Retro Relapse: 25 MORE Reasons Why the Great Sasuke is the Ultimate Badass

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

I once listed twenty-five reasons as to why the Great Sasuke is the ultimate badass. I wrote that originally in 2006 for my then popular MySpace blog. I also reposted it here, about a year ago.

The thing is, the Great Sasuke <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> is THE ultimate badass in the universe. While many Americans might not be familiar with him, that is probably for the best because believing in gods can lead to very bad things like Al Qaeda and Rick Santorum.

Anyway, one should never doubt the Great Sasuke’s greatness and therefore should not believe that he is just limited to the twenty-five badass things I listed long ago. The number of badass things he does is pretty much infinite. These are just twenty-five more random items out of his catalog of ultimate badassery.

1. While on one of his many Mexican wrestling tours, he ripped open a piñata with a simple hand gesture from across the room.

2. He once punched through a gorilla’s chest, holding its heart out of a hole in its back and then replaced it – no harm done – in a matter of milliseconds. That gorilla was King Kong.

3. At a party, he crushed every level in every Guitar Hero game with nothing more than a spatula.

4. He often times water skis on the back of dolphins without a boat.

5. The one time he got crabs, he politely asked them to jump into pots and he then fed a village.

6. Every loss in his career was done in an effort to build up the confidence and spirit of his opponents.

7. He once climbed Mount Everest for better cellphone reception.

8. Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” is actually about a wall adjacent to the front door in the foyer of Great Sasuke’s Tōhoku home.

9. As a boy, he dreamed of being a fisherman but his method of punching the water for fish killed the entire sea within a three-hundred and fifty mile radius. Most of the fish rotted before his friends and neighbors could eat them all. It took months for the ecosystem to recover.

10. He wrote the original screenplay for Dirty Dancing but cursed Jennifer Grey into obscurity due to her poor portrayal of Baby. He rewarded Patrick Swayze with the scripts to Road House and Point Break.

11. The women of the British Royal Family routinely try to woo Sasuke in an effort to get him into their bloodline.

12. Kaiju were once real but the Great Sasuke ate them all one afternoon when they interrupted his sunbathing.

13. He once rounded up and returned all the souls Aborigines lost to photographs.

14. Mosquitos turn into fireworks if they bite him.

15. He once entered a supermassive black hole because he thought it could literally turn him into spaghetti. He walked away hungry and disappointed.

16. Robert A. Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land was actually written as a science fiction retelling of Sasuke’s years in primary school after being raised in the wild by dragon spirits.

17. The Dos Equis guy collects Great Sasuke autographs.

18. Hitler mysteriously disappeared when the Great Sasuke used him as a water balloon.

19. The Great Sasuke shrugged before Atlas was born.

20. He invented swashbuckling but Hollywood has never made it as exciting.

21. He once tried to power a steam engine with one bead of sweat: it exploded.

22. One time he picked up and moved Thor’s hammer because it was jamming a door.

23. Sasuke once parted the Red Sea for Moses with his billowing laughter.

24. Gary Busey is an insane person because he once high-fived the Great Sasuke.

25. He used to mount and ride velociraptors like horses but found their temperament displeasing.

Retro Relapse: 25 Reasons Why the Great Sasuke is the Ultimate Badass

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2006.

I have decided to give you all 25 reasons why the Great Sasuke is such a badass! <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> Since Sasuke is my favorite Japanese wrestler of all-time, I figured it was time to give him his due. And yes, I do own an authentic Great Sasuke mask from Japan (as seen in my old RCP TV projects from circa 2000). He is more badass than that pussy Chuck Norris. Fuck Chuck Norris.

1. Sasuke once uppercutted an earthworm through the ground from a different hemisphere.

2. Sasuke once destroyed all members of G-Unit in a rap battle with his mouth full of peanut butter and breadsticks.

3. Exclusive to Japan, Great Sasuke action figures were actually created by Sasuke himself, when he used a razor to cut off small chunks from his body. The chunks instantly grew into fully animated miniature Sasukes. They were sedated and packaged in time for Christmas.

