Retro Relapse: Full English Breakfast: The Fuel of An Empire

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

It should be no surprise, at this point, how much I love waffles or breakfast food for that matter. So one particular breakfast item that I’d like to talk about and pay homage to, as my homie Greg calls it, is a “proper” full English breakfast. The Red Coats definitely created one of the greatest feats in the history of mankind when they assembled this culinary miracle.

The “proper” full English breakfast is comprised of many fine treats and can be presented with several different options. Generally, it is served with two eggs (I like 3-4 myself), “proper” English bacon (which is different than American bacon), fried tomatoes, fried mushrooms, toast, “proper” English sausage (which is much larger than American sausage) and black pudding. Some versions come with baked beans in tomato sauce, some variation of potato and other vegetables. The breakfast is usually accompanied by “proper” British tea (hopefully free of tariffs).

After discovering this awesome monster of a breakfast meal, I now realize why the Red Coats were so hard to defeat during the American Revolution. I wouldn’t want to fight anyone with a full breakfast in their stomach. It is no wonder why the British were able to nearly take over the entire world. That’s why I am glad that they are now our ally and we have the luxury of sharing our breakfast food with each other. Between full breakfasts in the UK and Waffle Houses in the US, there is nothing our two peoples cannot accomplish.

I’m sure the British swashbucklers used to eat these everyday, no matter what side of the law they were on. Full English breakfasts have been known to quicken swordplay, increase jumping height, enhance acrobatics as well as making someone literally impervious to musket balls. Merlin actually existed and was powered by full English breakfasts and the blood of trolls, whose blood was used to make black pudding before they became extinct. Now they just make black pudding with the blood of pigs and cows; I guess dragons and orcs are hard to find. King Arthur, the greatest warrior king ever, used to bathe in full English breakfasts for hours. Excalibur was forged in the same fires where the first full English breakfast was cooked.

If only the British could properly harness the power of the “proper” full English breakfast, as they did before troll extinction, they might have the power to destroy all evil in the world! If the whole world ate “proper” full English breakfasts, than we’d all be liberated and powerful yet peaceful due to the spiritual balance that the meal brings at the start of the day.

Sorry, I’ve been writing this while drunk on a “proper” full English breakfast. But it could also be the bottle of Scotch I just used to rinse out my liver.

The McDonald’s Double Drive-Thru Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015.

The McDonald’s double drive-thru is bullshit. It is a clusterfuck of biblical proportions. Seriously, whose idea was this? I’d like to meet them.

Okay, let us look at this objectively and in theory. In theory, in a perfect world, this is probably a fairly decent idea. It allows McDonald’s to process orders more quickly because obviously they are struggling financially and need more money. But really that is only the real benefit I see.

And what good is processing orders, or really just taking orders, at a faster rate considered more efficient when the split line has to merge back together?

Okay, the idea is actually crap in theory.

Here’s the real problem. McDonald’s really overestimates the logic and patience of human beings. They also overestimate their acceptance of change and learning new things.

One, people are generally morons. Two, people resist change. Put both of those things together and you get the mess that I have to deal with every time I just want to grab a Sausage McMuffin and a shitty iced coffee because I am too lazy to make my own breakfast.

What I usually deal with is people who aren’t sure where to split the line because the arrows are just suggestions and not a law punishable by Mayor McCheese and Officer Big Mac.

So we get impatient dickheads who swerve out of the long line violently and cut several cars to get to the second lane before the suggested traffic split. It creates tension and road rage. People who try to follow the rules and be orderly are fucked over by self-absorbed pricks who can’t wait an extra few seconds for a McFlurry.

Then when the cars are supposed to merge back together, people don’t seem to understand how this works. I constantly see people yelling and beeping their bitch horns because they are already pissed off and think that the other person is trying to cut in front of them again. People don’t understand that the line should merge back together in the sequence of completed orders. If you finish your order, you are in front of the other person still talking into the monitor. It is pretty simple but it is still over many people’s heads.

Also, McDonald’s is squeezing this concept into every location possible. The two McDonald’s locations closest to me don’t really have room for it. It is really hard to navigate in limited space, especially when other people trying to just move around the drive-thru, who aren’t in it, can’t get through or have to enter the drive-thru traffic because they are stuck just trying to get out of the parking lot.

A double drive-thru doesn’t need to be rocket science but it is because people don’t know how to use it, even after a few years.

