DiGiorno Design-A-Pizza Kit Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I do like DiGorno’s pizza. This isn’t a knock against their quality and what they produce in general, which is one of the best frozen pizzas on the market.

Recently though, they’ve come out with this “Design-A-Pizza Kit”. C’mon, man? Really?

This is a product that takes financial advantage of the complete idiot. Reason being, it is pointless and stupid. If you buy this, you have no imagination and are buying into some marketing ploy to make frozen pizzas more interesting. Fuck that, it’s a goddamned frozen pizza! How interesting can it be?

And by financial advantage, I mean that this thing costs extra. Yeah, it costs extra to put your own toppings on a pizza. Fuck that! You want to charge me more money, you better not be a lazy ass and you better put the damn toppings on! Why am I paying DiGiorno more money for me to do extra work? It’s like some sort of socialist welfare system where I’m paying these deadbeats out of my own pocket not to work.

Rewinding back a bit, yes, I attacked the imaginations of those who would purchase this. Why? Well because they apparently didn’t have the foresight and creativity to realize that every frozen pizza they have ever bought is essentially a “Design-A-Pizza Kit”.

You see, every frozen pizza comes with its toppings already on top of it. Sure, they don’t come in organized little pouches to make you feel special but ultimately, you can take the toppings on your frozen pizza and rearrange them (or remove them). They aren’t glued to the fucking cheese. No! You can physically move the pepperoni, sausage and veggies around however the hell you want. Why do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I guess that makes me the most creative frozen pizza-eating motherfucker in America. I’ll take that distinction and title with some serious pride.

There was one time when my ex-girlfriend was all like, “What the fuck? I don’t want meat pizza?!” So I took all the meat off of her half and added it to my half and that was that. She got what she wanted, which didn’t prevent her from still being a whiny bitch, and I got double meat plus other toppings. We both won, other than her attitude – her attitude was a loser.

The ads for this pizza just irritate me. A bunch of “hip” younger motherfuckers making smiley face pizzas with minimal toppings. Why would I want some bullshit smiley pizza? The assholes in the commercial wasted like 95 percent of the toppings. This is just some pretentious hipster pizza.

Really though, all irate ranting aside, how stupid is this?

I guess if you have kids and shit, it can be entertaining and whatnot. But seriously, if you want your kids to have a cool pizza-making experience, make that son of a bitch from scratch. When my mum was like, “Hey you wanna make a pizza pie?” and six year-old Rob was like, “Hells yeah!” my mum made some damn dough, rolled that shit out, tossed it around like some uncooked bread frisbee, hand cut all the toppings, made the sauce from scratch, shredded the cheese and then had me put it all together like some badass Italian Frankenstein’s monster that we could eat! It was a great experience and certainly way better than if she had pulled out DiGiorno’s “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and told me to just open the boring ass pouches and drop the boring ass contents on a boring ass frozen pizza.

Maybe I am overreacting here and reading way too much into this, making a big deal about something trivial and unimportant?

No, fuck that! This is a pretty asinine product and when I see people buying it, I will immediately know that they are escaped mental patients trying to blend in to society. You’re not fooling me you crazy bastard! I see your “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and I know that you’re an insane person!

This product just makes no sense to me. If it makes sense to you, you make no sense to me. That’s it.

Axe Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

There is an epidemic going on in America. Come to think of it, as far as I know, it could be crossing over our borders and seeping into the rest of the world. An epidemic of monolithic proportions that is rewriting human history and destroying our future.

While people worry about climate change, rising seas, nuclear meltdowns, oil spills, radioactive tsunamis, alien invasion, kaiju attacks, zombies and haunted VHS tapes, there is a much bigger and more sinister threat that must be dealt with. Something that is comprised of pure evil, which needs immediate attention because in all actuality, it is probably already too late to stop it. The threat I am talking about is Axe body spray.

Interestingly, Axe isn’t even made in America. It comes from the British-Dutch company Unilever, who make food, beverages, cleaning agents and other personal care products. In the UK, Axe exists under the brand name of Lynx. In America it is called Axe because it is actually an acronym that means “America X-terminated Exactingly”. The acronym is of course not publicly disclosed and just adds to the mystique of this evil anti-American conspiracy. The thing is, we are America, we are the best and the rest of the world is mad because they want to win their fair share of blue ribbons. Sorry world, America wins. It is also believed that it is a half-British company who manufactures this because they still harbor a lot of animosity and anger after losing the Revolutionary War over two-hundred years ago.

