Retro Relapse: 25 Types of Old People You’ll Find In a Florida Grocery Store

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

It is once again “season” in Florida. Our roads are overtaken by old folks who have a hard time doing anything faster than twenty miles per hour under the posted speed limit. They also try to take you out like you’re trapped in a modern version of Death Race 2000 played in ultra slow motion.

But they aren’t just horrendous drivers trying to murder the residents of the towns they invade, they are also awful at navigating grocery stores. At the very least, they are just in the way and hold up lines and a person’s progress at trying to get in, get food and get the fuck out.

These are the twenty-five most common types of old people you will run into in a Florida grocery store this time of year. Then again, with more and more becoming permanent residents, this is evolving into a year round epidemic.

1. The Banker – This is the old person that has groceries totaling $87.49 and insists on counting out pennies for that entire amount.

2. The Free Sample Congregation – This is a group that grows and refuses to move on because someone is handing out tiny spoons with tapioca on them. They usually stand in front of the aisle with the one thing you need to grab quickly.

3. The Deli Counter Diddler – This is that jerk who is in front of you in line at the deli counter and insists upon trying every single cold cut in the window and some of them twice.

4. The Cart Kamikaze – We’ve all been hit by this asshole. They’re the ones who just come right at you with their shopping cart and smash into you while making eye contact the whole time. Oh, they see you. They just don’t give a shit.

5. The Scooter Kamikaze – Same as above but way more dangerous as this jackoff is piloting a motorized scooter at top speed. They often times knock over elaborate displays throughout the store without a single care in the world.

6. The Looper – This is that old person who keeps looping around the same two aisles over and over. They don’t even seem to be looking for anything specific. I’m not sure if they are lost, confused or the grocery store equivalent to mall walkers.

7. The Cigarette and Lotto Arguer – The angry old coot that holds up the line yelling at the clerk as to which cigarettes or lottery ticket they want even though the clerk has their hand on the correct one.

8. The Pirate Candy Sampler – The douchebag that sticks their dirty hand in the candy bins and samples the treats.

9. The Backseat Driver – The old lady that bosses her hubby around as he’s driving the cart, further confusing him and turning them into a two-person cart kamikaze tandem.

10. The Life Story Check Writer – The old woman who writes a check and takes way more time than necessary, as if she’s writing an entry in her diary. She often asks for the clerk to help her read the check, as she writes it because the sections on a check are apparently never in the same place.

11. The Parking Lot Zombie – Does this need an explanation? Just be careful, they are dangerous and are always aiming for you and your vehicle.

12. The Expired Coupon Pusher – The grumpy old lady that wants a box of Betty Crocker three cheese potatoes au gratin for 35 cents because she has a coupon from 1987. The argument with the cashier can last up to 45 minutes.

13. The Confused Tortoise – This is the jerk that somehow pulls in front of you and walks at speeds that rival a snail. They go up the middle of the aisle and sway left, then right, then left again. You can never get around them and they don’t care that you are behind them because young people need to slow down and enjoy the beautiful sights of canned vegetables.

14. The Dead Beat Parent – This is that phantom person that abandons their full cart of frozen goods in the middle of a busy aisle. I’m not 100 percent sure if they are old but they probably are.

15. The Oblivious Express Lane Invader – The clueless elderly dolt who squeezes into the express lane with two carts full of vitamins, diapers, prune juice, fish oil pills, plain yogurt, magazines and tonic water. They are either completely unaware of the giant red flashing light that says “10 Items Or Less” or they just don’t give a shit because getting old means you get special privileges.

16. The Meat Statue – This person is frozen in time – staring at the steaks or chicken, blocking your ability to just grab the meat you need. They can stay this way for hours, completely unaware that you need to grab something.

17. The Sandwich Dipshit – The old person who has never ordered a sub in their life. “What toppings do you want?” “Heh?!” “What toppings, sir?” “Veggie-tables!” “Which ones, sir?” “Heh?! Are you fucking deaf, lady?!”