And the worst are the assholes who aren’t paying attention and hold up their half of the line, allowing people to cut in and screw up the sequence of orders to be picked up.

This article doesn’t need to be long, the point has been made. But apparently there are “studies” that claim McDonald’s bullshit drive-thru experiment works. They are probably the same “scientists” that claim that clowns aren’t terrifying. Hence, they are on McDonald’s clown-loving payroll.

I could just park and order inside but then again, people don’t know how to form a line there either.

I think line forming was the first thing I learned in school.

Fast food should be convenient. McDonald’s has now made it the equivalent of trying to board an overbooked flight.

Retro Relapse: Chick-Fil-A: A Swashbucklingly Good Breakfast

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Chick-Fil-A is pretty tits all around. Their nuggets are pretty awesome, their sandwiches are on point and they may have the greatest cole slaw next to KFC’s (it’s a toss up).

However, where they truly excel at is breakfast. Ignoring the fact that they don’t offer waffles, Chick-Fil-A is the greatest establishment for breakfast via a drive-thru window. Everything that they have for breakfast is pretty damn choice. I’ve yet to have an item that was just… meh.

My favorite thing is definitely the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. This is the best breakfast sandwich available that I’ve ever had access to. The biscuits are perfect, the egg is just the right amount, the cheese is well… cheese and the sausage patty is damn near perfect. Being thicker than most patties on fast food breakfast sandwiches, the sausage is just the right size and just the right flavor. It’s not overpowering like sausage from Burger King or McDonald’s. It also compliments the mixture of egg, biscuit and cheese perfectly. This sandwich literally melts in your mouth and is unrivaled in the fast food industry, as far as I am concerned.

My next favorite item is the hashbrowns. The only complaint I have of these, is that I wish you got more (which is why I always order two). The Chick-Fil-A hasbrowns are usually always fried just right and are extra crunchy. The oil they use gives them a better flavor and they almost taste cleaner and less greasy than the competition’s sorry excuse for hashbrowns. The only thing that may throw off the non-hashie connoisseur is the fact that the hashbrowns are like Burger King’s in shape: kind of like tater tots or crowns. I like this shape of hashbrown, however, and Chick-Fil-A does them the best.

Other notable items are the chicken biscuit and the bacon, egg and cheese biscuit. Both of these I have had and have thoroughly enjoyed. The chicken biscuit is better than the cheap knockoffs that BK and Mickey D’s tried to come out with a few years back. In fact, any other fast food chain with a chicken biscuit should be slapped with a lawsuit. The bacon, egg and cheese biscuit is nearly as good as its counterpart: the sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. But again, I am a bigger fan of the sausage one.

When it comes down to it, most swashbucklers prefer Chick-Fil-A. They are friendly to our kind and most of them have sweet ball pits. Although, most swashbucklers are too big for the ball pit according to their lame sign. In any event, Chick-Fil-A is still pretty awesome, especially for breakfast.

The only downside is that I only seem to crave Chick-Fil-A on Sundays. Well, they are closed on Sunday because Jesus doesn’t like to eat after church or something like that. I think they should be open and that they are losing a lot of business by not being open. Hell, what do I know. I’ve never owned a business unless you count that time that I was selling Japanese wrestling tapes out of my grandmum’s garage. I was banking some sweet cash back then!

Big Sunglasses Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

You may be reading the title of this post and be thinking, is he serious? Yes, I am pretty damned serious here. So why the hate for larger sunglasses? Well, that’s what I’m here to explain.

To start, this is for the ladies. I don’t care so much if a dude is wearing large sunglasses. If he is, I have to wonder about his overall masculinity but I’m not in the business of wanting to shag dudes, so I don’t really care if he wants to look like an idiot. He can keep his large sunglasses and skinny jeans in the corner with his other dude bros trying to out-sex each other while preying on 17 year-olds at Spring Break.

Moving on, let’s talk about your big sunglasses, ladies.

For one thing, they are too fucking big and cover up like 75 percent of your face. I don’t know how this is considered attractive and sexy and how this became the norm. I get it though, they block out more sun. Well, that’s the excuse anyway. The fact that they cover your entire face and are a gigantic billboard for whatever name brand shades you have an affinity for is probably a big part of your attraction to looking like some bug-eyed sex goblin whether at the beach or driving to Zoom Tan. For the record, if you’re not picking up on what I’m saying here, that shit’s not attractive.

