Tapas Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Tapas. Even the word annoys me. It sounds like someone with a lisp trying to say “tap ass”. By the way, I do like to “tap ass”. So when someone says “tapas” it pisses me off more because of the confusion.

You see, the whole concept of tapas baffles me. Someone once told me and I think it is a common belief that the word “tapas” means “little bits”. Well, according to Wikipedia, that’s bullshit because it is a word derived from the verb “tapar”, which means “to cover”. Well, I don’t know what the shit it’s covering because I’m still hungry. And to refer to them as little bits, which technically they are, just proves that they aren’t a very manly food. To be straightforward, if someone were to ask me, “You hungry, you want some little bits?” I’d quickly and angrily respond with, “Fuck no, I want a big ass piece of red meat and a goddamned bucket of whiskey or three!”

Tapas has become a big trend in American dining over the last several years. It’s a trend that came over from Spain, a country that enchants me on their soccer and wine fields. However, they seem to have lost sight of being respectable in the culinary arts. I’ve always been a fan of Spanish cuisine but the tapas thing makes me question my once loyal allegiance to one of the tastiest of European regions.

I mean, how did the Spaniards come up with this? Did the Conquistadors of yore pillage a village of midgets somewhere and thus, stole their tiny cuisine? Was there some sort of subculture we don’t know about where people pretended they were mice and ate little bits of food? Did some royal cook get killed for not putting a casserole together properly and then the king found out that he actually enjoyed all the little ingredients by themselves?

Additionally, who wants to eat a bunch of small food that is already cut up for you? I told my mum to give me the knife at 4 years-old because even as a child, I didn’t need mommy cutting up my steak into tiny bits. I was more of a man at four than these tapas eating adults today! When I see adults eating tapas, I see drooling toddlers carefully picking away at their tiny dinners. They might as well serve this shit on plastic Bob the Builder plates.

Let’s call tapas what it is, appetizers. Tapas is the Spaniard version of mozzarella sticks, jalapeño poppers, Southwest egg rolls, sliders, mini quiches and whatever else tiny piece of food one would eat because they’re hungry right now and the steak takes longer to cook.

Now the way Spain handles tapas, doesn’t offend me. They have them in bars, which people frequent after work. They are there to nibble on and enjoy because in Spain, people don’t eat dinner till after 9 o’clock. You see, tapas isn’t a meal, it is just an appetizer to hold you over until your meal is in your face.

In America, we’ve got it all fucked up. There are all these tapas restaurants and all the snooty white girls and their lapdog boyfriends have to frequent these culinary pits and dine on tapas – for dinner! Bitch, if all you’re eating for dinner is appetizers, you’re a special kind of stupid. You might as well just go sit at Applebee’s and keep ordering Potato Twisters for fifteen straight courses.

But I get it, with tapas you can order multiple things and “try” the food. Well, that’s all fine and dandy but that’s why I go to fucking Costco and at least there, the shit’s free! Also at Costco, I can buy the big version if I like something. Because what if, while trying all this stuff, you find something that makes you go, “Okay, right there! That’s the one!” Well, what do you do then? It’s an American tapas restaurant, can you simply order a 12 oz. portion of the fried goose liver with Pamplona glaze on a dainty little Melba Toast? No, you can’t. You can probably order a bunch of it as tapas but then the overly tanned white waiter who is pretending he is from Barcelona will just look at you like a pretentious douche because how dare you challenge the ancient discipline of tapas etiquette! The point is, why are you “trying” all the food if you can’t even order a decent portion of it? If you find the one thing you like, too bad, you just get a bite and are stuck munching on some other crap you don’t want.

My boss had a big company dinner about a year ago and he took us to this big tapas place in Las Vegas. Everyone raved about it and all the people who went were so excited to dine on tapas. We got there, I ate a bite of twenty different things and then it was over. I was still hungry and was like, “All this little shit is fine and dandy but where’s my goddamned entrée?” Nope, no entrée. Just a bunch of appetizers and a big check. Luckily, I didn’t have to pay for it. After I left this place that my boss described as “awesome”, I ditched my co-workers and hit up Del Taco. Why? Because tapas did not inspire “awe” and I was fucking hungry.