18. The Door Troll – Whether you want to enter or exit, there they are – just standing there like a troll demanding payment to pass.

19. The Enquirer Enquirer – The old lady who is so caught up in reading the gossip magazines in the checkout lane that she is holding up everyone else behind her. She never buys a magazine but she makes sure to read it cover-to-cover while your pint of ice cream is melting on the floor.

20. The Pharmacy Haggler – The old guy screaming at the pharmacist about how his pills now cost 50 cents more per bottle when he has paid the same price for ten years. He goes on a twenty minute tirade about how the store is taking advantage of him and how he will never shop there again.

21. The Red Box Bully – The person confused by how Red Box works, even though they use it twice a week. They can spend hours stabbing at the same icon on the home screen with their finger or beating on the machine like an aggressive hobo.

22. The Stop and Chatterers – The two old ladies that stop in the middle of a busy aisle to chatter about how well Brian is doing in college and how much they like their new Lexus when at first, they didn’t feel comfortable driving it. It doesn’t matter that there are about twenty people trying to navigate around them.

23. The Anti-Sushi War Hero – The old warrior perplexed about how they sell sushi in grocery stores in America when we kicked Japan’s ass in ’45.

24. The Gum Returner – This is the temperamental penny-pincher that is trying to return gum or other mundane cheap items and holding up the service counter after spending two dollars in gas to get 35 cents back on stale Trident.

25. The Bank Card Chip Halfwits – This is the newest breed of old people to traverse through in the store. They’ve already learned how to do this multiple times now but are still confused at how the new card machines have to read the chip in their new bank cards. Don’t pull out!

Retro Relapse: 20 Things Porn Stars Do That I’ve Never Had the Urge to Do

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

People have sex. Some people are uncomfortable talking about it. I’m not sure why, maybe the Jesus is strong in some people.

For me, it is a pretty comfortable subject. I’ve never seen the big deal. It’s just fucking sex. If you aren’t doing it, you want to do it. It is human nature to get off. For sanity’s sake, we need to get off. The more, the better.

Obviously, I maintain some decorum based off of my social audience but once the ball is rolling, it is rolling with the velocity of a pinball chugging Cuban coffee sweetened with cocaine.

Why is sex taboo? I don’t know. But it is probably the same reason Rick Santorum has held public office.

When it comes to sex, not much is off limits for me. But when I watch porn, there are often times where I say to myself, “What possesses them to do that?”

Well, this is a list of those acts. Some I don’t have a problem with if it’s your thing. Some of these I am vehemently opposed to. Regardless of where each item on this list fits on my scale of acceptability, these are things I’ve never had the primal urge to engage in.

1. Hocking a loogie on a vagina.

2. Making out with someone post-beejer, just no.

3. Sex in a moving vehicle. Tried it once, just about snapped my shaft in half on a hard turn.

4. Drinking breast milk.

5. Being the dude in a gang bang that isn’t first. Definitely not being the guy that is 412th.

6. Food involved in sex. Cool-Whip off of a titty doesn’t enhance the titty.. or the Cool-Whip.

7. Glory holes. Wait.. are those whiskers?

8. I shouldn’t have to list anything involving animals but just to be safe, no fucking animals.

9. Golden showers.

10. Creampies.

11. Eye-licking.

12. Anything on or around a toilet. Not to say I haven’t. But never again.

13. Bukake.

14. Anything involving menstruation.

15.  Beejers through a hole cut out of a pizza.

16. Tentacles.

17. Anything involving vomit.

18. Anything involving something going into my urethra.

19. Feet.

20. Anything involving poop.

Ranking Every Episode of the Marvel/Sunbow Era of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero

I once ranked every episode of Batman: The Animated Series. So I figured that I would rank every single episode of the Marvel/Sunbow era of G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, as I just re-watched it in its entirety.

