Ranking the Bosses of ‘Dark Souls – Remastered’

While I’m a decade behind the original Dark Souls hype, I decided that I’d start playing through these games this year because I heard that they were insanely hard and because the games look like visual masterpieces with incredible world design, awesome looking monsters and the sort of gothic horror nightmare that I would enjoy immensely.

I’ve already played through the first game close to a half dozen times. With each playthrough, I oddly find some things more difficult for a myriad of reasons, as well as other things becoming easier and easier.

So I wanted to take the experience of playing through this so many times to rank the bosses by how difficult I’ve found them to be overall.

My list certainly is my own and the more I talk to others that have an affinity for this series, we all seem to have a very different take on which bosses gave us the most trouble. I guess, this also has to do with play style and character type.

Usually, I like taking a big fucking greatsword and smashing my foes into blood-soaked pancakes.

Over time, I also started to embrace some sorceries and learned to cheese certain bosses with long-range magic attacks.

In the end, though, these are how I’d rank the bosses I’ve faced from hardest to easiest.

1. Manus, Father of the Abyss
2. Black Dragon Kalameet
3. Ornstein and Smough
4. Bed of Chaos
5. Artorias the Abysswalker
6. Seath the Scaleless
7. Gwyn Lord of Cinder
8. Sanctuary Guardian
9. Four Kings
10. Dark Sun Gwyndolin
11. Demon Firesage
12. Great Grey Wolf Sif
13. Nito
14. Centipede Demon
15. Stray Demon
16. Gaping Dragon
17. Chaos Witch Quelaag
18. Capra Demon
19. Asylum Demon
20. Iron Golem
21. Crossbreed Priscilla
22. Bell Gargoyles
23. Taurus Demon
24. Moonlight Butterfly
25. Ceaseless Discharge
26. Pinwheel

Ranking All the Movies Shown (Thus Far) on ‘The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs’ – UPDATED (After Season 3)

*Intro originally written after Season 1. Total movie count changed though.

Joe Bob Briggs is one of the most important Americans that ever walked God’s green Earth. In fact, he’s probably the greatest Texan that ever lived and that’s a huge state with a lot of history.

So when I heard that Joe Bob was coming back with a new show, I was ecstatic. But if you’re a loyal reader of Talking Pulp (and its original form: Cinespiria) then you already know this.

But it’s already been about a year and Joe Bob, thanks to the wonderful people at Shudder, has provided us with three marathons and a full season of The Last Drive-In.

Also, I have to give a special shout out to Darcy the Mail Girl, who is super fucking cool to the fans and because of this, breaks Twitter every Friday night.

With all that being said, I wanted to rank all 91 films that have been featured on The Last Drive-In (thus far).

These 91 motion pictures are ranked based off of what they were rated in their reviews here on Talking Pulp.

So without further ado, roll that beautiful scream footage!

