Retro Relapse: 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.

I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!

Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!

1. Put a big fucking bear in a headlock and punch it in the face!

2. Take a nice hot bath in the La Brea Tar Pits then scoff at the rest of California!

3. Bench press an M1A1 Abrams tank… twice!

4. Throw a tomahawk, run passed it and catch it in your teeth!

5. Find the frozen remains of a woolly mammoth, grill the fucker and eat it like a steak – hair, tusks and all!

6. Wear a live king cobra as a belt!

7. Play football without helmets and pads on a minefield!

8. Go into the ocean, rip a sea urchin off of a rock with your bare hands and bite into it!

9. Firewalk in an active volcano – barefoot!

10. Drink a barrel of 100+ proof bourbon and chase it with a barrel of Scotch!

11. Dress like Teddy Roosevelt and wrestle a fucking moose into submission!

12. Power through a thousand pull-ups with a lit stick of dynamite as the bar!

13. Surf coast-to-coast across the Everglades on the back of an alligator!

14. Play Russian roulette with a Gatling gun!

15. Juggle multiple Smart cars! Fiat 500s if you’re feeling stronger!

16. Use an A-10 Thunderbolt II as a fucking hang glider!

17. Smoke a totem pole like a cigar!

18. Swim with piranhas and bite back until you’re the only living thing left in the water!

19. Take on ten Muay Thai boxers while handcuffed!

20. Drive cross country in a World War II motorcycle with a male lion in the sidecar!

21. Have a fencing duel using a live swordfish!

22. Tell Brock Lesnar that wrestling is fake!

23. Play chicken on a bicycle – against a rhino!

24. Build your own Thunderdome and invite Seal Team Six over for a rumble!

25. Videobomb an episode of Shark Week wearing a suit made of seal meat!

To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.

*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.

Top 30 Comic Series That Aren’t Marvel or DC

Marvel and DC have the comic book market pretty much on lockdown. They are the Coke and Pepsi of their industry and probably always will be. That being said, there are a ridiculous amount of great comic books out there that don’t fall under the Marvel and DC banner. This is a list of my thirty favorite comic books series put out by the smaller and more independent comic book publishers.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
2. Cerebus
3. Maus
4. Hellboy
5. Bone
6. The Walking Dead
7. Love & Rockets
8. The Fade Out
9. Star Wars (the Dark Horse era)
10. Madman
11. Spawn
12. Hawaiian Dick
13. Kill Or Be Killed
14. The Wicked Righteous
15. It Came Out On a Wednesday
16. Hack/Slash
17. Fatale
18. The Umbrella Academy
19. Red Sonja
20. Wolverton: Thief of Impossible Objects
21. Vampirella
22. Scud, the Disposable Assassin
23. Jawbreakers
24. The Maxx
25. Iron Sights
26. Feast Or Famine
27. Doctor Who (IDW era)
28. Tokyo Ghost
29. Cyberfrog
30. Black Hammer

Retro Relapse: Top 50 Slasher Films of All-Time

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

*2019 Notes: Years have passed since I wrote and compiled this list for a different website, so the order in my head has changed somewhat and there are probably other films I’d add. Maybe I’ll re-order it and expand it in the near future.

I love slasher films. As a kid, it was probably my favorite sub genre of film, with horror being my favorite genre overall.

Sure, my mum hated the fact that I watched horror movies and she wouldn’t rent them for me but she also knew that I was just going to watch them somehow, whether at a friends house after school or a cousin’s house over the weekend. It was cool then though, because parents weren’t total pussies and didn’t hover over our every move like these modern kids have to deal with. This is also why these modern kids are afraid of their own shadow. My generation was the last great generation because an R rating didn’t mean crap and it was never actually enforced at the theater or video rental store.

Moral of the story, we all turned out just fine.

I was lucky enough to grow up in the heyday of slasher films. I saw pretty much everything I had access to.

In my 35 years on this planet, these are the ones I consider the very best.

