Film Review: Get Carter (1971)

Release Date: February 3rd, 1971 (Los Angeles premiere)
Directed by: Mike Hodges
Written by: Mike Hodges
Based on: Jack’s Return Home by Ted Lewis
Music by: Roy Budd
Cast: Michael Caine, Ian Hendry, John Osborne, Britt Ekland

MGM-EMI, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, 112 Minutes

Review:

“You know, I’d almost forgotten what your eyes looked like. Still the same. Pissholes in the snow.” – Jack Carter

I can’t believe I never watched this film until now. It’s a cool ass motion picture. Now I did see the remake with Stallone from 2000 but that one left a bad taste in my mouth. This however, was a balls out revenge fest.

Michael Caine plays Jack Carter. He discovers that his deceased brother was murdered by some mobsters. He then spends the rest of the movie on a revenge quest, knocking off the scum that were behind his brother’s death.

There are also a lot of babes and Caine gets to toy around with several, most notably the incredibly sexy Britt Ekland, who gets naked. She would go on to be a Bond girl in The Man With the Golden Gun and would get even more naked in The Wicker Man.

I loved Caine in this and it is so cool seeing him kick serious ass in his younger days. Sure, he kicks ass as an older man too but he just had a presence here that made him debonair, dangerous and pretty fucking sexy, if I do say so myself. I’m not gay but I can appreciate a masculine dime piece through straight eyes.

This film also had film-noir elements to it, which pulled me in right away. This is more of a neo-noir, as it has that sort of style to it. The tone reminds me of Jean-Pierre Melville’s Le Samouraï.

The plot has noir styled twists and turns and it throws femme fatales into the mix but you never really feel like Caine’s Carter could be outwitted by them.

There really isn’t anything negative I can say about the picture. It was well acted, well directed and had some stupendous camera work and cinematography.

Rating: 8.25/10
Pairs well with: Other old school Michael Caine movies: The Italian Job, PulpThe Ipcress FileFuneral In Berlin.

Film Review: Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013)

Release Date: April 10th, 2013 (New York City premiere)
Directed by: James Nguyen
Written by: James Nguyen
Music by: Michael Gordon Shapiro
Cast: Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Patsy van Ettinger, Thomas Favaloro, Chelsea Turnbo, Brittany N. Pierce, Thuan Luu, Aaron Pressburg, Sam Hyde

Moviehead Pictures, I Got A Fish Productions, Chill, 79 Minutes

Review:

“Squaaah! Squaaah! Squaaah!” – every bird in the movie

This movie shouldn’t have been made once, let alone twice.

Seriously, this was fucking terrible with a capital FUCKING TERRIBLE.

I don’t mind the cast though. They seem like nice people having fun making these shitty ripoffs of The Birds, which are littered with environmental nonsense, alarmism and misinformation to the point that I can’t believe that the director is remotely serious about it. But then I’ve watched his interviews… he’s totally serious.

Anyway, the plot is even crazier than the first movie. Somehow it rains blood on the La Brea Tar Pits and prehistoric birds come flying out of the muck. Then there are other creatures effected too and we even get scenes featuring human zombies and killer cavemen. This tapestry of terrible bullshit makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like 2001: A Space Odyssey.

There is a sequence where a woman is attacked by a CGI jellyfish that is very pixelated. It’s one of the most bizarre and baffling sequences I have ever seen on film. And then when the girl emerges from the water, she is covered in blood all over her body. How in the fuck can a jelly fish do that? Seriously? The director needs to watch a friggin’ Nat Geo documentary about jellyfish or hell… birds. While we’re at it, he should probably also watch ones on global warming, the environment and just general science.

The acting is beyond atrocious, the directing is completely nonexistent but we do get to see some nice boobies and horrendous dancing from uncoordinated white people.

I watched this alone in my room but the film made me feel awkward. Like people were looking down at me from Heaven, judging me for wasting my time on this. I could hear my dead relatives going, “There he is, just wasting away in his room spending 79 minutes on this garbage when he could be bettering himself somehow or making sandwiches for starving hobos.”

This movie is a blight on humanity. It’s easily one of the worst things ever filmed and I feel bad for the actors that came back to do this a second time. Like did their hours get cut at Starbucks? Because they certainly didn’t make more money doing this than working the Thursday morning shift.