1. Black Christmas (9.5 out of 10)
2. Phantasm (9 out of 10)
3. Hellraiser (9 out of 10)
4. The Changeling (9 out of 10)
5. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (8.75 out of 10)
6. The Exorcist III (8.75 out of 10)
7. The House of the Devil (8.75 out of 10)
8. Bride of Re-Animator (8.25 out of 10)
9. Heathers (8.25 out of 10)
10. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (8.25 out of 10)
11. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (8 out of 10)
12. Demons (8 out of 10)
13. Deep Red (8 out of 10)
14. Train to Busan (8 out of 10)
15. The Love Witch (8 out of 10)
16. Basket Case (8 out of 10)
17. Class of 1984 (7.75 out of 10)
18. Evilspeak (7.75 out of 10)
19. Brain Damage (7.75 out of 10)
20. Re-Animator (7.5 out of 10)
21. Next of Kin (7.5 out of 10)
22. Day of the Beast (7.5 out of 10)
23. Mandy (7.5 out of 10)
24. Haunt (7.5 out of 10)
25. Chopping Mall (7.5 out of 10)
26. Fried Barry (7.5 out of 10)
27. Halloween (7.25 out of 10)
28. Maniac (7.25 out of 10)
29. Dead & Buried (7.25 out of 10)
30. Society (7.25 out of 10)
31. Sleepaway Camp (7 out of 10)
32. The Stuff (7 out of 10)
33. Blood Rage (7 out of 10)
34. Pieces (7 out of 10)
35. Maniac Cop 2 (7 out of 10)
36. Rabid (7 out of 10)
37. Audition (6.75 out of 10)
38. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (6.75 out of 10)
39. Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (6.75 out of 10)
40. Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2 (6.75 out of 10)
41. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (6.5 out of 10)
42. Little Shop of Horrors (6.5 out of 10)
43. Tammy & the T-Rex (6.5 out of 10)
44. Dead Heat (6.5 out of 10)
45. The Prowler (6.5 out of 10)
46. Humanoids From the Deep (6.25 out of 10)
47. Wolf Guy (6.25 out of 10)
48. Q: The Winged Serpent (6.25 out of 10)
49. Maniac Cop (6 out of 10)
50. Victor Crowley (6 out of 10)
51. One Cut of the Dead (6 out of 10)
52. The House by the Cemetery (6 out of 10)
53. Bloodsucking Freaks (6 out of 10)
54. Deadly Games (6 out of 10)
55. Mother’s Day (6 out of 10)
56. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (6 out of 10)
57. WolfCop (6 out of 10)
58. Deathgasm (5.75 out of 10)
59. Christmas Evil (5.75 out of 10)
60. Sorority Babes In the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (5.75 out of 10)
61. Phantasm IV: Oblivion (5.5 out of 10)
62. Daughters of Darkness (5.5 out of 10)
63. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (5.5 out of 10)
64. Contamination (5.5 out of 10)
65. Slumber Party Massacre II (5.5 out of 10)
66. Troma’s War (5.5 out of 10)
67. Street Trash (5.25 out of 10)
68. The Hills Have Eyes (5.25 out of 10)
69. Phantasm: Ravager (5 out of 10)
70. C.H.U.D. (5 out of 10)
71. Blood Harvest (4.75 out of 10)
72. Ginger Snaps (4.5 out of 10)
73. Hell Comes to Frogtown (4.5 out of 10)
74. Spookies (4.5 out of 10)
75. The Legend of Boggy Creek (4.5 out of 10)
76. Dead or Alive (4.25 out of 10)
77. Castle Freak (4 out of 10)
78. Demon Wind (4 out of 10)
79. Mayhem (3.5 out of 10)
80. Hack-O-Lantern (3.5 out of 10)
81. Tourist Trap (3 out of 10)
82. Cannibal Holocaust (3 out of 10)
83. Scare Package (3 out of 10)
84. Blood Feast (3 out of 10)
85. Sledgehammer (2.75 out of 10)
86. Hogzilla (2.5 out of 10)
87. Deadbeat at Dawn (2.5 out of 10)
88. Jack Frost (2.25 out of 10)
89. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (2 out of 10)
90. Madman (2 out of 10)
91. Things (0 out of 10)

Retro Relapse: 30 MORE New Taglines For Popular Beers

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

I already did a previous version of this but after covering thirty beers, it dawned on me… there are even more shitty popular beers in heavy circulation out there!

You see, I’m a beer snob. I’m fine with that, as I can’t stomach the mass produced swill that many seem to also not enjoy, other than getting a buzz while watching their pigskin team on Sundays.

Every time I go to a party or a bar that is in the midst of pigskin game watching, I am usually offered up one of these choices. When in Rome, drink swill.. or something like that.

Anyway, I figured that since I am in advertising and marketing, I could use that skill in an effort to come up with new taglines for these really popular brews. Some aren’t even beers but they’re marketed as alternatives for those sissies out there.

So here we go! Thirty MORE!

