Filet Mignon Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

So filet mignon.. lord, this is long overdue but I mentioned about how I was going to discuss this cut of meat several weeks ago but still haven’t yet apart from a mouse maze I drew (see below) and a meatku (a.k.a. a “meat haiku”) where I lambasted it (also see below). Well, here goes.

Filet mignon is regarded by many, if not most, to be the supreme cut of beef that one can get. It is expensive, small and despite how much there actually is in a cow, it is perceived as rare.

Fuck all that! A beef tenderloin is pretty damn big and filet mignon is just cut up beef tenderloin. It is readily available in decent sized portions. People need to stop looking at it like it’s a magical unicorn ovary. But speaking of portions, a beef tenderloin is like the size of a young elephant’s trunk, so why just cut it into small filet mignon meat discs? Fuck you cowboys! Give me the whole goddamned tenderloin with a barrel of Peter Luger sex sauce and I’m good! 6 oz. cut? Are you out of your everliving fucking mind?

Now filet mignon gets its appeal because out of all cuts of beef, it has the least amount of fat. It is also tiny, which just means that it is the perfect red meat meal for wannabe high class white bitches to chew vehemently as they pound some piss colored swill they call sauvignon blanc, puffing on Capris, waiting for the fondue cart to roll by. This is a Weight Watchers steak and should be avoided if other cuts are available to you such as ribeyes, porterhouses, New York strips, t-bones, etc.

So while these white bitches gnaw on this cut, as they slice through it surgically – making tiny white girl morsels, I am reminded – by witnessing this – just how overrated and lame filet mignon really is. Anyone with any sort of knowledge about food should be aware of two very common sense things in regards to life. 1.) Fat = Flavor. 2.) Small portions are for tiny birds with fruity looking feather arrays. With that being said, filet mignon violates both of these crucial laws.

It severely lacks the flavor of the most superior cut: ribeye. Also, it is tinier than a squirrel’s penis. And on top of that, it is more expensive than any other cut. If you gravitate towards filet mignon, you need to understand that you are gullible and susceptible to other grand deceptions like religion, politics and NBC’s The Voice.

Filet mignon is bullshit. It’s a waste of your time, your money and a cow’s resources. Funny thing is, I recently read a blog on Thrillist where it asked what popular meat is most overrated and almost unanimously, the world’s best chefs stated “filet mignon”. Why? Because once again, filet mignon – as a concept, as an ideal, as a belief is complete and utter bullshit.

If some of you who read this still love filet, let me pose this question: if you have a pork tenderloin and cut a one inch thick circular bit out of the middle of it, do you call that pork mignon? No! Because it is pork fucking tenderloin! That’s why filet mignon is the worst lie ever sold!

P.S.: The word “mignon” is French, which should already raise masculinity’s eyebrow a bit. Also, “mignon” translates in English to “cute” and “dainty”. Man the fuck up, America! And yes women, you need to man the fuck up too!

A meatku I wrote about filet mignon:
Overrated bitch!
Slightly flavorless and dry.
No fat, white girl steak.

Quotes by world renown chefs on filet mignon (taken from Thrillist):

It’s one-dimensional. Give me a shoulder or a piece of chuck, and I’ll give you something that’s really rich in flavor.” – John Besh: James Beard Award winner behind August, The American Sector, LÜKE (NOLA) and so many more

It’s boring and has very little flavor.” – Tom Colicchio: Top Chef Judge, the man behind Craft, Craftsteak, Colicchio & Sons and more

There’s not much flavor and not a lot of fat. It was classic back in the day, and obviously it’s expensive, but it’s not a flavorful piece of meat to me. There’s a time and a place for it, but there are much better cuts.” – Josh Capon: NYCWFF Burger Bash Winner, Exec. Chef at Lure Fishbar, B&B Winepub and El Toro Blanco (NYC)

It’s trash. It is a non-working muscle, which makes it super-tender (because the cow doesn’t use it), but has no flavor and is only palatable when forced on a long airplane ride.” – Michael White: Exec. Chef of Marea, Ai Fiori, Osteria Morini, Nicoletta (NYC)