4. Sasuke once choked out Rickson Gracie just by staring at him for 2 seconds.

5. Sasuke’s intense snoring is the cause of El Nino, the tsunami that took out India, the rapidly increased hurricane and tornado activity as well as breaking the Curse of the Bambino by resurrecting Babe Ruth just to bitchslap him back to Hell.

6. Sasuke was crowned the King of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula without ever setting foot in the state.

7. Sasuke wears a mask to protect mankind. If they were to see his face, they would then have the answers to all.

8. Sasuke gave David Lynch the idea for Twin Peaks and it’s entire complex plot with a simple napkin drawing.

9. Sasuke conquered four solar systems while he had a slight headache and a urinary tract infection.

10. Sasuke has handwritten every fortune cookie ever distributed.

11. Sasuke once held every single light heavy weight title in his sport (*see photo at top), as well as every title within the 36 known dimensions.

12. While wrestling briefly with ECW in 1997, Sasuke beat the entire locker room in a street fight gauntlet match in less than 8 seconds.

13. Sasuke can travel through the space-time continuum and inter-dimensionally at will.

14. Sasuke is responsible for writing David Bowie’s entire music catalog in less than 6 minutes, when he was 4 years old. It is said that Bowie still has enough songs left for another 13 albums.

15. As a token of gratitude, God allows Sasuke to periodically go into Heaven to beat down angels that don’t pull their weight. God offered Sasuke wings, but he declined as he can fly through the sky by sheer will.

16. Sasuke once ate an orphanage and all its occupants because a kid inside made a horrible finger-painted portrait of Sasuke.

17. Sasuke regularly has sex with Centaurs, which kills them… brutally.

18. On April 3rd 2002, Sasuke roundhouse kicked a tour bus in Osaka. It ended up in Nova Scotia 4 days earlier on March 30th 2002, where the tourists remains were collected and poured into large bags. Sasuke then drank them all on April 2nd, 2002 – a day before the infamous roundhouse kick even occurred.

19. Criss Angel has dope magical powers because Sasuke hugged him at a wrestling show in 1991.

20. Sasuke’s sperm is the key ingredient in the atom bomb. The atom is just a cover up.

21. Sasuke has been known to piss Chinese stars in combat.

22. Sasuke can stop multiple bullets with a single palm strike.

23. Once, while fighting in a juniors tournament in Japan, Sasuke snapped his fingers and all 7 of his competitors dropped dead. It was later attributed to overexposure to radiation.

24. Sasuke wrote such classics as Catcher in the Rye, Into the Sun, Dracula, Lord of the Rings, the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, the Iliad, the Bible, Hound of the Baskervilles, To Kill a Mockingbird, the original Star Wars novelization, House of Seven Gables, The Crow comics, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, most Hallmark greeting cards, Edgar Allan Poe’s entire catalog and The Da Vinci Code. He then went back in time and hid these works throughout the world for others to find and take credit for.

25. Since Noah couldn’t even carve a dreidel, Sasuke actually built and then swam with Noah’s Ark on his back for 40 days. He then threw it into a mountainside because Noah was a whiner.

Talking Pulp Update (3/23/2020): Things Should Flow Fairly Normally, Here

I wrote about the situation in the world last week, see here.

But I also wanted to give an update about Talking Pulp, itself, during this pandemic craziness.

As far as content goes, I’ve written and scheduled posts for more than three weeks out. They will be posted at the current rate that I’ve been putting stuff out since the start of 2020.

Additionally, I currently still have to work at the real job but my free time is going to be spent indoors, more so than normal. Because of this, I may actually be able to produce more content, as I’ll have nothing to do but sit on my ass while the world tries to sort itself out beyond my barbarian cave.

I have bought a couple video games that I’ve wanted to play for awhile but having the time to play through lengthy modern games hasn’t been a luxury, as of late. Well, that’s changed. Now it looks like I’ll be able to catch up on that stuff.

Granted, I may just re-immerse myself in Conan: Exiles for a month again, as I could live and build in that game for months on end without interruption (other than hunger and sex).

