Just For Men Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

“Just For Men”? More like “Just Be Whatever Corporations Tell You Women Want So They Can Sell Your Insecure Ass On Some Bullshit”!

The whole name “Just For Men” is oxymoronic. Their commercials usually depict some sort of manly dude being awesomely manly and then being shut down by some cunty supermodel slut because homeboy looks too old with a bit of salt and pepper in his hair and/or beard. Jesus Christ sliding down a rainbow, where do I even start ripping at the seams here?

Just For Men wants you to believe that women are that superficial and mindless. They also hope that you, the man, are also that superficial and mindless. Now if a woman is that superficial and mindless, she is a useless asshole bottom-feeding slag that you should buy a drink for – only to pour it in her gonorrhea afflicted lap. If you are a man that is also that superficial and mindless, you need to see a surgeon and have your testicles replaced because they’re not working properly.

The point is, if you are a bad ass grizzly bear motherfucker surfing the flaming solar flares of a supernova over a black hole while whittling your own 1972 Ferrari Dino out of granite, women will love you regardless of a few grey hairs on your chin. Hell, you could be full on grey or bald and women universally would be speed-flicking their beans – competing for the world record every time you just so happened to glance in their direction.

Shit, how many women still jack off to old ass Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Sean Connery and Patrick Stewart? Quite a bit. Hell, Johnny Depp after 50 years on this planet is showing some age but ladies still want to be finger-blasted by Capt. Jack Sparrow.

What men need is not some little dainty cardboard box full of dyes and womanly instructions. No, they need real fucking confidence! How bad ass would you feel combing your bitch dye into your meticulously shaped and effeminate bitch goatee (*cough! cough!.. Jay Glazer)? And no matter how much bitch dye you use, you will always be a bitch. And considering that real women don’t give a fuck, you’re just proving that.. 1.) You’re an idiot. 2.) You’re gullible. 3.) You’re a fear turtle that spends too much time in his bitch shell. 4.) You believe and trust any bullshit thrown at you. 5.) You’re about as masculine as a giant Hefty bag full of vaginas.

If the fact that Just For Men also sells “Just A Bit of Grey” kits doesn’t tip you off to their bullshit, that just means that you are a class A buffoon. These assholes will sell you anything, especially if you’re the kind of weakling sap suffering from the male guilt manufactured by the militant feminist movement that hates your penis anyway. Fuck those chicks wanting dicks of their own. Besides, they already own yours if you buy into this whole “Just For Men” conspiracy. Yes, conspiracy! A conspiracy to emasculate America!

Now don’t even get me started on those bullshit Gillette commercials with supermodels who would never fuck any of us – calling for men to completely shave their entire bodies. Fuck you, Kate Upton. Take off your make up and step away from the Photoshop. Minus your tits of magnificence, you’re just a day shift stripper at the Brass Ass outside of Cincinnati. If you can live a lie and hide your imperfections with MAC makeup and a team of graphic artists, I can hide mine with bodacious body hair and a beard epic enough to have Peter Jackson personally begging me to let him direct a trilogy about it.

At the end of the day, men just need to fucking embrace what they are. Stop being lap dogs because Milkbones taste like shit and being neutered means that you can’t properly fuck stuff.

Filet Mignon Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

So filet mignon.. lord, this is long overdue but I mentioned about how I was going to discuss this cut of meat several weeks ago but still haven’t yet apart from a mouse maze I drew (see below) and a meatku (a.k.a. a “meat haiku”) where I lambasted it (also see below). Well, here goes.

Filet mignon is regarded by many, if not most, to be the supreme cut of beef that one can get. It is expensive, small and despite how much there actually is in a cow, it is perceived as rare.

Fuck all that! A beef tenderloin is pretty damn big and filet mignon is just cut up beef tenderloin. It is readily available in decent sized portions. People need to stop looking at it like it’s a magical unicorn ovary. But speaking of portions, a beef tenderloin is like the size of a young elephant’s trunk, so why just cut it into small filet mignon meat discs? Fuck you cowboys! Give me the whole goddamned tenderloin with a barrel of Peter Luger sex sauce and I’m good! 6 oz. cut? Are you out of your everliving fucking mind?

Now filet mignon gets its appeal because out of all cuts of beef, it has the least amount of fat. It is also tiny, which just means that it is the perfect red meat meal for wannabe high class white bitches to chew vehemently as they pound some piss colored swill they call sauvignon blanc, puffing on Capris, waiting for the fondue cart to roll by. This is a Weight Watchers steak and should be avoided if other cuts are available to you such as ribeyes, porterhouses, New York strips, t-bones, etc.

So while these white bitches gnaw on this cut, as they slice through it surgically – making tiny white girl morsels, I am reminded – by witnessing this – just how overrated and lame filet mignon really is. Anyone with any sort of knowledge about food should be aware of two very common sense things in regards to life. 1.) Fat = Flavor. 2.) Small portions are for tiny birds with fruity looking feather arrays. With that being said, filet mignon violates both of these crucial laws.

It severely lacks the flavor of the most superior cut: ribeye. Also, it is tinier than a squirrel’s penis. And on top of that, it is more expensive than any other cut. If you gravitate towards filet mignon, you need to understand that you are gullible and susceptible to other grand deceptions like religion, politics and NBC’s The Voice.

Filet mignon is bullshit. It’s a waste of your time, your money and a cow’s resources. Funny thing is, I recently read a blog on Thrillist where it asked what popular meat is most overrated and almost unanimously, the world’s best chefs stated “filet mignon”. Why? Because once again, filet mignon – as a concept, as an ideal, as a belief is complete and utter bullshit.

If some of you who read this still love filet, let me pose this question: if you have a pork tenderloin and cut a one inch thick circular bit out of the middle of it, do you call that pork mignon? No! Because it is pork fucking tenderloin! That’s why filet mignon is the worst lie ever sold!

P.S.: The word “mignon” is French, which should already raise masculinity’s eyebrow a bit. Also, “mignon” translates in English to “cute” and “dainty”. Man the fuck up, America! And yes women, you need to man the fuck up too!

A meatku I wrote about filet mignon:
Overrated bitch!
Slightly flavorless and dry.
No fat, white girl steak.

Quotes by world renown chefs on filet mignon (taken from Thrillist):

It’s one-dimensional. Give me a shoulder or a piece of chuck, and I’ll give you something that’s really rich in flavor.” – John Besh: James Beard Award winner behind August, The American Sector, LÜKE (NOLA) and so many more

It’s boring and has very little flavor.” – Tom Colicchio: Top Chef Judge, the man behind Craft, Craftsteak, Colicchio & Sons and more

There’s not much flavor and not a lot of fat. It was classic back in the day, and obviously it’s expensive, but it’s not a flavorful piece of meat to me. There’s a time and a place for it, but there are much better cuts.” – Josh Capon: NYCWFF Burger Bash Winner, Exec. Chef at Lure Fishbar, B&B Winepub and El Toro Blanco (NYC)

It’s trash. It is a non-working muscle, which makes it super-tender (because the cow doesn’t use it), but has no flavor and is only palatable when forced on a long airplane ride.” – Michael White: Exec. Chef of Marea, Ai Fiori, Osteria Morini, Nicoletta (NYC)

There is very little marbling and not a lot of fat, which means less flavor.” – Bill Telepan: Exec. Chef, Telepan (NYC)