There is very little marbling and not a lot of fat, which means less flavor.” – Bill Telepan: Exec. Chef, Telepan (NYC)

Documentary Review: Birth of the Tramp (2013)

Also known as: La naissance de Charlot (original French title), How Chaplin Became the Tramp (alternate title)
Release Date: December 29th, 2013 (France)
Directed by: Serge Bromberg, Eric Lange
Music by: Robert Israel
Cast: Charlie Chaplin (archive footage)

Arte France, Lobster Films, Roy Export Company Establishment, 52 Minutes, 61 Minutes (extended TV edition)

Review:

There are a ton of documentaries on Charlie Chaplin. They are literally a dime a dozen and I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bad one but a lot of the information has been recycled a dozen times over. I’ve yet to see one that is exceptional, however.

That being said, this isn’t an exceptional one either but it is still a quick, entertaining watch and it pretty much just gets into his background and early career up to the point where he was about 30 years-old.

The focus of this was about how Chaplin evolved into his famous Tramp character. I like that this was character focused more so than on his general life or general filmmaking. It does cover those things but it’s more focused on the iconic Tramp persona.

This had good interviews and was well edited. The narrative flows nicely but I wish that this was actually fleshed out more. It just seemed a bit rushed for just a 52 minute piece.

Still, if you are a fan of Chaplin or the silent era of filmmaking, this is worth checking out. Also, it’s streaming for free for Prime members on Amazon Video.

Rating: 7/10
Pairs well with: any of the various other documentaries on Charlie Chaplin, as well as his original films and the biopic Chaplin with Robert Downey Jr. as Chaplin.

 

Retro Relapse: The Great American Pussification

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015 but resurrected because people are still fake-offended snowflakes.

I use the word “pussification” because there is no better term. If you are offended, you are a victim of pussification. And frankly, you’re not really offended, you just think that you’re supposed to be.

But no, I am not calling pussies weak. I’ve encountered many that are very strong. Female pussies, I mean. Male pussies, are very weak. And it isn’t to say that I am calling women lesser than men, this is to say.. oh, you know what? Fuck it, I’m not explaining myself to a bunch of easily offended pussies. Just hit the back button now if you are already uncomfortable or take it to Twitter where you can bitch and moan behind the safety of blocking and only converse with other pussies that agree with you in an effort to get fantasy brownie points for a scoreboard that doesn’t exist.

Additionally, I don’t use the word “wussies” because that is how pussies say “pussies”.

The Great Pussification of America began a long time ago. It is a movement that has succeeded, as every generation since World War II has fallen victim to this bullshit epidemic. It keeps getting worse as the years go on. No, I am not talking about gay people or transgenders or any of that, if you want to be gay or change your sex, I don’t give a shit. In fact, those who deal with the assholes who come against them because they fear people different than themselves, you are a thousand times stronger and more courageous than the douchebags you have to constantly deal with. In fact, you are pillars of non-pussification. How about that, bible thumpers a.k.a. Jesus pussies?

This morning I read about an elementary school that banned a Wonder Woman lunchbox. This is the note they sent home to the parents:

Okay, this is the lunchbox that they found so offensive:

This is a prime example of the Pussification of America.

That actually seems like a pretty awesome lunchbox featuring a powerful hero for girls to look up to. Of course, the note says, “We have defined ‘violent characters’ as those who solve problems using violence. Super heroes certainly fall into that category.”

Uh, okay. Obviously, the school doesn’t know jack shit about most superheroes and they also have bad fucking grammar, as “superheroes” doesn’t have a space in it. This sounds like the worst group of educators ever and they also look like giant fucking pussies.

This is how the public school system, many parents and other adult groups of “evolved socially conscious” dickwads are. They’re pussies coddling children to the point that kids can’t develop the necessary skills and life experience needed to face adversity and challenges head on. A generation, actually, several generations of these kids are growing and entering the world as adults – adults who cannot function like adults.

