Retro Relapse: 10 Laws On Growing and Living With a Majestic Beard

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

People often come up to me and say, “Hey dude, sweet beard! Would you mind if I fuck it?”

Well, they don’t say exactly that but that statement pretty much sums up their initial reaction to my bold and luscious facial foliage.

The conversation quickly goes to “How long did that take to grow?” or “How do you take care of that precious pelt?” And then I spend some time educating people on how I do what I do and how I cultivate such a majestic mastodon of sexiness on my face.

Anyway, I thought that I should write an article about my ten tips for growing and maintaining a badass beard. People keep asking me, so now I can just refer them to this post and they can read it for themselves and pass it on to their friends in need of the God-like levels of confidence that can only come from giving birth to a cosmic man forest on one’s face.

So here we go, these are my ten laws for growing, maintaining and thriving with a majestic beard!

1. Don’t shave. As hard as it is accepting change in your life, don’t give in. In fact, throw your razors away and embrace your place in the universe.

2. Again, don’t shave. It takes some time to get passed the early growth stage but you have to commit to get to a better place. Bruce Lee didn’t learn how to kick God in the face by watching a YouTube video.

3. As it grows longer and fuller, don’t let any animals move in and make it a nest. Always check it when you wake up in the morning. I had an eagle trying to setup shop and drop some eggs around my left cheek but I put a stop to it real quick.

4. Treat it like a fine Persian rug and give it a little shampoo once in a while. Some manly dudes I know like to use beard oil. That’s optional.

5. Don’t mimic assholes like Jack Passion. His beard is a mess and I’m not sure why he is world-renowned. Of course, I wrote about that douche nugget in my article My Thoughts On Competitive Bearding.

6. Stop worrying about what people think. When your beard grows and your masculinity increases and you gain Thanos-like cosmic power, there will be haters. Why? Because weak punks will fear the power you now wield.

7. Just be chill as fuck. Why? Because after the haters rise up in your life, expect the women to fall at your feet like you are Brad Pitt with John Holmes’ dong and Carl Sagan’s sexy voice. You will embody true eloquence and your desirability will be enhanced by your grizzly bear-like essence. You are now the beastly lord of the forest. Let the lesser creatures cower and lick their bitch wounds.

8. Stroke the beard often. Enjoy it, feel its power and relish in the fact that you look like the toughest hockey player in the world and it isn’t even playoff time and you don’t even play hockey. And at this point, if your beard was hit by a flying puck, the hard rubber disc would explode into dust, as your beard is like a million whiskers transformed into a million Neos from The Matrix.

9. Smile and know that you have succeeded in becoming a full man. But as Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Rule your manly domain justly and with care. Just because you wield the power, doesn’t mean that you have to show it off at every turn. Face your daily challenges with confidence and pride and move forward in life – knowing that this universe is a giant oyster that you can pluck for pearls whenever the hell you want.

10. If you ever doubt yourself or your progress, look in the mirror, touch your beard and give yourself a sly, sexy little wink. Without breaking eye-contact with your reflection, pleasure yourself. Problem fucking solved.

Retro Relapse: A Checklist of 25 MORE Things to Ensure You’re a Manly Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Are you manly as fuck? Do you feel that the word “alpha” is a cute little term used by bitchmen who aren’t as evolved as you are in your rugged robustness? Do you think that this is a waste of time because you have nothing left to prove to yourself, let alone the Internet?

Regardless of all that, for piece of mind, it is still good to question yourself once in a while in an effort to further strengthen your already ironclad confidence.

This is essentially the second such list I have done on this site. Hopefully you scored well on the first one. If not, use that bad ass yet bodacious checklist, crush those items out and then come back to this checklist to further reinforce your man status.

Here is the checklist to see how you stack up in manliness. There are also five bonus points that can be earned.

