Film Review: Robo Vampire (1988)

Also known as: Robovamp (Spain)
Release Date: 1988 (Hong Kong)
Directed by: Godfrey Ho (as Joe Livingstone)
Written by: William Palmer
Music by: Ian Wilson
Cast: Robin Mackay, Nian Watts, Harry Myles, Joe Browne

Filmark International Ltd., 90 Minutes

Review:

“Now that Tom is dead, I want to use his body to create an android-like robot. I’d appreciate you approving my application.” – Soldier #1

This is easily one of the worst things I have ever seen, hands f’n down. This makes all of those other Godfrey Ho movies look like Fellini films.

To be honest, I don’t even know what the hell I watched. This is a Godfrey Ho movie but his pictures are much better when he just throws a bunch of ninjas at each other. This saw a fake Robocop take on vampires dressed in ornate Chinese garb that bounce around like pogo sticks with their arms outstretched. I’m not shitting you. The threat is bouncy zombie dudes dressed like a maître d’ at a super fancy Chinese restaurant.

The fake Robocop suit is so damn bad that it made my head want to explode with confusion and bewilderment. But not a good kind of bewilderment. I think I made a better Robocop suit out of tin foil and duct tape when I was nine years old.

This pile of donkey dung was terrible in every way. The acting was atrocious. The dubbing was deplorable. The directing was reprehensible. The cinematography was nonexistent. The music was barf inspiring. Nothing about this worked in any way whatsoever.

You know how a bad movie can be sort of good because it is so bad? Well, this is so bad it made me want to take a rotary sander to my face just to hide my eyes from it.

One time when I was in third grade, I did what I thought was a fart while I was in class. I got a little surprise though… it was more than a fart. It was a fart with a wet, physical friend. That experience was less horrifying than this one.

So let me use that analogy to segue into what we all know must happen. Robo Vampire absolutely must be run through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Fuck you, asshole! I am not analyzing this cinematic calamity! – Sincerely, the Cinespiria Shitometer”

Rating: 0.25/10
Pairs well with: Bowel cancer.

Film Review: Ninja Condors (1987)

Also known as: Ninjas, Condors 13 (original title)
Release Date: 1987 (Hong Kong)
Directed by: Kuo-Ren Wu (as James Wu)
Written by: Godfrey Ho (as Benjamin King)
Music by: Sherman Chow
Cast: Alexander Rei Lo, Stuart Hugh, Timothy Johnson

Filmark International Ltd., 89 Minutes

Review:

Ninja Condors is a very shitty movie overall but like other ninja films that had some sort of involvement with Godfrey Ho, when there is action, it sort of makes up for the awful and abnormal shit show that the rest of the picture is.

The story is about this ninja who is in a clan run by a complete f’n mad man. The ninja decides that he wants nothing to do with that psychotic bag of dicks and rises up to reject the clan, thus painting a target on his back. It then becomes open season, as our hero and a buddy he meets, must survive a killer ninja horde and a killer ninja mad man that has a penchant for using chainsaws on pregnant women. For real, that shit happens in this movie.

Ninja Condors is poorly shot, abysmally acted and terribly written. It is a Hong Kong film that was given an atrocious English language dub that just adds to the overall absurdity and lack of quality. But the thing is, I don’t watch ’80s ninja movies for cinematography and a great story acted out by Daniel Day Lewis and Gregory Peck. No… I watch these movies to see fucking ninjas wreck the shit out of everything and if this includes the film itself, so be it!

Ninjas are probably the coolest thing ever created by billions of years of space dust compressing together and forming things. Don Johnson eating a bacon wrapped, bone-in tomahawk ribeye while riding an Elvis impersonating T-Rex, tattooed all over with Ferrari logos, still isn’t as cool as just one ninja from a mediocre ’80s film. And this film has a friggin’ horde of ninjas.

The movie is also full of fight choreography that makes absolutely no sense, defies everything any real scientist has ever known about physics and sometimes seems to be actually being played back in reverse. But ninjas have mystical powers and if I can suspend disbelief when playing Super Mario Bros. 2, then why can’t I just accept what’s happening in this movie?

I know, this movie is a cesspool of a lot of awful filmmaking faux pas but the fights just work for me and sitting through fifteen to twenty minute segments of boring, deplorable filler crap is worth the payoff when the violence gets going.

Still, the filmmakers could have made a better movie and there is no excuse for how bad the non-action segments are. I think I wrote better scripts when I was six and was inspired by Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow from G.I. Joe. Hong Kong really dropped the ball hiring me to write ninja epics back in my prime.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: Other Godfrey Ho ninja movies: Ninja Terminator, Ninja the ProtectorNinja Empire, etc.

Film Review: Ninja Terminator (1986)

Release Date: January, 1986 (West Germany)
Directed by: Godfrey Ho
Written by: Godfrey Ho, Warren See
Music by: Stephen Tsang
Cast: Richard Harrison, Phillip Ko

IFD Films and Arts Limited, 88 Minutes

Review:

“The ninja empire is evil! I have to reform the ninja empire! That is why I took away the Golden Ninja Warrior!” – Ninja Master Harry

Some movies are so bad that they are terrific. I can’t honestly give this film a good score, due to how awful it is as a piece of cinematic art, but I can’t just dismiss it as shit because it captures a sort of magic with its dreadfulness and the giant iron clad testicles it proudly wears like Mr. T wearing his massive gold chains.

Ninja Terminator is everything I wanted in a ninja movie before I even realized what that was. It is full of low budget ’80s cheese, badass ’80s violence, stylish ’80s ninjas, rockin’ ’80s tunes and a nonsensical ’80s action movie plot that no one really cares about.

It is about these three ninjas and how they are in pursuit of this artifact. The film involves a lot of fighting with choreography that is two parts confusing and three parts balls out, high octane, muthafuckin’ ninja action!

The acting isn’t good, the story isn’t important and really, this is just about ninja showdowns and ninjas running around looking cool as hell. For those who are aware of the old school website Real Ultimate Power, this movie is the epitome of everything that website is about.

Many people will dismiss this as a film that truly sucks. I understand why. Those people are terrified of reckless ninjas messing shit up for no other reason than because the world loves ninja mayhem.

This film is a clusterfuck of biblical proportions. However, it is a clusterfuck of biblical proportions with ninjas in it. Therefore, I rest my case.