Film Review: Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

Release Date: April 10th, 2013 (New York City premiere)
Directed by: James Nguyen
Written by: James Nguyen
Music by: Michael Gordon Shapiro
Cast: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Patsy van Ettinger, Thomas Favaloro, Chelsea Turnbo, Brittany N. Pierce, Thuan Luu, Aaron Pressburg, Sam Hyde

Moviehead Pictures, I Got A Fish Productions, Chill, 79 Minutes

Review:

“Squaaah! Squaaah! Squaaah!” – every bird in the movie

This movie shouldn’t have been made once, let alone twice.

Seriously, this was fucking terrible with a capital FUCKING TERRIBLE.

I don’t mind the cast though. They seem like nice people having fun making these shitty ripoffs of The Birds, which are littered with environmental nonsense, alarmism and misinformation to the point that I can’t believe that the director is remotely serious about it. But then I’ve watched his interviews… he’s totally serious.

Anyway, the plot is even crazier than the first movie. Somehow it rains blood on the La Brea Tar Pits and prehistoric birds come flying out of the muck. Then there are other creatures effected too and we even get scenes featuring human zombies and killer cavemen. This tapestry of terrible bullshit makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

There is a sequence where a woman is attacked by a CGI jellyfish that is very pixelated. It’s one of the most bizarre and baffling sequences I have ever seen on film. And then when the girl emerges from the water, she is covered in blood all over her body. How in the fuck can a jelly fish do that? Seriously? The director needs to watch a friggin’ Nat Geo documentary about jellyfish or hell… birds. While we’re at it, he should probably also watch ones on global warming, the environment and just general science.

The acting is beyond atrocious, the directing is completely nonexistent but we do get to see some nice boobies and horrendous dancing from uncoordinated white people.

I watched this alone in my room but the film made me feel awkward. Like people were looking down at me from Heaven, judging me for wasting my time on this. I could hear my dead relatives going, “There he is, just wasting away in his room spending 79 minutes on this garbage when he could be bettering himself somehow or making sandwiches for starving hobos.”

This movie is a blight on humanity. It’s easily one of the worst things ever filmed and I feel bad for the actors that came back to do this a second time. Like did their hours get cut at Starbucks? Because they certainly didn’t make more money doing this than working the Thursday morning shift.

Rating: 1.25/10
Pairs well with: Birdemic and really nothing else.

 

Comic Review: Ultimate Comics Spider-Man, Vol. 2

Published: December 5th, 2012
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: David Marquez, Sara Pichelli, Chris Samnee

Marvel Comics, 113 Pages

Review:

I was really sold on the Miles Morales character after reading the first volume of this series, which served to be his origin story. With this one, we get to see Miles struggle with mastering his powers and how he is faced with a major moral dilemma.

His uncle, who is the Prowler, becomes aware that Miles is the new Spider-Man. He seeks out his nephew in an attempt to get him to help take out Scorpion, who is in New York City to get revenge on the Prowler. Miles really wants no part of it but his uncle blackmails him and then other circumstances push him towards a showdown with Scorpion, which is set to happen in the third volume.

This isn’t just a build towards a battle with Scorpion though. Miles also faces off with some known villains in this volume. We see him pitted against famous X-Men villain Omega Red and lesser known villain the Ringer.

While I really enjoyed this chapter in the Miles Morales story, it was slower and less exciting than the previous one. It is still very good and builds off of the first volume but other than advancing the story between Miles and his Uncle Aaron, not much happens. I’m assuming shit will hit the fan though in the next volume, as Spidey and the Prowler confront Scorpion.

Rating: 8.5/10
Pairs well with: The other early Mile Morales Spider-Man stories. Also, Spider-Men I and II and Spider-Verse.

Comic Review: The Man of Steel (2018 Miniseries)

Published: May 30th, 2018
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: Jason Fabok, Ivan Reis, Joe Prado, Alex Sinclair, Steve Rude, Evan Shaner, Ryan Sook, Wade von Grawbadger, Kevin Maguire, Adam Hughes

DC Comics, 155 Pages

Review:

Brian Michael Bendis lost me a long time ago. But when he left Marvel for DC Comics and was given a weekly Superman miniseries to write, I was intrigued. It had been a while since I really got into a Superman story and even longer since Bendis wowed me. Would these two forces coming together give us something great?

Well, not really. But this did get off to a really strong start. I’ll explain.

This story is stretched over six issues that were released weekly, as a lead-in to the Bendis Superman ongoing series. The story started out really strong and it had me hooked over the first four issues. Things changed as I got to issue five though and I didn’t like the conclusion. Anything after this sentence is going into major spoiler territory, so you’ve been warned.