That was just one of several experiences I have had with tapas and after giving it a try a half dozen times or more, I’m just not impressed. Tapas places in the U.S. that at least offer actual entrées in addition to their fancy appetizers are at least considerate and doing it the right way. If an establishment only sells tapas, they’re bourgeoisie assholes that get off on starving while honoring trendiness over practicality.

Spain must laugh at us because I am. I mean, wouldn’t we in America laugh if some other country had some trend going where they opened thousands of restaurants only to serve fried pickles, kettle chips, tempura green beans and artichoke dip? And wouldn’t it be somewhat insulting if they referred to it as the pinnacle of American cuisine?

At the end of the day, do what you want, it’s your life. However, if you are some tapas connoisseur that values eating like a mouse toddler over eating like a full grown human being, you’re brain is about as big as the morsel on your coffee saucer dinner plate.

The Modern Sports Media Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Back in the day, I was an avid ESPN watcher. A morning before high school wasn’t complete without at least fifteen minutes of SportsCenter squeezed in. I also enjoyed the short-lived CNN SI, which was more straightforward with the sports news and less about entertainment.

The entertainment factor is probably why ESPN continued to dominate and CNN SI only made it a few years. Sure, CNN SI was fairly boring but it was about the news and not about cheap pops and a humor-driven shtick. Personally, I always loved ESPN’s format and style but somewhere along the line, it got distracted.

It isn’t just ESPN though, the largest sports shows, magazines and websites out there also got distracted. I’m not sure how it happened but over the last ten years or so, sports news became less about sports and more about gossip and bullshit. The modern sports media has become TMZ, the National Enquirer and Extra. ESPN has become E! for men.

I tune in because I want scores, highlights and stories about the sport. But I want it all and I don’t have a lot of time. What I get though, is two funny motherfuckers flying through highlights just so they can hurry and get to a ten minute segment about how Athlete A sent mean tweets to Athlete B. I shit you not, I forget which show I was watching but they once spent fifteen minutes discussing Tim Tebow being seen throwing a football into a garbage can. And don’t get me started on the scandals involving Tiger, Kobe or anyone else with a tricky dick. That’s all these ass clowns cared to talk about not just for weeks but for months. Hey assholes, there were games last night, I’d like a fucking recap, please! ESPN has become the Fox News or MSNBC of sports programming. It’s all opinion and bullshit from people who seemingly have about as much actual knowledge as a dog turd.

Now there are people on ESPN who know their shit but they are becoming few and far between and are generally overshadowed by the loudmouthed dickbags who have to shout and soak up all the airtime. Maybe I’ll make a list of the biggest dickbags on ESPN but that will be at a later date.

Moving past ESPN, we have the magazines and websites. Some of the leaders out there are Bleacher Report, SB Nation, DeadSpin, Sports Illustrated, NBC Sports, FanSided, Sporting News, Yahoo! Sports, Fox Sports and Rant Sports. There are many more but these seem to be the sites with the most traffic and biggest social media presence.

These magazines and websites take the whole TMZ aspect of sports media even further. I can’t tell you how many times per day I want to punch my monitor for displaying so much bullshit in my news feed. Let me list some recent headlines to paint a better picture:

“Joel Embiid’s pursuit of Kim Kardashian via Twitter hasn’t stopped now that he learned she’s married”
“Cardinals Fan Drops Beer On Fans Below”
“A Bride Whose Father Passed Away Walks Down the Aisle with Miami Hurricanes Mascot”
“Rob Ryan Carrying 3 Pizzas and a Stuffed Animal in Airport”
“Pouty Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Detailing Sex-Life Dissatisfaction”
“Derek Holland And The Rangers Play A Game Called “Fart Bottle Roulette””
“Tiger Woods is cursing, throwing clubs, and ready to leave the British Open”
“Finding the best 1980’s NFL quarterback based on rap lyrics”
“Zach McAllister Channels His Inner Carly Rae Jepsen on Extremely Wild Pitch”
“Joel Embiid Is Really Good At Twitter – Let’s Not Ruin This”
“Tour de France rider has diarrhea, uses fan’s roadside RV”
“Here’s a giant, inflatable colon outside a Triple A ballpark”
“What Are New York City’s Most Popular Dog Names?”
“Kentucky man gets arrested, orders 5 pizzas to police station”
“Dwyane Wade replaces LeBron James with this alley-ooping dolphin”

Jesus, some of those don’t even have anything to do with sports.

