Film Review: The Skydivers (1963)

Also known as: Fiend From Half Moon Bay, Panic at Half Moon Bay (alternative titles)
Release Date: November 13th, 1963 (San Francisco premiere)
Directed by: Coleman Francis
Written by: Coleman Francis
Music by: John Bath
Cast: Kevin Casey, Eric Tomlin, Anthony Cardoza, Marcia Knight, Titus Moede, Keith Walton, Paul Francis, Jimmy Bryant, Harold Saunders

Crown International Pictures, 75 Minutes

Review:

“Suzy, you’re a broad. Get lost!” – Harry Rowe

There are very few things in life as dull and boring as this movie. This is also painful to sit through, even with the added laughs provided by Mike and the ‘Bots on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Coleman Francis is synonymous with the dullest of all schlock. And out of all of his films, this one is absolutely the dullest of the lot.

What’s the plot?

There is none.

There’s just a fuck ton of skydiving and then some mundane talk about coffee sprinkled in to add some excitement.

According to Google, though, the film’s premise is this: A spiteful rich girl plots murder in an attempt to sabotage a sky-diving school run by an ex-GI and his wife.

Yeah, I guess it does have a semblance of a plot but I barely noticed.

Additionally, Wikipedia claims that this is generally considered to be the most watchable Coleman Francis film, albeit still of sub par quality. Citation definitely fucking needed there, Wikibois. I’d watch The Beast of Yucca Flats a hundred times over this shit festival.

There really isn’t a whole lot to say about the movie. It’s mostly just skydiving footage with terrible acting, directing and writing trying to string this all together into something coherent. But it failed miserably.

Rating: 0.5/10
Pairs well with: other Coleman Francis schlock. Or if you want something less painful, skydiving into a volcano.

Film Review: Red Zone Cuba (1966)

Also known as: Night Train to Mundo Fine (original title)
Release Date: November, 1966 (los Angeles)
Directed by: Coleman Francis
Written by: Coleman Francis
Music by: John Bath, Ray Gregory (theme)
Cast: Coleman Francis, Anthony Cardoza, Harold Saunders, John Carradine, Lanell Cado, Tom Hanson, George Prince, Frederic Downs

Hollywood Star Pictures, 89 Minutes

Review:

“That’s my daughter. She’s been blind and all, ever since her husband was killed in the war.” – Cliff

Coleman Francis movies are synonymous for being actual poop on celluloid. Thankfully, three of them were shown on episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000, which are the only versions of these movies worth watching.

Red Zone Cuba is exceptionally bad, even for MST3K standards. It is almost always featured on bloggers’ lists about the worst films featured on the show and honestly, I agree with the consensus.

There is not much redeeming value in this film, unlike other mega-schlock like Manos: The Hands of Fate or Space Mutiny. This is just a slow, boring, ugly turd.

But hey, at least it has John Carradine in it! Granted, he mostly did a lot of crap pictures after his heyday.

Anyway, to solidify my point about how bad this movie is, the voice of Tom Servo, Kevin Murphy, has often times referred to it as the worst picture he had to watch while working on and writing for MST3K.

The film’s plot sounds kind of interesting but this is Coleman Francis, so it is terribly executed and presented.

The story revolves around an ex-con that recruits other ex-cons to get involved in the Bay of Pigs while also looking for hidden treasure in Cuba.

Frankly, this is a monotonous dud. It’s even hard to watch on MST3K and I really only revisited it this time because I’m trying to review every film featured on the show and I’ve put this movie off for far too long.

Rating: 1.5/10
Pairs well with: other Coleman Francis schlock but watch the MST3K versions of them all.

Film Review: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

Release Date: May 2nd, 1961
Directed by: Coleman Francis
Written by: Coleman Francis
Music by: Gene Kauer, Irwin Nafshun, Al Remington
Cast: Tor Johnson, Douglas Mellor, Barbara Francis, Bing Stafford, Conrad Brooks

Cinema Associates, 54 Minutes

beastyuccaflatsReview:

Say what you will about Ed Wood but Coleman Francis makes him look like Peter Jackson. Luckily, for the sake of humanity, Francis only directed three films. The Beast of Yucca Flats is the first in his trilogy of cinematic diarrhea.

The film stars Tor Johnson, most famous for being a professional wrestler and the favorite monster brute of Ed Wood. He is just as lifeless and uncharismatic as he has ever been in Wood’s pictures. The rest of the cast is made up of people you will hope to never see again with a cameo and narration by director Coleman Francis.

The story is about a defecting Soviet scientist with a briefcase full of secrets. His American contacts are murdered by KGB agents, causing the scientist to flee into the Nevada desert. While wandering for a great distance, he is exposed to radiation on a nuclear test sight. The exposure turns him into a mindless killer brute with a skin condition that looks like a cosmetic facial mask that has been left on for far too long. And then he just grunts a lot, carries a big stick and moves with the speed of a slug caught in tree sap.

This is one of the dullest and least exciting movies I have ever seen. It is literally terrible in every way. The editing is probably the worst thing about the picture. The Beast of Yucca Flats transitions from scene-to-scene like a brick to the face. The sound is almost as bad as the editing. Honestly, you could write every aspect of a film down on a piece of paper, throw them in a hat and pull one out randomly and it could make an argument for worst thing about this movie.

In an effort to be objective, I guess I should point out a positive. So the one positive is that The Beast of Yucca Flats is only 54 minutes long. If I have to come up with a second positive, I should mention that it was featured in a really good episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Rating: 1.75/10