In this list I am including just the first two seasons of G.I. Joe and the miniseries put out by Marvel/Sunbow, as the show changed drastically and severely dipped in quality when DiC took over as the new production house for seasons three and four.

I will list these by episode name with the season number and episode number for reference. If a story is a multi-part episode, I list it as one body of work.

If you disagree or are puzzled with my picks, feel free to discuss in the comments.

1. “There’s No Place Like Springfield” (Season 1, Episodes 54-55)
2. “The Pyramid of Darkness” (Season 1, Episodes 1-5)
3. “Skeletons In the Closet” (Season 1, Episode 53)
4. “Sins of Our Fathers” (Season 2, Episode 28)
5. “The Gods Below” (Season 1, Episode 41)
6. “The Viper is Coming” (Season 1, Episode 29)
7. “Worlds Without End” (Season 1, Episodes 36-37)
8. “The Revenge of Cobra (miniseries)” (1984 – 5 parts)
9. “Flint’s Vacation” (Season 1, Episode 43)
10. “Excalibur” (Season 1, Episode 35)
11. “The Great Alaskan Land Rush” (Season 1, Episode 52)
12. “The Synthoid Conspiracy” (Season 1, Episodes 16-17)
13. “The Gamesmaster” (Season 1, Episode 26)
14. “Nightmare Assault” (Season 2, Episode 24)
15. “Pit of Vipers” (Season 1, Episode 48)
16. “Hearts and Cannons” (Season 1, Episode 44)
17. “Cold Slither” (Season 1, Episode 51)
18. “Computer Complications” (Season 2, Episode 7)
19. “Arise, Serpentor, Arise!” (Season 2, Episodes 1-5)
20. “The Traitor” (Season 1, Episodes 46-47)
21. “Not a Ghost of a Chance” (Season 2, Episode 27)
22. “Memories of Mara” (Season 1, Episode 45)
23. “An Eye for an Eye” (Season 1, Episode 40)
24. “Joe’s Night Out” (Season 2, Episode 26)
25. “A Real American Hero (miniseries)” (1983 – 5 parts)
26. “The Most Dangerous Thing in the World” (Season 2, Episode 23)
27. “Haul Down the Heavens” (Season 1, Episode 15)
28. “Cobra Soundwaves” (Season 1, Episode 24)
29. “Iceberg Goes South” (Season 2, Episode 15)
30. “Jungle Trap” (Season 1, Episode 10)
31. “Ninja Holiday” (Season 2, Episode 21)
32. “Red Rocket’s Glare” (Season 1, Episode 7)
33. “Cobra Quake” (Season 1, Episode 31)
34. “The Invaders” (Season 1, Episode 50)
35. “The Funhouse” (Season 1, Episode 12)
36. “In the Presence of Mine Enemies” (Season 2, Episode 29)
37. “Battle for the Train of Gold” (Season 1, Episode 23)
38. “Last Hour to Doomsday” (Season 2, Episode 6)
39. “Where the Reptiles Roam” (Season 1, Episode 25)
40. “Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep” (Season 2, Episode 30)
41. “Sink the Montana” (Season 2, Episode 8)
42. “Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent” (Season 1, Episode 34)
43. “Primordial Plot” (Season 1, Episode 42)
44. “Second Hand Emotions” (Season 2, Episode 25)
45. “Lasers in the Night” (Season 1, Episode 27)
46. “Once Upon a Joe” (Season 2, Episode 10)
47. “Cobra’s Creatures” (Season 1, Episode 11)
48. “G.I. Joe and the Golden Fleece” (Season 2, Episode 22)
49. “Countdown for Zartan” (Season 1, Episode 6)
50. “The Wrong Stuff” (Season 1, Episode 49)
51. “Lights! Camera! Cobra!” (Season 1, Episode 19)
52. “Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town” (Season 1, Episode 39)
53. “Captives of Cobra” (Season 1, Episodes 32-33)
54. “Raise the Flagg!” (Season 2, Episode 20)
55. “The Germ” (Season 1, Episode 28)
56. “Spell of the Siren” (Season 1, Episode 30)
57. “Twenty Questions” (Season 1, Episode 13)
58. “The Phantom Brigade” (Season 1, Episode 18)
59. “Operation: Mind Menace” (Season 1, Episode 22)
60. “Cobrathon” (Season 2, Episode 12)
61. “My Favorite Things” (Season 2, Episode 19)
62. “Eau de Cobra” (Season 1, Episode 38)
63. “Let’s Play Soldier” (Season 2, Episode 9)
64. “Money to Burn” (Season 1, Episode 21)
65. “Cobra Stops the World” (Season 1, Episode 9)
66. “Glamour Girls” (Season 2, Episode 14)
67. “The Spy Who Rooked Me” (Season 2, Episode 16)
68. “My Brother’s Keeper” (Season 2, Episode 18)
69. “The Rotten Egg” (Season 2, Episode 13)
70. “Grey Hairs and Growing Pains” (Season 2, Episode 17)
71. “The Million Dollar Medic” (Season 2, Episode 11)
72. “Cobra’s Candidate” (Season 1, Episode 20)
73. “Satellite Down” (Season 1, Episode 8)
74. “The Greenhouse Effect” (Season 1, Episode 14)

Retro Relapse: Top 50 DC and Marvel Character Clones

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Over at io9, they have been discussing which DC Comics and Marvel characters are virtually just different versions of themselves. Being that this is something I’ve debated with friends since the late ’80s, I figured I’d rank my favorites.

1. Captain Marvel/Captain Marvel
2. Bruce Wayne/Tony Stark
3. Batman/Moon Knight
4. Darkseid/Thanos
5. Deathstroke/Deadpool
6. Superman/Sentry
7. Lex Luthor/The Kingpin
8. Aquaman/Namor the Sub-Mariner
9. The Flash/Quicksilver
10. Green Lantern/Nova
11. Green Arrow/Hawkeye
12. Catwoman/Black Cat
13. Hawkman/Angel (or Archangel)
14. Black Canary/Black Widow
15. Dr. Fate/Dr. Strange
16. Swamp Thing/Man-Thing
17. Winter Solider (Bucky Barnes)/Red Hood (Jason Todd a.k.a. Robin II)
18. Doom Patrol/X-Men
19. The Atom/Ant-Man
20. The Shi’ar Imperial Guard/Legion of Super-Heroes
21. Red Tornado/Vision
22. Nightwing/Daredevil
23. Wonder Woman/Thor
24. Clayface/Sandman
25. Cyborg/Deathlok
26. Perry White/J. Jonah Jameson
27. The Spectre/The Living Tribunal
28. Saturn Girl/Jean Grey
29. Cassandra Cain/X-23
30. The Vigilante/The Punisher
31. Batman Beyond/Spider-Man 2099
32. Ra’s Al Ghul/The Mandarin
33. Killer Croc/The Lizard
34. Deadshot/Bullseye
35. Plastic Man/Mr. Fantastic
36. Lady Shiva/Elektra
37. Bumblebee/The Wasp
38. Captain Boomerang/Boomerang
39. Solomon Grundy/Grey Hulk
40. Metallo/Ultron
41. Mr. Mxyzptlk/Impossible Man
42. Carny/Arcade
43. Martian Manhunter/Skrullian Skymaster
44. Lord Havok/Doctor Doom
45. Dreamslayer/Dormammu
46. John Constantine/Pete Wisdom
47. Suicide Squad/The Thunderbolts
48. Gorgon/Doctor Octopus
49. Scarecrow/Mr. Fear
50. Detective Chimp/Howard the Duck

Top 100 Classic Film-Noir Pictures of All-Time

Over the past month, I have celebrated Noirvember here at Cinespiria. While film-noir is a style that I have always enjoyed and many of the classics have been favorites of mine for decades, I have never delved as deep into it as I have over the past month. I have found new favorites and discovered classics that slipped under my radar. In some way, I wanted a big send off so I thought that a power ranking would be a good way to do that.

Granted, this is just my opinion and there are some things that others might question as being true noir. I have included some of those Val Lewton horror pictures because at their core, the ones listed are very much film-noir.

There are no movies after the 1950s listed because I wanted to make this exclusive to classic noir that came out during the two decade span of the style’s height in popularity. I have, however, included Frtiz Lang’s 1931 film M because even though it predates film-noir by a decade, after seeing it, I can’t not consider it noir.

Anyway, these are my top one hundred film-noir motion pictures of the classic era.

1. M
2. Gun Crazy
3. The Third Man
4. Sunset Boulevard
5. In A Lonely Place
6. He Walked by Night
7. Raw Deal
8. Double Indemnity
9. The Killing
10. Touch of Evil
11. The Maltese Falcon
12. The Big Heat
13. Criss Cross
14. The Stranger
15. Scarlet Street
16. The Asphalt Jungle
17. Laura
18. Cat People
19. The Big Sleep
20. The Window
21. Detour
22. Strangers On a Train
23. Sweet Smell of Success
24. Nightmare Alley
25. D.O.A.
26. Out of the Past
27. Side Street
28. White Heat
29. The Set-Up
30. The Prowler
31. Murder, My Sweet
32. Night and the City
33. The Lady From Shanghai
34. The Killers
35. Stranger On the Third Floor
36. Key Largo
37. Leave Her to Heaven
38. The Woman In the Window
39. Kansas City Confidential
40. Brute Force
41. Ace In the Hole
42. Dark Passage
43. The Strange Love of Martha Ivers
44. On Dangerous Ground
45. Notorious
46. The Big Clock
47. Mildred Pierce
48. Shadow of a Doubt
49. Possessed
50. Lured
51. Thieves’ Highway
52. Act of Violence
53. 711 Ocean Drive
54. Black Angel
55. The Naked City
56. Dead Reckoning
57. Kiss Me Deadly
58. Gilda
59. They Live by Night
60. The Seventh Victim
61. Champion
62. Moonrise
63. Lady In the Lake
64. Pickup On South Street
65. Rope
66. Phantom Lady
67. Odds Against Tomorrow
68. T-Men
69. Born to Kill
70. The Blue Dahlia
71. The Spiral Staircase
72. Crossfire
73. The Leopard Man
74. Scandal Sheet
75. Border Incident
76. Shield For Murder
77. Force of Evil
78. The Postman Always Rings Twice
79. Fallen Angel
80. Deadline at Dawn
81. Journey Into Fear
82. 99 River Street
83. The Big Combo
84. Framed
85. Shockproof
86. Smash-Up – The Story of a Woman
87. Where Danger Lives
88. Tension
89. The Breaking Point
90. They Won’t Believe Me
91. Tomorrow Is Another Day
92. The Blue Gardenia
93. Pushover
94. The Threat
95. City That Never Sleeps
96. This Gun For Hire
97. Pitfall
98. Fear In the Night
99. The Glass Key
100. The Brasher Doubloon

Retro Relapse: Ranking Every Episode of Batman: The Animated Series

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I recently reviewed Batman: The Animated Series. So I figured that I would rank every single episode of the series, as I just got done revisiting it and took a shit load of notes.

In this list I am including Batman: The Animated Series, The Adventures of Batman & Robin and The New Batman Adventures, as all three were really the same show with just some slight changes. Additionally, the creative teams on all of these variants of the show were comprised of the same primary people.

I will list these by episode name with the season number, episode number and the villain featured. Two-parters are ranked as one episode.

If you disagree or are puzzled with my picks, feel free to discuss in the comments.

1. “Heart of Ice” (Season 1, Episode 14 – Mr Freeze & Ferris Boyle)
2. “Mad As a Hatter” (Season 1, Episode 27 – The Mad Hatter)
3. “House & Garden” (Season 2, Episode 5 – Poison Ivy)
4. “Mad Love” (Season 3, Episode 21 – The Joker & Harley Quinn)
5. “Growing Pains” (Season 3, Episode 8 – Clayface)
6. “Sideshow” (Season 2, Episode 1 – Killer Croc)
7. “What Is Reality?” (Season 1, Episode 48 – The Riddler)
8. “Sins of the Father” (Season 3, Episode 2 – Two-Face)
9. “Never Fear” (Season 3, Episode 6 – The Scarecrow)
10. “Batgirl Returns” (Season 2, Episode 20 – Catwoman & Roland Daggett)
11. “Deep Freeze” (Season 2, Episode 19 – Mr. Freeze & Grant Walker)
12.  “Feat of Clay: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 20 & 21 – Clayface & Ronald Daggett)
13. “Heart of Steel: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 38 & 39 – H.A.R.D.A.C.)
14. “Birds of a Feather” (Season 1, Episode 47 – The Penguin)
15. “The Demon Within” (Season 3, Episode 18 – Klarion the Witch Boy)
16. “Cold Comfort” (Season 3, Episode 3 – Mr. Freeze)
17. “Two-Face: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 10 & 11 – Two-Face & Rupert Thorne)
18. “Beware the Gray Ghost” (Season 1, Episode 18 – The Mad Bomber)
19. “Old Wounds” (Season 3, Episode 17 – The Joker)
20. “On Leather Wings” (Season 1, Episode 1 – Man-Bat)
21. “Over the Edge” (Season 3, Episode 12 – The Scarecrow & Bane)
22. “Double Talk” (Season 3, Episode 4 – The Ventriloquist)
23. “Judgment Day” (Season 3, Episode 24 – The Judge, Two-Face, Killer Croc, The Riddler & The Penguin)
24. “If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Rich?” (Season 1, Episode 40 – The Riddler & Daniel Mockridge)
25. “Harlequinade” (Season 2, Episode 7 – The Joker & Harley Quinn)
26. “The Demon’s Quest: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 60 & 61 – Ra’s al Ghul)
27. “Beware the Creeper” (Season 3, Episode 23 – The Creeper, The Joker & Harley Quinn)
28. “Joker’s Favor” (Season 1, Episode 22 – The Joker & Harley Quinn)
29. “Robin’s Reckoning: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 32 & 33 – Tony Zucco)
30. “Avatar” (Season 2, Episode 4 – Ra’s al Ghul)
31. “Tyger, Tyger” (Season 1, Episode 42 – Emile Dorian)
32. “Harley and Ivy” (Season 1, Episode 56 – The Joker, Harley Quinn & Poison Ivy)
33. “Legends of the Dark Knight” (Season 3, Episode 19 – The Joker, the Mutants & Firefly)
34. “Torch Song” (Season 3, Episode 10 – Firefly)
35. “Read My Lips” (Season 1, Episode 64 – The Ventriloquist)
36. “Time Out of Joint” (Season 2, Episode 8 – The Clock King)
37. “Mean Seasons” (Season 3, Episode 13 – Calendar Girl)
38. “Harley’s Holiday” (Season 2, Episode 16 – Harley Quinn & Boxy Bennett)
39. “Shadow of the Bat: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 57 & 58 – Two-Face, Rupert Thorne & Gil Mason)
40. “The Last Laugh” (Season 1, Episode 4 – The Joker)
41. “Catwalk” (Season 2, Episode 9 – Catwoman & The Ventriloquist)
42. “Baby-Doll” (Season 2, Episode 11 – Baby-Doll)
43. “Vendetta” (Season 1, Episode 23 – Killer Croc)
44. “The Laughing Fish” (Season 1, Episode 34 – The Joker & Harley Quinn)
45. “Pretty Poison” (Season 1, Episode 5 – Poison Ivy)
46. “The Man Who Killed Batman” (Season 1, Episode 51 – The Joker, Harley Quinn & Rupert Thorne)
47. “Cult of the Cat” (Season 3, Episode 15 – Catwoman & Thomas Blake)
48. “The Worry Men” (Season 1, Episode 65 – The Mad Hatter)
49. “Joker’s Millions” (Season 3, Episode 7 – The Joker, Harley Quinn, The Penguin & Poison Ivy)
50. “Animal Act” (Season 3, Episode 16 – The Mad Hatter)
51. “Showdown” (Season 2, Episode 13 – Ra’s al Ghul)
52. “Almost Got ‘Im” (Season 1, Episode 46 – The Joker, Harley Quinn, Two-Face, Poison Ivy, Killer Croc and The Penguin)
53. “Terror In the Sky” (Season 1, Episode 45 – She-Bat)
54. “Trial” (Season 2, Episode 3 – The Joker, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, The Mad Hatter, Poison Ivy, The Riddler, The Scarecrow, Two-Face & The Ventriloquist)
55. “A Bullet for Bullock” (Season 2, Episode 2 – Vinnie the Shark)
56. “Love is a Croc” (Season 3, Episode 9 – Baby-Doll & Killer Croc)
57. “Riddler’s Reform” (Season 2, Episode 14 – The Riddler)
58. “His Silicon Soul” (Season 1, Episode 62 – H.A.R.D.A.C. & Duplicate Batman)
59. “Joker’s Wild” (Season 1, Episode 41 – The Joker & Cameron Kaiser)
60. “Mudslide” (Season 1, Episode 52 – Clayface)
61. “Be A Clown” (Season 1, Episode 9 – The Joker)
62. “Christmas With the Joker” (Season 1, Episode 2 – The Joker)
63. “Perchance to Dream” (Season 1, Episode 30 – The Mad Hatter)
64. “The Strange Secret of Bruce Wayne” (Season 1, Episode 37 – Hugo Strange, The Joker, Two-Face & The Penguin)
65. “The Mechanic” (Season 1, Episode 55 – The Penguin)
66. “Holiday Knights” (Season 3, Episode 1 – The Joker, Harley Quinn, Clayface and Poison Ivy)
67. “Dreams In Darkness” (Season 1, Episode 28 – The Scarecrow)
68. “The Clock King” (Season 1, Episode 25 – The Clock King)
69. “Blind As a Bat” (Season 1, Episode 59 – The Penguin)
70. “Bane” (Season 2, Episode 10 – Bane, Killer Croc & Rupert Thorne)
71. “Girls Night Out” (Season 3, Episode 20 – Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Livewire & The Penguin)
72. “Zatanna” (Season 1, Episode 54 – Montague Kane)
73. “I’ve Got My Batman in My Basement” (Season 1, Episode 13 – The Penguin)
74. “Fear of Victory” (Season 1, Episode 24 – The Scarecrow)
75. “See No Evil” (Season 1, Episode 17 – Lloyd Ventrix)
76. “Nothing to Fear” (Season 1, Episode 3 – The Scarecrow)
77. “Eternal Youth” (Season 1, Episode 29 – Poison Ivy)
78. “You Scratch My Back” (Season 3, Episode 5 – Catwoman)
79. “Off Balance” (Season 1, Episode 50 – Count Vertigo)
80. “Make ‘Em Laugh” (Season 2, Episode 18 – The Joker & The Mad Hatter)
81. The Ultimate Thrill” (Season 3, Episode 11 – The Penguin & Roxy Rocket)
82. “Appointment In Crime Alley” (Season 1, Episode 26 – Roland Daggett)
83. “Cat Scratch Fever” (Season 1, Episode 36 – Catwoman, Roland Daggett & Professor Milo)
84. “The Cape and the Cowl Conspiracy” (Season 1, Episode 31 – Josiah Wormwood)
85. “Lock-Up” (Season 2, Episode 17 – Lock-Up)
86. “Second Chance” (Season 2, Episode 15 – Two-Face, The Penguin & Rupert Thorne)
87. “Chemistry” (Season 3, Episode 22 – Poison Ivy)
88. “The Cat and the Claw: Parts 1 & 2” (Season 1, Episodes 15 & 16 – Catwoman & Red Claw)
89. “Night of the Ninja” (Season 1, Episode 35 – Kyodai Ken)
90. “I Am the Night” (Season 1, Episode 49 – The Jazzman)
91. “Moon of the Wolf” (Season 1, Episode 43 – Professor Milo & The Werewolf)
92. “Paging the Crime Doctor” (Season 1, Episode 53 – Rupert Thorne)
93. “It’s Never Too Late” (Season 1, Episode 12 – Rupert Thorne & Arnold Stromwell)
94. “The Terrible Trio” (Season 2, Episode 6 – The Terrible Trio)
95. “Day of the Samurai” (Season 1, Episode 44 – Kyodai Ken)
96. “The Lion and the Unicorn” (Season 2, Episode 12 – Red Claw)
97. “Prophecy of Doom” (Season 1, Episode 19 – Nostromos)
98. “P.O.V.” (Season 1, Episode 7 – A drug lord)
99. “Fire From Olympus” (Season 1, Episode 63 – Maxie Zeus)
100. “The Underdwellers” (Season 1, Episode 6 – Sewer King)
101. “Critters” (Season 3, Episode 14 – Farmer Brown)
102. “The Forgotten” (Season 1, Episode 8 – Boss Biggis)