Men, teens and young boys need to stop buying this stuff – especially men. Their ads sell you on the idea that if you drench yourself in this toxic waste, supermodel bitches will chase you down in an attempt to take your seed. Somehow this magic spray has some mystical element that turns women into lust-driven hyenas that will stop at nothing to tie you down and smother you to death with primal sex moves. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have yet to meet a woman that has turned into a slut zombie by whiffing this stuff. The results I’ve seen have actually been the opposite. I can’t tell you how many sad saps I’ve seen walk into a bar saturated in Axe body spray in an attempt to stir up a maniacal orgy only to have the women flee to the other end of the bar: huddled up and giggling at the poor idiot.

The truth behind this stuff is eerie, as they are convincing dudes to buy it like it’s sexual crack rock when in fact it is a lie created to implement population control. If guys think it works, they put it on. When women flee, men can’t have sex with them and thus population is controlled, as babies can’t be made. It’s a pretty fucked up situation but with America out of the way, the British Empire can move back in and start taxing the crap out of our tea. I’m not completely sure why they’re selling it to their own people though, other than it is usually bought by people on the lower end of the social and economic scales and thus, the Royal Family can flush out all the poor people and have more money to buy jewels and scepters.

Regardless of whether or not you believe in crazy conspiracy theories doesn’t really matter. The proof is in the pudding and the proof is that Axe will do the exact opposite of getting you laid. Also, it is probably made with Smile-X and may turn you into some Jack Nicholson-looking Joker person. Plus the packaging looks like an energy drink; do you want to dump energy drink all over your body?

Man up and buy some goddamned cologne. Even cheap real cologne from CVS is better than this aerosol gamma radiation.

Zubaz Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Zubaz. God, just the name of these atrocious pants sends a tsunami-like wave of horror and nausea down my spine. Born in the late ’80s and popularized in the early ’90s, these ugly, baggy, zebra vomit covered polyester/cotton blended abominations have been in my nightmares since I first saw some idiot in my middle school walking around the cafeteria in them. They’re worse than a fucking eyesore and have been known to induce migraines and instantaneous diarrhea in those with just little-to-moderate fashion sense. There is nothing good that has ever come from these fluorescent parachute faux animal pelts.

To give a bit of history on these awful things, they were invented by the mega-successful wrestling tag team the Road Warriors a.k.a. the Legion of Doom. For those who don’t know or remember, these were the big meathead guys who ran around with mohawks and spiked football pads. While quite alpha and intimidating in their appearance, they probably shouldn’t be designing fashion for the general public. In doing so, they have created the worst fashion statement possible in an era that can only be described as the worst fashion era in the history of the world.

Go back to the late ’80s and early ’90s and check out what people were wearing. Look at the bullshit that was the most popular: Hypercolor t-shirts, Baja hoodies, Z. Cavariccis, Skidz, No Fear shirts, overalls with one strap down, Cross Colours gear, hip-hop Looney Toons shirts, Starter jackets, Mossimo shit, Stüssy shit, patterned vests over t-shirts, Blossom hats, sweaters as hip-warmers, Bugle Boy, denim button down shirts, the list goes on and on. However, if you put all that shit in a big cauldron and mix them into a big horrible fashion stew, they still wouldn’t be as bad as Zubaz.

Zubaz were designed by big meathead guys with no fashion sense for other big meathead guys with no fashion sense, all in an effort to give them fashion sense while still feeling alpha badass and cool. Well, from a fashion stance they failed… miserably.

That doesn’t mean that dude brahs all over didn’t rush out and buy these things like they were a guaranteed golden ticket to alpha eliteness. These horrible pants were hugely successful as far as sales go but then, so is Nickleback. Despite looking like a Tiger Force G.I. Joe toy, gym rats and middle school boys had to have them and couldn’t get enough.