1. Michelob Amberbock – “Look at me! I only had one dollar. Hey, free Chex Mix at the bar!”
2. MGD (Miller Genuine Draft) – “For the lifelong Rusty Wallace fan.”
3. Schlitz – “Robot saliva.”
4. National Bohemian – “The Oriole fan’s sleep aid.”
5. Stroh’s – “Detroit rain water runoff.”
6. Lone Star – “Everything’s bigger in Texas – even failure.”
7. Old Milwaukee – “The white bread of white bread beers.”
8. Milwaukee’s Best – “If compared to Old Milwaukee, it is TRULY Milwaukee’s Best.”
9. Landshark – “Sharks are cool. These beers are not.”
10. Shock Top – “Proudly sporting the worst logo in the beer industry.”
11. Simple Times – “The hipster socialist’s capitalist lager.”
12. Steel Reserve – “Like staring into the void for millennia.”
13. Rolling Rock – “It comes from New Jersey.”
14. Goose Island IPA – “You think it’s craft but they’ve got your soul now!”
15. Sam Adams Boston Lager – “Must be consumed to Dropkick Murphy’s. No exceptions!”
16. Leinenkugel Summer Shandy – “Refreshing! Like Pixy Stix in water!”
17. Mike’s Hard Lemondade – “Mike’s hard realization that he’s not like the other men.”
18. Twisted Tea – “Mike trying to be harder than hard.”
19. Smirnoff Ice – “The linoleum tile of alcoholic beverages.”
20. Narragansett – “Passable on a really hot day watching baseball outside.”
21. Blue Moon – “The frat bro mimosa.”
22. Killian’s Irish Red – “McCoors.”
23. Carlsberg – “Soccer Budweiser.”
24. Molson Canadian – “Savage goon juice!”
25. Amstel Light – “The wife thinks you’re boring. You’ll show her!”
26. Hoegaarden – “Not pronounced ‘hoe-garden’ and just as disappointing as that realization.”
27. Peroni – “Not brewed with pepperoni.”
28. Tsingtao – “Chinese beer for sushi lovers.”
29. Sapporo – “The Mr. Miyagi of mediocre beer.”
30. Kirin Ichiban – “Dragons, bro.”

Retro Relapse: 30 New Taglines For Popular Beers

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

I’m a beer snob. I’m fine with that, as I can’t stomach the mass produced swill that many seem to also not enjoy, other than getting a buzz while watching their pigskin team on Sundays.

Every time I go to a party or a bar that is in the midst of pigskin game watching, I am usually offered up one of these choices. When in Rome, drink swill… or something like that.

Anyway, I figured that since I am in advertising and marketing, I could use that skill in an effort to come up with new taglines for these really popular brews.

So here we go!

1. Budweiser – “‘MERICUH MOST PURE! YEAH! FERTBALL!”
2. Bud Light – “The renewable resource – piss that makes you piss.”
3. Bud Light Platinum – “High class white trash you can drink.”
4. Bud Light Lime – “I want my Corona, AMERICAN!”
5. Bud Ice – “Wait… there is no ice in this piss? Can you even freeze piss?”
6. Busch – “The St. Louis Cardinals of beer.”
7. Busch Light – “The Memphis Redbirds of beer.”
8. Miller Lite – “That ’70s beer.”
9. Miller High Life – “Goes good with those deviled eggs that have been sitting out since yesterday.”
10. Coors Light – “Magic blue mountains to tell you when it reaches maximum sucktitude.”
11. Mic Ultra – “Perfect for those Gossip Girl reruns.”
12. Natural Ice – “Why am I Hulking out? ARGH!!! HULK SMASH!!!”
13. Natural Light – “SHE-HULK SMASH!!!”
14. Keystone Light – “For those who have a light appreciation for Pennsylvania.”
15. Pabst Blue Ribbon – “It’s a Gainesville Saturday night, up in here!”
16. Yuengling Lager – “Craft beer that doesn’t taste like craft beer.”
17. Labatt Blue – “Tastes like watered down hockey sweat.”
18. Labatt Blue Light – “Tastes like water with a bit of hockey sweat.”
19. Heineken – “Doogie Howser approves!”
20. Becks – “German Budweiser.”
21. Stella Artois – “Whoa! At least I got a good buzz and it’s not horrible!”
22. Foster’s – “Australian for “ass juice”.”
23. Dos Equis – “The most interesting marketing lie in the world.”
24. Corona – “The Taco Bell of beers.”
25. Corona Light – “So good you have to fill it with sixty limes.”
26. Modelo – “Corona in a pretentious bottle.”
27. Tecate – “Premier lucha libre advertiser since 1890.”
28. Pacifico – “It’s like a salty ocean with an “O” at the end of it.”
29. Red Stripe – “Jamaican me not like this beer!”
30. Guinness Draught – “Actually, quite good! The Irish win!”

