Retro Relapse: 30 Things You May Find In a Man’s Beard That Aren’t Poop

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Recently, some asshole did some bullshit study about how beards are full of poop. That asshole was immediately put on blast as many came out to debunk that libel against masculine plumage.

Snopes, who fact checks the crap out of everything, even spent time debunking the agenda-riddled claims of a person who is probably a hairless feminist with a grab bag full of phobias (Snopes article here).

The fact of the matter is, if you are into facesitting or other ass-to-mouth sort of activities, you may just end up with some feces in your majestic beard. That also doesn’t mean that you can’t take a shower like a normal person after some intimate tomfoolery. With a good scrubbing, you can have a shit free beard.

The thing is, it is probably pretty goddamned rare that some dude is just going to have some shit chilling in his whiskers.

This is why I have comprised a list of thirty things that are more likely to be found in a manly man’s beard. And if any of these seem unsettling, you aren’t a manly man or wouldn’t be worthy enough to court one. And again, all it takes is a good scrubbing to clean one’s facial mane. Just be clean people.

So here are thirty things more likely to be in a beard than poop:

1. whiskey
2. beer
3. coffee
4. steak blood
5. scales from a devoured Alaskan king salmon
6. piece of a hot dog or sausage
7. a whole piece of bacon
8. tobacco
9. hot sauce
10. mushroom sauce from a schnitzel eating contest
11. toothpaste
12. soap
13. pine tar
14. motor oil
15. hay
16. drywall
17. sawdust
18. scorched bits of hair from blacksmithing
19. precious metals and minerals
20. slobber from our beast dogs
21. cat tongue residue
22. lipstick from an admirer
23. glitter from an aggressive stripper
24. sweat from doing sports or man stuff
25. old baseball cards
26. attractive girls’ phone numbers
27. broken shards from a devoured Rammstein CD
28. wild fur from headbutting a bison
29. diamonds from coal that wasn’t immediately scrubbed out
30. a family of new beards hiding in the safety and comfort of the older more robust beard

Retro Relapse: 30 Christmas Gifts for the Grizzly Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Christmas rules December like Hulk Hogan ruled the ring in the ’80s! It is the best holiday there ever was!

That being said, we all love getting presents and those of us who aren’t jerks, love giving presents. ‘Tis the season for giving and all that jazz.

So what should you get a manly grizzly man? If you are not sure, I have compiled a list of stuff. And there are things here that fit all price ranges and types of men.

Sure, it may be a little late but if you haven’t started shopping yet, get out there because this stuff may sell out, if it hasn’t already.

Anyway, enough rambling. Here is the list!

1. A fine cut of premium meat
2. A bottle of good scotch or bourbon
3. Cast iron cooking stuff
4. A stellar axe to cut firewood
5. A spacious tent
6. A sweet rifle
7. A good quality survival knife
8. A nice bow with arrows
9. A solid tomahawk made for throwing
10. A reliable fishing pole
11. Visually alluring flannel shirts
12. Attractive wood for crafting into manly furniture
13. Much needed tools
14. Stylish suspenders
15. A personalized baseball bat or hockey stick
16. A thoughtful item that you crafted by hand
17. A hefty meat carving board
18. Great literature such as books by Jack London or Louis L’Amour
19. A framed poster from a Clint Eastwood movie signed by Clint Eastwood
20. A top notch gas lantern
21. A box of premium cigars
22. Home brewing equipment
23. A big bag of beautiful coffee beans
24. An impressive array of cheeses
25. A pair of satisfactory hiking boots
26. A shiny new waffle maker
27. Exercise equipment or weights they may need
28. A well-kept collection of old baseball cards or stag mags
29. A manly cookbook
30. A musical instrument

Retro Relapse: 25 MORE Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Last year, I covered 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis.

A friend of mine asked me if he just needed to do those twenty-five things.

I was like, “Well yeah but there is even more stuff you can do.”

He was all like, “Uh.. like what, bro?”

So I was like, “Well damn, I guess I could make another list.”

So this right here is that list. Truth be told, you can never run out of manly shit to do.

In fact, you should do all the stuff on the previous list daily and then do all this shit too. Hell, maybe I’ll keep making lists in the future and will thus provide you, the loyal reader, with thousands of manly things to crush through each day.

Men need challenges. However, to a man, a challenge is nothing more than an item on a checklist. Men always complete their checklists.

I will now revisit the not too lengthy mantra that prefixed the original list:

It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.

I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!

Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!

And now, the new list!