No one really cares about what name brand sunglasses you’re wearing. Well, that is except for the other girls who are also wearing fuchsia-colored World War I motorcycle goggles. Stop competing with each other for who has the best glasses, it is childish and lame. Be more of a hardcore bitch because a hardcore bitch wouldn’t give a shit. For example, a lame childish chick would say something like, “Oh hey girly, you didn’t say anything, so I am assuming you didn’t notice these 50 lb. Leche Bananas that are covering my entire face!” The hardcore bitch would then respond with something like, “Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing a motorcycle helmet? Fuck off.”

Additionally, another point that has to be made about these monstrosities is that you aren’t going to attract a proper mate with these alien face-huggers stuck to your face. For instance, I once had a girl come up to me who said it was great hanging out with me the previous day at some bar on the beach. I was like, “Yeah, who the fuck are you?” And then she told me and it clicked! “Oh yeah, I didn’t recognize you because your entire face was covered by sunglasses yesterday!” Then I remembered that the entire time I was talking to the girl on the previous day, that I couldn’t determine if she was attractive because I couldn’t see anything other than her little nose and tiny mouth. And this isn’t a one-off incident, it happens a lot. Half the time, I think the chicks are attempting to hide some gnarly scar or something.

I’m not trying to sound like a superficial douchebag here but the fact of the matter is, when you’re vibing with another human being and there just might be a bit of a spark, you’d like to see their face, right? I can’t tell you how many girls have ruined their game with me because I couldn’t see their face. The face tells a lot, the face is beautiful, don’t be afraid to show it off. Talking to a girl with giant fucking sunglasses is like talking to a priest behind a confessional screen. It’s just so impersonal and awkward.

When it comes to the excuse of wearing giant sunglasses because they block out more of the sun, I’m calling bullshit. For starters, I never wear sunglasses because I hate things on my face. That being said, I live in Southwest Florida where the sun is mighty intense and I am also prone to migraines. I still never wear sunglasses and I do just fine. Now when I have worn them for whatever odd reason, normal-fitting decent sized sunglasses did the job and kept the sun out of my eyes. Sunglasses aren’t hard to understand and use. When used correctly, decent sized ones work. You chicks mean to tell me that you can use a hundred different video effects apps to produce wicked Vines all day but you can’t figure out how to wear a proper pair of sunglasses?

I think I’ve made my point and there isn’t much else I really need to add. What we’ve got here is just another case of chicks being ridiculous because they’re too concerned with what other chicks think and ultimately are pushing away men who are of a better stock than the mickey-slipping beaus they usually shack up with.

Retro Relapse: Sub Making Is A Dying Art

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

When I’m not eating glorious amounts of red meat and bacon, I am usually eating a monstrous and awesome submarine sandwich. Unlike most people, I don’t have just one spot that I go to. I look at sandwiches as art and when it comes to subs, every place makes them in their own special way. I regularly go to Publix, Jersey Mike’s, Jimmy John’s, Sweetbay, Winn-Dixie, Firehouse, Quiznos, several mom and pop joints and pretty much anywhere else that you can get a sub. Although I do occasionally hit up Subway, I typically avoid it at all costs and if I do give in, I am quickly reminded as to why I stay away from the damned place.

Considering that I do frequent many places in the submarine sandwich world, I have more insight into what is going on in the industry. In a time where the world has been moving towards more automation and machine made goods, handcrafted skills have been slowly replaced. The art of sub making however, is something that should never die. I don’t think I’ve ever had a machine made sub but it wouldn’t surprise me if such a thing existed.

Being that subs are a hand-made delicacy, they are given extra special care and should be made with an undying passion for a necessary craft that should never die. I say “should” because I’ve had too many instances lately, of people making really shitty subs. I don’t know how such a thing as a shitty sub is even possible but the people I find working in a lot of these places now, apparently have no clue how to make a fucking sub or they just don’t give a shit.

My most recent bad experience is the freshest in my mind, so let me talk about that.

To start, I ordered an Italian, my preferred sandwich on most days. This woman didn’t know what meat went on the sub and actually put some turkey on it. Being the good sport I am, I didn’t correct her because I thought, “Hey, that’s something new, I’ll try it.” She then asked what cheese I wanted. I said, “provolone.” She then asked what veggies I wanted before putting the cheese on. I told her what I wanted and instructed that I would also like sub dressing. So what does she do? Well, she splashes the meat with sub dressing before putting the vegetables on it. Uh.. what the fuck? She then puts the vegetables on in giant fistfuls. She didn’t even strain the juice dripping from the vegetables. I got about 4 oz. of olive juice on my sub because she just grabbed them and dumped them on without care. She then covered the mountain of veggies with cheese slices that wouldn’t stay on top of the veggie mountain because that is not where one puts the damn cheese!

