Retro Relapse: Chick-Fil-A: A Swashbucklingly Good Breakfast

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Chick-Fil-A is pretty tits all around. Their nuggets are pretty awesome, their sandwiches are on point and they may have the greatest cole slaw next to KFC’s (it’s a toss up).

However, where they truly excel at is breakfast. Ignoring the fact that they don’t offer waffles, Chick-Fil-A is the greatest establishment for breakfast via a drive-thru window. Everything that they have for breakfast is pretty damn choice. I’ve yet to have an item that was just… meh.

My favorite thing is definitely the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. This is the best breakfast sandwich available that I’ve ever had access to. The biscuits are perfect, the egg is just the right amount, the cheese is well… cheese and the sausage patty is damn near perfect. Being thicker than most patties on fast food breakfast sandwiches, the sausage is just the right size and just the right flavor. It’s not overpowering like sausage from Burger King or McDonald’s. It also compliments the mixture of egg, biscuit and cheese perfectly. This sandwich literally melts in your mouth and is unrivaled in the fast food industry, as far as I am concerned.

My next favorite item is the hashbrowns. The only complaint I have of these, is that I wish you got more (which is why I always order two). The Chick-Fil-A hasbrowns are usually always fried just right and are extra crunchy. The oil they use gives them a better flavor and they almost taste cleaner and less greasy than the competition’s sorry excuse for hashbrowns. The only thing that may throw off the non-hashie connoisseur is the fact that the hashbrowns are like Burger King’s in shape: kind of like tater tots or crowns. I like this shape of hashbrown, however, and Chick-Fil-A does them the best.

Other notable items are the chicken biscuit and the bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. Both of these I have had and have thoroughly enjoyed. The chicken biscuit is better than the cheap knockoffs that BK and Mickey D’s tried to come out with a few years back. In fact, any other fast food chain with a chicken biscuit should be slapped with a lawsuit. The bacon, egg and cheese biscuit is nearly as good as its counterpart: the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But again, I am a bigger fan of the sausage one.

When it comes down to it, most swashbucklers prefer Chick-Fil-A. They are friendly to our kind and most of them have sweet ball pits. Although, most swashbucklers are too big for the ball pit according to their lame sign. In any event, Chick-Fil-A is still pretty awesome, especially for breakfast.

The only downside is that I only seem to crave Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Well, they are closed on Sunday because Jesus doesn’t like to eat after church or something like that. I think they should be open and that they are losing a lot of business by not being open. Hell, what do I know. I’ve never owned a business unless you count that time that I was selling Japanese wrestling tapes out of my grandmum’s garage. I was banking some sweet cash back then!

Vids I Dig 011: Comic Tropes: The History and Techniques of Comic Book Lettering

This is one of my favorite videos by Chris Piers of Comic Tropes.

From Comic Tropes’ YouTube description: There’s a certain look to most text in comic books. This video takes a look at how that was created and evolved, from using lettering guides and individual styles to perfecting the templates and fonts in digital lettering.

Documentary Review: Won’t You Be My Neighbor? (2018)

Release Date: January 19th, 2018 (Sundance)
Directed by: Morgan Neville
Music by: Jonathan Kirkscey

Tremolo Productions, Focus Features, 93 Minutes

Review:

This was a highly lauded documentary when it came out at last year’s Sundance Film Festival. I heard about it almost immediately but I didn’t get to see it till now, as it is streaming through HBO, which I happen to have at the moment.

I grew up watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood but then, what kid in America didn’t? But because of this, I always felt close to Fred Rogers. I mean, he was a part of my daily life during my developmental years and I continued to see him often, as younger kids in my family also grew up watching the show.

It was really nice seeing this, as it does take a real intimate look at the show and Fred Rogers, the man. This does a great job of being both a biography film of Rogers personal life, as well as a behind the scenes look at the show’s development, production and legacy.

I learned a lot about Rogers and who the man was. I, like most people, always wondered if he was a character or if he was just being himself. Now I have no doubts that the man we all grew up with was the authentic Fred Rogers.

The documentary gives a lot of speaking time for several people from Rogers’ professional and personal lives. All of them had nothing but love and admiration and while that may make the skeptic wonder as to whether this was just some sort of puff piece or not, I think that Rogers truly touched everyone around him.

I love showbiz documentaries but this was a rare gem in that it delved into a part of showbiz that isn’t really examined.

Rating: 8.25/10
Pairs well with: other recent biographical documentaries featured on HBO.

Big Sunglasses Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

You may be reading the title of this post and be thinking, is he serious? Yes, I am pretty damned serious here. So why the hate for larger sunglasses? Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

To start, this is for the ladies. I don’t care so much if a dude is wearing large sunglasses. If he is, I have to wonder about his overall masculinity but I’m not in the business of wanting to shag dudes, so I don’t really care if he wants to look like an idiot. He can keep his large sunglasses and skinny jeans in the corner with his other dude bros trying to out-sex each other while preying on 17 year-olds at Spring Break.