A new villain has arrived in the DC universe and his name is Rogol Zaar. Apparently, Zaar was instrumental in the cataclysmic event that destroyed Krypton. Now, he wants to do the same thing to Earth, as he must “cleanse” it from Kryptonians. I thought that Zaar was a pretty cool and intimidating villain but his design could have been better. He kind of just looks like a generic cosmic brute that Superman or a Green Lantern would take out after a bit of a struggle on the way to fighting a badder, major villain.

Ultimately, Superman gets help from Supergirl and his Justice League pals: Batman, Wonder Woman, the Hal Jordan Green Lantern, Cyborg and the Flash.

Superman also has to deal with the surprise appearance of his father, who randomly crashed into his apartment to take his grandson away for some sort of training experience. Superman’s son Jonathan wants to go but Supes and Lois Lane don’t agree. Then everyone ends up ganging up on Superman and cucks him out (for lack of a better description) and his son and Lois both leave with his dad, leaving him alone clutching a teddy bear. For real, this happens and it is baffling as hell seeing Superman without balls.

Then in the final battle, Superman is struggling and Supergirl just shows up and throws the big bad guy into the Negative Zone in the most anticlimactic, easy and bullshit ending possible. So he was upstaged by his little cousin like it was no big deal.

Yeah, the last two issues had me scratching my head and then I remembered what was going on here and his name is Brian Michael Bendis. For four issues, Bendis had his audience back in the palm of his hand and then he Bendised the fuck out of us!

Now I can excuse this dime store bullshit if it actually leads to something better and greater for the ongoing Superman series but I’m going to go into that title with serious caution.

It’s just that 66.7 percent of this story was really damn good. I don’t know if Bendis does this shit on purpose or if he just has good ideas without the ability to close out his stories.

In any event, this miniseries and the regular series to follow are going to have a major impact on the larger Superman mythos. Hell, they already have by making Rogol Zaar the force behind the destruction of Krypton.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: One would assume, the upcoming Superman series by Brian Michael Bendis.

Film Review: For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Release Date: June 24th, 1981 (London premiere)
Directed by: John Glen
Written by: Michael G. Wilson, Richard Maibaum
Based on: the James Bond novels by Ian Fleming
Music by: Bill Conti
Cast: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Lynn Holly Johnson, Julian Glover, Cassandra Harris, Charles Dance, Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell

Eon Productions, United Artists, 127 Minutes

Review:

“Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen! In stainless steel!” – Blofeld

This used to be my least favorite Roger Moore James Bond movie and because of that, I hadn’t watched it in a really long time. Having revisited it now, I’m not sure why I considered it so low. I actually enjoyed it but maybe that’s also because I hadn’t seen it in over a decade.

I guess what I like about this is that it feels more serious than Moore’s other Bond movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Moore era cheese but this showed me what he was capable of had his scripts been a bit more refined and less campy. And while this does have some campiness, it’s not there to greet you with a wide smile every five minutes. This is action heavy and some of the moments in the film have serious consequences. The tone is similar to the more serious Connery pictures or the Timothy Dalton ones that came later.

The big dune buggy battle on the beach is pretty intense and it leaves you with a similar feeling of loss as the painful and emotional ending of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Granted, it’s nowhere near as impactful as that but it does parallel that situation in some ways and it shows that this chapter in the Moore era isn’t just a live action cartoon.

This film also calls back to the Connery era with its underwater scenes that feel like they’re straight out of Thunderball. These scenes look a little more polished however, as it’s been over fifteen years since Thunderball was released.

Also, we get Connery’s big bad guy in the opening sequence of this film. We see Ernst Stavro Blofeld return and pretty much get killed off, as he wouldn’t return to the series until the modern Daniel Craig era. This was probably due to the studio losing the rights to SPECTRE after the Connery films. This was Eon’s way of killing SPECTRE and frankly, everyone was clamoring to see Blofeld finally get his just desserts after mysteriously disappearing from the series before Bond was able to get some proper revenge.

One cool thing about For Your Eyes Only is that the villain is Julian Glover a.k.a. Walter Donovan from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and General Veers from The Empire Strikes Back. I’ve always been a big fan of Glover and he has been a villain in three of my all-time favorite franchises. He is pretty tame as a Bond villain though and isn’t as memorable or gimmicky as some of the more famous baddies but he had a good presence in the film nonetheless.

I also really like the young ice skater girl. Sure, she was a bit annoying and too young for Bond but I found her charming and entertaining. Kudos to Lynn-Holly Johnson for bringing her to life and making her a character that contrasts her more famous role in Ice Castles. My mum loved Ice Castles, I was tortured by it as a kid. That and The Cutting Edge. My mum loved friggin’ ice skating movies. She said Slap Shot didn’t count though, even though I pointed out the skating skills of the Hanson Bros. on numerous occasions.