Retro Relapse: Top 30 Manliest Sandwiches

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Men like sandwiches. We like meat. We like sandwiches with meat.

Lettuce wraps are for hippies and baby rabbits.

The other day, my ex-girlfriend’s uncle, a true manly man, and I were debating manly sandwiches. One thing led to another and now, I have a list!

There’s nothing open-faced on this list!

1. An American as fuck burger!
2. Muffuletta
3. Italian beef
4. Porchetta
5. BBQ pork sandwich
6. A very large B.L.T.
7. The Primanti
8. Chicken biscuit
9. Cheesesteak
10. Chili dog (fuck you, it counts because it’s my list!)
11. Croque monsieur
12. Lobster roll
13. Italian sub
14. Monte Cristo
15. Fried alligator sandwich
16. Sausage & peppers sub
17. Fried oyster po boy
18. Cuban
19. Meat loaf sandwich
20. Frisco melt
21. French dip
22. Meatball sub
23. Reuben
24. Grilled cheese with bacon
25. A Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich
26. Beer battered fish sandwich
27. Hot pastrami
28. Gyro
29. Fried balogna
30. Tuna melt

Retro Relapse: 25 MORE Things Every Manly Man Should Own

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

I did a previous installment of this list here.

But to paraphrase (or just cut & paste from the previous installment):

Why should a man own these things? Well, because they make you feel more manly and if you use these items, no one can deny your true manly essence. If you don’t have some of these things, befriend a man that does and share with him until you acquire your own.

So here we go!

1. A sleeping bag made out of a taxidermied great white shark.

2. A big forge for blacksmithing war-ready frigates.

3. A parang because it’s way cooler than a standard machete.

4. An industrial deli meat slicer.

5. Boxing gloves so you don’t damage your fists while taking care of the moose ruining your lawn.

6. A beer fridge the size of Fort Knox.

7. Jet fuel that you use as beard oil.

8. A pair of nunchucks fashioned from grizzly bones and mustang locks.

9. A guitar or another sweet instrument to woo the ladies into nakedness.

10. A big log to carry around to tone your muscles.

11. A pack of wolves who are your eyes, ears and enforcers around your property.

12. A legit gun holster with a six shooter.

13. An aquarium full of swordfish.

14. A boulder to throw. Men throw boulders.

15. An old hockey puck infused with Terry Sawchuk’s teeth and bones.

16. A flashbang grenade. They’re fun at parties.

17. MREs because sometimes the womenfolk make soups and salads.

18. A tank because Hummers are for sissies and quidditch moms.

19. A hippopotamus to use as a river raft.

20. A mean set of throwing knives because guns are noisy.

21. A great library. So when people come over, you can proudly and robustly proclaim, “This is my great library!”

22. An army of chickens that lay 200 grams of protein at your door each morning.

23. A pet anaconda used for resistance training.

24. A humidor that can hold several boxes of cigars and a party sub.

25. A 96 oz. porterhouse should always be on-hand.

Retro Relapse: 25 Things Guys Do That Make Them Pussies

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

*This is sort of a sequel to the post I did called 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis. That post was well-received, so I figured that I should follow-up with the other side of the spectrum.

There are a lot of guys out there. In fact, like fifty percent of the population is guys. I’m not going to check the math on that because math is a waste of time and I’d rather allot more time to cooking bacon-wrapped bacon and getting hammered on brewery tours after chopping enough wood to build a town with a moderately sized zoo to house my Kodiak bear army.

Most men do things that make them pussies. I’ve slipped up once or twice in my life, as I am not perfect. Part of being a man is recognizing your faults, conquering them and never doing them again.

It is also a man’s duty to point out to other men when they are not living up to the essence of their testosterone-fueled birthright.

With that, I am going to list twenty-five things that make guys look like pussies and thus, not like men.