Another huge example of pussification is participation trophies.

Kudos to the Pittsburgh Steelers’ James Harrison who threw his kid’s participation trophies in the garbage. Why? Because his kid didn’t earn them. They were given to him just for participating.

What kind of liberal bullshit helicopter parent coddling parade is this? What is the point of striving to be the best if you get a prize regardless? But these fuckwits don’t want anyone to be the best, they want everyone to be in the bottom of the soft, cuddly, safe septic tank, knee deep in their bullshit.

When I grew up, I didn’t get trophies for participating. I got them for winning (or coming in second or third). I didn’t cry that I didn’t get a trophy if I wasn’t the best. In fact, I never expected to be the best at everything. I knew that I had to win to get the prize and if I wanted the prize, I had to work for it. Sometimes, even then, there was someone who was better at a challenge than I was. This is how life works.

You wake up, you attack the day, you do your best. Often times, someone does better. People have different strengths and weaknesses. Giving a trophy to everyone rewards weakness. The world, the real world that we all live in regardless of rose colored glasses and over sensitivity, does not reward weakness. If you teach small children the opposite, the world will smack them in the face hard and they won’t be prepared for it. We all see this happen every single fucking day but some chose to play the victim and blame those who succeed.

If you want that trophy, work for it. If you can’t get it, you know that what you are trying to achieve might be out of reach and then move on to find something you’re better at. Childhood is a trial period before adulthood. It isn’t a continuation of infancy. Kids have to fail, they have to sometimes have bad experiences, this is how they learn and adapt to a world that isn’t always their friend. To ignore this fact is asinine.

Everyone wants their kid to win. But shouldn’t people want their kid to win at the big picture that is life? So what, they are batting 8th on their Little League team. One day, they may change the world with a Fortune 500 company if you don’t coddle them into being a huge pussy afraid of risk versus reward.

In regards to all this anti-bullying stuff that’s popular now, I hate bullies. I fucking loathe them, actually. But are adults wasting too much time on teaching kids to tattle on bullies instead of focusing on helping them develop confidence, brass balls and the skills to handle their own problems?

I’m not saying that adults shouldn’t step in if things get out of hand but to some degree, a child needs to learn how to stand up against an asshole because they will face many more in life. Also, this teaches the kids to always rely on authority and not themselves. Relying on authority usually comes with a pretty shitty outcome.

And nowadays, the things that are considered “bullying” are fucking laughable. Expressing a different opinion is “bullying” in 2018. This article, by many, even though I single no one out, is probably considered “bullying”.

So, do you want your child equipped to properly handle adulthood? Or do you want them to be a crybaby bitch scared of jerks, living at home at twenty-seven with a bedroom full of participation ribbons?

I hate helicopter parents. If you don’t know what they are, Google it. The problem is that there are so many nowadays. I deal with the ramifications of it on a daily basis, working with younger people. And I’m only thirty-six, I’m not that old.

However, this millennial generation has been coddled to death. They are leaving college, entering the workforce and many of them can’t handle a normal amount of daily adversity and challenges. They shutdown, call their parents and panic. They also don’t have good problem solving or time management skills. They need that parental figure to constantly push them and they need constant validation and acceptance. They don’t understand work relationships versus friendship. They also don’t understand why not everyone gets raises and aren’t asked to participate in certain projects. They’re a lost generation that expect the world to be easy and for their hand to be held at all times.

Granted, I have met many younger people who are the antithesis of this. I am not saying that it effects every millennial-aged person but it is still large enough to be an epidemic. There just don’t seem to be enough of the good ones.

So, is the future bright when we are going to have adult-sized toddlers running the show?

But who am I? I’m just some insensitive asshole that hates kids according to helicopter parents and overly-invested, overly-sensitive teachers. But I don’t give a shit what they think about me, I just give a shit about what they’re doing to the future.