Anyway, this is the type of shit sports sites are promoting and putting out. Real sports news is secondary. Maybe it’s because no one really cares anymore about sports. Yes, they watch them and they buy the merchandise and go to games but people seem to be more into the celebrity aspect of sports. And if it isn’t that, they’re so focused on fantasy sports that they aren’t fans of the game in the same way they used to be. Also, with a lot more women becoming sports fans in the last few decades, some of this stuff has to cater to what they want. Since, tabloids and TMZ are generally absorbed by women, sports media jumps on that bandwagon.

Expanding their product to fit a larger demographic, many sports media outlets have become these gossipy bullshit beasts. I’m sorry but I want good sports journalism and coverage, not gossip and fashion posts. On television I want highlights and insight, not assholes screaming over one another about whether or not gays belong in sports – they do. I also don’t need a bunch of dickbags telling me that I don’t understand x, y and z because I’ve never been in a locker room and experienced that culture. Fuck you, I’ve been in a locker room and fuck you, your bullshit argument holds no weight. Frankly, I’m just tired of know-it-all motherfuckers who really don’t know shit. They get paid to waste my time and would be better suited hosting Entertainment Tonight. An epileptic cat that only understands French could give better analysis and insight than most of these clowns.

Men today seem to be eating this shit up. The pussification and emasculation of the American male has crossed over into the sports world and they don’t seem to notice. Yes, I have friends I’ve talked to who see these trends and, like me, have pretty much stopped watching this nonsense. The problem though, is that there aren’t alternatives, as this sports tabloid programming has now become the norm. We’re basically forced to watch it or nothing at all.

Man the fuck up, sports media.

That Alpha Male Stuff Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Many men seem to subscribe to this bullshit ideal that there are alpha males among us. Many envision themselves as the alpha male and thus, adopt the traits and qualities that they think they’re supposed to exude as a pack leader. Many women buy into and perpetuate this myth, only uncrossing their legs for the alpha badass. I’m not sure how this myth has existed for so long amongst human beings but it has. In fact, I believed it until recently, only because I guess I never really questioned it and took the rhetoric for face value. I also never really put much thought into it until coming across several guys taking this shit to heart a little too much.

To start, the whole ideal that there are alpha males in wolf packs was old shitty science. In the last several decades, this has been debunked, as scientists have learned that this classification was incorrect. More studies in wolves and their behavior has led to the realization that wolf packs or families pretty much exist like human families: the male impregnates a female, the female has babies and mom and dad are the natural boss – each fulfilling specific pack roles. Internationally recognized wolf expert, Dr. David L. Mech, who wrote one of the most famous books on alpha wolves in 1970, even debunks the bad alpha male science (see here).

Even if new science didn’t debunk previous beliefs in animal behavior, why would people want to resort to what they claim is their animalistic tendencies? We are the rulers of the planet because we have evolved past being primal beasts biting each others’ faces off and taking whatever pretty polly we see fit for the taking. If you’re claiming to embrace your animal side, are you also going to live naked in caves and eat small woodland creatures you kill with your teeth? If you’re a hardcore fucking alpha male, embrace the whole thing! Don’t cherry pick like a beta bitch!

So why do so many guys embrace this and so many women buy into it?

It’s a marketing gimmick by that pick-up artist crowd to sell books and programs. Yes I kind of blasted those guys last week but I’m really not done. In regards to this alpha bullshit, they sell themselves as these alpha badasses to their “beta” audience in an effort to make money and sell a scam based on bad science and the dynamics of a totally different mammalian species. If they are alphas in that they prey on the weak, then they are correct. However, preying on the gullible and desperate isn’t badass, it’s kind of sad and it also pisses me off. The high school jock who backfists the handicapped kid for his lunch money isn’t an alpha anything, he’s just a douchebag asshole.

What happens here, is that men who are bad at attracting women or not successful in other areas, latch on to other guys who seem like they got their shit together. Pick-up artists selling their secret and mysterious formulas move in and the desperate dudes who need real advice and direction buy the shit up like hotcakes. In the end, most of them still never succeed. But enough with rehashing points from my last article on the subject of pick-up artists.