_You have a thirst to be outside and regularly find yourself in the wild.
_You have shaved your own bacon from a nice pork belly *(bonus point if you hunted the pig yourself).
_You don’t put ranch dressing on pizza or buffalo wings.
_You can fire an arrow with good accuracy using a bow.
_You gave your beard a name and have regular conversations with him.
_Your presence improves and enriches the lives of those around you.
_Your beard smells like a combination of pipe or cigar smoke, whiskey and red meat.
_You have read at least five Jack London stories *(bonus point for ten or more).
_You like and enjoy eating meats that are more exotic than just cows, pigs, fish and chicken.
_You don’t understand what someone means when they use the idiom “good luck.”
_You can bench press more than the body weight of the average man *(bonus point for 300 lbs. or more).
_You have killed a bottle of bourbon in a night, on your own, and still maintained court, socially.
_You walk under ladders and then the ladder has bad luck.
_You know how to sail.
_You don’t know what a furry is.
_You support craft beer because macrobrews are shit and your mouth deserves better than beechwood-aged bullshit.
_You can fix your own shit in your own house.
_You have made something useful out of metal.
_You think there isn’t enough fighting in hockey and athletes in other sports are total pussies.
_You like the smell of asparagus in your urine *(if this item offends you, deduct 10 points from your total).
_You know how to properly smoke five different types of meat *(bonus point for ten or more).
_You own a bust of Charles Bronson.
_You have wrestled some sort of animal.  *(bonus point if it was for survival reasons and you’re still alive).
_You have made a shelter from stuff found in the woods.
_You are confused when restaurants don’t have steak.

Here’s how you measure up:
25+ points = You are a savior to men, you should lead them all to greatness.
20-24 points = You’re on the cusp of ultimate manliness; you’ve nearly reached the summit of the gods.
15-19 points = You need to work on your shit but don’t be discouraged, even giants grew from tiny ovaries.
10-14 points = Dude, for real? Stop shopping for doilies and punch a tiger in the face. If it swallows your hand, punch with the other one.
5-9 points = Stop fucking ordering appletinis.
0-4 points = Deduct whatever points you have because you don’t deserve them. You’re a zero.

Retro Relapse: The Cost of Living by a Code

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

As I’ve become and adult, I’ve realized several things about myself as the years pile on. One of those things is that somewhere down the line, I started living by my own code. It wasn’t intentional and I didn’t notice it until recently and it was actually a significant other that pointed it out to me but it is what drives me and what makes me who I am.

I am not stating that my code is perfect or infallible. I am also not stating that I am perfect and never violate my own code. Quite the contrary. Life, like the code, is a series of trial and error experiments that take shape throughout time. I am not claiming that I am better than anyone or that I have some secret formula at how to be the best human being possible. At the end of the day, I am trying to be the best that I can be by the standards, ethics and morals that I set for myself.

Do I win at that everyday? No. Everyday comes with failure but also comes with success. It is what you learn from that failure that leads to a bigger success ratio.

There are some issues one must deal with when one lives by a code. I wasn’t able to put some of this into perspective until I realized that I was living by my own code. The biggest issue, at least for me, is the fact that most people don’t live by anything other than reacting and responding to each situation in life as it is handed to them. Concepts such as loyalty and respect are lost amongst these people. In fact, borrowing John Cena’s mantra, I’m a firm believer in “Hustle, Loyalty and Respect”. Most people, don’t seem to know what that really entails and certainly don’t have the ability to even entertain the thought of such a simple concept or code. I’m not attacking them, I’m just stating my assessment based off of my own personal experiences.

It is hard when, on a daily basis, I am faced with people who violate not just these core principles but lack almost any sense of morals, ethics and a general understudying of what is right and what is wrong. I deal with it in life and especially at work. There is just a complete lack of character from the majority of people. Again, I don’t perceive myself as better than anyone but I do seem to look at things at a much deeper level and give a lot of attention to how my actions and my presence effects those around me.

While that is partly due to how I was raised, it has more to do with who I am at my core. Lots of people are taught these concepts as children but for many, it is in one ear and out the other and they go through life unaware of their complete lack of character.