Documentary Review: Power of Grayskull: The Definitive History of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (2017)

Release Date: September 9th, 2017 (Power-Con premiere)
Directed by: Randall Lobb, Robert McCallum
Written by: Randall Lobb, Robert McCallum
Cast: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, various others

Definitive Films,FauxPop Media,Pyre Productions USA, 95 Minutes

Review:

This documentary recently dropped on Netflix, so being that Masters of the Universe was one of my first loves as a kid, I definitely wanted to check this out.

Power of Grayskull does a nice job of telling the He-Man and Masters of the Universe story from before its conception up to modern times. It even spends a good amount of time on the motion picture, which I still love, even if it took tremendous liberties and wasn’t quite the Masters of the Universe that I knew.

The first part of this is very similar to the Masters of the Universe episode of the Netflix show The Toys That Made Us. It talks about where Mattel was at, going into the early ’80s, and all the events leading up to them needing to develop a solid toy property for young boys.

This gets into more detail than that TV episode though, as this isn’t whittled down to television length. It spends more time discussing the key players involved and the steps taken as the franchise expanded into new toys, a second show called She-Ra: Princess of Power, the 1987 live action movie, what happened when the property started to cool off and how it still finds a way to circle back around and have some success.

The highlight of this whole thing was the portion that was devoted to the live action movie. At least, it’s what I found most interesting. Especially, since Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella did interviews and both stated their love of working on the motion picture.

If you are a fan of Masters of the Universe, this is a cool documentary to check out. It brought me down memory lane and even reminded me of characters I had forgotten.

Rating: 7.25/10
Pairs well with: Other documentaries on specific fandoms: Turtle Power, Ghostheads and the Netlfix TV series The Toys That Made Us.

 

My 20 Favorite Louis L’Amour Novels

A while ago I ranked My 20 Favorite Philip K. Dick Novels. I figured I would also rank the books of other authors that I have read for a long time. The next writer who came to mind was Louis L’Amour, who is probably the writer that I have read the most over the course of my life.

I was introduced to L’Amour by my paternal grandfather. When I would visit him in the summers, we would often times go camping. On the way out of town we would stop at the library and get some books for our journey into the woods. I’d always grab some G.I. Joe and Indiana Jones “Find Your Fate” books and he’d always grab something by Louis L’Amour.

One camping trip, I exhausted my “Find Your Fate” books and picked up one of my grandfather’s L’Amour books, The Quick and the Dead. I was pretty much hooked, as I thumbed through the pages at lightning speed. It led me down a lifelong path of not only loving and respecting the writing of Louis L’Amour, it also led to my love of westerns in film and television.

Being dubbed “America’s Storyteller”, L’Amour has penned 89 novels, 14 short-story collections and two full-length works of nonfiction. Out of his novels, I’ve probably read more than half. Going through the list of what he’s published, here are the twenty that I liked the best:

1. Hondo
2. Flint
3. Fair Blows the Wind
4. Fallon
5. The Shadow Riders
6. Hanging Woman Creek
7. Utah Blaine
8. The Quick and the Dead
9. Dark Canyon
10. Shalako
11. Tucker
12. Under the Sweetwater Rim
13. Lando
14. The Sackett Brand
15. Last of the Breed
16. The Lonesome Gods
17. The Walking Drum
18. Sackett
19. Reilly’s Luck
20. Conagher

Talking Pulp: Why I’ve Grown to Hate Deadpool

If the title of this article is fightin’ words, then prepare for 1485 more.

I’ve come to the realization that I just don’t like Deadpool. I mean, I used to love him back when Rob Liefeld created him and he was a thorn in the New Mutants and X-Force’s side from time to time. Plus, I was twelve years-old.

But what’s not to like?

He’s pretty much a ninja or at least, he looks like the bastard lovechild of a ninja and Spider-Man. He was also snarky and a pain in the ass. He even wore a badass red outfit with badass swords and badass guns. He had lots of pouches… so many pouches.

However, as much as I enjoyed seeing him pop up in stuff, I never really liked it when he had his own solo comics.

Okay, I did like those first few miniseries that he had because he still wasn’t quite the Deadpool that we would eventually get and I actually loved the bromance between villains Black Tom Cassidy and Juggernaut. But Deadpool would go on to change and he would also go on to have a villain problem.

Let me get to how he changed first.

In 1997, Joe Kelly came along and wrote an ongoing series for Deadpool. It was here where the character’s real super power debuted: the ability to break the fourth wall. This would continue to be a trait that Deadpool would have going into the future. Without Joe Kelly, Deadpool wouldn’t be talking to you and me, the audience, during his movies. Kelly, essentially turned the “Merc with a Mouth” into Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. It was unique and fun at first but as time rolled on, I personally found it more distracting than amusing. But I also prefer tough looking characters that kick a whole lot of ass to spend less time chatting and more time kicking a whole lot of ass.

But really, breaking the fourth wall is not a super power. And neither is talking and being a snarky jackass.

Deadpool’s actual power is pretty much just a super healing ability, which makes him Wolverine without the claws, cool skeleton and good looks. And since Wolverine speaks softly and carries a big can of whoop ass into every situation, I will always prefer Wolverine.

Wolverine is a man’s man where Deadpool is that awkward thirty-something juvenile guy that shows up at parties, makes a fuck ton of jokes and people just leave the room. And then he follows them around making more jokes, oblivious to the fact that his routine is stale and he can’t converse like a normal, well adjusted adult.

I’m not saying that he’s completely unfunny but there comes a time when you need to nut the fuck up and shut the fuck up. This is why Deadpool is amusing from time to time when he cameos in someone else’s comic but to read 30 pages of his shtick, every single month, doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Point being, he’s a character that is much better and more welcomed in smaller doses.

Now circling back to the villain problem, Deadpool just doesn’t have any that are worthwhile. This is really apparent in his movies. Sure, Juggernaut and Black Tom show up in Deadpool 2 but they aren’t a main focus and are really just afterthoughts in the film.

Deadpool typically goes after one-off scumbags. I guess that’s fine if you only read Deadpool for Deadpool but for the rest of us, we want to see him actually face off with credible threats. Comic stories of Deadpool cracking jokes, leading up to killing a random mob boss have been done to death at this point. Lack of good villains is why I’ve never been a huge fan of the Punisher in his own titles either. I prefer the Punisher when he actually goes against Jigsaw or the Kingpin, as opposed to a random Russian sex trafficker.

The times where I do love Deadpool is when he is a real fish out of water and playing against his typical situation. For instance, whenever he’s trying to court Death and drawing the ire of Thanos. Or in Venomverse when he’s one of a few dozen characters but he finds a way to be more than his one-dimensional self and stands out while adding something worthwhile to the story beyond just comedic relief. I just don’t want Wade Wilson to be to Marvel what Santino Marella was to the WWE for several years. But he’s basically Marvel’s Jerry Lewis. A lot of people liked Jerry Lewis but a lot of people also post Onion stories like their news… still.

Getting back to his humor, what is it mostly comprised of? Sex jokes and chimichangas.

A good sex joke can go a long way but when you’re writing a character that’s in comics for teens, there is only so far that you can go. And really, while this does work for a juvenile audience, the humor is still juvenile and who hasn’t heard these tired ass jokes for years already? Well, assuming you’re older than high school age.

Chimichangas are just delicious deep fried burritos. I guess it’s a funny sounding word but how many jokes can you make centered around chimichangas? Apparently, at this point, over twenty years worth strung over multiple creative mediums. You know that meme of the cartoon taco that says, “I don’t wanna taco ’bout it?” Now imagine someone holding that in your face for twenty-plus years.

Another aspect of Deadpool’s humor is pop culture references. He runs off at the mouth referencing movies, video games, bands and everything else like it’s the final battle in Ready Player One. He’s like Marvel’s equivalent to the Family Guy, which I guess a lot of people like but I don’t see the humor in just mentioning some past nerdy thing. Actually, doesn’t that make Deadpool The Big Bang Theory of the Marvel universe then?