The thing is, they are buying bad advice from charlatans. The alpha male thing is bullshit in the wild and it is certainly bullshit in humans. Yes, there are guys who are better at certain skills than others but there’s a trade off there. I’m really good at graphic design and writing but I suck at carpentry. Does my cousin who is an awesome carpenter, have more alpha juice than me with his skill? Or do I have more alpha juice than him because I am a better graphic designer and writer? Picking up women is just another skill set. It doesn’t make you alpha anything or better than someone else.

Does bullying weaker dudes to do your bidding make you an alpha male? No, you’re just a bully and a dick. The guys getting bullied aren’t beta males either, they’re just victims if they put up with your shit. Frankly, they should punch you in the face. Perceiving them as betas is bullshit because there will certainly be some skill that they are more versed in than the self-proclaimed alpha bully.

Now one could be quantifying certain skills as alpha skills and others as not. That’s just semantics and asinine. If one were to make a list of multiple alpha skills, no one would be good at all of it. Additionally, none of us would all agree on what is an alpha skill and what isn’t, it’s all subjective. But lets say we can come up with a list that everyone agrees upon. Some guys will excel at certain things and fall short in others. All of our results would be different. Some would be good at macking on chicks, others would be good at weightlifting, some would be good at racing cars, others would be good at building nunchucks.

This alpha male crap only exists because too many men have fallen victim to the ideal. If you buy into this bullshit societal framework or hierarchy of masculinity, you are feeding the machine. You’re giving the dudes selling you on this shit, more fuel to be the alpha shitcocks that they are, as you bow to their words and lessons like the obedient beta bitch persona they’ve created for you. While trying to learn your way out of something that didn’t exist in the first place, you are only reinforcing its hold on you.

You may not be the best at getting chicks but you’re probably the best at something else. I get it though, you want the pussy but life isn’t fair. I’m not saying this to beat you down or to make you just give up the fight and the effort. I’m saying this because if you buy into this alpha male garbage, you need to hear it. There is no magic pill I have to fix your situation. There is no magic pill, period.

What you need to do, as hard as it may be, is to get out there and try. Talking to women is hard, I get it. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Rejection also sucks but it will happen, even to the greatest overly charismatic alpha male pick-up artists out there. It goes back to the old adage that you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Well, you have to break the eggs.

And maybe learn how to fight if you don’t know how. Because if someone wants to start some shit, you should stand up for yourself and kick their cock up into their throat.

DiGiorno Design-A-Pizza Kit Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Let me start by saying that I do like DiGorno’s pizza. This isn’t a knock against their quality and what they produce in general, which is one of the best frozen pizzas on the market.

Recently though, they’ve come out with this “Design-A-Pizza Kit”. C’mon, man? Really?

This is a product that takes financial advantage of the complete idiot. Reason being, it is pointless and stupid. If you buy this, you have no imagination and are buying into some marketing ploy to make frozen pizzas more interesting. Fuck that, it’s a goddamned frozen pizza! How interesting can it be?

And by financial advantage, I mean that this thing costs extra. Yeah, it costs extra to put your own toppings on a pizza. Fuck that! You want to charge me more money, you better not be a lazy ass and you better put the damn toppings on! Why am I paying DiGiorno more money for me to do extra work? It’s like some sort of socialist welfare system where I’m paying these deadbeats out of my own pocket not to work.

Rewinding back a bit, yes, I attacked the imaginations of those who would purchase this. Why? Well because they apparently didn’t have the foresight and creativity to realize that every frozen pizza they have ever bought is essentially a “Design-A-Pizza Kit”.

You see, every frozen pizza comes with its toppings already on top of it. Sure, they don’t come in organized little pouches to make you feel special but ultimately, you can take the toppings on your frozen pizza and rearrange them (or remove them). They aren’t glued to the fucking cheese. No! You can physically move the pepperoni, sausage and veggies around however the hell you want. Why do I know this? Because I’ve done it. I guess that makes me the most creative frozen pizza-eating motherfucker in America. I’ll take that distinction and title with some serious pride.

There was one time when my ex-girlfriend was all like, “What the fuck? I don’t want meat pizza?!” So I took all the meat off of her half and added it to my half and that was that. She got what she wanted, which didn’t prevent her from still being a whiny bitch, and I got double meat plus other toppings. We both won, other than her attitude – her attitude was a loser.