I took it home and tried to eat it. The sub dressing immediately shot down my arm, as it wasn’t soaked up in the shredded lettuce, as it should be. The bread was also soggy as fuck. Did I mention that there was too much mayonnaise and mustard? Thus, white and yellow goop kept spooging out between my fingers. The cheese was just an appetizer as it wouldn’t stay on the sub so I ate the slices by themselves. The sandwich was a sloppy mess.

Either this woman has never made a submarine sandwich or she is mentally handicapped. Now this isn’t a rare occurrence, as I’ve had similar issues at other places over the last few months. Granted, different people make your sub each time but that is what’s cool about it, as everyone has a slightly different way of doing it. When I walk into my favorite sandwich joints, I usually know which guy or gal to go to, if I have a choice. Some people make great subs, others make good subs. Until recently, I hadn’t come across many people that make truly awful subs.

I blame the managers or the trainers in these places. You need to have strict protocols and hire people who aren’t completely insane or stupid. Make these people make you a sandwich, you eat it and then ask yourself, “Does this person have the artistry to make sandwiches in my awesome shop?” Then you follow that up by making them make you nine more sandwiches. After 10 total subs, you should have a good grasp as to whether or not they can cut it.

You see, sub making is important; it is an art form and should always be treated as such. When you’ve had a tough morning at work and just want a tasty sandwich to solve the day’s problems, getting stuck with some soggy gooey giant blob that is impossible to eat and just sloppily gross, is a giant fucking bummer.

Sub making isn’t hard, it should be common sense. I mean, at this point, hasn’t everyone in the free world ordered a sub multiple times and seen how they should be made? The order of the ingredients is key. It’s not a goddamned puzzle! Additionally, giant fistfuls of every ingredient is asinine. If you can’t fold and cut the sub, you’re a moron who needs to scale it back a bit.

Maybe I just have certain standards that others don’t. Maybe I care about doing things right and making the best effort possible. Maybe I worship food too much. Whatever the case, I don’t really care. The point is, Leonardo da Vinci didn’t paint the Mona Lisa with piss.

Diets Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I’m a big guy, I’m cool with it. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be healthy. I try to stay active and eat well, as often as I can. Due to my incredibly slow metabolism or whatever, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. In that time, I have tried an endless number of fad diets and every other dietary system out there. Being 35 years-old, I think I’ve followed that cycle long enough to see the trends and results and can pretty much conclude that all these fad diets are bullshit.

I’m not going to sit here and argue against the “science” of any of these diets because for every study that says one thing, you can always find one that states the opposite. Studies are also bullshit but maybe I’ll write a separate article about that in the future.

Losing weight isn’t easy. Well, in theory it should be. Of course, if you follow most of these fad diets to a tee, you’ll probably see results but whatever the system or method is that you’re using, there is most assuredly a catch involved.

I’m sorry Dr. Atkins and your followers but your “no carb” madness is bullshit and those of you dining on bacon all day and night are going to run into some serious problems. You think at this point, that it would pretty much be common sense but people still take this diet to the nth degree: believing such dietary behavior to be a magic fix all. There is a truth to low carb/high protein diets that people need to realize. While they work for weight loss, they are harmful to your health and can be dangerous.

The crazy juicers out there have really fucked themselves. Essentially, you have to juice forever or switch over to a micronutrient diet every now and again, which allows you some solid food. Sorry, but this shit is torture and I’d rather eat responsibly than suck a tree’s dick for the rest of my life. Juicing is gross and disgusting. Plus you can’t tell me that you are taking in all of the plant when 75 percent of it is being spit out of your juicer’s ass like some sort of swamp cole slaw. Unless you are a Buddhist monk trying to prove a political point, fasting is stupid.

Don’t even get me started on “The Master Cleanse” a.k.a. the lemonade diet.

The South Beach Diet just pisses me off by the name alone, as Miami is just a shit hole of a place obsessed with stupid trends. Why would I follow their diet fad? Plus I ate one of their microwave meals one time because I was hungover at some dumb girl’s house. The meal was the worse thing I’ve ever tasted after liquid kale.