For example, there are several people I work with who take advantage of the system in place within the office and look for constant loopholes within the rules and general company protocol. In life they take advantage of every shortcut and don’t have the foresight to understand how they aren’t developing certain skills and methods to be more efficient and better people overall. They take advantage of situations, which often times results in making things harder for their peers. More rules are instated, more challenges arise from these people and management continually tightens their grip. And it isn’t a natural need to fight back against some form of oppression or workplace fascism, it is just them trying to take the easiest route possible at work and through life at the expense of those around them. It is hard to name specifics without incriminating anyone.

In life, there are people who just have no concept of how they effect those around them. Neighbors who always fight – loudly, people who cut in line, people who violently argue over a typo on a coupon just to save another 35 cents, those assholes who walk into a quiet waiting room yelling into their cellphone about some girl with a “nasty front butt” – these are just a few examples of things I’ve witnessed over the last few days alone.

Then I have to think, how do people like this exist? How are they not annoyed enough by encountering other people exhibiting the same behaviors? How is this normal to them? How do they not drive themselves crazy? And why the fuck don’t most people have that urge to want to improve themselves and become better people? And by “better people” I don’t mean becoming ‘roided up freaks, silicone factories or the new owner of a 10 year-old German car they can’t afford.

Maybe at 35 years-old I am becoming an old crank or maybe after 35 years, my tolerance for juvenile behavior by most adults, especially those my age, is just so fucking baffling to me that I find myself wanting to stay in more and to not hang out with certain friends because I know a few certain assholes will probably be in tow. I have tolerance for stupidity but I don’t have tolerance for ignorance, especially from someone who is at an age where they should know better and want to be better.

I get it, we all have flaws, that is what makes us unique. We should all be able to recognize our flaws and want to work towards eliminating them. Perfection is not possible but to strive for perfection or at the very least, improvement, should be one thing that drives all human beings.

When you are a person that understands these things and tries to employ all of this, it is detrimental to your sanity when you see so many people content with being exactly the same (or slightly worse) as each day, each week and each year passes by. I’ve walked away from many friends because I got tired of hanging out with 21 year-olds in 35 year-old bodies. And yes, I do hold people to the standard I hold myself to.

When these people were still in my life, they would comment on how I’ve changed like it was a bad thing. Like somewhere along the line I sold out. No, sorry to break it to you, I just grew up and I faced the responsibility of adulthood and worked towards being self-sufficient, self-reliant and my own man living by my own code of ethics, morals and standards. I decided to always learn new things and to better myself everyday, so that each new day I was at an advantage over the previous day. And that is how the great people in the world and how men and women historically used to carry themselves. And people wonder why things have turned to shit and get worse with each passing generation.

And that brings me to my next point. The truth is, this really shouldn’t even be a “code”, it should just be the way people are and how they live and manage themselves and their lives. This is how shit used to be and why people from just a few decades ago could probably kick our asses in every way.

In Fight Club, Tyler Durden said, “Self-improvement is masturbation. Now self-destruction is the answer.”

He’s right because what the modern world considers “self-improvement” is a complete fallacy. And the “self-destruction” he referred to was the internal fight against the modern world’s false idea of self-improvement.

Retro Relapse: 25 Things Men Should Do This Winter

**Not quite winter but the summer list was popular, so I brought this one back too.

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

I did a summer list about six months ago. So why not a winter list?

It is winter time. Well maybe not officially, as I am ignorant on the exact day it starts. I live in Florida though, so it is summer here from early March through late October. It is hot all the time and it kind of sucks, honestly. Can we have some damned snow, please? Please, baby Jesus?! But it’s December. It is probably definitely winter.

Anyway, it’s supposed to be cold and snowy and whatnot. This changes the outdoors and makes things pretty exciting if you love adventure and pretending you are on Hoth.

So what should a beastly manly MFer do with his time now that he has several months off from the heat and humidity (if you live in Florida)? Well, I’m glad I asked because here is a list of twenty-five things men should do over the winter.