1. Black Christmas (1974)
2. Halloween (1978)
3. A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984)
4. Psycho (1960)
5. StageFright
6. Sleepaway Camp
7. Suspiria
8. Friday the 13th (1980)
9. The Burning
10. A Nightmare On Elm Street III: Dream Warriors
11. Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
12. American Psycho
13. Blood Rage
14. Alice, Sweet Alice
15. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2
16. Child’s Play
17. Twitch of the Death Nerve
18. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter
19. My Bloody Valentine (1981)
20. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
21. A Nightmare On Elm Street IV: The Dream Master
22. Halloween II (1981)
23. The Funhouse
24. The Hills Have Eyes (1977)
25. Deep Red
26. Peeping Tom
27. Maniac (1980)
28. Friday the 13th Part 2
29. The Initiation
30. The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1976)
31. Child’s Play 3
32. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare
33. The Prowler
34. Terror Train
35. Scream
36. Torso
37. Freddy vs. Jason
38. Silent Night, Deadly Night
39. House of 1,000 Corpses
40. Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers
41. Friday the 13th Part III
42. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge
43. Child’s Play 2
44. Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III
45. Jason X
46. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning
47. Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers
48. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
49. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
50. Hatchet

Retro Relapse: The 50 Manliest Men In Hollywood History

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

*2019 Notes: Years have passed since I wrote and compiled this list for a different website, so the order in my head has changed somewhat and there are probably other names I’d add. Maybe I’ll do a Top 100 list as a followup at some point. But for now, this appears as it did in 2015.

Hollywood pretty much sucks in general these days. It is a land of mostly shitty people, sissy bitch men and really atrocious films not catered to a masculine audience.

In the old days, there were a lot of manly men who graced the screen and gave dudes some bad ass motherfuckers to look up to. They were tough as nails, took no shit and would bitchslap any obstacle and look cool as fuck doing it.

Sure, we got cool guys like Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson and then there’s those dudes from “The Expendables” series. Ultimately though, the days of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen and Lee Van Cleef are pretty much gone. Eastwood is some old dude that directs more than he kicks on-screen ass but I still respect him. We just don’t have many masculine heroes anymore and unrealistic superheroes don’t count. Besides, Tony Stark may be funny but he’s generally a cock and more of a playboy than a man’s man.

Some modern actors are on this list but they pale in comparison to the men of yesteryear, which is why the older actors dominate here.

While compiling this, I got up to about 150 people I was considering but wanted to narrow it down to fifty. If your favorite is missing, know that they were probably considered.

So without further ado, here are the fifty manliest men in Hollywood history!

1. Clint Eastwood
2. John Wayne
3. Paul Newman
4. Steve McQueen
5. Robert Redford
6. Jack Nicholson
7. Charles Bronson
8. Charlton Heston
9. Bruce Lee
10. Humphrey Bogart
11. Lee Van Cleef
12. Robert Mitchum
13. Henry Fonda
14. Daniel Day-Lewis
15. Orson Welles
16. Gregory Peck
17. Marlon Brando
18. Morgan Freeman
19. James Earl Jones
20. Kirk Douglas
21. Sean Connery
22. James Cagney
23. Liam Neeson
24. Robert De Niro
25. Sylvester Stallone
26. Mel Gibson
27. Yul Brynner
29. Eli Wallach
30. Harrison Ford
31. Lee Marvin
32. James Coburn
33. Denzel Washington
34. Klaus Kinski
35. Daniel Craig
36. James Dean
37. Kurt Russell
38. Samuel Jackson
39. Arnold Schwarzenegger
40. Gary Cooper
41. Christopher Walken
42. Chuck Norris
43. George Clooney
44. Russell Crowe
45. Robert Vaughn
46. Richard Roundtree
47. Jack Palance
48. Al Pacino
49. Idris Elba
50. Bruce Willis

Talking Pulp’s Pull List – 4th Quarter, 2019

This is my personal pull list as it stands, right now. From month to month it changes, as I read a lot of limited series stuff but I figured that doing a quarterly update would be cool for my readers that keep up with current comics.

So this is what I have my local comic shop pull for me each month, most of which I will review every time I get to the end of a story arc.

I’ve broken them out by publisher and alphabetized the list to make it flow easier.

And if there’s anything you like that I’m not reading, tell me in the comments.