1. Box an entire troop of kangaroos!

2. Soak up a barrel’s worth of 190-proof Everclear through your pores!

3. Make slippers out of live honey badgers!

4. Wear an SR-71 Blackbird as a condom!

5. Challenge the military of a moderately-sized dictatorship with nothing more than an ostrich to ride and a battleaxe!

6. Play Frisbee with another manly man, only using Chinese stars!

7. Ride a Yeti like a snowboard down an avalanche!

8. Build an Ewok village in a redwood forest with nothing more than duct tape!

9. Do 1000 curls with each arm using a Montana-class battleship as the weight!

10. Dress up like a snake and board a plane with Samuel L. Jackson!

11. Challenge an elephant to a pissing contest!

12. Put a Class 5 dragon or higher in a Figure Four leglock!

13. Take the stance that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with!

14. Go to Ireland and order an Irish car bomb!

15. Do a dozen or so moonshine body shots off of a Sasquatch!

16. Listen to a Taylor Swift song and try not to laugh! Seriously, the hardest thing on this list!

17. Grow a beard that grows its own beard! A manly man can do this in a day!

18. Build a new coffee table out of the remaining bones of a werewolf whose skull you headbutted to dust!

19. Go to a ComicCon dressed as Jar Jar Binks!

20. Play 1-on-5 pond hockey against a team of Kodiak bears!

21. Make eye contact with the Iron Sheik!

22. Eat a sub! Like an actual nuclear submarine filled with Italian meats!

23. Climb into a great white shark and punch your way out!

24. Conquer A.C. Slater in a dance-off with Jesse Spano, Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris as judges!

25. Call Mike Tyson a pussy while pouring barbecue sauce on your ear!

To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.

*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.

Retro Relapse: 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.

I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!

Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!

1. Put a big fucking bear in a headlock and punch it in the face!

2. Take a nice hot bath in the La Brea Tar Pits then scoff at the rest of California!

3. Bench press an M1A1 Abrams tank… twice!

4. Throw a tomahawk, run passed it and catch it in your teeth!

5. Find the frozen remains of a woolly mammoth, grill the fucker and eat it like a steak – hair, tusks and all!

6. Wear a live king cobra as a belt!

7. Play football without helmets and pads on a minefield!

8. Go into the ocean, rip a sea urchin off of a rock with your bare hands and bite into it!

9. Firewalk in an active volcano – barefoot!

10. Drink a barrel of 100+ proof bourbon and chase it with a barrel of Scotch!

11. Dress like Teddy Roosevelt and wrestle a fucking moose into submission!

12. Power through a thousand pull-ups with a lit stick of dynamite as the bar!

13. Surf coast-to-coast across the Everglades on the back of an alligator!

14. Play Russian roulette with a Gatling gun!

15. Juggle multiple Smart cars! Fiat 500s if you’re feeling stronger!

16. Use an A-10 Thunderbolt II as a fucking hang glider!

17. Smoke a totem pole like a cigar!

18. Swim with piranhas and bite back until you’re the only living thing left in the water!

19. Take on ten Muay Thai boxers while handcuffed!

20. Drive cross country in a World War II motorcycle with a male lion in the sidecar!

21. Have a fencing duel using a live swordfish!

22. Tell Brock Lesnar that wrestling is fake!

23. Play chicken on a bicycle – against a rhino!

24. Build your own Thunderdome and invite Seal Team Six over for a rumble!

25. Videobomb an episode of Shark Week wearing a suit made of seal meat!

To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.

*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.

Top 30 Comic Series That Aren’t Marvel or DC

Marvel and DC have the comic book market pretty much on lockdown. They are the Coke and Pepsi of their industry and probably always will be. That being said, there are a ridiculous amount of great comic books out there that don’t fall under the Marvel and DC banner. This is a list of my thirty favorite comic books series put out by the smaller and more independent comic book publishers.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. Cerebus
3. Maus
4. Hellboy
5. Bone
6. The Walking Dead
7. Love & Rockets
8. The Fade Out
9. Star Wars (the Dark Horse era)
10. Madman
11. Spawn
12. Hawaiian Dick
13. Kill Or Be Killed
14. The Wicked Righteous
15. It Came Out On a Wednesday
16. Hack/Slash
17. Fatale
18. The Umbrella Academy
19. Red Sonja
20. Wolverton: Thief of Impossible Objects
21. Vampirella
22. Scud, the Disposable Assassin
23. Jawbreakers
24. The Maxx
25. Iron Sights
26. Feast Or Famine
27. Doctor Who (IDW era)
28. Tokyo Ghost
29. Cyberfrog
30. Black Hammer

Retro Relapse: Top 50 Slasher Films of All-Time

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

*2019 Notes: Years have passed since I wrote and compiled this list for a different website, so the order in my head has changed somewhat and there are probably other films I’d add. Maybe I’ll re-order it and expand it in the near future.