The ads for this pizza just irritate me. A bunch of “hip” younger motherfuckers making smiley face pizzas with minimal toppings. Why would I want some bullshit smiley pizza? The assholes in the commercial wasted like 95 percent of the toppings. This is just some pretentious hipster pizza.

Really though, all irate ranting aside, how stupid is this?

I guess if you have kids and shit, it can be entertaining and whatnot. But seriously, if you want your kids to have a cool pizza-making experience, make that son of a bitch from scratch. When my mum was like, “Hey you wanna make a pizza pie?” and six year-old Rob was like, “Hells yeah!” my mum made some damn dough, rolled that shit out, tossed it around like some uncooked bread frisbee, hand cut all the toppings, made the sauce from scratch, shredded the cheese and then had me put it all together like some badass Italian Frankenstein’s monster that we could eat! It was a great experience and certainly way better than if she had pulled out DiGiorno’s “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and told me to just open the boring ass pouches and drop the boring ass contents on a boring ass frozen pizza.

Maybe I am overreacting here and reading way too much into this, making a big deal about something trivial and unimportant?

No, fuck that! This is a pretty asinine product and when I see people buying it, I will immediately know that they are escaped mental patients trying to blend in to society. You’re not fooling me you crazy bastard! I see your “Design-A-Pizza Kit” and I know that you’re an insane person!

This product just makes no sense to me. If it makes sense to you, you make no sense to me. That’s it.

Axe Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

There is an epidemic going on in America. Come to think of it, as far as I know, it could be crossing over our borders and seeping into the rest of the world. An epidemic of monolithic proportions that is rewriting human history and destroying our future.

While people worry about climate change, rising seas, nuclear meltdowns, oil spills, radioactive tsunamis, alien invasion, kaiju attacks, zombies and haunted VHS tapes, there is a much bigger and more sinister threat that must be dealt with. Something that is comprised of pure evil, which needs immediate attention because in all actuality, it is probably already too late to stop it. The threat I am talking about is Axe body spray.

Interestingly, Axe isn’t even made in America. It comes from the British-Dutch company Unilever, who make food, beverages, cleaning agents and other personal care products. In the UK, Axe exists under the brand name of Lynx. In America it is called Axe because it is actually an acronym that means “America X-terminated Exactingly”. The acronym is of course not publicly disclosed and just adds to the mystique of this evil anti-American conspiracy. The thing is, we are America, we are the best and the rest of the world is mad because they want to win their fair share of blue ribbons. Sorry world, America wins. It is also believed that it is a half-British company who manufactures this because they still harbor a lot of animosity and anger after losing the Revolutionary War over two-hundred years ago.

Men, teens and young boys need to stop buying this stuff – especially men. Their ads sell you on the idea that if you drench yourself in this toxic waste, supermodel bitches will chase you down in an attempt to take your seed. Somehow this magic spray has some mystical element that turns women into lust-driven hyenas that will stop at nothing to tie you down and smother you to death with primal sex moves. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have yet to meet a woman that has turned into a slut zombie by whiffing this stuff. The results I’ve seen have actually been the opposite. I can’t tell you how many sad saps I’ve seen walk into a bar saturated in Axe body spray in an attempt to stir up a maniacal orgy only to have the women flee to the other end of the bar: huddled up and giggling at the poor idiot.

The truth behind this stuff is eerie, as they are convincing dudes to buy it like it’s sexual crack rock when in fact it is a lie created to implement population control. If guys think it works, they put it on. When women flee, men can’t have sex with them and thus population is controlled, as babies can’t be made. It’s a pretty fucked up situation but with America out of the way, the British Empire can move back in and start taxing the crap out of our tea. I’m not completely sure why they’re selling it to their own people though, other than it is usually bought by people on the lower end of the social and economic scales and thus, the Royal Family can flush out all the poor people and have more money to buy jewels and scepters.

Regardless of whether or not you believe in crazy conspiracy theories doesn’t really matter. The proof is in the pudding and the proof is that Axe will do the exact opposite of getting you laid. Also, it is probably made with Smile-X and may turn you into some Jack Nicholson-looking Joker person. Plus the packaging looks like an energy drink; do you want to dump energy drink all over your body?