Ranking All the Kaiju of the Toho Godzilla Universe

The Godzilla universe spans seven decades, four different Japanese eras and two American remakes. In that long history, he has fought many deadly foes and had several awesome allies. However, the franchise expands beyond that as well, as some monsters that had their own films have crossed over into Godzilla movies, comics and video games. Toho has created a massive kaiju universe over the years and even if there are different eras and continuities, in some way, all these monsters exist in the same general realm.

So I feel the need to quantify these awesome giant beasts with a list. Because I like making lists and who the hell doesn’t like reading lists. Sure, our opinions may differ but that’s what the comments area is for. So feel free to list your favorites and discuss the results.

Also, I included the MUTOs from the American film for comparison’s sake.

How am I ranking these? Well, it is a combination of who is the most powerful, bad ass and the coolest. And of course, number one should not be a surprise.

1. Godzilla
2. Mothra Leo
3. Destoroyah
4. Monster X (Keizer Ghidorah)
5. Mecha-King Ghidorah
6. Biollante
7. Cretaceous King Ghidorah
8. Shin Godzilla
9. Fire Rodan
10. Gigan (Millennium)
11. King Ghidorah
12. Dagahra
13. Mechagodzilla (Showa)
14. Desghidorah
15. King Caesar
16. Mechagodzilla/Kiryu (Millennium)
17. King Kong
18. Mothra
19. Zone Fighter
20. Godzilla Junior
21. Gigan (Showa)
22. Rodan
23. Anguirus
24. Jet Jaguar
25. Mechani-Kong
26. Hedorah
27. Space Godzilla
28. Mechagodzilla (Heisei)
29. Gargantuan Sanda
30. Battra
31. Orga
32. Varan
33. Gargantuan Gaira
34. Megaguirus
35. MUTO (female)
36. Frankenstein
37. Megalon
38. Dogora
39. Gezora
40. Baragon
41. M.O.G.U.E.R.A. (Heisei)
42. Ebirah
43. Titanosaurus
44. MUTO (male)
45. Gabara
46. Moguera (Showa)
47. Manda
48. Kumonga
49. Ganimes
50. Gorosaurus
51. Kamoebas
52. Maguma
53. Kamacuras
54. Meganulon
55. Giant Octopus
56. Giant Sea Serpent
57. Minya
58. Giant Condor
59. Zilla