Retro Relapse: Corned Beef Hash: A Swashbuckler’s Protein Shake

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Corned beef hash is pretty fucking awesome! Apart from waffles it is the swashbuckler’s breakfast of choice. I’d put country fried steak and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy right up there with it too but corned beef hash is more beneficial simply because it is easier to prepare and more convenient to the swashbuckler on the go.

The best feature that corned beef hash has, is that you can get it in a can. Pop that bitch open with your blade and dig in! There is no need to cook it, although warm corned beef hash is quite superior to cold straight-from-the-can corned beef hash. The amazing thing about cans is that you can easily bring them with you. Corned beef hash in cans is like pirate rations or MREs for swashbucklers.

It is also a much better source of protein than waffles, simply because corned beef is meat. Waffles are not meat so they barely have any protein. If you didn’t know, protein is pretty fucking awesome! So who needs a fancy protein shake or an effeminate protein smoothie when you can guzzle a man sized can of corned beef hash and be on with your day?

Another benefit of canned corned beef hash is that it lasts forever! You can buy a can, leave it on a shelf for a few decades, pop it open and it is still fresh! Now that’s convenience! One time I nearly had my arm taken off by a Kraken but all the monster got was the unopened can of corned beef hash I was ready to devour. Well, a few years later, I hunted down and slayed the mighty Kraken and my can of corned beef hash was still inside it’s gut! I ripped that squidish fucker open with my dagger and reclaimed my can of gloriousness. It tasted just as good as it would’ve the day I originally planned to eat it. This shit has to be made of magic.

Now there are several styles of hash out there but there is only one corned beef hash. Okay, well it can be prepared many different ways but the best kind is the one that has the consistency of dog food. That may be a gross comparison to some but if you’re turned off by it that just means that you’re a pussy and you should go eat a fruit cocktail for breakfast and leave the manly food for the men.

I like mine slightly warm with a bit of crunchiness to it.

So if you want a breakfast of champions, kick your Wheaties in the ass and go grab a can of this awesome meat and potato filled treat.

Now here are a few variations I like when I have time.

The first is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits and then top it with sausage gravy. I call this the Bantamweight Champion.

The second is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top it with sausage gravy, 2 eggs and cheese. I call this one the Middleweight Champion.

The final version is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top that with 2 eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage patties, sausage links, grits and then sausage gravy. I call this the Super Heavyweight Champion.

And those are my three half assed recipes. Now go grab a can of hash and pillage something!

Retro Relapse: The Story of Texas Toast

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Texas Toast is the greatest version of toast that mankind has ever invented. It was created by invading swashbucklers in the Texas territory who only had giant loaves of bread, butter and garlic at their disposal. These swashbucklers spent a lot of time munching on Texas Toast while fighting off Aztecs, Predators and American lawmen. It was their only form of sustenance in that region at that time. After swashbucklers virtually became extinct due to the industrial revolution and chronic allergies to oil, the Texans took credit and named the swashbucklers’ unnamed delicacy, Texas Toast.

Texas Toast is what helped the minimal Texan forces fight off the Aztecs at the Alamo. In fact, Texas Toast is the real reason behind the Battle of the Alamo. It is also what gave Texans big hairy balls and the gumption to wear massive hats and wrestle horses. Without Texas Toast, Texas may have been more like Oklahoma. Nobody wants more Oklahoma. Texas also got it’s massive size from the sole power of Texas Toast forcing the lines on the map to expand from it’s awesome force. This power has also been known to expel demons and poltergeists from Texas. Texan priests often use it to fight evil and it is given as the flesh of Christ in Texas churches.

Now Texas Toast is not just a local Texan treat. It can be enjoyed by people all over the world. Pepperidge Farm even makes a version that anyone can buy in a store for a pretty cheap price. Although quite fantastic, the Pepperidge Farm version isn’t anywhere near the iconic level of true Texas Toast.

Now Texas Toast is often served with dinner or even lunch, most of the time in BBQ restaurants. That’s great and all but I think that it also goes great with breakfast. Texas Toast dipped in the embryonic fluid of chickens, commonly referred to as egg yolk, is delicious! It goes awesomely with corned beef hash or as the bottom layer of eggs benedict. I love it with country fried steak too. Can you even imagine French Toast made with Texas Toast?! It’s awesome for breakfast sandwiches or any sandwiches for that matter. I wish subs were made with sub roll shaped pieces of Texas Toast. I may have to invent that but I encourage anyone reading this to beat me to it, as I have horrible follow through with fantastic ideas and inventions. Just make me one and we’ll call it even.