1. Dig a hole in the ground, create a fire pit and roast a large woodland beast over it for you, your friends and family.

2. Cut a hole in a frozen lake and catch some big fish. Then eat those big fish.

3. Like on my summer list, go to a National Park and soak in the beauty of your surroundings. Everything looks different in the winter.

4. Take a long weekend and go on a minor league hockey road trip. Go see the two or three teams closest to you. Or better yet, go see a string of games in Canada, where hockey is most pure.

5. Pretend you’re a Cold War Soviet badass and run around nude in the snow chugging vodka from the bottle.

6. Go to Kentucky and travel the Bourbon Trail.

7. Wear an old Irish fisherman’s sweater.

8. Chop wood for your own fire.

9. Brew your own beer.

10. Go camping. It is the most fun in cold weather.

11. Start keeping a journal. Write down your thoughts, goals and plans. Hold yourself accountable to your written records.

12. Warm up by making a lot of sweet love with your special lady or your special dude.

13. Rent a cabin if you don’t own one and be wild for a bit.

14. Spend some time doing those much needed repairs around your house, if it is just too damned cold outside.

15. Go on a multi-day hike – the longer, the better. Also on my summer list but again, things are much different in the winter.

16. Build a canoe for you to enjoy in the summer.

17. Enjoy cigars and pipes on those cold winter days.

18. Get in touch with your inner creative, whether that is painting, writing, blacksmithing, etc.

19. Cut down your own Christmas tree from the forest.

20. Sit around a campfire and read the written words of Jack London or Louis L’Amour.

21. Go skiing or learn how to ski. You want to be your own winter James Bond, right?

22. Take up whittling or model crafting. Use your hands so they don’t go cold.

23. Listen to bluegrass in a rocking chair with a jug of moonshine in your lap.

24. Perfect your cooking skills. Create a great seasoning blend for meat. Master jerky making.

25. Allow your beard to reach full maximum winter plumage.

Retro Relapse: 25 Things Men Should Do This Summer

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

It is summer time. Well maybe not officially, as I am ignorant on the exact day it starts. I live in Florida though, so it is summer here from early March through late October. It is hot all the time and it kind of sucks, honestly.

Anyway, kids are getting out of school and all that, so it is summer time.

So what should a beastly manly MFer do with his time now that he has several months off from slaying yeti and frost giants? Well, I’m glad I asked because here is a list of twenty-five things men should do over the summer.

1. Have a badass barbecue. Invite your friends if you want to share all that glorious meat.

2. Take a long weekend and go on a minor league baseball road trip. Go see the two or three teams closest to you.

3. Go to a swimming hole and let loose. Swing from a tree like Tarzan and hit that water.

4. Teach yourself how to throw a tomahawk.

5. If it is too hot outside, stay indoors and fix some of the things that need tending to in your domicile. Your wife or lady friend will be really appreciative.

6. Go to a National Park and soak in the beauty of your surroundings.

7. Learn how to make soap.

8. Paddle a canoe. A real canoe. Kayaks are canoes for babies and people who have Speedo rewards cards.

9. Get certified in some subject or field that interests you.

10. Go on a craft brewery road trip.

11. Chop some wood. It is a great workout and you get more out of it in the heat.

12. Go on a multi-day hike – the longer, the better.

13. Play some type of sport outside with your friends.

14. Learn how to shoot a bow.

15. Spend way too much money on fireworks.

16. Read a book or twenty. Better yet, write a book.

17. Start taking a martial art.

18. Travel to somewhere you haven’t been.

19. Kill a wild boar and eat it because they are assholes to pretty much every ecosystem they’ve taken over. Plus, they are full of wild bacon.

20. Drink too much bourbon.

21. Do a lot of push-ups.

22. Eat an exotic meat. Buffalo isn’t really exotic.

23. Go camping, even if it’s hot. We’ve only had decent air conditioning for like fifty years. Or travel to a cooler climate and camp there.

