Film Review: The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Release Date: August 5th, 2005
Directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar
Written by: John O’Brien, Jonathan L. Davis
Based on: characters created by Gy Waldron
Music by: Nathan Barr
Cast: Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott, Jessica Simpson, Burt Reynolds, Willie Nelson, David Koechner, M. C. Gainey, Lynda Carter, James Roday, Joe Don Baker

Village Roadshow Pictures, Warner Bros., 104 Minutes

Review:

“Derp, derp, derp, (expletive) derp!” – Everyone in the film

Man, what a pile of absolute shit this was.

Okay, let me say that I wasn’t expecting much, which is probably why I waited twelve years to watch a film based off of a television show I used to love. This also features some actors I like, so I was expecting, at the very least, something a bit better than total shit. But no, this is total shit.

The story is just a jumbled mess of scenes that are fairly nonsensical and for the most part, don’t advance the plot. This is just a film about gags and every now and then, we are reminded of some sort of narrative framework that is supposed to pull all this together. However, Knoxville’s Jackass movies have more of a unified narrative than this movie.

The film brings together Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, two guys who have amused me in the past and who should have been pretty good together. However, with such a bad script and nearly non-existent direction, The Dukes of Hazzard makes Joe Dirt 2 look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I mean, this film’s script is so bad, that I wouldn’t even give it to Kim Jung Un to use as toilet paper. It’s the worst script I’ve seen that has actually gone before the camera in a really long time. Burt Reynolds and Willie Nelson should have been smarter than to have been in this fully loaded shit sandwich with a side of shitato salad and a 20 oz. cup Diet Dr. Shitter. Strangely, Nelson came back for a direct-to-video sequel.

This movie was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I tried to just focus on the beauty of Jessica Simpson but then she kept talking and I was reminded that this is a girl that doesn’t know the difference between tuna and chicken.

Of course this has to go through the Cinespiria Shitometer. The results read, “Type 3 Stool: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface.”

Rating: 1.5/10

Film Review: Krampus (2015)

Release Date: November, 30th 2015 (Los Angeles Premiere)
Directed by: Michael Dougherty
Written by: Todd Casey, Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields
Based on: the character of Krampus from Germanic folklore
Music by: Douglas Pipes
Cast: Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tolman, Conchata Ferrell, Emjay Anthony, Stefania LaVie Owen, Krista Stadler

Legendary Pictures, Zam Pictures, Universal Pictures, 98 Minutes

krampusReview:

I was pretty enthused when I first heard of this holiday themed horror film, as it was being made by Michael Dougherty, the creator and director of the Halloween themed horror anthology film Trick ‘r Treat.

Essentially, this film plays like a companion piece to Trick ‘r Treat but suffers from having a PG-13 rating. Trick ‘r Treat was an R-rated film and thus had a good amount of gore and horror violence. Krampus certainly went further outside of the PG-13 realm than I anticipated, as it did show bad things happening to actual kids. However, most of the bad stuff is implied here, as opposed to unfolding visually on the screen.

Also, the rating made the film predictable. Reason being, as soon as I saw bad things happening to children, I knew that somehow it would all be undone. What felt like real risks being taken by the film ended up being temporary and the movie played it safe. Maybe that’s the studio’s fault. Maybe they didn’t want to go too far because it is still a Christmas themed film and the message was about never letting go of the Christmas spirit. While that’s nice and all, I could just go watch It’s A Wonderful Life or a hundred other movies that already tackled the subject.

Now I don’t want to paint this film in too much of a negative light. I’m hoping the home video release comes with an unrated version. That would certainly be ideal for horror purists and those of us who liked Dougherty’s Trick ‘r Treat.

All in all, it was still a really good movie with a good cast. Adam Scott, David Koechner and Toni Collette gave the film some credibility. It wasn’t a forgettable horror picture with unknowns.

Dougherty’s visual style is also solid and works well at being scary and fantastical. The character design of Krampus and his many minions was pretty cool and imaginative. It reminded me of early Tim Burton work – before his style became more of an unintentional parody of itself. My only complaint visually, is that sometimes Dougherty tends to rely on CGI in places were practical effects would serve the purpose better.

Krampus is enjoyable. It is fun as hell, especially when the shit really hits the fan. It is bizarre, crazy and a bit insane. Now, if it just wasn’t PG-13 and concerned with playing it safe, we may have had a true classic.

Besides, Gremlins was a Christmas horror classic that showed violence and murder and it was rated PG! And that was in 1984! I saw it in the theater when I was five and I walked away just fine. Hell, I had the Happy Meal toys!

Rating: 8/10