Video Game Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)

Between this and the Ninja Gaiden games, I’ve been revisiting some of the most frustrating things from my childhood.

However, I did finally beat this game after playing it on an emulator and using an actual walkthrough because those last few levels are f’n mazes, man! Mazes that will drive you bonkers, as there doesn’t seem to be much rhyme or reason to their design.

As hard as this game is, I was shocked to discover that the final boss, Shredder, was actually the easiest boss of the game. It was like someone said, “Hey you need to go through this six level obstacle course of mortal danger to kill the enemy!” and then when you get to the end, there’s just a snail you need to step on.

Anyway, the underwater level is still one of the most assholishly designed levels in video game history. While frustrated beyond absolute belief, I did beat it on the first try. I remember spending hours on it as a kid and questioning why I was even still playing the game but I hated the level so much I couldn’t let it have the last laugh.

If you have played this game, I’m sure you are already aware of how much of a pain in the dick this is.

But that being said, it’s not impossible. You can master this thing but I guess it comes down to whether or not you want to put that much time into it and whether or not it’s even worth it.

In the end, I don’t hate this game like I used to. However, it still doesn’t hold a candle to the awesome side scrolling beat’em up Turtles games that came after this first official attempt at a TMNT game.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: the other Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES games but this is the worst of the lot.

Video Game Review: Double Dragon II: The Revenge (Arcade)

The Double Dragon games were a massive part of my childhood. At least the parts that were spent at the video arcade or playing the original Nintendo.

My fondest memories were of the original game and Super Nintendo’s Super Double Dragon. However, when this game first came out, I was ecstatic that my favorite beat’em up side scroller of the time was getting a sequel.

Sadly, this one disappointed, even if I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself it was awesome.

My biggest gripe with the game is how they altered the controls. How you attack depends on how you are facing the enemy, which made attacks from multiple sides a pretty infuriating experience. I could play this for hours and my brain still couldn’t adapt to the bizarre and terrible change.

Playing this now, I turned it off about two-thirds of the way through because even on MAME, where I can alter the controls to my liking, I still couldn’t get the game to work in a fluid and fun way. I was bogged down by the shitty combat system.

Also, the enemies in this game just seem a lot more annoying, which is only compounded by the awful controls.

On top of that, this feels more like a rehash of the first game with shittier and more generic level design. Where the first game inspired imagination, this one just felt like one of the dozens of games that ripped off Double Dragon. This really added nothing good to the game series and in fact, made it worse.

However, the Nintendo version of the game is much better with some pretty good level design and additions. Sadly, it’s still got these shitty controls though.

Rating: 5/10
Pairs well with: the other Double Dragon games, as well as other side scrolling beat’em ups from the era.

Video Game Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time (Arcade)

Being that the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game was nearly perfect, I wanted to play the arcade version of its sequel.

Now I have played Turtles In Time before but it was always the version for home consoles and not its superior arcade counterpart.

This was a blast to playthrough though, as it plays just like its predecessor. The controllers and look of the game are the same and the only real difference is that this comes with new levels, new bosses and the time travel element thrown in. If anything, it’s an expansion of the great first game.

My only real complaint is that the boss battles in this one weren’t as good or as memorable as the first game. I missed beating up on the more popular baddies, as this chapter gives us mostly second and third tier Turtles villains.

However, the final boss fights were a lot of fun. The battle with Krang felt fresh and new and not just a rehash of what was done in the previous installment. Also, the final fight with Shredder was more challenging and the cherry on top of this superb banana split of awesomeness.

Overall, I liked this one less than the first game. However, it is a solid compliment to it and it kept things fresh enough to allow it to stand on its own as a worthy side scrolling beat’em up.

Rating: 9.25/10
Pairs well with: the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game.

Video Game Review: Crime Fighters (Arcade)

Yes, yes, I know… I’ve been playing the shit out of arcade side scrolling beat’em ups. But I just got MAME a few weeks ago and I’m trying to relive the best that my favorite video game genre has to offer. Well, it was my favorite genre when I was eleven but whatever.

I had some pretty fond memories of playing Crime Fighters as a kid. I even remember being disappointed when my primary local arcade got rid of the machine. It was a dark, dark day.

But now, almost thirty years since that broken heart, I can play this game whenever the hell I want.

For beat’em ups, this one is pretty standard. You move with the screen, you smash foes with your fists and feet and you get to play with weapons the baddies drop after you knock them out.

What’s unique about this game, though, is that it has a bit of slapstick humor thrown into it. I always thought that was amusing as a kid and frankly, I completely forgot about it until playing through this again.