24. Go fishing for dinner.

25. DON’T SHAVE YOUR BEARD! Deal with the heat like a man!

Retro Relapse: A Checklist of 25 Things to Ensure You’re a Manly Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I’ve done posts about what manly men should own, things they should do on a daily basis to be manly men, as well as things that make them look like pussies. Also, I wrote about the 10 Laws for Growing a Majestic Beard, which enhances your masculinity.

This list however, is simply a checklist. It is a checklist to see how manly you are. Don’t worry, this isn’t sexist, as women can play too. I don’t need PETA (or whatever that big feminist group is called) to come down on me for being a savage bodacious beast attached to a testosterone-filled meat stick.

Anyway, I’m going to present these twenty-five things. Print this out and check them off or just do the math in your head. Because when you get to the end, you can see where you stand, as I will provide a rating system for your final number tally. If you can’t do simple arithmetic, you’ve already failed. Go hang out on the Strawberry Shortcake message boards instead of here.

I’m just kidding. I’m really here to help you become the best manly man that you can be. But you should know how to add.

But anyway, here is the checklist to see how you stack up in manliness. There are also five bonus points that can be earned.

_ You own at least ten flannel shirts *(bonus point for twenty or more).
_ You can hike a minimum of six miles on moderate terrain.
_ You’ve made something useful out of wood.
_ You get daily compliments on your facial foliage.
_ You own more than one bottle of whiskey.
_ You have never seen an episode of American Idol.
_ You have used a bone as a toothpick.
_ Your diet is 75% red meat and/or bacon.
_ You own a legit survival knife that actually does its job.
_ You can construct a tent without instructions.
_ You need at least a six pack to get any kind of buzz.
_ You can’t tell the difference between kale and the stuff used to decorate Easter baskets.
_ You have at least one friend that is a wild animal *(bonus point for an eagle).
_ You find a legit reason to use your multi-tool multiple times per day.
_ You own snake-proof boots and actually have a use for them.
_ You’ve worked out with a log *(bonus point for throwing it after the workout).
_ You’ve made a fire without using a lighter or matches.
_ You’ve eaten a fish that you caught yourself.
_ You can accurately diagnose what is wrong with your vehicle *(bonus point if you fixed it).
_ You can cook a stellar ribeye in a cast iron skillet.
_ You have chopped your own wood.
_ You have read at least five Louis L’Amour novels *(bonus point for ten or more).
_ You have good accuracy with a tomahawk.
_ You make ribs that aren’t just mediocre.
_ You can make at least five manly cocktails.

Here’s how you measure up:
25+ points = You are a mastodon of manliness.
20-24 points = You’re still a beast and on the verge of greatness.
15-19 points = You need some work but every grizzly starts as a cub.
10-14 points = C’mon, dude. Turn off Bridezillas and go put a gorilla in a headlock.
5-9 points = Stop buying Justin Beiber CDs.
0-4 points = Deduct whatever points you have because you don’t deserve them. You’re a zero.

Retro Relapse: Beard Oil: A Necessary Awesome

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

I never used beard oil.

Well, the thing is, I knew of its existence but it was just something I really never thought about or entertained. Also, the idea of rubbing a bunch of oil into my manly facial foliage just seemed unnecessary, messy and greasy.

You see, I’ve had a robust beard for quite a long time. I keep it well maintained and it has always just kept a nice shape. I guess it is harder for some men to maintain its beauty but it was never a cause for concern with me. The compliments have always been plentiful and I’ve never really had any complaints or negative criticisms.

The problem is that my skin dries out very easily. After four of five months of growing out my beard, I usually have to trim it down pretty far to let my facial skin breathe. This is also why I keep the hair on my scalp fairly short. As an adolescent in the early stages of puberty, I had eczema on my scalp pretty bad. As I’ve gotten older, my scalp still gets dry here and there but it is very manageable.

Talking to a friend who also maintains a majestic beard and has similar skin issues, I discovered that since he started using beard oil, he’s had less problems with his skin under his beard. The main reason, is that beard oil keeps things moisturized.

But still, I never really went out and bought a bottle. “Botanical” isn’t a word in a lumberjack’s lexicon except where gin is concerned.

Then Christmas 2015 came and I received a bottle as a gift from my cousin and his awesome wife. I figured that I might as well take the plunge. If I tried it and didn’t like it, I could wash it out and go about my life. Plus I wasn’t twenty dollars in the hole because it was gifted to me.

Day one, I screwed up. Maybe I should have read instructions or asked a friend but I put what was too much into my hand before rubbing it in. My beard felt like angel hair pasta saturated in olive oil. Although it smelled woodsy and leathery and pretty badass. I washed it out and applied a more moderate amount.

It was still a bit greasy for a quick bit but it dried. It then smelled glorious for the whole day. I didn’t even need cologne.

I have since used it daily, sometimes twice – if I am going out at night to woo female songbirds.

Since regularly applying this stuff to my man whiskers, my skin underneath has been perfect. No dryness, no itchiness, just loveliness.

So after a month and a half or so, I’m probably going to use beard oil for the rest of my life. It also provides me with the opportunity to try an array of products in an effort to find the perfect concoction and to review them, as I have been reviewing a lot of soaps and things like that over the last few years here on The Distinguished Grizzly.

I was never dead set against using beard oil, I just never had the urge. Now that I’ve gone down the path, I don’t want to live a life without it. And if you’ve found yourself disinterested, as I did, it is probably worth your time to give it a shot, even if you feel like your shit is top notch and you don’t need it.

It is worth noting that my beard is even shapelier and a lot softer. It was never uncomfortable or rough but now it is like a nice feathered pillow whenever I fall asleep at my desk.

Retro Relapse: 25 Things Every Manly Man Should Own

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Being a man is tough in this modern sissy age. There are those who want to emasculate us and make us more androgynous. They think that our testosterone-driven DNA is barbaric and neanderthal-like. Then again, these hypocritical people are the first to call a man a “pussy” if he doesn’t man up when they command him to. I call these people “women” (their actual sex doesn’t matter, as some have penises).

While women can try to have their cake and eat it too, I’m going to have my steak, a bourbon, a campfire, a pet bear I tamed to bring me fresh wild game and a big set of balls that I have to be cautious of in order not to sit on them due to their immensity. That may have been a bit of a run-on sentence but I am a man and grammar is just an annoying slut that you have to chin check once in a-fucking-while.

So while many men struggle with being men because the pressure of assholes telling them that they’re evil oppressors can be overbearing, I am here to tell you about twenty-five things every man should own.

Why should a man own these things? Well, because they make you feel more manly and if you use these items, no one can deny your true manly essence. If you don’t have some of these things, befriend a man that does and share with him until you acquire your own.

So here we go!

1. A backyard full of wood slabs to make stuff out of.

2. A bow. Because throwing an arrow is actually harder than it should be.

3. A bluegrass record. Emphasis on “record”.

4. A tool belt. Preferably one made out of the hide of an animal you ate, held together by duct tape and Gorilla Glue.

5. A collection of whiskeys large enough to rival the biggest liquor store in your area and to support the town’s drinking habits if zombies, orcs or sparkly vampires ever do raid your living space.

6. A saw. Any saw, really. Although you should make an effort at acquiring every type of saw and inventing a few new ones.

7. A doctorate in falconry degree.

8. A shed full of smoked bacon and the room on your property to expand it, if the need arises.

9. A very sharp cutlass to duel other men with. This is the best kind of cardio workout for a man’s man.

10. Season tickets to a minor league hockey team, as the fights are better and usually the shit beer is cheaper.

11. One of those giant Middle Earth eagles because airfare is free and there are no delays.

12. An old car engine used primarily for cooking slabs of meat.

13. A homemade industrial-sized cat tree to keep the mountain lions out of your manly hair when you are eating copious amounts of meat.