When it comes to the comics themselves, looking beyond his humor style, the stories are typically a jumbled up clusterfuck. Everything beyond his dialogue is wacky for wacky’s sake. It’s like reading a Sunday paper comic strip that is stretched from a few panels to 30 pages worth of panels. And nothing in his stories ever seem to hold much bearing over the bigger picture. It’s like every story could just be his own delusional power fantasy where he’s the only one laughing at his jokes.

Additionally, what’s the fucking point of it all? Where is he going as a character? Is he even a character that has the elements that a character should have? What’s his life arc? It’s just a long running aimless joke. Thankfully, the films fleshed him out into something actually tangible with real human emotion but I think that Ryan Reynolds and the writers were smart enough to know that the film wouldn’t succeed as a two hour dick joke. People need to connect to something and Deadpool, in comic book form, doesn’t have anything to connect to. He probably doesn’t connect to you either unless you’re just a basic bitch that thinks Semi-Pro is a better film than The Shawshank Redemption.

Looking back to the beginning at what Deadpool was, as a character, he’s just Rob Liefeld’s attempt at parodying Deathstroke. He was also purposely given a look that is reminiscent of Spider-Man. Deadpool has never been anywhere near as interesting as either of those characters though. Seriously, read Deathstroke by Christopher Priest (the current run of the character) or go back and read Teen Titans: The Judas Contract. Deadpool has never had a story arc anywhere near the quality of Deathstroke. And I don’t even need to compare him to the incredible history of the Peter Parker version of Spider-Man.

Other things to nitpick about is that the character has a terrible origin story, the art in his books is usually mediocre, he’s an amalgamation of ’90s cliches that people have made fun of for years, all he cares about is amusing himself at anyone else’s expense, he’s a prick most of the time, he’s barely heroic, he fucks up constantly and we’re supposed to laugh about it because he’s a Mary Sue that can survive anything, he’s usually in the way when other heroes are present and he relies on his healing ability over honing his actual skills.

I used to love Deadpool. But again, I was twelve years-old. I never cared about his own solo books because I guess I never thought he had much to offer outside of quick appearances. But as time moved on, the gimmick ran tired and Deadpool became the Dane Cook of comic books.

Plus, when someone says that he’s their favorite superhero, chances are they didn’t know who the hell he was until three years ago… and they probably don’t read comic books either.

Retro Relapse: 25 Types of Old People You’ll Find In a Florida Grocery Store

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

It is once again “season” in Florida. Our roads are overtaken by old folks who have a hard time doing anything faster than twenty miles per hour under the posted speed limit. They also try to take you out like you’re trapped in a modern version of Death Race 2000 played in ultra slow motion.

But they aren’t just horrendous drivers trying to murder the residents of the towns they invade, they are also awful at navigating grocery stores. At the very least, they are just in the way and hold up lines and a person’s progress at trying to get in, get food and get the fuck out.

These are the twenty-five most common types of old people you will run into in a Florida grocery store this time of year. Then again, with more and more becoming permanent residents, this is evolving into a year round epidemic.

1. The Banker – This is the old person that has groceries totaling $87.49 and insists on counting out pennies for that entire amount.

2. The Free Sample Congregation – This is a group that grows and refuses to move on because someone is handing out tiny spoons with tapioca on them. They usually stand in front of the aisle with the one thing you need to grab quickly.

3. The Deli Counter Diddler – This is that jerk who is in front of you in line at the deli counter and insists upon trying every single cold cut in the window and some of them twice.

4. The Cart Kamikaze – We’ve all been hit by this asshole. They’re the ones who just come right at you with their shopping cart and smash into you while making eye contact the whole time. Oh, they see you. They just don’t give a shit.

5. The Scooter Kamikaze – Same as above but way more dangerous as this jackoff is piloting a motorized scooter at top speed. They often times knock over elaborate displays throughout the store without a single care in the world.