Another factor that sets this apart from similar games is that the bosses are all pretty cool and homages to awesome characters of the time. There is a guy that looks like Freddy Krueger, one that looks like Jason Voorhees, a chainsaw dude, a punk dude, an Ivan Drago looking guy and others I’m sure I’m forgetting.

If you dig this genre, you’ll dig this game. Especially, if you’re a fan of retro gaming, as well as ’80s horror.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: other side scrolling beat’em ups of the era.

Video Game Review: P.O.W.: Prisoners of War (Arcade)

Since I’ve been using MAME the last few weeks, I’ve been playing a lot of side scrolling beat’em ups. These were my favorite arcade games as a kid, though. So it’s really no surprise to myself that these are the first games I’ve spent my time revisiting.

I had some fond memories of playing P.O.W. However, it doesn’t hold a candle to Double Dragon or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game.

It’s very repetitious and it’s also pretty tedious.

You start by busting out of prison and immediately have to fistfight your way through hundreds of soldiers on your way to freedom.

The game feels like a cheaper, watered down version of Double Dragon with the plot of the second Missing In Action movie. While that may sound like a winning combination, this is just a cookie cutter beat’em up for the most part.

The only thing that I really liked about it is that you can pick up machine guns and blast on baddies. However, they quickly run out of ammo and are useless. But they’re good (and fun) power boosts for the few seconds they work.

The level design is pretty basic and nothing is all that imaginative.

Some of the baddies are a pain in the ass just to be a pain in the ass and this isn’t a game you can blow through with any sort of strategy. You get easily overwhelmed and you get caught in beat down loops where you just get thrashed by the enemy and can’t break free to throw a punch back at them.

P.O.W. is not a recommend but there are also far worse games out there in this genre.

Rating: 5.5/10
Pairs well with: other side scrolling beat’em ups of the era.

Video Game Review: Double Dragon (Arcade)

Double Dragon was a game so good that when I heard rumors about a film being made, I was f’n ecstatic. But then the film came out, looked like absolute horseshit and I never saw it out of protest.

Still, the franchise, as far as the games go, was always solid. The games were superior beat’em ups that seemed pretty immersive, even if they primarily consisted of button mashing and trying to throw that fucknut Abobo into a pit.

Most people have probably played the original Nintendo versions of the first three games. Assuming said people were born before 1985. But only a few of us probably remember that it was an arcade game first. And the one thing I remember about the arcade version, is that it always seemed a lot better graphically, felt more fluid, had much better sound and just came across as way more badass.

Playing it again now, for the first time since the late ’80s, all that still holds true.

Although, I have to say that the NES version does have better level design and feels a bit more imaginative. But I think that was done by the developers to expand on the game to detract players from what it was lacking. Also, the NES version had more baddies and new bosses like Chin… and more Abobos.

I love how this game plays though. And the arcade version is more of a straight up side scroller with simple levels but everything is on point. Plus, this game’s superb soundtrack just sounds so much better in this version.

If you can run MAME or have the money for the original Double Dragon arcade cabinet, it’s worth revisiting.

Rating: 8.5/10
Pairs well with: the other Double Dragon games, as well as other side scrolling beat’em ups from the era.

Video Game Review: Splatterhouse (TurboGrafx-16)

Splatterhouse was one of those games I used to see in all the gaming magazines of the late ’80s. However, no one I knew had a TurboGrafx-16, so I never got to play it.

Anyway, the game was always highly touted but I think that was because of the gore factor, as video games didn’t have a lot of blood and splatter back then.

Having played it now, it was fun enough but nothing fantastic.

The TurboGrafx-16 runs and plays really smooth but I thought the controls were a bit wonky.

Also, the main character feels a bit large and chunky compared to what was the norm at the time. This feels like it’s scaled for a handheld console even though it wasn’t. Although, it probably looked good on the handheld Turbo Express.

I thought that the level design was pretty mediocre and while some of it looks cool, it’s just repetitive side scrolling fare. Plus, many obstacles were hard to avoid, especially while being overwhelmed by other enemies. Also, since this doesn’t play arcade style, where one can just continue off from where they die, it makes advancing difficult without a lot of experience.

Frankly, I don’t want to play this long enough to get that experienced.

Additionally, the boss battles I did play were confusing and disorienting. It wasn’t clear what you were supposed to do in some cases.

If I can get my hands on the sequels, I’ll check them out and give them a playthrough too. Maybe they improved on some of this game’s faults.

Rating: 6/10
Pairs well with: the sequels in this series, as well as other TurboGrafx-16 games and arcade beat’em ups.