I love slasher films. As a kid, it was probably my favorite sub genre of film, with horror being my favorite genre overall.

Sure, my mum hated the fact that I watched horror movies and she wouldn’t rent them for me but she also knew that I was just going to watch them somehow, whether at a friends house after school or a cousin’s house over the weekend. It was cool then though, because parents weren’t total pussies and didn’t hover over our every move like these modern kids have to deal with. This is also why these modern kids are afraid of their own shadow. My generation was the last great generation because an R rating didn’t mean crap and it was never actually enforced at the theater or video rental store.

Moral of the story, we all turned out just fine.

I was lucky enough to grow up in the heyday of slasher films. I saw pretty much everything I had access to.

In my 35 years on this planet, these are the ones I consider the very best.

1. Black Christmas (1974)
2. Halloween (1978)
3. A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
4. Psycho (1960)
5. StageFright
6. Sleepaway Camp
7. Suspiria
8. Friday the 13th (1980)
9. The Burning
10. A Nightmare On Elm Street III: Dream Warriors
11. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
12. American Psycho
13. Blood Rage
14. Alice, Sweet Alice
15. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
16. Child’s Play
17. Twitch of the Death Nerve
18. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
19. My Bloody Valentine (1981)
20. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
21. A Nightmare On Elm Street IV: The Dream Master
22. Halloween II (1981)
23. The Funhouse
24. The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
25. Deep Red
26. Peeping Tom
27. Maniac (1980)
28. Friday the 13th Part 2
29. The Initiation
30. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)
31. Child’s Play 3
32. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
33. The Prowler
34. Terror Train
35. Scream
36. Torso
37. Freddy vs. Jason
38. Silent Night, Deadly Night
39. House of 1,000 Corpses
40. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers
41. Friday the 13th Part III
42. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
43. Child’s Play 2
44. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
45. Jason X
46. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
47. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
48. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
49. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
50. Hatchet

Retro Relapse: The 50 Manliest Men In Hollywood History

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

*2019 Notes: Years have passed since I wrote and compiled this list for a different website, so the order in my head has changed somewhat and there are probably other names I’d add. Maybe I’ll do a Top 100 list as a followup at some point. But for now, this appears as it did in 2015.

Hollywood pretty much sucks in general these days. It is a land of mostly shitty people, sissy bitch men and really atrocious films not catered to a masculine audience.

In the old days, there were a lot of manly men who graced the screen and gave dudes some bad ass motherfuckers to look up to. They were tough as nails, took no shit and would bitchslap any obstacle and look cool as fuck doing it.

Sure, we got cool guys like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson and then there’s those dudes from “The Expendables” series. Ultimately though, the days of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen and Lee Van Cleef are pretty much gone. Eastwood is some old dude that directs more than he kicks on-screen ass but I still respect him. We just don’t have many masculine heroes anymore and unrealistic superheroes don’t count. Besides, Tony Stark may be funny but he’s generally a cock and more of a playboy than a man’s man.

Some modern actors are on this list but they pale in comparison to the men of yesteryear, which is why the older actors dominate here.

While compiling this, I got up to about 150 people I was considering but wanted to narrow it down to fifty. If your favorite is missing, know that they were probably considered.

So without further ado, here are the fifty manliest men in Hollywood history!

1. Clint Eastwood
2. John Wayne
3. Paul Newman
4. Steve McQueen
5. Robert Redford
6. Jack Nicholson
7. Charles Bronson
8. Charlton Heston
9. Bruce Lee
10. Humphrey Bogart
11. Lee Van Cleef
12. Robert Mitchum
13. Henry Fonda
14. Daniel Day-Lewis
15. Orson Welles
16. Gregory Peck
17. Marlon Brando
18. Morgan Freeman
19. James Earl Jones
20. Kirk Douglas
21. Sean Connery
22. James Cagney
23. Liam Neeson
24. Robert De Niro
25. Sylvester Stallone
26. Mel Gibson
27. Yul Brynner
29. Eli Wallach
30. Harrison Ford
31. Lee Marvin
32. James Coburn
33. Denzel Washington
34. Klaus Kinski
35. Daniel Craig
36. James Dean
37. Kurt Russell
38. Samuel Jackson
39. Arnold Schwarzenegger
40. Gary Cooper
41. Christopher Walken
42. Chuck Norris
43. George Clooney
44. Russell Crowe
45. Robert Vaughn
46. Richard Roundtree
47. Jack Palance
48. Al Pacino
49. Idris Elba
50. Bruce Willis