In fact, Zubaz started producing pants in every sports team color combination available. When that wasn’t enough, they evolved from zebra and tiger stripes to even more atrocious designs. Within a few short years, males and even females were walking around with puffy pants that looked like magic eye posters (another horrible ’90s cultural turd).

Luckily, Zubaz died out not too long after they peaked and were washed away like other fashion disasters from that era. All was fine with the world and I was sure that I’d never have to see them again. Then some sort of weird resurgence happened. Sports teams started resurrecting them and had Zubaz nights. Even my beloved Chicago Cubs had a night last season celebrating these horrible fucking pants. The Cubs even gave them away! What the fuck is wrong with the world?

I’d like to state that I feel like the resurrection of Zubaz in sports is a curse to those who buy into it. In 2008, independent baseball team the St. Paul Saints wore Zubaz during a game. They were shutout by the Sioux City Explorers. The Russian curling team wore Zubaz in the 2014 Winter Olympics. They finished 7th out of 10 with a record of 3-6. This year the Detroit Tigers were dominating the American League, then they wore not just Zubaz pants but Zubaz jackets. They are now in 5th place overall in the AL and 2nd in their division behind the Kansas City Royals. Going back to last year’s Cubs team, they weren’t great when they celebrated Zubaz night but they were improving. As soon as they gave Zubaz away at Wrigley Field, the Cubs plummeted for the remainder of the season. The proof is in the pudding and sports teams should steer clear of the Zubaz Curse.

I hope that this Zubaz resurgence stays small and quickly fades away. I don’t need my favorite athletes looking like cougars wearing leopard print hoochie dresses out on the prowl for young meat. Essentially, that is what Zubaz are. They don’t make a man look tough and badass, they make him look like a sloppy man cougar who doesn’t understand fashion expiration dates. Besides that, no one has ever said, “Damn, that motherfucker looks sexy in his Zubaz.” And no one ever will.

Modern Porn Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I like porn. I always have. No, I am not an addict or one of those guys who actually goes out and buys porn tapes; do those even exist anymore? But when I’m in a sex drought and need to take care of some business, I like to pop on a decent porn and do what I’ve got to do. Luckily for you, this post isn’t about my masturbatory habits; don’t shy away and act like you don’t do it too because you do: everyone does. What this post is about, is the problem with modern porn. It just isn’t the same as it was when I was twelve.

Yes, I watched porn when I was a kid. Most American males from my generation did because we always had that friend who’d bring one of his dad’s tapes to school. In fact, I don’t think a week went by on the school bus where someone wasn’t showing off their dad’s Playboy or nudie trading cards they acquired from their older brother or drunk uncle. At least a few times a year, someone had a tape. By high school, I had probably half a dozen in my own collection from tapes copied from friends or stuff I “found”.

Porn is different today. Long gone is the bad acting, bad plots, bad hair, monstrous pubic pies and a lot of other staples that I came to know as a youngster. Today we have plastic supermodels, no plots, bald vaginas, better hair and the only bad acting is the sex moans. At first glance, one might consider this an improvement and I did too for a little while. Then I realized that something just wasn’t right about modern porn. I couldn’t connect to it and although it wasn’t ineffective, it wasn’t as effective as the material generations prior.

To start, how much fucking felatio are they going to cram into a 25 minute scene? No one in the world gives head for that long and between every single position change! Well, except paid porn stars apparently. But really, why so damn much of it? I’m glad I don’t pay for this porn shit anymore because it’d be a waste of damn money. At the risk of sounding too lewd, I want to see a dude bone a chick, not just make his cock disappear into her head for the whole damn scene! Besides that, felatio is boring after about 30 seconds. If I wanted to watch a non-stop blowjob, I’d just beat off to a GIF file.

Another issue is that chicks in porn used to look normal. These porn stars now are like plastic CGI creatures. Yes, some of them are excruciatingly beautiful with or without their “enhancements” but the whole thing just doesn’t feel real to me anymore. Not that old school porn felt real, as it was fantasy scenarios and situations that would most likely never happen, but the girls at least looked slightly better than average and felt like they were accessible. Maybe I’ve always liked the “girl next door” over the supermodel but porn was much more believable and enjoyable when it had even just a small level of believability to it.