Moving on, let’s talk about your big sunglasses, ladies.

For one thing, they are too fucking big and cover up like 75 percent of your face. I don’t know how this is considered attractive and sexy and how this became the norm. I get it though, they block out more sun. Well, that’s the excuse anyway. The fact that they cover your entire face and are a gigantic billboard for whatever name brand shades you have an affinity for is probably a big part of your attraction to looking like some bug-eyed sex goblin whether at the beach or driving to Zoom Tan. For the record, if you’re not picking up on what I’m saying here, that shit’s not attractive.

No one really cares about what name brand sunglasses you’re wearing. Well, that is except for the other girls who are also wearing fuchsia-colored World War I motorcycle goggles. Stop competing with each other for who has the best glasses, it is childish and lame. Be more of a hardcore bitch because a hardcore bitch wouldn’t give a shit. For example, a lame childish chick would say something like, “Oh hey girly, you didn’t say anything, so I am assuming you didn’t notice these 50 lb. Leche Bananas that are covering my entire face!” The hardcore bitch would then respond with something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing a motorcycle helmet? Fuck off.”

Additionally, another point that has to be made about these monstrosities is that you aren’t going to attract a proper mate with these alien face-huggers stuck to your face. For instance, I once had a girl come up to me who said it was great hanging out with me the previous day at some bar on the beach. I was like, “Yeah, who the fuck are you?” And then she told me and it clicked! “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you because your entire face was covered by sunglasses yesterday!” Then I remembered that the entire time I was talking to the girl on the previous day, that I couldn’t determine if she was attractive because I couldn’t see anything other than her little nose and tiny mouth. And this isn’t a one-off incident, it happens a lot. Half the time, I think the chicks are attempting to hide some gnarly scar or something.

I’m not trying to sound like a superficial douchebag here but the fact of the matter is, when you’re vibing with another human being and there just might be a bit of a spark, you’d like to see their face, right? I can’t tell you how many girls have ruined their game with me because I couldn’t see their face. The face tells a lot, the face is beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off. Talking to a girl with giant fucking sunglasses is like talking to a priest behind a confessional screen. It’s just so impersonal and awkward.

When it comes to the excuse of wearing giant sunglasses because they block out more of the sun, I’m calling bullshit. For starters, I never wear sunglasses because I hate things on my face. That being said, I live in Southwest Florida where the sun is mighty intense and I am also prone to migraines. I still never wear sunglasses and I do just fine. Now when I have worn them for whatever odd reason, normal-fitting decent sized sunglasses did the job and kept the sun out of my eyes. Sunglasses aren’t hard to understand and use. When used correctly, decent sized ones work. You chicks mean to tell me that you can use a hundred different video effects apps to produce wicked Vines all day but you can’t figure out how to wear a proper pair of sunglasses?

I think I’ve made my point and there isn’t much else I really need to add. What we’ve got here is just another case of chicks being ridiculous because they’re too concerned with what other chicks think and ultimately are pushing away men who are of a better stock than the mickey-slipping beaus they usually shack up with.

TV Review: The Comic Book Greats: Episode 11 – Spotlight on Will Eisner (1992)

Released: 1992
Created by: Stan Lee
Directed by: Rick Stawinski
Music by: Rick Stawinski, Rob Stawinski
Cast: Stan Lee (host), Will Eisner

Excelsior Productions, Stabur Home Video, 50 Minutes

Review:

Well, this is the penultimate episode of The Comic Book Greats (omitting the “best of” compilation) and it has been a nice journey getting to this point. But looking at all the volumes and who is featured on each, I was really anticipating getting to this one, which sees Stan Lee sit down with the great Will Eisner.

When I started reviewing this series, all the episodes were available on YouTube. As I worked my way through them, I noticed that this one had been pulled down. But luckily, after being patient, someone else re-uploaded it. So that saved me a bunch of money from having to track down the original VHS tape and having to borrow a working VCR, as my last one died some time ago.

This episode was worth being patient for, though. Stan Lee and Will Eisner talked about a great deal of things and even had some really good, friendly debates about the aspects of storytelling and meaning in art as a whole.

Like most of the episodes, the first half was a sit down interview at a table. Then, about midway through, Stan and Will went to the art table and continued conversing as Eisner did some cool sketches, one of which was a damn good piece of his most famous creation, The Spirit.

This was another stellar episode and one of my favorite ones of the lot.

Next up is the final episode, which features Stan Lee sitting down with Whilce Portacio.

Rating: 8/10
Pairs well with: other episodes in The Comic Book Greats video series.

Vids I Dig 009: Cartoonist Kayfabe: Palmer’s Picks, Wizard 7, ‘Cerebus’ by Dave Sim

The Cartoonist Kayfabe guys (Ed Piskor & Jim Rugg) discuss the Palmer’s Picks feature from Wizard, Issue 7.

Words and analysis about this specific feature from the man, Tom Palmer Jr., himself.