I don’t think I really need to keep selling you on the greatest form of toast in the world. If you haven’t had it, you have wasted your entire life up until now. You owe it to yourself to express your freedom and your awesomeness with a piece or twelve of Texas Toast, daily!

DiGiorno Design-A-Pizza Kit Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I do like DiGorno’s pizza. This isn’t a knock against their quality and what they produce in general, which is one of the best frozen pizzas on the market.

Recently though, they’ve come out with this “Design-A-Pizza Kit”. C’mon, man? Really?

This is a product that takes financial advantage of the complete idiot. Reason being, it is pointless and stupid. If you buy this, you have no imagination and are buying into some marketing ploy to make frozen pizzas more interesting. Fuck that, it’s a goddamned frozen pizza! How interesting can it be?

And by financial advantage, I mean that this thing costs extra. Yeah, it costs extra to put your own toppings on a pizza. Fuck that! You want to charge me more money, you better not be a lazy ass and you better put the damn toppings on! Why am I paying DiGiorno more money for me to do extra work? It’s like some sort of socialist welfare system where I’m paying these deadbeats out of my own pocket not to work.

Rewinding back a bit, yes, I attacked the imaginations of those who would purchase this. Why? Well because they apparently didn’t have the foresight and creativity to realize that every frozen pizza they have ever bought is essentially a “Design-A-Pizza Kit”.

You see, every frozen pizza comes with its toppings already on top of it. Sure, they don’t come in organized little pouches to make you feel special but ultimately, you can take the toppings on your frozen pizza and rearrange them (or remove them). They aren’t glued to the fucking cheese. No! You can physically move the pepperoni, sausage and veggies around however the hell you want. Why do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I guess that makes me the most creative frozen pizza-eating motherfucker in America. I’ll take that distinction and title with some serious pride.

There was one time when my ex-girlfriend was all like, “What the fuck? I don’t want meat pizza?!” So I took all the meat off of her half and added it to my half and that was that. She got what she wanted, which didn’t prevent her from still being a whiny bitch, and I got double meat plus other toppings. We both won, other than her attitude – her attitude was a loser.

The ads for this pizza just irritate me. A bunch of “hip” younger motherfuckers making smiley face pizzas with minimal toppings. Why would I want some bullshit smiley pizza? The assholes in the commercial wasted like 95 percent of the toppings. This is just some pretentious hipster pizza.

Really though, all irate ranting aside, how stupid is this?

I guess if you have kids and shit, it can be entertaining and whatnot. But seriously, if you want your kids to have a cool pizza-making experience, make that son of a bitch from scratch. When my mum was like, “Hey you wanna make a pizza pie?” and six year-old Rob was like, “Hells yeah!” my mum made some damn dough, rolled that shit out, tossed it around like some uncooked bread frisbee, hand cut all the toppings, made the sauce from scratch, shredded the cheese and then had me put it all together like some badass Italian Frankenstein’s monster that we could eat! It was a great experience and certainly way better than if she had pulled out DiGiorno’s “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and told me to just open the boring ass pouches and drop the boring ass contents on a boring ass frozen pizza.

Maybe I am overreacting here and reading way too much into this, making a big deal about something trivial and unimportant?

No, fuck that! This is a pretty asinine product and when I see people buying it, I will immediately know that they are escaped mental patients trying to blend in to society. You’re not fooling me you crazy bastard! I see your “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and I know that you’re an insane person!

This product just makes no sense to me. If it makes sense to you, you make no sense to me. That’s it.

Retro Relapse: Waffle House: America’s Greatest Institution

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Waffle House is the greatest restaurant in the history of the world! Now some of you pansies may be scoffing at that statement but it is only because you don’t know how to properly party, get trashed and cut your budding hangover off with an All-Star Breakfast. Now I’m not advocating drinking and driving, you better make sure that you have a designated driver who will take you to one of these awesome yellow buildings wedged between your closest Interstate highway and Texaco filling station.

Enough with the introduction; now let me elaborate on my opening statement.

Waffle House is an American institution. It has been a part of this wonderful country since 1955 when the first location opened up in Avondale Estates, Georgia (a state I can never avoid getting a ticket in). If it were opened around the time of the American Revolution, you can sure bet that the Founding Fathers would’ve eaten there regularly. No modern president has probably been in one because most of them have been pussies; I’ll leave it open for you to decide which of the few weren’t.

Ever since I was a young man, I have frequented Waffle Houses all over the southeastern part of the United States. They have provided two really awesome things in my life.

The first thing that they gave me was a quick and tasty meal while traveling long hours to and fro.

The second thing was weird random encounters with strangers in the night, which almost felt like characters that were going to give me some sort of side mission to sway me from the main quest I was on. If anything, it added quality hours to the gameplay of life.

However, the greatest thing of all is that they serve the world’s best waffles. I don’t care what your argument may be; NO ONE can give you a better waffle. Waffles were around long before this illustrious organization. Although, once Waffle House came on the scene, muthafuckas had to step their game up! Now you can argue that your mom makes sweet ass waffles or that you had some insane Belgium waffle in Belgium that my homies from Georgia couldn’t touch, but all that means is that you’re either a mama’s boy or someone who wouldn’t even go into a Waffle House. Either way, you’re a bitch.

My boy Greg and I have probably been through Waffle House hundreds of times since the start of our heterosexual partnership, and every time we roll through, we feel more powerful, like Hal Jordan after he charges his ring. He and I practically lived off of Waffle House for three to four months in the early parts of 2003. We were on a budget and we recognized greatness. Our experience there was so memorable, that it created a certain feeling of nostalgia just talking about those days at Waffle House. Fortunately for us, Waffle House is still there, unchanged, offering us the opportunity to step into the past.

Waffle House is a fucking time machine!

Now earlier, I mentioned the All-Star Breakfast. This is the single greatest menu item that one can order in the world! It consists of two eggs (any style), hashbrowns or grits, toast, sausage or bacon and a waffle. The only thing that could make it better, is if it offered bacon and sausage. I order it with bacon and then order a side of sausage, so I win big anyway. I also triple the hashbrowns and add cheese, onions and chili to them. I call my modified combo meal the Rob-Star Breakfast.

Greg orders some sandwich thing, but we can’t all be perfect.

Now, if you’re a drinker, there is no better hangover cure than Waffle House. A bottle of Two Fingers or Gilby’s Gin can’t stop the might of a Waffle House meal at three or four in the morning. You’ll wake up with a stomachache but drop one deuce and it’s gone. It’s not a lingering stomach issue; it’s just cleaning you out. Wipe your ass, look in the mirror and smile because surprise! No hangover!

I have also had many short lived relations with women that either worked at Waffle House or who I drunkenly met at Waffle House. But mostly ones that worked there, if you’re keeping score; I certainly am. In any event, that’s a tale for another blog.

So, in closing, waffles are the best breakfast food ever and breakfast food is better than lunch food and dinner food combined. With that said, waffles are the single greatest food item one could ever ingest. So why wouldn’t you get them at a restaurant named after them? Waffle House kicks Capital Grille in the tits! And IHOP is for lamers. Step up to the plate, be a real American and tear into that sticky flaky fun cake!

So who’s hungry? I need my fix now.

Filet Mignon Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

So filet mignon.. lord, this is long overdue but I mentioned about how I was going to discuss this cut of meat several weeks ago but still haven’t yet apart from a mouse maze I drew (see below) and a meatku (a.k.a. a “meat haiku”) where I lambasted it (also see below). Well, here goes.

Filet mignon is regarded by many, if not most, to be the supreme cut of beef that one can get. It is expensive, small and despite how much there actually is in a cow, it is perceived as rare.

Fuck all that! A beef tenderloin is pretty damn big and filet mignon is just cut up beef tenderloin. It is readily available in decent sized portions. People need to stop looking at it like it’s a magical unicorn ovary. But speaking of portions, a beef tenderloin is like the size of a young elephant’s trunk, so why just cut it into small filet mignon meat discs? Fuck you cowboys! Give me the whole goddamned tenderloin with a barrel of Peter Luger sex sauce and I’m good! 6 oz. cut? Are you out of your everliving fucking mind?

