’t a total buzzkill, it’s just not a coherent story and felt more like poorly crafted fan service.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: the other Resident Evil films, as well as other horror video game films from the same era: the Silent Hill series and Doom.

Film Review: The Meg (2018)

Also known as: Megalodón (several international markets)
Release Date: August 8th, 2018 (Philippines, Indonesia)
Directed by: John Turteltaub
Written by: Dean Georgaris, Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber
Based on: Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror by Steve Alten
Music by: Harry Gregson-Williams
Cast: Jason Statham, Li Bingbing, Rainn Wilson, Ruby Rose, Winston Chao, Cliff Curtis, Page Kennedy, Robert Taylor, Ólafur Darri Ólafsson, Jessica McNamee, Masi Oka

Gravity Pictures, Flagship Entertainment, Apelles Entertainment, Di Bonaventura Pictures, Maeday Productions, Warner Bros., 113 Minutes

Review:

*I’ve been on a much needed hiatus but I did see The Meg and since it’s currently in theaters, I wanted to get my review out. I’ll be back to posting regularly next week, after Labor Day.

“Chew on this you ugly bastard.” – Jonas Taylor

I was late to the party but I finally got around to seeing The Meg. And too my delight, waiting meant that I was the only person in the theater… just how I firggin’ like it.

Anyway, The Meg is a stupid movie. The problem, is that it isn’t stupid enough. It doesn’t seem to understand that it is a dumb popcorn movie that would have been infinitely better if it didn’t try to take itself too seriously.

I mean, this is about a giant shark. It should be exactly what it was marketed as, Jaws on steroids. It didn’t need to be as insane and ridiculous as Sharknado but it needed to give us more shark and it needed to be more like a live action adaptation of Hungry Shark Evolution.

What I mean by that, is we should have got a megalodon swallowing boats whole, crashing the beach and eating 75 people just for sunbathing. This should have been a carnage shitshow. What we got was Statham being Statham and a bunch of other people needing Statham to pull them out of the water for being idiots.

In my head, in Statham voice, I kept hearing, “I save all the women and the stupid blokes who are basically women!’

Now, I was fine with the overabundance of CGI. I’ve accepted that we live in a CGI world when it comes to movies now. And to be honest, the special effects were really fucking good. Kudos for that, effects crew. But I feel like the film could have benefited more from some practical effects.

The first half of this film is slow and not exciting. The second half is like a different movie altogether. However, the first half needed to be fine tuned, whittled down and the whole film should have worked at around 90 minutes. All the bullshit science-y crap was so bad I was literally cringing in my chair but that also could have been the Tacopocalypse combo I had before the movie.

The big finale was cool for the most part but the carnage was minimal as fuck and the heroes got the shark away from the people too quick and easy. Then we got a sequence of Statham piloting a speedy submarine thing through caves and tunnels with the giant beast in pursuit. I swear to god, I thought I was watching the beginning of The Phantom Menace. If you’re going to ripoff a Star Wars movie, why that one?! Plus, they bested the big fish and then quickly came to discover that there was an ever bigger fish that, in that moment, ate the smaller big fish. Again, Phantom Menace, anyone? I was just waiting for Jar Jar voice to yell out, “Meessa told ya Mistuh Statham!!! Always a bigger fishaaa!!!”

At least this movie had a lot of cool people in it: Statham playing Statham, Dwight from The Office, Travis from Fear the Walking Dead, Longmire from Longmire and Ruby Rose, who apparently isn’t lesbian enough to play the lesbian Batwoman. Those aren’t my words, those are the words of angry Internet people.

Anyway, if you have to see this, do it on the big screen. If you don’t have to see it, don’t see it. It’s not a complete waste of time but it was a disappointment for someone who was just looking for some solid stupid fun.

I don’t know, go watch Piranha 3D instead.

Rating: 5.25/10
Pairs well with: Other recent shark and aquaphobia movies: The Shallows47 Meters Down, Piranha 3D and Piranha 3DD.