Man up and buy some goddamned cologne. Even cheap real cologne from CVS is better than this aerosol gamma radiation.

Zubaz Are Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Zubaz. God, just the name of these atrocious pants sends a tsunami-like wave of horror and nausea down my spine. Born in the late ’80s and popularized in the early ’90s, these ugly, baggy, zebra vomit covered polyester/cotton blended abominations have been in my nightmares since I first saw some idiot in my middle school walking around the cafeteria in them. They’re worse than a fucking eyesore and have been known to induce migraines and instantaneous diarrhea in those with just little-to-moderate fashion sense. There is nothing good that has ever come from these fluorescent parachute faux animal pelts.

To give a bit of history on these awful things, they were invented by the mega-successful wrestling tag team the Road Warriors a.k.a. the Legion of Doom. For those who don’t know or remember, these were the big meathead guys who ran around with mohawks and spiked football pads. While quite alpha and intimidating in their appearance, they probably shouldn’t be designing fashion for the general public. In doing so, they have created the worst fashion statement possible in an era that can only be described as the worst fashion era in the history of the world.

Go back to the late ’80s and early ’90s and check out what people were wearing. Look at the bullshit that was the most popular: Hypercolor t-shirts, Baja hoodies, Z. Cavariccis, Skidz, No Fear shirts, overalls with one strap down, Cross Colours gear, hip-hop Looney Toons shirts, Starter jackets, Mossimo shit, Stüssy shit, patterned vests over t-shirts, Blossom hats, sweaters as hip-warmers, Bugle Boy, denim button down shirts, the list goes on and on. However, if you put all that shit in a big cauldron and mix them into a big horrible fashion stew, they still wouldn’t be as bad as Zubaz.

Zubaz were designed by big meathead guys with no fashion sense for other big meathead guys with no fashion sense, all in an effort to give them fashion sense while still feeling alpha badass and cool. Well, from a fashion stance they failed… miserably.

That doesn’t mean that dude brahs all over didn’t rush out and buy these things like they were a guaranteed golden ticket to alpha eliteness. These horrible pants were hugely successful as far as sales go but then, so is Nickleback. Despite looking like a Tiger Force G.I. Joe toy, gym rats and middle school boys had to have them and couldn’t get enough.

In fact, Zubaz started producing pants in every sports team color combination available. When that wasn’t enough, they evolved from zebra and tiger stripes to even more atrocious designs. Within a few short years, males and even females were walking around with puffy pants that looked like magic eye posters (another horrible ’90s cultural turd).

Luckily, Zubaz died out not too long after they peaked and were washed away like other fashion disasters from that era. All was fine with the world and I was sure that I’d never have to see them again. Then some sort of weird resurgence happened. Sports teams started resurrecting them and had Zubaz nights. Even my beloved Chicago Cubs had a night last season celebrating these horrible fucking pants. The Cubs even gave them away! What the fuck is wrong with the world?

I’d like to state that I feel like the resurrection of Zubaz in sports is a curse to those who buy into it. In 2008, independent baseball team the St. Paul Saints wore Zubaz during a game. They were shutout by the Sioux City Explorers. The Russian curling team wore Zubaz in the 2014 Winter Olympics. They finished 7th out of 10 with a record of 3-6. This year the Detroit Tigers were dominating the American League, then they wore not just Zubaz pants but Zubaz jackets. They are now in 5th place overall in the AL and 2nd in their division behind the Kansas City Royals. Going back to last year’s Cubs team, they weren’t great when they celebrated Zubaz night but they were improving. As soon as they gave Zubaz away at Wrigley Field, the Cubs plummeted for the remainder of the season. The proof is in the pudding and sports teams should steer clear of the Zubaz Curse.

I hope that this Zubaz resurgence stays small and quickly fades away. I don’t need my favorite athletes looking like cougars wearing leopard print hoochie dresses out on the prowl for young meat. Essentially, that is what Zubaz are. They don’t make a man look tough and badass, they make him look like a sloppy man cougar who doesn’t understand fashion expiration dates. Besides that, no one has ever said, “Damn, that motherfucker looks sexy in his Zubaz.” And no one ever will.