1. They would rather look like Jared Leto than a lumberjack with a dead moose over their shoulder.

2. They are a vegetarian or worse yet, a vegan.

3. They drive a Prius or another car manufacturer’s equivalent. A Smart car is a death sentence.

4. Whenever handed a beer by another man, it must be drank. Even if it is a bad beer. Unless of course you have a better beer on hand to share, in an effort to educate your friend’s palate. You should always have a good beer on hand: always.

5. They can’t pitch a tent: an actual tent. There are pills to help with boners and no man should shame another man who suffers from erectile dysfunction.

6. They fold their thumb under their fingers when making a fist.

7. When given the choice of bacon, they say “no”.

8. They watched Twilight with their significant other and then sat through one of the sequels as well.

9. They wear skinny jeans.

10. They use social media as a call for help or pity party or worse yet, they post song lyrics to convey their emotions.

11. They’ve actually voted on an American Idol contestant.

12. They eat their steak (or any meat, really) well-done or worse yet, with ketchup.

13. They refer to Jack Daniels as “bourbon”.

14. They don’t finish a beer. If you order it or it is given to you and you start drinking it, you must finish it.

15. They use the word “cute” to describe anything other than a female.

16. They consider Lil Wayne to be music.

17. They knock someone for drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon but they are holding either a Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Light, Mic Ultra or anything else in this category.

18. They sneer at cigars or pipes but fill their lungs with cigarette smoke or worse yet, menthols.

19. They carry purses or worse yet, they actually call them “man bags”.

20. They offer you a scotch, in attempt to appear manly, and they pull out a bottle of Cutty Sark or Dewar’s.

21. They use umbrellas on themselves.

22. They are too afraid of bugs to kill them or catch and release them.

23. They own a Fall Out Boy record or worse yet, they paid for it.

24. They have more beauty/hygiene products than deodorant, soap and beard oil.

25. They are offended by this post or they are hurt and offended by words in general. Grow up, man up, nut up and develop a sense of humor that doesn’t need to be approved by the girl who keeps you in the “friend zone”.

Retro Relapse: 10 Laws On Growing and Living With a Majestic Beard

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

People often come up to me and say, “Hey dude, sweet beard! Would you mind if I fuck it?”

Well, they don’t say exactly that but that statement pretty much sums up their initial reaction to my bold and luscious facial foliage.

The conversation quickly goes to “How long did that take to grow?” or “How do you take care of that precious pelt?” And then I spend some time educating people on how I do what I do and how I cultivate such a majestic mastodon of sexiness on my face.

Anyway, I thought that I should write an article about my ten tips for growing and maintaining a badass beard. People keep asking me, so now I can just refer them to this post and they can read it for themselves and pass it on to their friends in need of the God-like levels of confidence that can only come from giving birth to a cosmic man forest on one’s face.

So here we go, these are my ten laws for growing, maintaining and thriving with a majestic beard!

1. Don’t shave. As hard as it is accepting change in your life, don’t give in. In fact, throw your razors away and embrace your place in the universe.

2. Again, don’t shave. It takes some time to get passed the early growth stage but you have to commit to get to a better place. Bruce Lee didn’t learn how to kick God in the face by watching a YouTube video.

3. As it grows longer and fuller, don’t let any animals move in and make it a nest. Always check it when you wake up in the morning. I had an eagle trying to setup shop and drop some eggs around my left cheek but I put a stop to it real quick.

4. Treat it like a fine Persian rug and give it a little shampoo once in a while. Some manly dudes I know like to use beard oil. That’s optional.

5. Don’t mimic assholes like Jack Passion. His beard is a mess and I’m not sure why he is world-renowned. Of course, I wrote about that douche nugget in my article My Thoughts On Competitive Bearding.

6. Stop worrying about what people think. When your beard grows and your masculinity increases and you gain Thanos-like cosmic power, there will be haters. Why? Because weak punks will fear the power you now wield.

7. Just be chill as fuck. Why? Because after the haters rise up in your life, expect the women to fall at your feet like you are Brad Pitt with John Holmes’ dong and Carl Sagan’s sexy voice. You will embody true eloquence and your desirability will be enhanced by your grizzly bear-like essence. You are now the beastly lord of the forest. Let the lesser creatures cower and lick their bitch wounds.