Rating: 1.25/10
Pairs well with: Birdemic and really nothing else.

 

Comic Review: Ultimate Comics Spider-Man, Vol. 2

Published: December 5th, 2012
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: David Marquez, Sara Pichelli, Chris Samnee

Marvel Comics, 113 Pages

Review:

I was really sold on the Miles Morales character after reading the first volume of this series, which served to be his origin story. With this one, we get to see Miles struggle with mastering his powers and how he is faced with a major moral dilemma.

His uncle, who is the Prowler, becomes aware that Miles is the new Spider-Man. He seeks out his nephew in an attempt to get him to help take out Scorpion, who is in New York City to get revenge on the Prowler. Miles really wants no part of it but his uncle blackmails him and then other circumstances push him towards a showdown with Scorpion, which is set to happen in the third volume.

This isn’t just a build towards a battle with Scorpion though. Miles also faces off with some known villains in this volume. We see him pitted against famous X-Men villain Omega Red and lesser known villain the Ringer.

While I really enjoyed this chapter in the Miles Morales story, it was slower and less exciting than the previous one. It is still very good and builds off of the first volume but other than advancing the story between Miles and his Uncle Aaron, not much happens. I’m assuming shit will hit the fan though in the next volume, as Spidey and the Prowler confront Scorpion.

Rating: 8.5/10
Pairs well with: The other early Mile Morales Spider-Man stories. Also, Spider-Men I and II and Spider-Verse.

Film Review: Saturn 3 (1980)

Also known as: The Helper (working title), Saturn-City (Germany), Kronos III (Greece)
Release Date: February 15th, 1980
Directed by: Stanley Donen, John Barry (uncredited)
Written by: Martin Amis, John Barry
Music by: Elmer Bernstein
Cast: Farrah Fawcett, Kirk Douglas, Harvey Keitel

ITC Entertainment, Associated Film Distribution, 88 Minutes

Review:

“Now tell me. Can you talk? Or are you malfunctioning?” – Benson, “I AM NOT MALFUNCTIONING – YOU ARE” – Hector

This film has three actors and a killer robot. Well two actors, a robot and Farrah Fawcett, who isn’t as robotic as the robot but is clearly overshadowed by the two other actors in this: Kirk Douglas and Harvey Keitel. Fawcett was the top billed star however, as she was at the absolute height of her career when this came out and she got her boobies out, which was something to behold when I was way too young to see this film for the first time.

I remembered this movie feeling incredibly cheesy and it does have a lot of cheese. However, it is also better than my memory’s recollection of it.

This film is pretty damn dark for looking like it was made on leftover sets from Battlestar Galactica. The robot is creepier than most of the killer robots from the time period. However, the story behind the robot and why it is a killer is more interesting than what similar films did, as he actually has a backstory and you fully understand why he is out for blood.

This film has a lot of narrative layers to it, which was impressive for a 1980 sci-fi film with an obviously small budget. There is some real philosophy in this movie, which was way over my head as a kid.

Harvey Keitel was a great slimeball in this but he wasn’t as disturbing as his role in Taxi Driver. But he did bring some of that darkness into this and he was great as the villainous Benson.

Kirk Douglas was typical Kirk Douglas as the more heroic male character of the two and he just came off as he always does, as a real man’s man.

Fawcett was also pretty impressive when you compare this to her most famous role as one of Charlie’s Angels. She got to be dramatic in this and showed signs that she could perform well beyond just being a TV sex symbol. I wouldn’t say that she ever became great but had her career continued on an upward trajectory, she wouldn’t have been half bad.

Saturn 3 looks fantastical and lighthearted in its style but it is a pretty dark movie with some disturbing undertones to it. It’s definitely worth checking out if you like sci-fi films of its era.

Rating: 6.75/10
Pairs well with: Outland, The Black HoleFlash Gordon (1980), The Last Starfighter, Dune and the original Battlestar Galactica TV series.