Back to the topic at hand, For Your Eyes Only was a Bond film that I wasn’t super fond of. But it’s moved up the mental list stored in my head and maybe I should update the list I posted on this site awhile ago.

Rating: 7.25/10
Pairs well with: The other Roger Moore James Bond movies.

Comic Review: Death of Wolverine

Published: January 7th, 2015
Written by: Charles Soule
Art by: Steve McNive

Marvel Comics, 108 Pages

Review:

I had heard great things about this story but to be honest, I was pretty underwhelmed. However, it started out pretty strong and just sort of tapered off as the story rolled on. Each issue in the four that made up this arc was weaker than the one before it.

I also didn’t read much of the Wolverine stuff around the time that this came out. So I’m not sure if this is a canon death or if it was a sort of one shot, alternate timeline thing. But he is currently “dead” in Marvel continuity. But the thing is, if this was the story where he died, it was a really weak exit for such an incredible character. Granted, this is a comic book and Marvel is already working towards bringing him back because no one stays dead in comics.

The story started out good and I really liked the art. I liked the inclusion of Sabretooth, Kitty Pryde and Viper. Seeing Reed Richards, Nuke and Lady Deathstrike pop up for a minute was also cool but none of these characters could save this book, which just felt like an anticlimactic and pointless dud.

When compared to the other great Wolverine book of the last few years Old Man Logan, this thing doesn’t come close to that masterpiece’s greatness. I think this story will fade away and be forgotten but Old Man Logan will go on to be one of the best stories in comics history.

Rating: 6/10
Pairs well with: Old Man Logan, the original story, as well as the ongoing series.

Comic Review: G.I. Joe: Infestation 2

Published: March 14th, 2012
Written by: Mike Raicht
Art by: Valentino De Landro, John Rauch
Based on: G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero by Hasbro

IDW Publishing, 53 Pages

Review:

I read the first G.I. Joe: Infestation story not too long ago and reviewed it. It was okay but a bit weird and didn’t seem to have much of a point. The original one was a mega crossover event with other properties that saw them all fighting zombies. This version is pretty much the same thing but instead of zombies, we get a Lovecraftian horror twist.

But like the original, this one was kind of fun but also seemed pretty pointless.

Maybe I need to read the entire Infestation runs but I’m just not interested in most of the other franchises in these crossovers other than TransformersGhostbusters and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I don’t care so much for IDW’s own original franchises and how they’re tied in. There are also tie ins to 30 Days of Night and Dungeons & Dragons but I don’t care about either of those. Well, unless the D&D book followed the characters from the ’80s cartoon but it doesn’t, it’s just generic D&D stuff.

Like the first Infestation, this one spends some time with the Baroness. But we also get some action from Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes, which immediately makes this a bit cooler than its predecessor.

The problem with the Infestation series of books, is that they’re just too short. Maybe it all works better from a narrative standpoint if you read them all but I’d rather just have a more fleshed out G.I. Joe take on H.P. Lovecraft.

This isn’t a waste of time but it also isn’t a must read. It also isn’t necessary if you are trying to read through IDW’s core G.I. Joe stuff, as I recently did. It’s a stand alone story that isn’t specifically tied into anything in the IDW G.I. Joe canon.

Rating: 6/10
Pairs well with: Other releases in IDW’s multi-franchise Infestation and Infestation 2 crossovers.

Comic Review: Batman/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Vol. 1

Published: July 25th, 2017
Written by: James Tynion IV
Art by: Freddie Williams II

IDW Publishing, DC Comics, 176 Pages

Review:

When this was first announced, I got pretty excited. But at the time, hunting down single issues of comics was hard for me, as my closest comic book shops are both 45 minutes in opposite directions. So I planned on waiting for it to be collected in a trade paperback format.

I mean, who doesn’t want to read a team up of Batman and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? On top of that, who doesn’t want to see Batman fight Shredder? Yeah, because that’s just about all I could think about when I first heard that this crossover was happening.

You get more than that though. You also get to see Shredder team up with Ra’s al Ghul and several Batman villains get exposed to mutagen and thus, turn into TMNT styled animal villains. The Penguin obviously becomes a penguin but my favorite was Mr. Freeze as a polar bear. You also get to see Casey Jones show up about midway through the story arc.

Overall, this was a lot of fun. I heard that the follow up wasn’t as good but I’ll read that once it’s complete. I think there are still issues coming out for that sequel run.

This comic is really just fan service done really well. It’s not an exceptional story but it doesn’t need to be. It just needs to take these two franchises and smash them together and let everyone loose.

One of the highlights for me was seeing Alfred interact with Michelangelo. That shit was comedy gold.

I can’t call this a great book but if you love both franchises this is certainly worth your ten or fifteen bucks.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: Batman/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Vol. 2 and other recent TMNT crossovers.