The raw food diet? I don’t get it. Vegetables and fruit are good raw but don’t ever show up at my house with a raw key lime pie made out of avocado. That shit isn’t even cute, it is an abomination and the worst idea anyone has ever had. Raw milk? Why don’t you just go to the source and suck it out of a cow’s titty?

The paleo diet, also called the caveman diet and other things, is seemingly the most plausible in my opinion. However eating what cavemen or our ancestors from the Paleolithic era ate, is damned near impossible because despite what all these books tell you, different people from different regions had access to different things. Also, there is no real way of knowing exactly what made up the diets of all these specific cultures. We have some good knowledge on it but it isn’t complete. For fuck’s sake, this was like millions of years ago. There is a reason why it is referred to as “prehistory”. Paleo practitioners eat a lot of meat and vegetables (but they’re picky as to which ones) and they stay away from grains and white potatoes. Well, there is evidence suggesting that Paleolithic people ate white potatoes and grains, so there goes that dietary theory. Paleolithic motherfuckers also ate grubs and insects. So are you going to bacon-wrap some cockroaches?

For the record, out of all the things I’ve tried, I did like the paleo diet the most, I felt the best on it compared to other diets and I lost weight at a decent rate. However, I am a sucker for meat, so I made it work.

The truth is much easier than these fad diets want you to believe. All one really has to do is use common sense and eat sensibly. You should know what is good and bad for you and if you don’t, educate yourself and quit relying on dietary quacks trying to sell their program. And that’s the thing, stop believing what every snake oil salesman is trying to sell you and do a fucking Google search to read the criticism of the product you want to rush out and buy. If it sounds to good to be true, it is.

The most successful diet I have ever been on is no diet. Knowing what is good and what is bad and eating appropriately with portion control, has led to me losing weight the quickest and most healthily. Also, one has to add exercise because to burn calories, you have to do something other than sitting on your ass watching “America’s Got Talent” or playing “Angry Birds 17”. Your body needs to work and move, which is something else that should be common sense.

And don’t be dismayed, you can still eat those things you want to eat, you just have to learn what the word “moderation” means. Yes, I eat some bad shit but I don’t eat it all the time. I post recipes for glorious high calorie treats but I have that stuff once in a blue moon. I still eat red meat, chicken, bacon, fish and the occasional Snickers bar or pint of ice cream. The fact that I don’t do it on a daily basis, makes those things much more enjoyable when I do treat myself.

Just don’t be a dumbass and don’t be some fool forking over cash for the next miracle diet book or program or $1,400 megajuicer. It’s all bullshit. If you want to know more, as to why these fad diets are crap, read some of the stuff Rational Wiki has to say about them and do further research. Know your sources and don’t take information at face value. If someone says, “studies show…” you need to run.

Retro Relapse: Everyone’s A Fucking Guru

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

Every morning while sitting on the toilet, I open up my Facebook to peruse my news feed. I used to enjoy finding good articles and interesting pictures that kept me entertained enough over the course of my morning pooh. Those days are long gone. So then I open up Instagram. Sure, there are some cool pictures but they are lightly sprinkled in amongst the sea of bullshit. The same sea of bullshit that has taken over my Facebook news feed. Twitter? Fuck Twitter. Snapchat? Sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.

So what is this sea of bullshit?

Well, it is the overabundance of motivational nonsense that I can’t avoid. It’s the fucking memes, the fucking quotes, the fucking song lyrics, the fucking poetry and the cute fucking pictures of cute fucking shit that is supposed to help me close the deal, get a raise, buy a mansion, piss out a yacht, bitch slap the gym, grow kale from my face, drink plant piss, hug a hobo, high-five a cancer patient, wrestle a sloth off of a stop sign and be satisfied with my dick size (I am, mostly… but c’mon, what guy doesn’t want a bigger dick?).

I’m sure this piece here will have some of these perfect peaches on my friends list delete me. Good, please just fucking do it. I actually might not even remember a lot of you, as I’ve hidden a bunch of chronic offenders from my news feed and frankly, I’m too lazy to find the page where I can hit “delete” on your face.

But seriously, when did the Internet get so fucking lame? When did every Tom, Dick and Joan decide that they were some sort of life guru for the world? I’m sorry, but I don’t think any of you are Richard Branson. If Richard Branson was dropping advice on me daily, I’d probably actually mull it over and not yell from my toilet seat, “Jesus fuck! Not more of this goddamned shit!”