The style of porn has also changed drastically and what I mean by that is that there are no longer plot-driven porn movies. I mean, they’re still made sparingly by some of the larger megaporn manufacturers but they’ve almost become nonexistent, unless you count the hundreds of parodies that are being cranked out. Sure, I enjoyed the porn parody of the 1960s Batman show but this seems to be the only type of porn movies with plots anymore. Now we just have “reality porn”, which is just some dude throwing a random chick a bunch of cash and banging her in a cramped bus or the supermodel type giving 75 minutes of felatio in some hotel room that looks like it’s in an MTV Real World house. Porn has become like crash television in its delivery. While it serves a purpose, it has become extremely redundant and bland. Maybe I’m just bored with it because I’m a creative guy and I don’t think it’s weird that I’d like a little more creativity in my smut.

Then there is the porn that is too goddamned creative. I’m referring to that “art porn” crap. Sorry, but I don’t want to see a tiger-striped body-painted chick in a cyborg outfit with tubes coming out of her orifices, as she shines and gleams under hot lights in front of a camera lens that some idiot art school dropout smeared Vaseline over. It’s fucking bizarre and stupid and serves no purpose other than stroking the overblown ego of some moron who thinks he is a genius even though he couldn’t get a job as a key grip on a SyFy movie about UFOs fighting giant radioactive koalas. But don’t get it twisted, straight up science fiction porn is cool; I’ll take that any day over this “artistic” crap.

Moving on, don’t even get me started on the overabundance of disgusting porn that I come across online. Octopus tentacles hanging out of a Japanese chick is unacceptable. If this makes me intolerable of other cultures, I’m okay with that. Actually, I could keep listing more stuff but I’m already feeling vomit-y.

Looking at the overall big picture, modern porn fucking sucks. No, I don’t want 1970s looking chicks with Wookiee bush on my screen but something a little more fun and entertaining than some crooked-dicked douchebag grunting like a retarded rhinoceros as he face fucks a shiny polyurethane looking chick that moans like a duck choking on a brisket would be nice.

While you may disagree with me, you’re wrong. Not much else needs to be said on the topic.

Flair Hair Hats Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2015. And I wish this was a dated article but I still see these things in 2019.

A friend of mine the other night was like, “Dude, I used to love those articles you used to write about stuff being bullshit. That bullshit series was great.” And then I was like, “Fuck yeah it was. I guess I haven’t had an idea for one in a while.” Of course that changed this morning when I saw a poor soul wearing a “flair hair” hat in front of my office.

I’ve hated these fucking hats since the first time I saw one a few years ago. The fact that they exist, let alone that someone would not just buy one but wear one, is beyond fucking baffling to me.

The first time I saw one was in a fast food restaurant and some old dude eating fries was wearing it proudly. He just looked like a total douche, a man beyond a mid-life crisis and trying way too hard to look like some sort of golfer slash Guy Fieri hybrid. I fucking hate Guy Fieri and every other decent human being on this planet does too. He is the epitome of douche and the main reason is because of his stupid ass hair.

What flair hair hats do, is make you take the douchiest part of the douchiest person alive and then wrap it in a traditional golf visor. An important yet functional fashion accessory of the classiest of all sports is crossbred with some uber douche pelt making it an imbecilic, bizarre and cringe worthy abomination. It is a fashion and comedy disaster.

The guys who wear these ass ugly fucktard hats are trying to convey a few things.

First, they want the world to know, “Hey, look at me! I’m the fun guy!” No, motherfucker. You’re not the fun guy and the joke is dumb. Plus, these have been out now for a few years. So if you bought one recently or still wear it, you’re behind the times. What you are really telling the world is, “Look at me! I’m not funny at all and I’m really late to the crappy party full of other crappy assholes!”

In addition to that, they think they’re embracing their baldness and introducing a little humor to the mix. Again, it isn’t funny. Plus, you aren’t embracing your baldness or your age by covering it up and trying to look like a younger, more obnoxious version of yourself. You have gone to a counterproductive extreme and you are wearing a big red flag that tells people you’re an unfunny aging weirdo that can’t just roll through the years with style and grace.

You can’t hide the sad away with a poor attempt at showing how fun and cool you are. Your ideal persona sucks. Embrace who you are and just rock it out.