So I don’t expect much to change with Talking Pulp. I may even spend time writing more than normal, as there are some article ideas I wanted to tackle but haven’t had the time to do so.

If anything changes, I’ll post another site update.

In the meantime, stay safe, don’t be an asshole and help humanity get through this quicker, instead of being a selfish dipshit that kills Boomers because of YOLO. I’m specifically talking to you Millennials that think you’re invincible yet don’t have the armor to protect yourselves from minor jabs or light criticism.

Talking Pulp: A Few Words While Dealing With the “Mexican Lager Viral Event”

This coronavirus insanity has made the world go bonkers. I think people are just scared and allowing the media and others to work them up into a panic that makes them hoard strange things like toilet paper and garlic.

In the meantime, I’m trying to keep my head up, maintain as positive of an attitude as I can while trying to weed out the bullshit, hysteria and conspiracy theories, in an effort to digest just the facts and maintain a rational mindset.

Since I know that I get a lot more readers here than I have followers on Twitter, I thought that I’d share something that I said on that social media platform a few days ago:

As someone who’s lived thru multiple bad hurricanes, it’s important to see how these things bring us together, as opposed to fixating on the a-holes that turn to fear, panic & general douchery. There are more good people than bad, even though sometimes it doesn’t look that way.

I wanted to expand on that, though, as Twitter limits the size of your tweets and you can’t always jot down your complete thoughts in better detail or context with just 280 characters. Granted, most people these days can’t seem to process information larger than a sensationalist clickbait headline but I digress.

So, here we all are, at an interesting time in human history. It’s the start of a new decade, mainstream culture has gotten really weird the last few years and frankly, people nowadays bitch about absolute nonsense and are always looking to get offended because they’re seeking out conflict where there is none.

An intelligent, rational person would probably think that we no longer have any real problems because the ones that people seem to get so worked up about don’t remotely compare to the gravity of a World War, the Holocaust, the Cold War, the Great Depression, Vietnam, civil rights, the Civil War or a plague. Now people get hella pissed because the President tweeted out something rude and crass. Granted, I don’t think Twitter really benefits the guy but whatever, I’m not going to diarrhea all over the Internet about it.

My point is, what’s happening in the world, right now, could be the biggest thing that’s happened in a generation. I’m not discounting 9/11 but this COVID-19 pandemic has already directly affected a lot more people and it doesn’t look like it plans on slowing down, as the world’s greatest minds are doing what they can to try and limit the damage it is going to cause.

Many people think that the governments are overreacting and maybe they are but ultimately, this is a more serious problem than what many are seeing it as. The reason why it is this big of an issue is our lack of preparedness. The writing has been on the wall for quite some time and this virus could have been more effectively countered at a much earlier stage.

More than anything, I hope this is a lesson and that those who have the ability and the power to do something about this, will be much more vigilant in the future. The spread of viruses needs to be more of a priority and I’m speaking as someone that doesn’t like big government and is pretty laissez-faire. But if I’m paying taxes, which I always will, I’d rather it go towards science, medicine and technological advances that can enrich the future and make it safer.

Most of us are good people. Most of us want the best for not just ourselves but also our neighbors. We live in a world where technology has made us closer and our communities aren’t just our local neighborhoods. Collectively, we should be working to survive and thrive. It’s in all of our best interest to make sure that the world is healthy on all levels.

Yes, there will always be shitty, terrible people. But we can’t let those few speak and act for the rest of us. They aren’t us and I think that many people lose sight of that when they turn on the news and see spring breaking Millennials being self-absorbed dipshits or normal people, full of fear, fist fighting over toilet paper and snack cakes. These people aren’t the majority but it is really easy for the majority to get pulled into this destructive, paranoid orbit and become what they fear.

I know it’s become a cliche statement but everyone should be the change that they want to see in the world. Be better, be positive, try not to lose your cool in times like this and know that, most likely, most of us will get through this.

We’ve had a pretty easy existence for a long time but once in a while, shit hits the fan. This is shit hitting the fan. But how we handle it is up to us. You control how you respond to the shit that the world throws at you.