8. Stroke the beard often. Enjoy it, feel its power and relish in the fact that you look like the toughest hockey player in the world and it isn’t even playoff time and you don’t even play hockey. And at this point, if your beard was hit by a flying puck, the hard rubber disc would explode into dust, as your beard is like a million whiskers transformed into a million Neos from The Matrix.

9. Smile and know that you have succeeded in becoming a full man. But as Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Rule your manly domain justly and with care. Just because you wield the power, doesn’t mean that you have to show it off at every turn. Face your daily challenges with confidence and pride and move forward in life – knowing that this universe is a giant oyster that you can pluck for pearls whenever the hell you want.

10. If you ever doubt yourself or your progress, look in the mirror, touch your beard and give yourself a sly, sexy little wink. Without breaking eye-contact with your reflection, pleasure yourself. Problem fucking solved.

Retro Relapse: A Checklist of 25 MORE Things to Ensure You’re a Manly Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

Are you manly as fuck? Do you feel that the word “alpha” is a cute little term used by bitchmen who aren’t as evolved as you are in your rugged robustness? Do you think that this is a waste of time because you have nothing left to prove to yourself, let alone the Internet?

Regardless of all that, for piece of mind, it is still good to question yourself once in a while in an effort to further strengthen your already ironclad confidence.

This is essentially the second such list I have done on this site. Hopefully you scored well on the first one. If not, use that bad ass yet bodacious checklist, crush those items out and then come back to this checklist to further reinforce your man status.

Here is the checklist to see how you stack up in manliness. There are also five bonus points that can be earned.

_You have a thirst to be outside and regularly find yourself in the wild.
_You have shaved your own bacon from a nice pork belly *(bonus point if you hunted the pig yourself).
_You don’t put ranch dressing on pizza or buffalo wings.
_You can fire an arrow with good accuracy using a bow.
_You gave your beard a name and have regular conversations with him.
_Your presence improves and enriches the lives of those around you.
_Your beard smells like a combination of pipe or cigar smoke, whiskey and red meat.
_You have read at least five Jack London stories *(bonus point for ten or more).
_You like and enjoy eating meats that are more exotic than just cows, pigs, fish and chicken.
_You don’t understand what someone means when they use the idiom “good luck.”
_You can bench press more than the body weight of the average man *(bonus point for 300 lbs. or more).
_You have killed a bottle of bourbon in a night, on your own, and still maintained court, socially.
_You walk under ladders and then the ladder has bad luck.
_You know how to sail.
_You don’t know what a furry is.
_You support craft beer because macrobrews are shit and your mouth deserves better than beechwood-aged bullshit.
_You can fix your own shit in your own house.
_You have made something useful out of metal.
_You think there isn’t enough fighting in hockey and athletes in other sports are total pussies.
_You like the smell of asparagus in your urine *(if this item offends you, deduct 10 points from your total).
_You know how to properly smoke five different types of meat *(bonus point for ten or more).
_You own a bust of Charles Bronson.
_You have wrestled some sort of animal.  *(bonus point if it was for survival reasons and you’re still alive).
_You have made a shelter from stuff found in the woods.
_You are confused when restaurants don’t have steak.

Here’s how you measure up:
25+ points = You are a savior to men, you should lead them all to greatness.
20-24 points = You’re on the cusp of ultimate manliness; you’ve nearly reached the summit of the gods.
15-19 points = You need to work on your shit but don’t be discouraged, even giants grew from tiny ovaries.
10-14 points = Dude, for real? Stop shopping for doilies and punch a tiger in the face. If it swallows your hand, punch with the other one.
5-9 points = Stop fucking ordering appletinis.
0-4 points = Deduct whatever points you have because you don’t deserve them. You’re a zero.

Ranking All the Movies Shown (Thus Far) on ‘The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs’ – UPDATED (After Season 2 & Its Specials)

*Intro originally written after season 1. Total movie count changed though.

Joe Bob Briggs is one of the most important Americans that ever walked God’s green Earth. In fact, he’s probably the greatest Texan that ever lived and that’s a huge state with a lot of history.

So when I heard that Joe Bob was coming back with a new show, I was ecstatic. But if you’re a loyal reader of Talking Pulp (and its original form: Cinespiria) then you already know this.