Modern Porn Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

I like porn. I always have. No, I am not an addict or one of those guys who actually goes out and buys porn tapes; do those even exist anymore? But when I’m in a sex drought and need to take care of some business, I like to pop on a decent porn and do what I’ve got to do. Luckily for you, this post isn’t about my masturbatory habits; don’t shy away and act like you don’t do it too because you do: everyone does. What this post is about, is the problem with modern porn. It just isn’t the same as it was when I was twelve.

Yes, I watched porn when I was a kid. Most American males from my generation did because we always had that friend who’d bring one of his dad’s tapes to school. In fact, I don’t think a week went by on the school bus where someone wasn’t showing off their dad’s Playboy or nudie trading cards they acquired from their older brother or drunk uncle. At least a few times a year, someone had a tape. By high school, I had probably half a dozen in my own collection from tapes copied from friends or stuff I “found”.

Porn is different today. Long gone is the bad acting, bad plots, bad hair, monstrous pubic pies and a lot of other staples that I came to know as a youngster. Today we have plastic supermodels, no plots, bald vaginas, better hair and the only bad acting is the sex moans. At first glance, one might consider this an improvement and I did too for a little while. Then I realized that something just wasn’t right about modern porn. I couldn’t connect to it and although it wasn’t ineffective, it wasn’t as effective as the material generations prior.

To start, how much fucking felatio are they going to cram into a 25 minute scene? No one in the world gives head for that long and between every single position change! Well, except paid porn stars apparently. But really, why so damn much of it? I’m glad I don’t pay for this porn shit anymore because it’d be a waste of damn money. At the risk of sounding too lewd, I want to see a dude bone a chick, not just make his cock disappear into her head for the whole damn scene! Besides that, felatio is boring after about 30 seconds. If I wanted to watch a non-stop blowjob, I’d just beat off to a GIF file.

Another issue is that chicks in porn used to look normal. These porn stars now are like plastic CGI creatures. Yes, some of them are excruciatingly beautiful with or without their “enhancements” but the whole thing just doesn’t feel real to me anymore. Not that old school porn felt real, as it was fantasy scenarios and situations that would most likely never happen, but the girls at least looked slightly better than average and felt like they were accessible. Maybe I’ve always liked the “girl next door” over the supermodel but porn was much more believable and enjoyable when it had even just a small level of believability to it.

The style of porn has also changed drastically and what I mean by that is that there are no longer plot-driven porn movies. I mean, they’re still made sparingly by some of the larger megaporn manufacturers but they’ve almost become nonexistent, unless you count the hundreds of parodies that are being cranked out. Sure, I enjoyed the porn parody of the 1960s Batman show but this seems to be the only type of porn movies with plots anymore. Now we just have “reality porn”, which is just some dude throwing a random chick a bunch of cash and banging her in a cramped bus or the supermodel type giving 75 minutes of felatio in some hotel room that looks like it’s in an MTV Real World house. Porn has become like crash television in its delivery. While it serves a purpose, it has become extremely redundant and bland. Maybe I’m just bored with it because I’m a creative guy and I don’t think it’s weird that I’d like a little more creativity in my smut.

Then there is the porn that is too goddamned creative. I’m referring to that “art porn” crap. Sorry, but I don’t want to see a tiger-striped body-painted chick in a cyborg outfit with tubes coming out of her orifices, as she shines and gleams under hot lights in front of a camera lens that some idiot art school dropout smeared Vaseline over. It’s fucking bizarre and stupid and serves no purpose other than stroking the overblown ego of some moron who thinks he is a genius even though he couldn’t get a job as a key grip on a SyFy movie about UFOs fighting giant radioactive koalas. But don’t get it twisted, straight up science fiction porn is cool; I’ll take that any day over this “artistic” crap.

Moving on, don’t even get me started on the overabundance of disgusting porn that I come across online. Octopus tentacles hanging out of a Japanese chick is unacceptable. If this makes me intolerable of other cultures, I’m okay with that. Actually, I could keep listing more stuff but I’m already feeling vomit-y.

Looking at the overall big picture, modern porn fucking sucks. No, I don’t want 1970s looking chicks with Wookiee bush on my screen but something a little more fun and entertaining than some crooked-dicked douchebag grunting like a retarded rhinoceros as he face fucks a shiny polyurethane looking chick that moans like a duck choking on a brisket would be nice.

While you may disagree with me, you’re wrong. Not much else needs to be said on the topic.