In the end, this will be much easier to get through if more people have each other’s backs and we all try to help where we can. The media just exists to make money off of our fear, paranoia and insecurity, so it is in their nature to try and generate more, especially in times like these.

Learn how to read through the bullshit. Know the facts. Don’t take every rumor or clickbait headline you read as a stone cold truth. But also, be vigilant in your own life when it comes to the safety of yourself and your loved ones.

Honestly, I feel like everything I’m saying here, should be common sense. But when my social media and news feeds are full of 95 percent negativity, I thought that I’d have to put something positive out there.

People keep talking about flattening the curve, well… we also need to flatten the fear, paranoia and negativity. We need to be rational, logical and willing to build the world up instead of tearing it down.

Lets treat this threat as a reminder that we need to look beyond petty differences and actually see the good in other people, regardless of politics, religion or whatever other bullshit that divides us.

Human beings have been wired to seek out conflict; it’s in our nature. But we can also evolve beyond that and try to be something better. It’s on us whether or not we destroy ourselves or reach a higher purpose.

I don’t want to lose faith in humanity, as I see good, kind acts every day. So maybe it’s time that we all start making a real effort to push the needle in the other direction.

Retro Relapse: 50 Things You Shouldn’t Have In Your House Because You’re a Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

A man is what most males should evolve into, as they grow and experience life and get out there and learn how to be self-sufficient, self-reliant people and masters of their own domain.

I’ve written on the topic quite extensively and different people have a lot of different ideas on what a man is. I’m not going to argue or debate that here. I’m just going to list some things that you probably shouldn’t have in your domicile if you are a full grown badass grizzly motherfucker.

Plus, this list will help you get laid more.

So what should you not have in your house? Well, this is a start.

1. Clutter, filth, dirt, grime and shit everywhere. Clean up after yourself.
2. Tin foil, posters or something other than curtains or blinds covering your windows.
3. Nothing in the pantry other than ramen and hot sauce.
4. Sheets covered in Rugrats characters.
5. Video game chairs, inflatable furniture or beanbags.
6. A proud collection of empty liquor bottles or beer boxes.
7. Anything Pokémon.
8. Christmas lights as year-round mood lighting.
9. Bongs all over the place.
10. A pile of dirty dishes that are growing new lifeforms.
11. Blacklight posters.
12. Shelves built from materials stolen from a construction site.
13. A toilet with a messed up flush pump. It is literally the easiest thing to replace in your house. And dirt cheap.
14. Stacks of magazines that haven’t been touched in years.
15. Posters or art that doesn’t have any sort of unifying theme. And posters that aren’t framed. A cheap decent frame is a few bucks at Wal-Mart.
16. Bunk beds. Seriously, I have a 32 year-old friend who has a bunk bed.
17. Duct taped furniture.
18. An overflowing garbage can.
19. CD towers. What year is this?
20. Cords strung throughout the house.
21. Stolen street signs.
22. A comforter on the floor or an inflatable mattress as a bed.
23. A shrine to an athlete or to anyone, really. Unless it is Stan Mikita.
24. Comic books or sports cards not in protective sleeves and properly stored.
25. Strobe lights on all the time.
26. Outdoor mats or rugs as bath mats or area rugs.
27. Weapons on display that would break if you were to actually use them as weapons.
28. Pot leaf decor.
29. Trophies you won in middle school.
30. A bread box full of mail or magazines.
31. Shower curtains covered in Pixar characters.
32. Any merchandise with Che on it. Che didn’t like capitalism, right?
33. Half finished projects you have no intention of completing that take up half the room in your house.
34. DJ equipment on display in the corner, covered in three years of dust.
35. Recycling to-go containers as dinner plates.
36. A futon as your primary bed.
37. Lava lamps or anything comparable.
38. A pog collection.
39. A half used box of condoms on display.
40. Empty vases or ones filled with dead plant life.
41. Neon signs for shitty beer.
42. Porn magazines or DVDs out in the open in the common areas of the house.
43. Tofu or other soy products.
44. A library full of unopened books. We all know you aren’t an intellectual.
45. Swimsuit or porn calendars on the wall.
46. A Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, