Video Game Review: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – Ubisoft Version (NES)

I’m going to start this review with a really bold statement: this is the worst game that I have played on the original Nintendo.

It surpasses the awfulness of Conan the Barbarian and Bible Adventures. This game truly takes the cake in its awfulness, from top to bottom.

To start, it’s the clunkiest fucking game I have ever played from the 8-bit era. It barely functions, the mechanics are horrendous and it caused me to lose about 30 percent of my remaining hair.

Just when I thought that Indiana Jones games for the NES couldn’t get any worse than the Taito version of Last Crusade, I decided to give this one a shot, hoping it’d be an improvement over that other piece of shit with the same title.

This also boasts some of the worst graphics I’ve ever seen from the terrible sprites, basic as fuck environments, boring colors and complete static backgrounds in scenes that need to convey motion (like the train level).

All in all, this is the worst game I’ve played out of all the ones I have reviewed for this site.

Rating: 0/10
Pairs well with: a ghost pepper juice enema.

Video Game Review: The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles (NES)

I have never played this game, as it came out at the end of the original Nintendo era and I had moved on to Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo. I probably wouldn’t have appreciated it, anyway, as I was into better graphics, better sound and hadn’t had good experiences with other Indiana Jones games for the NES.

Playing it now, this is the best Indiana Jones game on the NES console. It’s actually kind of fun and it has better controls and overall mechanics than the other games.

Now the controls can still be wonky and frustrating but as bad as the other games were, this is actually a step up.

Additionally, there is more than one gameplay mode. You do the standard side scrolling action stuff but you also get to fly a plane and drive a motorcycle. There are also cool locations. I enjoyed the train level, as you punch and whip your way through baddies on a train moving through the European countryside.

For those familiar with the G.I. Joe games released on the NES, this has a similar gameplay style on most levels.

The game is rather difficult, however, especially some of the later boss battles, as the amount of damage you can take is pretty minimal.

Ultimately, I was pleasantly surprised by the game and, for the most part, like it.

Rating: 6.75/10
Pairs well with: the other NES Indiana Jones games, as well as the NES G.I. Joe titles.

Video Game Review: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – Taito Version (NES)

Having recently revisited the original Nintendo port of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I felt the urge to revisit the first version of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Yes, I said first version, as there was also a second game released by another developer a few years later.

I don’t actually remember playing the one that was made by Ubisoft but I distinctly remember this Taito game and how frustrating it was.

Playing it now, it’s still frustrating and maybe even more so.

The controls are shit. Total shit. The in-game mechanics are wonky and terrible. Controlling Indiana Jones is like controlling an elderly person with a walker that can do awkward, seldomly landing, Taekwondo kicks.

The game itself is fairly easy but the stage with the Austrian castle is one of the worst designed and laid out levels of the 8-bit era. It’s a confusing clusterfuck where if you don’t know where you need to go, which you won’t, you just get your ass destroyed by Nazi soldiers waiting behind just about every door. It’s like a maze that punches you in the face at every turn, whether you take the right one or the wrong one.

Some of the levels could have been cool if this were made by better designers. The film it’s based on is one of the greatest adventure movies of all-time and provides a great number of action sequences that could’ve made for a really awesome game.

Instead, we got this clunky bag of shit.

Rating: 2.5/10
Pairs well with: pooping… but the runny, messy, unpleasant kind.

Video Game Review: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (NES)

This game is absolute torture. Still, I like playing it and it’s fun up to a certain point.

It’s absurdly difficult though, as the gameplay mechanics are horrendous and the jump and attack buttons are the opposite of what they should be. So often times, my muscle memory would kill me because I’d go to attack and instead, jump right into some f’n lava!

Also, I can understand bullets being limited… but swords? Every time you use your sword, you lose one and have to keep collecting more sword icons, so that you at least have enough to slay the nine dozen lava beasts that you need as stepping stones to cross the overabundance of lava pits late in the game.

On a side note: why do you collect guns, swords and TNT from the little kids you rescue? If they’re armed to the fucking teeth, why do they need rescue? The baddies just have swords, these dozens upon dozens of well armed children could blow these Thugee douchebags to kingdom come.

Anyway, the game is still fun even if it is maddening. It’s not too difficult for about half the game but eventually, you get to the point where there are so many traps and baddies that you’re often times overwhelmed and the shitty mechanics don’t help you slay those annoying bats and snakes.

Once you get to Wave 10, if you even get that far, you might as well give up. Even with the help of Game Genie codes, I’ve never been able to get beyond it, as the exit is damn near impossible to find. You’ll never get there with the timer working against you and if you have to backtrack through the massive lava stage where you deplete all your swords and guns, you’ll be shit out of luck.

Sure, some people have beat the game but there are also people that dedicate their entire lives to mastering the kazoo.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: the much superior arcade version of the game, as well as the more frustrating Nintendo version of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

Vids I Dig 099: Yesterworld: The ‘Indiana Jones’ Land You Never Got to Experience – Disney’s Most Ambitious Attraction

From Yesterworld’s YouTube description: Disney’s Theme Parks haven’t always had the presence of Indiana Jones, and the attractions that do exist have a long, complicated history. Today, we take a deep dive into the Indiana Jones attractions that didn’t make the cut – from an extremely ambitious Indiana Jones land at Disneyland, to a continually downgraded mine cart roller coaster at Disneyland Paris!

Talking Pulp: In Defense of George Lucas & Property Rights (in the form of a drunken rant)

*Written circa 2011 when I was running a blog about politics and economics. And well before Disney bought the franchise and made the Prequel Trilogy look like a masterpiece.