TV Review: Flight of the Conchords (2007-2009)

Also known as: Los Conchords (Spain)
Original Run: February 26th, 2016-current
Created by: James Bobin, Jemaine Clement, Bret McKenzie
Directed by: James Bobin, Taika Waititi, various
Written by: James Bobin, Jemaine Clement, Bret McKenzie, Taika Waititi, various
Music by: Jemaine Clement, Bret McKenzie
Cast: Jemaine Clement, Bret McKenzie, Rhys Darby, Kristen Schaal, Arj Barker

Dakota Pictures, HBO, 22 Episodes, 26 Minutes (per episode)

Review:

*Written in 2015.

Having just watched Jemaine Clement in the fantastic What We Do In the Shadows, I was inspired to revisit Flight of the Conchords, as I hadn’t watched it since it was last on HBO in 2009. Also, I had never seen it in its entirety and in the proper sequence. Now I have and I’m glad I did. By the way, both seasons are streaming for free on Amazon’s video-on-demand service, right now.

So, as much as I loved this show when it was current, I loved it even more revisiting it several years later and after seeing Clement’s career evolve. It was nice to get back to basics and see him and his crew at their best. I wouldn’t call this their creative peak but I would say that it was where they were the most in-tune to the versatility of their talents.

Following a New Zealand band, the Flight of the Conchords, and their lives trying to make it in New York City, is a unique experience. The show ties together entertaining stories, hilarious musical segments and great characters that are unlike any other. Being that everyone in this show is pretty much an exaggerated extension of themselves makes it feel authentic despite its absurdity.

Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie are a perfect duo and play off of each other so well, that there is nothing unnatural or forced about their relationship. Kristen Schaal and Rhys Darby are also great members of this show’s cast and are both believable and lovable. Arj Barker, who plays their best friend, is fantastic as Dave. In fact, if you have time, go to YouTube and search for “Dave’s Pearls of Wisdom”.

This is one of the best comedies HBO has ever aired and they have aired several comedies that are now classics. I wish that the show went on for more than two seasons but the quality of work was so strong, and the ending was pretty fitting. There are few shows that feel this satisfying throughout their entire run.

Rating: 9/10
Pairs well with: Other films and shows created by this same group of guys: What We Do In the Shadows, Eagle Vs. Shark, etc.

Comic Review: The Man of Steel (2018 Miniseries)

Published: May 30th, 2018
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: Jason Fabok, Ivan Reis, Joe Prado, Alex Sinclair, Steve Rude, Evan Shaner, Ryan Sook, Wade von Grawbadger, Kevin Maguire, Adam Hughes

DC Comics, 155 Pages

Review:

Brian Michael Bendis lost me a long time ago. But when he left Marvel for DC Comics and was given a weekly Superman miniseries to write, I was intrigued. It had been a while since I really got into a Superman story and even longer since Bendis wowed me. Would these two forces coming together give us something great?

Well, not really. But this did get off to a really strong start. I’ll explain.

This story is stretched over six issues that were released weekly, as a lead-in to the Bendis Superman ongoing series. The story started out really strong and it had me hooked over the first four issues. Things changed as I got to issue five though and I didn’t like the conclusion. Anything after this sentence is going into major spoiler territory, so you’ve been warned.

A new villain has arrived in the DC universe and his name is Rogol Zaar. Apparently, Zaar was instrumental in the cataclysmic event that destroyed Krypton. Now, he wants to do the same thing to Earth, as he must “cleanse” it from Kryptonians. I thought that Zaar was a pretty cool and intimidating villain but his design could have been better. He kind of just looks like a generic cosmic brute that Superman or a Green Lantern would take out after a bit of a struggle on the way to fighting a badder, major villain.

Ultimately, Superman gets help from Supergirl and his Justice League pals: Batman, Wonder Woman, the Hal Jordan Green Lantern, Cyborg and the Flash.

Superman also has to deal with the surprise appearance of his father, who randomly crashed into his apartment to take his grandson away for some sort of training experience. Superman’s son Jonathan wants to go but Supes and Lois Lane don’t agree. Then everyone ends up ganging up on Superman and cucks him out (for lack of a better description) and his son and Lois both leave with his dad, leaving him alone clutching a teddy bear. For real, this happens and it is baffling as hell seeing Superman without balls.