14. A beard thick, luscious and manly enough to grow its own beard.

15. An axe, a stump and a lot of wood. This is the best way for a man to stay in nice physical shape.

16. A house rattlesnake to take care of unwanted vermin.

17. A baseball bat. Preferably a Louisville Slugger.

18. A monster truck made out of wood over a frame built from the bones of a buffalo. Moose antlers on the hood are a nice accent.

19. A tomahawk worth throwing.

20. A few pet beavers because you never know when you will need to build a dam.

21. A copper still. The reason should be obvious.

22. A really good survival knife because toothpicks are a waste of perfectly good wood.

23. A self-whittled totem pole on your property that showcases all of your power animals.

24. A lion or tiger to ride because horses are high maintenance, overly emotional and harbor grudges. Also, big cats are better at climbing mountains and scaling trees with ease.

25. A hidden cabin in an undisclosed location to horde your extra meat, liquor and gold. Preferably guarded by two trusted Kodiak bears.

Retro Relapse: 25 MORE Reasons Why the Great Sasuke is the Ultimate Badass

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

I once listed twenty-five reasons as to why the Great Sasuke is the ultimate badass. I wrote that originally in 2006 for my then popular MySpace blog. I also reposted it here, about a year ago.

The thing is, the Great Sasuke <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> is THE ultimate badass in the universe. While many Americans might not be familiar with him, that is probably for the best because believing in gods can lead to very bad things like Al Qaeda and Rick Santorum.

Anyway, one should never doubt the Great Sasuke’s greatness and therefore should not believe that he is just limited to the twenty-five badass things I listed long ago. The number of badass things he does is pretty much infinite. These are just twenty-five more random items out of his catalog of ultimate badassery.

1. While on one of his many Mexican wrestling tours, he ripped open a piñata with a simple hand gesture from across the room.

2. He once punched through a gorilla’s chest, holding its heart out of a hole in its back and then replaced it – no harm done – in a matter of milliseconds. That gorilla was King Kong.

3. At a party, he crushed every level in every Guitar Hero game with nothing more than a spatula.

4. He often times water skis on the back of dolphins without a boat.

5. The one time he got crabs, he politely asked them to jump into pots and he then fed a village.

6. Every loss in his career was done in an effort to build up the confidence and spirit of his opponents.

7. He once climbed Mount Everest for better cellphone reception.

8. Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” is actually about a wall adjacent to the front door in the foyer of Great Sasuke’s Tōhoku home.

9. As a boy, he dreamed of being a fisherman but his method of punching the water for fish killed the entire sea within a three-hundred and fifty mile radius. Most of the fish rotted before his friends and neighbors could eat them all. It took months for the ecosystem to recover.

10. He wrote the original screenplay for Dirty Dancing but cursed Jennifer Grey into obscurity due to her poor portrayal of Baby. He rewarded Patrick Swayze with the scripts to Road House and Point Break.

11. The women of the British Royal Family routinely try to woo Sasuke in an effort to get him into their bloodline.

12. Kaiju were once real but the Great Sasuke ate them all one afternoon when they interrupted his sunbathing.

13. He once rounded up and returned all the souls Aborigines lost to photographs.

14. Mosquitos turn into fireworks if they bite him.

15. He once entered a supermassive black hole because he thought it could literally turn him into spaghetti. He walked away hungry and disappointed.

16. Robert A. Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land was actually written as a science fiction retelling of Sasuke’s years in primary school after being raised in the wild by dragon spirits.

17. The Dos Equis guy collects Great Sasuke autographs.

18. Hitler mysteriously disappeared when the Great Sasuke used him as a water balloon.

19. The Great Sasuke shrugged before Atlas was born.

20. He invented swashbuckling but Hollywood has never made it as exciting.

21. He once tried to power a steam engine with one bead of sweat: it exploded.

22. One time he picked up and moved Thor’s hammer because it was jamming a door.

23. Sasuke once parted the Red Sea for Moses with his billowing laughter.

24. Gary Busey is an insane person because he once high-fived the Great Sasuke.

25. He used to mount and ride velociraptors like horses but found their temperament displeasing.

Retro Relapse: 25 Reasons Why the Great Sasuke is the Ultimate Badass

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2006.

