RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2014.
I once had a girlfriend say to me, “You know, you really should trim your bush.” I looked her dead in her eyes and laughed. Then I saw that her face meant that she was serious and not amused by my merry response. She then said, “I’m fucking serious. And you need to trim up your body too.” Then I looked a lot less amused and she retorted with, “I keep my bush trimmed for you!” My response, “No, you keep it trimmed because that’s what your stupid girlfriends do and you assume that’s what I want and in fact, I feel weird when I’m going down on your prepubescent looking vagina.” Needless to say, the relationship only lasted about as long as it took me to walk to the door.
The point of this tale is that there are a lot of ideas that people have about how a body should look – especially when it comes to body hair. I’m going to say this, look at Tom Selleck in that picture. Do you think that bad ass mastodon of manliness gives a fuck what anyone thinks about his luscious chest forest or pimp mustache? Fuck no he doesn’t and women still throw their pussies at him even though Magnum P.I. hasn’t been on CBS since 1988.
Look at George Clooney, Sean Connery, Hugh Jackman, Harrison Ford, Burt Reynolds, Ben Affleck, Jon Hamm, Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff, Chuck Norris, Jude Law, Robin Williams, Allen Payne, Henry Cavill, Seth Rogen, Pierce Brosnan and Will Ferrell. All these men embrace their manly body foliage and no one gives a shit because they rock it and they are all sexy as fuck in their own way. And this isn’t me admitting to some homoerotic man crushes, the proof is in the pudding and these dudes have been pussy magnets for years. Not because of fame but because they don’t give a shit what some overbearing chick has to say about it. They man the fuck up and crush life and that is what draws the women in.
Furthermore, with body hair like these guys have, do you think they shave their cock manes? Hell no.
The word “manscaping” is just some idiotic bullshit slang term some girl came up with that her little friends probably thought was cute. It is an abomination of the English language and the word makes me shudder like a chihuahua with his nuts stuck to a frozen Montreal sidewalk in January.
And speaking of lapdogs, that is all a man is, if he gives in to his female’s urges to trim his dick beard away. Hell, if he trims anything at her request, he’s an idiot and actually probably deserves his own lapdog fate for giving in. He may as well finish the job and just snip his balls off and hand them to her.
I will admit though, that I nearly snipped my balls off when I was younger. My girlfriend at the time asked me to trim my pubes. I gave them a number zero with my hair clippers. The next day when she was riding me, she mentioned that it was horrible and it felt like “fucking a cactus”. I told her to enjoy it because it was what she wanted. She never asked me to trim again and I never did, in that relationship or in any of the ones after it.
From a definition standpoint, “manscaping” used to just refer to trimming the sex region. Somewhere down the line, women who obsess over hairless teenage sparkling vampires wanted their men to look like this as well. They envision the perfect guy to basically look like a hairless cat with eyeliner, covered in glitter. Well, to me, the perfect woman has a tighter vagina but I don’t make them wrap a bungee cord around their labia when it’s squeezing my manwurst.
Now on the flip side, women may be getting pissed and want to counter with the fact that men expect them to shave and womanscape their shit.
One: I don’t give a fuck what you do honestly. I prefer some hair on my lady’s vagina but I’m not going to hold a gun to her head. Landing strips are unattractive, bald pussy is unattractive, the Hitler mustache thing is unattractive – I just prefer it to have some hair and be in the proper shape it grows in. Hair is character.
Many guys want bald pussies but many guys also gawk at middle school girls. Stay away from those perverts and don’t help them with their weird preteen fetishes by making your vagina look like a 12 year-old’s.
Also, just because your girlfriends buy into the bald pussy hype, doesn’t mean you need to be a follower.
Two: Does this mean girls can grown hair on their legs and under their arms? I really don’t care but let me keep it real for a second.
I prefer girls to be traditional. No, not caveman traditional but traditional in the sense of shaving the normal parts. I don’t see this shit as hypocritical when girls have been doing this for generations. Does that make me a male oppressor? No, because you can do what the fuck you want. I wont date you for very long but that’s fine. If you don’t like my hairiness and supreme beastly sexual robustness, then don’t date me. It is pretty fucking simple.
Besides, men didn’t force you to shave. Around World War I or so, dresses got shorter and women shaved their legs because they were showing that skin for the first time. I mean, maybe a dude said, “Hey I bet if you shave that it might look nicer.” But seriously, no male agenda suddenly popped up where they wanted women to have bald legs after millions of years of them being hairy. That’s like people deciding to dye the ocean purple for no fucking reason after millions of years of it being blue.
Plus, women did this themselves due to their insane competitive nature with one another. Where men (well, real men) compete with one another in arm-wrestling and wood-chopping, women compete with one another in physical appearance and how much free swag they can collect from their new boy toy. Don’t blame men because you wanted the shiniest and smoothest legs.
Three: Guys being forced to shave their bodies is just bizarre. We’re not supposed to look like women and frankly, I think that any woman that wants a hairless man, really just wants to fuck an adolescent boy. You ladies are fucking weird. You’re the female equivalent to the men who demand bald pussy. All of you need therapy and to be put on a sexual predator list.
Is it possible that women are just mad that men “made them” shave their pits and now they want the ultimate revenge by making their men go hairless? Whatever; grow up. Or don’t grown up and then grow your pits out and grow your cat collection because no dude is growing his boner for you.
Four: Fuck Twilight!
Furthermore, if a chick I’m with wants to go full bush, fuck it, I’ll take the plunge and dive right in.
I once had a girlfriend try to point out that too much body hair or pubic hair is unsanitary. She wasn’t the brightest dildo in her drawer.
The truth is, it isn’t unsanitary – unless a motherfucker never bathes and then his whole body is unsanitary.
In fact, there are more germs on a human face and hands than there are on private parts – like tons more.
Secondly, I take a minimum of two showers a day and usually three because I’m a freak.
Thirdly, this chick had two outside cats that she would let sleep in her bed. And my body hair is unsanitary? Her house also smelled like cat piss and menthols.
The great men of old didn’t even think twice about their body hair or their pubic hair. Women didn’t even think about it either until the last decade or two. Somewhere along the line, like the 1990s or so, women wanted their men to be just as pretty as them. Men aren’t supposed to be pretty. Maybe you ladies are lesbians that haven’t come to terms with your desires or it is easier for you to just make a weak man pretty since he comes with his own built in dildo that doesn’t require batteries?
If you want a man, embrace a fucking man. If you want a doll with a penis, have fun with that. I’ve written enough on the subject and I’ve got some serious muff to stuff.