And to be fair, it isn’t just this garbage that pisses me off. Mix in the stream of social gurus with the pseudoscience retardation, identity politics whiners and crazed Trump supporters and that’s enough to make a sane man go banana sandwich on some simple motherfuckers.

But it’s the guru shit that seems to irk me the most just because there is so much of it and the ratio of guru bullshit versus everything else is pretty monstrous. And it keeps spreading and getting bigger. Everyone on social media thinks it’s their daily fucking duty to plaster every possible data stream with generic mundane lazy Hallmark fuckery.

Are you perfect?

No, no one is fucking perfect. So, I’ll give you a pass there.

But do you have your shit completely together and actually exist in a place where you know some next level shit and can pick up your friends and give them true intellectual enlightenment? No?

Just because you’ve made it to the gym for the third day in a row or because you broke up with Russell for the eighth time doesn’t give you any special powers or insight. It doesn’t entitle you to plaster my feed with your cookie cutter third grade insight to achieve personal nirvana. And yes, I can kick you off my feed and I have but this nonsense has gotten completely unavoidable. Everyone is guilty of it to some degree. I’m sure I’ve posted some garbage in a drunken emotional state of weakness.

The problem, and the reason I call it “nonsense” is because 90 percent of the shit I see and read is fucking nonsense. It’s awful nonsense. It’s the kind of nonsense that doesn’t make any sense when you actually think about what it is saying. And most of the time, this shit is taken and represented out of its original context. And the problem, is that human beings just see this shit and repost it like it’s fucking gospel. People no longer think for themselves, social media has made it so that we can share some bullshit thought by some bullshit artist and then feel some sense of accomplishment because we’re doing our daily duty of saving the world – one fucktastic nonsensical woo woo meme and quote at a time.

But now it is my turn! Now I will be your guru! I mean, if you can be my guru, why can’t I be yours? That’s only fair, right?

So here we go!

-Step 1: Get off your fucking high horse, Deepak Chopra Jr.

-Step 2: Stop sharing bullshit.

-Step 3: Understand what you’re actually expressing or if it’s just bullshit. It is probably just bullshit.

-Step 4: Use you time better.

-Step 5: Actually handle your business and once you do something worthwhile that actually makes a difference in the world, then maybe share something.

I get it though. There is something about the “power of positivity”. The “Law of Attraction” a.k.a. “The Secret” is a big ball of horse shit but positive thinking and application does actually achieve some positive results. Well, not all the time but a positive mindset is more productive than a negative one. But that’s common sense, right?

If you want to help people, then help people. You daily meme pushers aren’t any better than the slacktivists out there that think that just because they share a Kony 2012 video that they helped save Africa. You’re fucking lazy; the Internet has made laziness too easy. I’m guilty of it too.

But c’mon, you can’t save the world and have a meaningful positive impact on multiple people just by clicking “share”. Well, at least not as much as you could have if you got off of your ass and did something. If you do care and you want to spread a positive message, make the effort.

Do I have all my shit together? No, absolutely not. But I understand that. I also understand that it is damned hard to find someone who has all their shit together. Life is a work in progress and it will be that way until we die. But should we encourage each other? Of course. But do that shit in person with your real world friends. All this positive clutter is just clutter. It all loses any impact it could have when there is a constant stream of it.

Our social lives are ruled by the need to find validation through “likes” and “shares”, mostly by strangers. And that seems to be strange and not really a positive thing, which makes this whole bullshit pretty counterproductive.

The truth is, I am probably just going to leave social media altogether, except for Instagram, as I don’t have to interact with anyone or at least feel obligated to. I know who my real friends are and I spend time with them in the physical world. I don’t need to talk to them online, we see each other in person. And we positively support each other in person.

But maybe people have just forgotten how to have organic relationships with human beings in the flesh. In the real world, it isn’t as easy to create and hide behind your ideal persona. But with real people, you can talk about your shit and not project your insecurities and issues through memes, Marilyn Monroe quotes and Taylor Swift lyrics.

I know I can be an asshole. I also know that I am a good person and that I have a truly positive impact on those I love and care about. I don’t need a bunch of strangers to validate my half-assed attempts at trying to be a beacon of light and hope lost in a sea full of other beacons competing for endless and meaningless mouse clicks.