I have decided to give you all 25 reasons why the Great Sasuke is such a badass! <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> Since Sasuke is my favorite Japanese wrestler of all-time, I figured it was time to give him his due. And yes, I do own an authentic Great Sasuke mask from Japan (as seen in my old RCP TV projects from circa 2000). He is more badass than that pussy Chuck Norris. Fuck Chuck Norris.

1. Sasuke once uppercutted an earthworm through the ground from a different hemisphere.

2. Sasuke once destroyed all members of G-Unit in a rap battle with his mouth full of peanut butter and breadsticks.

3. Exclusive to Japan, Great Sasuke action figures were actually created by Sasuke himself, when he used a razor to cut off small chunks from his body. The chunks instantly grew into fully animated miniature Sasukes. They were sedated and packaged in time for Christmas.

4. Sasuke once choked out Rickson Gracie just by staring at him for 2 seconds.

5. Sasuke’s intense snoring is the cause of El Nino, the tsunami that took out India, the rapidly increased hurricane and tornado activity as well as breaking the Curse of the Bambino by resurrecting Babe Ruth just to bitchslap him back to Hell.

6. Sasuke was crowned the King of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula without ever setting foot in the state.

7. Sasuke wears a mask to protect mankind. If they were to see his face, they would then have the answers to all.

8. Sasuke gave David Lynch the idea for Twin Peaks and it’s entire complex plot with a simple napkin drawing.

9. Sasuke conquered four solar systems while he had a slight headache and a urinary tract infection.

10. Sasuke has handwritten every fortune cookie ever distributed.

11. Sasuke once held every single light heavy weight title in his sport (*see photo at top), as well as every title within the 36 known dimensions.

12. While wrestling briefly with ECW in 1997, Sasuke beat the entire locker room in a street fight gauntlet match in less than 8 seconds.

13. Sasuke can travel through the space-time continuum and inter-dimensionally at will.

14. Sasuke is responsible for writing David Bowie’s entire music catalog in less than 6 minutes, when he was 4 years old. It is said that Bowie still has enough songs left for another 13 albums.

15. As a token of gratitude, God allows Sasuke to periodically go into Heaven to beat down angels that don’t pull their weight. God offered Sasuke wings, but he declined as he can fly through the sky by sheer will.

16. Sasuke once ate an orphanage and all its occupants because a kid inside made a horrible finger-painted portrait of Sasuke.

17. Sasuke regularly has sex with Centaurs, which kills them… brutally.

18. On April 3rd 2002, Sasuke roundhouse kicked a tour bus in Osaka. It ended up in Nova Scotia 4 days earlier on March 30th 2002, where the tourists remains were collected and poured into large bags. Sasuke then drank them all on April 2nd, 2002 – a day before the infamous roundhouse kick even occurred.

19. Criss Angel has dope magical powers because Sasuke hugged him at a wrestling show in 1991.

20. Sasuke’s sperm is the key ingredient in the atom bomb. The atom is just a cover up.

21. Sasuke has been known to piss Chinese stars in combat.

22. Sasuke can stop multiple bullets with a single palm strike.

23. Once, while fighting in a juniors tournament in Japan, Sasuke snapped his fingers and all 7 of his competitors dropped dead. It was later attributed to overexposure to radiation.

24. Sasuke wrote such classics as Catcher in the Rye, Into the Sun, Dracula, Lord of the Rings, the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, the Iliad, the Bible, Hound of the Baskervilles, To Kill a Mockingbird, the original Star Wars novelization, House of Seven Gables, The Crow comics, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, most Hallmark greeting cards, Edgar Allan Poe’s entire catalog and The Da Vinci Code. He then went back in time and hid these works throughout the world for others to find and take credit for.

25. Since Noah couldn’t even carve a dreidel, Sasuke actually built and then swam with Noah’s Ark on his back for 40 days. He then threw it into a mountainside because Noah was a whiner.