But it’s already been about a year and Joe Bob, thanks to the wonderful people at Shudder, has provided us with three marathons and a full season of The Last Drive-In.

Also, I have to give a special shout out to Darcy the Mail Girl, who is super fucking cool to the fans and because of this, breaks Twitter every Friday night.

With all that being said, I wanted to rank all 63 films that have been featured on The Last Drive-In (thus far).

These 63 motion pictures are ranked based off of what they were rated in their reviews here on Talking Pulp.

So without further ado, roll that beautiful scream footage!

*Updated on 10/26/2020 after the 2020 Halloween Special.

*Updated again on 12/12/2020 after the 2020 Christmas Special.

*Updated a third time on 2/15/2021 after the 2021 Valentine’s Special.

1. Black Christmas (9.5 out of 10)
2. Phantasm (9 out of 10)
3. Hellraiser (9 out of 10)
4. The Changeling (9 out of 10)
5. Hellbound: Hellraiser II (8.75 out of 10)
6. The Exorcist III (8.75 out of 10)
7. The House of the Devil (8.75 out of 10)
8. Heathers (8.25 out of 10)
9. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (8.25 out of 10)
10. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (8 out of 10)
11. Demons (8 out of 10)
12. Deep Red (8 out of 10)
13. The Love Witch (8 out of 10)
14. Basket Case (8 out of 10)
15. Brain Damage (7.75 out of 10)
16. ReAnimator (7.5 out of 10)
17. Haunt (7.5 out of 10)
18. Chopping Mall (7.5 out of 10)
19. Halloween (7.25 out of 10)
20. Maniac (7.25 out of 10)
21. Society (7.25 out of 10)
22. Sleepaway Camp (7 out of 10)
23. The Stuff (7 out of 10)
24. Blood Rage (7 out of 10)
25. Pieces (7 out of 10)
26. Rabid (7 out of 10)
27. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (6.75 out of 10)
28. Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (6.75 out of 10)
29. Silent Night, Deadly Night, Part 2 (6.75 out of 10)
30. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (6.5 out of 10)
31. Tammy & the T-Rex (6.5 out of 10)
32. Dead Heat (6.5 out of 10)
33. The Prowler (6.5 out of 10)
34. Wolf Guy (6.25 out of 10)
35. Q: The Winged Serpent (6.25 out of 10)
36. Victor Crowley (6 out of 10)
37. One Cut of the Dead (6 out of 10)
38. Bloodsucking Freaks (6 out of 10)
39. Deadly Games (6 out of 10)
40. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (6 out of 10)
41. WolfCop (6 out of 10)
42. Deathgasm (5.75 out of 10)
43. Christmas Evil (5.75 out of 10)
44. Sorority Babes In the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (5.75 out of 10)
45. Phantasm IV: Oblivion (5.5 out of 10)
46. Daughters of Darkness (5.5 out of 10)
47. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (5.5 out of 10)
48. Contamination (5.5 out of 10)
49. Slumber Party Massacre II (5.5 out of 10)
50. Troma’s War (5.5 out of 10)
51. Street Trash (5.25 out of 10)
52. The Hills Have Eyes (5.25 out of 10)
53. Phantasm: Ravager (5 out of 10)
54. C.H.U.D. (5 out of 10)
55. Blood Harvest (4.75 out of 10)
56. Hell Comes to Frogtown (4.5 out of 10)
57. The Legend of Boggy Creek (4.5 out of 10)
58. Dead or Alive (4.25 out of 10)
59. Castle Freak (4 out of 10)
60. Demon Wind (4 out of 10)
61. Mayhem (3.5 out of 10)
62. Hack-O-Lantern (3.5 out of 10)
63. Tourist Trap (3 out of 10)
64. Cannibal Holocaust (3 out of 10)
65. Scare Package (3 out of 10)
66. Blood Feast (3 out of 10)
67. Hogzilla (2.5 out of 10)
68. Deadbeat at Dawn (2.5 out of 10)
69. Jack Frost (2.25 out of 10)
70. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (2 out of 10)
71. Madman (2 out of 10)