6. The Looper – This is that old person who keeps looping around the same two aisles over and over. They don’t even seem to be looking for anything specific. I’m not sure if they are lost, confused or the grocery store equivalent to mall walkers.

7. The Cigarette and Lotto Arguer – The angry old coot that holds up the line yelling at the clerk as to which cigarettes or lottery ticket they want even though the clerk has their hand on the correct one.

8. The Pirate Candy Sampler – The douchebag that sticks their dirty hand in the candy bins and samples the treats.

9. The Backseat Driver – The old lady that bosses her hubby around as he’s driving the cart, further confusing him and turning them into a two-person cart kamikaze tandem.

10. The Life Story Check Writer – The old woman who writes a check and takes way more time than necessary, as if she’s writing an entry in her diary. She often asks for the clerk to help her read the check, as she writes it because the sections on a check are apparently never in the same place.

11. The Parking Lot Zombie – Does this need an explanation? Just be careful, they are dangerous and are always aiming for you and your vehicle.

12. The Expired Coupon Pusher – The grumpy old lady that wants a box of Betty Crocker three cheese potatoes au gratin for 35 cents because she has a coupon from 1987. The argument with the cashier can last up to 45 minutes.

13. The Confused Tortoise – This is the jerk that somehow pulls in front of you and walks at speeds that rival a snail. They go up the middle of the aisle and sway left, then right, then left again. You can never get around them and they don’t care that you are behind them because young people need to slow down and enjoy the beautiful sights of canned vegetables.

14. The Dead Beat Parent – This is that phantom person that abandons their full cart of frozen goods in the middle of a busy aisle. I’m not 100 percent sure if they are old but they probably are.

15. The Oblivious Express Lane Invader – The clueless elderly dolt who squeezes into the express lane with two carts full of vitamins, diapers, prune juice, fish oil pills, plain yogurt, magazines and tonic water. They are either completely unaware of the giant red flashing light that says “10 Items Or Less” or they just don’t give a shit because getting old means you get special privileges.

16. The Meat Statue – This person is frozen in time – staring at the steaks or chicken, blocking your ability to just grab the meat you need. They can stay this way for hours, completely unaware that you need to grab something.

17. The Sandwich Dipshit – The old person who has never ordered a sub in their life. “What toppings do you want?” “Heh?!” “What toppings, sir?” “Veggie-tables!” “Which ones, sir?” “Heh?! Are you fucking deaf, lady?!”

18. The Door Troll – Whether you want to enter or exit, there they are – just standing there like a troll demanding payment to pass.

19. The Enquirer Enquirer – The old lady who is so caught up in reading the gossip magazines in the checkout lane that she is holding up everyone else behind her. She never buys a magazine but she makes sure to read it cover-to-cover while your pint of ice cream is melting on the floor.

20. The Pharmacy Haggler – The old guy screaming at the pharmacist about how his pills now cost 50 cents more per bottle when he has paid the same price for ten years. He goes on a twenty minute tirade about how the store is taking advantage of him and how he will never shop there again.

21. The Red Box Bully – The person confused by how Red Box works, even though they use it twice a week. They can spend hours stabbing at the same icon on the home screen with their finger or beating on the machine like an aggressive hobo.

22. The Stop and Chatterers – The two old ladies that stop in the middle of a busy aisle to chatter about how well Brian is doing in college and how much they like their new Lexus when at first, they didn’t feel comfortable driving it. It doesn’t matter that there are about twenty people trying to navigate around them.

23. The Anti-Sushi War Hero – The old warrior perplexed about how they sell sushi in grocery stores in America when we kicked Japan’s ass in ’45.

24. The Gum Returner – This is the temperamental penny-pincher that is trying to return gum or other mundane cheap items and holding up the service counter after spending two dollars in gas to get 35 cents back on stale Trident.

25. The Bank Card Chip Halfwits – This is the newest breed of old people to traverse through in the store. They’ve already learned how to do this multiple times now but are still confused at how the new card machines have to read the chip in their new bank cards. Don’t pull out!