We’re all getting older everyday and we’re all losing our hair or falling apart in some other way. Captain Picard was bald, chicks also wanted to throw their pussies at him. Besides, wearing these hats to express how cool you are about your baldness is like an obese person wearing a cow print t-shirt to express how cool they are about their fatness.

I’m a complete prick on some days, I can admit that. I’m a complete prick now. However, I’m not as big of a prick as Guy Fieri or anywhere near his level of douchebaggery. You shouldn’t be either. I mean, why would you want to be? Unless you like Guy Fieri? But if that’s the case, you’re a special kind of moron and you probably give people T.G.I. Friday’s coupon books for their birthday.

This is the worst fashion statement and attempt at humor ever devised. If these things continue to exist, modern civilization will be destroyed. We will all fall into ruin – haunted by Guy Fieri demons chuckling loudly, as they force us to eat bottomless portions of bad diner food.

Don’t contribute to the destruction of life as we know it.

The Pro Bowl Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2016.

I don’t write enough articles in my “bullshit” series, I know. But here is a new one! Because I have to talk about the biggest bullshit in sports, the Pro Bowl.

I love the Pro Bowl like a germaphobic neat freak loves explosive, uncontrollable diarrhea from a naked hobo hiding in their kitchen pantry.

From what I hear, the popular opinion agrees with me. Then again, this stupid fucking game still generates decent enough ratings so maybe I’m insane and everyone else is lying to me. I guess that’s what the comments section is for.

Anyway, I turned the Pro Bowl on late yesterday, as I was watching the superior NHL All-Star Game, which saw the all-star journey of John Scott come to a fitting and amazing conclusion. The NHL also gave us a fast-paced 3-on-3 tournament with teams broken down by division. The NHL got away from that shitty fantasy draft bullshit for their All-Star Game. The NFL still does that fantasy draft bullshit and it sucks giraffe cock.

So when I tuned in, the scorecard at the bottom didn’t read NFC and AFC, it read Rice and Irvin. What the fuck is that?!

Now I know that this format has been used before yesterday but I hate it. It is stupid as fuck. I really want to see the NFC duke it out with the AFC to determine which is the most talented conference in American football. When I watch the MLB All-Star Game, I want to see the AL against the NL, not Team Dunderfuck against Team Shitpickle. It’s supposed to be a braggin’ rights contest between leagues or conferences, not a real life version of DraftKingz with teams picked by old dudes, one of which is really unlikable.

Everyone knows how awful it is when your buddy talks about his fantasy team in a league you’re not even in. Well, that’s what this is, except it is on television and is backed by millions of dollars that could probably be used much better – like maybe, helping out overly concussed old men with their mountainous medical bills.

But again, people watch this bullshit. People even watched the two-hour long draft special on ESPN a few nights ago. Because I guess anything related to football is better than watching an actual game in any other sport. ‘Mericuh loves its football like it loves its reality television, Chipotle and obsessing over dickbag celebrities. Why’d I bring Chipotle into this? Because fuck Chipotle!

Back on topic!

The Pro Bowl is a waste of everyone’s time except the NFL’s bankers. Is it even really worth risking injury to a player when the conferences aren’t even fighting each other over who is better? What is the goddamned point, here?

I guess the MVP gets that cool trophy but is there just the one? Does he have to give it to the new MVP next year? Does he hand it back after the game? Does Michael Irvin hold on to it? Fuck Michael Irvin! Or maybe Roger Goddell takes it home and pretends it’s a large robot vagina?

But what’s the team get? I guess they get to keep their ugly as fuck Pro Bowl jerseys. But then the NFL probably takes those back and then auctions them off.

The National Football League has become a circus. The Pro Bowl is the NFL at its most circus-y, even more so than the Superbowl because at least that’s a game that means something.

I’d be more interested in a Pro Bowl that went back to the NFC vs. AFC format and was also held after the Superbowl, as it should be. And I like the Hawaii thing but maybe it isn’t working because I’ve heard livelier crowds at Blues Clues On Ice.

Maybe the game would be better with landmines, booby traps and pits full of alligators but then the prima donnas would complain about potential injury over a pointless game. Wait… that’s already an issue. So then yeah, we might as well embrace the booby traps.