Then in the final battle, Superman is struggling and Supergirl just shows up and throws the big bad guy into the Negative Zone in the most anticlimactic, easy and bullshit ending possible. So he was upstaged by his little cousin like it was no big deal.

Yeah, the last two issues had me scratching my head and then I remembered what was going on here and his name is Brian Michael Bendis. For four issues, Bendis had his audience back in the palm of his hand and then he Bendised the fuck out of us!

Now I can excuse this dime store bullshit if it actually leads to something better and greater for the ongoing Superman series but I’m going to go into that title with serious caution.

It’s just that 66.7 percent of this story was really damn good. I don’t know if Bendis does this shit on purpose or if he just has good ideas without the ability to close out his stories.

In any event, this miniseries and the regular series to follow are going to have a major impact on the larger Superman mythos. Hell, they already have by making Rogol Zaar the force behind the destruction of Krypton.

Rating: 7.5/10
Pairs well with: One would assume, the upcoming Superman series by Brian Michael Bendis.

Film Review: For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Release Date: June 24th, 1981 (London premiere)
Directed by: John Glen
Written by: Michael G. Wilson, Richard Maibaum
Based on: the James Bond novels by Ian Fleming
Music by: Bill Conti
Cast: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Lynn Holly Johnson, Julian Glover, Cassandra Harris, Charles Dance, Desmond Llewelyn, Lois Maxwell

Eon Productions, United Artists, 127 Minutes

Review:

“Mr Bond! We can do a deal! I’ll buy you a delicatessen! In stainless steel!” – Blofeld

This used to be my least favorite Roger Moore James Bond movie and because of that, I hadn’t watched it in a really long time. Having revisited it now, I’m not sure why I considered it so low. I actually enjoyed it but maybe that’s also because I hadn’t seen it in over a decade.

I guess what I like about this is that it feels more serious than Moore’s other Bond movies. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Moore era cheese but this showed me what he was capable of had his scripts been a bit more refined and less campy. And while this does have some campiness, it’s not there to greet you with a wide smile every five minutes. This is action heavy and some of the moments in the film have serious consequences. The tone is similar to the more serious Connery pictures or the Timothy Dalton ones that came later.

The big dune buggy battle on the beach is pretty intense and it leaves you with a similar feeling of loss as the painful and emotional ending of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. Granted, it’s nowhere near as impactful as that but it does parallel that situation in some ways and it shows that this chapter in the Moore era isn’t just a live action cartoon.

This film also calls back to the Connery era with its underwater scenes that feel like they’re straight out of Thunderball. These scenes look a little more polished however, as it’s been over fifteen years since Thunderball was released.

Also, we get Connery’s big bad guy in the opening sequence of this film. We see Ernst Stavro Blofeld return and pretty much get killed off, as he wouldn’t return to the series until the modern Daniel Craig era. This was probably due to the studio losing the rights to SPECTRE after the Connery films. This was Eon’s way of killing SPECTRE and frankly, everyone was clamoring to see Blofeld finally get his just desserts after mysteriously disappearing from the series before Bond was able to get some proper revenge.

One cool thing about For Your Eyes Only is that the villain is Julian Glover a.k.a. Walter Donovan from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and General Veers from The Empire Strikes Back. I’ve always been a big fan of Glover and he has been a villain in three of my all-time favorite franchises. He is pretty tame as a Bond villain though and isn’t as memorable or gimmicky as some of the more famous baddies but he had a good presence in the film nonetheless.

I also really like the young ice skater girl. Sure, she was a bit annoying and too young for Bond but I found her charming and entertaining. Kudos to Lynn-Holly Johnson for bringing her to life and making her a character that contrasts her more famous role in Ice Castles. My mum loved Ice Castles, I was tortured by it as a kid. That and The Cutting Edge. My mum loved friggin’ ice skating movies. She said Slap Shot didn’t count though, even though I pointed out the skating skills of the Hanson Bros. on numerous occasions.

Back to the topic at hand, For Your Eyes Only was a Bond film that I wasn’t super fond of. But it’s moved up the mental list stored in my head and maybe I should update the list I posted on this site awhile ago.

Rating: 7.25/10
Pairs well with: The other Roger Moore James Bond movies.