Marvel Comics:
-Absolute Carnage
-Age of Conan: Valeria
-Conan the Barbarian
-Dead Man Logan
-Doctor Doom
-Excalibur
-Fallen Angels
-Fantastic Four: Grand Design
-Ghost Rider
-Invaders
-King Thor
-Marauders
-New Mutants
-Punisher Soviet
-Savage Avengers
-The Savage Sword of Conan
-Venom
-Venom Island
-X-Force
-X-Men

DC Comics:
-Batman and the Outsiders
-Batman: Curse of the White Knight
-Batman Vs. Ra’s al Ghul
-Deathstroke
-Detective Comics
-Doomsday Clock
-Gotham City Monsters

Dynamite Entertainment:
-Red Sonja
-Vampirella
-Vampirella/Red Sonja
-Vengeance of Vampirella

Image Comics:
-Coffin Bound
-Spawn

IDW Publishing:
-G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder In Hell

Dark Horse:
-The Orville

Talking Pulp’s Pull List – 3rd Quarter, 2019

This is my personal pull list as it stands, right now. From month to month it changes, as I read a lot of limited series stuff but I figured that doing a quarterly update would be cool for my readers that keep up with current comics.

So this is what I have my local comic shop pull for me each month, most of which I will review every time I get to the end of a story arc.

I’ve broken them out by publisher and alphabetized the list to make it flow easier.

And if there’s anything you like that I’m not reading, tell me in the comments.

But, as you can see, my list keeps shrinking.

Marvel Comics:
-Absolute Carnage
-Conan the Barbarian
-Daredevil
-Dead Man Logan
-Guardians of the Galaxy
-The Immortal Hulk
-Savage Avengers
-The Savage Sword of Conan
-Silver Surfer Black
-Spider-Man: Life Story
-Symbiote Spider-Man
-Venom

DC Comics:
-Batman and the Outsiders
-Batman: Curse of the White Knight
-Deathstroke
-Detective Comics
-Doomsday Clock
-Justice League Odyssey

Dynamite Entertainment:
-Red Sonja
-Red Sonja: Birth of the She-Devil
-The Shape of Elvira
-Vampirella

Image Comics:
-Spawn

IDW Publishing:
-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder In Hell

Dark Horse:
-Stranger Things: Six

Ranking All the Movies Shown (Thus Far) on ‘The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs’

Joe Bob Briggs is one of the most important Americans that ever walked God’s green Earth. In fact, he’s probably the greatest Texan that ever lived and that’s a huge state with a lot of history.

So when I heard that Joe Bob was coming back with a new show, I was ecstatic. But if you’re a loyal reader of Talking Pulp (and its original form: Cinespiria) then you already know this.

But it’s already been about a year and Joe Bob, thanks to the wonderful people at Shudder, has provided us with three marathons and a full season of The Last Drive-In.

Also, I have to give a special shout out to Darcy the Mail Girl, who is super fucking cool to the fans and because of this, breaks Twitter every Friday night.

With all that being said, I wanted to rank all 39 films that have been featured on The Last Drive-In (thus far).

These 39 motion pictures are ranked based off of what they were rated in their reviews here on Talking Pulp.

So without further ado, roll that beautiful scream footage!

1. Phantasm (9 out of 10)
2. Hellraiser (9 out of 10)
3. The Changeling (9 out of 10)
4. The House of the Devil (8.75 out of 10)
5. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (8.25 out of 10)
6. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (8 out of 10)
7. Demons (8 out of 10)
8. Basket Case (8 out of 10)
9. ReAnimator (7.5 out of 10)
10. Society (7.25 out of 10)
11. Sleepaway Camp (7 out of 10)
12. The Stuff (7 out of 10)
13. Blood Rage (7 out of 10)
14. Pieces (7 out of 10)
15. Rabid (7 out of 10)
16. Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (6.75 out of 10)
17. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (6.5 out of 10)
18. The Prowler (6.5 out of 10)
19. Wolf Guy (6.25 out of 10)
20. Q: The Winged Serpent (6.25 out of 10)
21. WolfCop (6 out of 10)
22. Deathgasm (5.75 out of 10)
23. Sorority Babes In the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (5.75 out of 10)
24. Phantasm IV: Oblivion (5.5 out of 10)
25. Daughters of Darkness (5.5 out of 10)
26. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (5.5 out of 10)
27. Contamination (5.5 out of 10)
28. Street Trash (5.25 out of 10)
29. The Hills Have Eyes (5.25 out of 10)
30. Phantasm: Ravager (5 out of 10)
31. C.H.U.D. (5 out of 10)
32. Blood Harvest (4.75 out of 10)
33. The Legend of Boggy Creek (4.5 out of 10)
34. Dead or Alive (4.25 out of 10)
35. Castle Freak (4 out of 10)
36. Demon Wind (4 out of 10)
37. Tourist Trap (3 out of 10)
38. Blood Feast (3 out of 10)
39. Madman (2 out of 10)