Look, I don’t know how to fix the Pro Bowl, really. So maybe just kill the damned thing.

I was surprised I was actually able to get through twenty minutes of it last night before throwing on the Royal Rumble. Yeah, the Royal fucking Rumble… the start of WrestleMania season! Which gets overshadowed by a stupid game with no stakes and no point. And people call wrestling fake!

Maxim Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I really like looking at Mila Kunis and pretty much every other girl that Maxim throws on its cover to perk up dude’s peens and get them to buy a copy at the newsstand. Hot celebrity chicks wearing next to nothing will always turn the head of men in heat. For the record, men are always in heat; it’s the nature of the beast that is us but at least some of us aren’t pathetic dick-driven saps.

This is why I have never actually bought an issue of Maxim. Well, that and the absurdity of their headlines, which completely make me shake my head in disbelief. That is actually what this whole damn article is about.

Do the editors of Maxim think that men are women? I only ask this because at its core, on a content level, Maxim is essentially Cosmopolitan for people with dicks. I’m sorry but I have a dick and I’m not buying into this charade. To be blunt, I wouldn’t be surprised if Maxim was some attempt to further emasculate men by pretending that they’re trying to give the illusion of building them up.

To make my point clearer, let’s looks at some of the headlines from their covers:

“Is Your Girl Cheating?”
“Share The Love Bro!: How To Steal Your Best-Friend’s Girl”
“Can We Get That To Go (Waitress Sex)”
“I Do The Bridesmaid: Get Great Wedding Sex”
“She Wants To Cheat: Sex Secrets Of The Hotel Bar”
“Eat. Lay. Love. The Good Sex Diet”
“How To Scam Hot Chicks Even If You’re Too Timid To Even Buy Actual Pornography”
“Tongue Twist Her: How To Kiss Her Where It Counts”
“Love Lessons: Sex Tips You Can’t Live Without”
“5,000 Women Want You.. To Know What They Want In Bed”
“Become A God: In Bed, At Work, Behind The Wheel”
“Cheat And Don’t Get Caught: Women Tell You How”
“Touch Her Right Here: 10 Hot Spots For One-Stroke Seduction”
“Unleash Her Inner Nympho”
“Sex Unlimited!: Make Any Girl Seduce You!”

That’s just 15 headlines from random covers. They’ve been putting this shit out monthly for over 15 years. Not to mention that it has 16 editions in 75 countries. Maxim sells over two million magazines per month!

While reading those headlines, many of which I’ve seen on newsstands, I felt like my masculinity was shriveling up and dying just from glancing at those words. I mean, who writes that shit? More importantly, who reads it? Certainly not men. Well, possibly human beings with penises but not actual men.

Have we been reduced to insecure little bitches that cower in the face of sex? Are we gossipy woman-like creatures who need to thumb through the latest sex article because we’re fearful that our significant other is a loose trollop? Are we really all pigs that want to fuck our best friend’s girl? What does Maxim think a man is, exactly? And if they are this far gone on the understanding of masculinity, is it possible that they also don’t understand femininity?

Here’s reality though. You see, if Maxim’s tips and tricks were working, wouldn’t there be an extra two million dudes per month turning their game up – becoming superstar pimps leaving their mark on the hearts and uteruses of females everywhere?

Maxim is in the business of selling magazines. Sex sells. Maxim sells sex. People buy it. The formula is simple.

But as far as taking any of it seriously, get your shit together. Maxim isn’t here to help you and they really don’t care if they do. They sell a tried and true formula that works while desperate males continue to buy into it in an effort to quell their insecurities.

With the rise of feminism, women have become much more secure and have taken charge of their own destinies. That’s great. On the flipside however, men are seemingly reduced to the housewives of yesteryear, sitting in a bookstore café, nibbling on biscotti, reading Maxim – trying to get love tips to please their women, just as women used to do forty or fifty years ago. The roles have reversed and these men are just lost.

Well fellas, I’d hate to be the one to break it to you, but you aren’t going to find yourself in the pages of Maxim.

Getting back to the hot ladies in the magazine, yes.. I like to look at them. However, in this day and age, porn is free and at least people are naked and fucking.