George Lucas is the man that nearly every fucked up juvenile thirty-something fanboy loves to hate. Now I understand that people have the right to be critical of someone’s work when it is put out there for public consumption but to hate the man as vehemently as many people do, is just absurd.

Many fans of Star Wars and Indiana Jones feel that somehow those franchises are theirs and that Mr. Lucas has gone out and ruined them. People truly feel that these massive franchises are their intellectual property and that they have some sort of ownership rights to them. Nothing is further than the truth. So when I read articles all over the Internet about how much of a greedy sick untalented hack George Lucas has become, it really pisses me off.

Now don’t get your tiny nads in a tangled tizzy, I’m not here to defend the Prequel Trilogy or Crystal Skull, in fact, as a fan, I have serious issues with these films as well but unlike the consensus, I don’t allow my dislike of some minor things that are insignificant to my life as a whole push me over the edge to the point that I am out for this man’s blood. I certainly don’t harbor the opinion that somehow his later work has bastardized and ruined his earlier magic. Even with some of the questionable changes to the Original Star Wars Trilogy, the films are pretty damn solid and to discount their greatness over Jar Jar Binks and wooden actors is in later films is asinine.

The Original Trilogy set the stage for what was to come in the future of movies. They were damn good films in every respect and they influenced nearly every person that has picked up a film camera since they came out. Star Wars forever changed Hollywood, the art of filmmaking and special effects. George Lucas, through his intuitive and crafty brilliance, upped the ante and forced film studios to catch up to his imagination and vision. The sad thing is that people often forget this when bashing a man that just wants to share his stories with the world. It’s quite obvious that George Lucas is a child at heart and he only wants to make us smile. However, there’s always an asshole in every group and unfortunately for Mr. Lucas, it seems as if the assholes outnumber the sane people in this instance.

I don’t really understand where this entitled attitude comes from with fans and I’m not just talking about Star Wars fans, I’m talking about fans of any franchise really. These people who get so disenfranchised with something they once loved to the point that it makes them spit venom at the stories’ creators is childish and narrow-minded. If guys like Lucas didn’t create and deliver their masterpieces to you in the first place, you’d have nothing to base any of this on. To curse a man’s legacy and the man himself, who has given you decades of joy is pretty disgusting and just shows how sad and pathetic some of these pompous bitches are. Hell, I still remember people being in an uproar over the Battlestar Galactica remake before they actually saw it. In the end, it was pretty close to being a science fiction masterpiece! Sometimes you have to spread your wings and fly and that’s what Lucas did. When series are rebooted, remade or continued on, it can go really well or really bad – that’s the risk involved but the person who owns the rights to the property has the freedom to do what they want with it.

No one owns Star Wars but George Lucas. For anyone to claim that they have some sort of right over the man’s blood, sweat and tears is ridiculous. He owns the franchise, he owns the characters within it and he can tell any tale that he wants to tell. The fact of the matter is that people have a choice. They don’t have to watch the new material if it isn’t up to their standards and fails to meet their expectations. These little bastard jitterbugs act as if there is some sort of magical gun to their head and that they are forced to soak up every bit of Star Wars that is released. Well people, you don’t have to do a damn thing! You can opt out and never look back.

The problem is that so many people put so much of themselves into this fantasy world that they lose a sense of their own reality and when things don’t go the way that they want, the fantasy starts to remind these sad people living vicariously through the fiction that real life is moving along without them. Nostalgia is a motherfucker and it only seems to exist strongly in those who are unsatisfied with what’s really going on around them. To have intense hatred for George Lucas or any great storyteller because their work becomes less than what it once was is pathetic. To invest that much emotion into complete fantasy is retarded. Yes, I wrote “retarded”; call the sensitivity police.

Kids today, and by kids I mean middle-aged nerds, just don’t seem to respect property rights. Of course, if someone thought that they could infringe upon or add their unlimited hysterical two cents to everything one of these hypocritical fanboys did, they’d have a serious fucking shit fit. Hell, they probably wouldn’t come out of their mom’s basement for several months while losing themselves in an endless one-person Skyrim marathon where the only way they’ll even eat is if their mother slides a plate of cold cuts and cheese puffs under the door.

The reason I feel the need to write this rant is because I’ve come across several articles lately that have stated that the fans of these franchises have invested so much of themselves into them that they truly believe they now have some sort of stake or ownership in the property. Yes, the property that they have never contributed anything to creatively other than writing their own shitty unofficial and non-profit fan fictions and role-playing scenarios dictated amongst their equally entitled geek pals. You people have no claim to anything and to think you do makes you look like socialist pussies who are convinced that the whole world and everyone in it owes them something just because they are breathing.

Fuck you people. If you don’t like something, move on. Hell, stop crying into your tauntaun sleeping bags and go create something yourself. If you think you know more about storytelling, science fiction and fantasy than George Lucas then go out and fucking prove it! If you don’t, then you’re nothing more than a whiney talentless hack yourself and I’d tell you to go get a girlfriend or boyfriend but the only people that would have you won’t leave their basements either. Create something for once in your life and stop trying to destroy someone who just wants to share their imagination with you. You people are the parasite sponges of the world that rape and pillage the ideas of those greater than you because you’re weak and can’t make something bigger than yourself that people will passionately care about. It’s time to grow up and stop acting like ungrateful cunts.

The truth is, George Lucas has contributed more to this world than any of you probably ever will. Besides, you’re the ones “torturing” yourselves with weekly doses of Clone Wars not Mr. Lucas. Guess what, you don’t have to watch it.

Accept it and move on. It’s fucking entertainment for chrissakes.