Now filet mignon gets its appeal because out of all cuts of beef, it has the least amount of fat. It is also tiny, which just means that it is the perfect red meat meal for wannabe high class white bitches to chew vehemently as they pound some piss colored swill they call sauvignon blanc, puffing on Capris, waiting for the fondue cart to roll by. This is a Weight Watchers steak and should be avoided if other cuts are available to you such as ribeyes, porterhouses, New York strips, t-bones, etc.

So while these white bitches gnaw on this cut, as they slice through it surgically – making tiny white girl morsels, I am reminded – by witnessing this – just how overrated and lame filet mignon really is. Anyone with any sort of knowledge about food should be aware of two very common sense things in regards to life. 1.) Fat = Flavor. 2.) Small portions are for tiny birds with fruity looking feather arrays. With that being said, filet mignon violates both of these crucial laws.

It severely lacks the flavor of the most superior cut: ribeye. Also, it is tinier than a squirrel’s penis. And on top of that, it is more expensive than any other cut. If you gravitate towards filet mignon, you need to understand that you are gullible and susceptible to other grand deceptions like religion, politics and NBC’s The Voice.

Filet mignon is bullshit. It’s a waste of your time, your money and a cow’s resources. Funny thing is, I recently read a blog on Thrillist where it asked what popular meat is most overrated and almost unanimously, the world’s best chefs stated “filet mignon”. Why? Because once again, filet mignon – as a concept, as an ideal, as a belief is complete and utter bullshit.

If some of you who read this still love filet, let me pose this question: if you have a pork tenderloin and cut a one inch thick circular bit out of the middle of it, do you call that pork mignon? No! Because it is pork fucking tenderloin! That’s why filet mignon is the worst lie ever sold!

P.S.: The word “mignon” is French, which should already raise masculinity’s eyebrow a bit. Also, “mignon” translates in English to “cute” and “dainty”. Man the fuck up, America! And yes women, you need to man the fuck up too!

A meatku I wrote about filet mignon:
Overrated bitch!
Slightly flavorless and dry.
No fat, white girl steak.

Quotes by world renown chefs on filet mignon (taken from Thrillist):

It’s one-dimensional. Give me a shoulder or a piece of chuck, and I’ll give you something that’s really rich in flavor.” – John Besh: James Beard Award winner behind August, The American Sector, LÜKE (NOLA) and so many more

It’s boring and has very little flavor.” – Tom Colicchio: Top Chef Judge, the man behind Craft, Craftsteak, Colicchio & Sons and more

There’s not much flavor and not a lot of fat. It was classic back in the day, and obviously it’s expensive, but it’s not a flavorful piece of meat to me. There’s a time and a place for it, but there are much better cuts.” – Josh Capon: NYCWFF Burger Bash Winner, Exec. Chef at Lure Fishbar, B&B Winepub and El Toro Blanco (NYC)

It’s trash. It is a non-working muscle, which makes it super-tender (because the cow doesn’t use it), but has no flavor and is only palatable when forced on a long airplane ride.” – Michael White: Exec. Chef of Marea, Ai Fiori, Osteria Morini, Nicoletta (NYC)

There is very little marbling and not a lot of fat, which means less flavor.” – Bill Telepan: Exec. Chef, Telepan (NYC)

Book Review: ‘Bacon: A Love Story’ by Heather Lauer

*Written in 2014.

This is a book about bacon. It is also written by the original bacon blogger, Heather Lauer. Her awesome blog Bacon Unwrapped is here.

Bacon: A Love Story, A Salty Survey of Everybody’s Favorite Meat is an epic read for lovers of the infamous and tastiest of all of the meats available on this planet we call Earth.

Now while I say epic, the book is actually a hair over 200 pages. While that may seem too short to be a proper epic, the amount of information and knowledge within those pages is immense.

Several subjects on bacon are covered, from cooking and curing with time honored traditions and how bacon has been a force within pop culture. There are lists of chefs and venues that share the love of bacon and the book contains a multitude of baconcentric recipes. There are random bacon facts and comedic bits also sprinkled throughout this literary masterpiece. There is a lot to take in but if you worship bacon, as I and the author do, you will appreciate every page and every word of this book.

I don’t know if Heather Lauer is married but to put it bluntly, she has won over my mind and my stomach.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: Everyone Loves Bacon by Kelly Dipucchio and Eric Wright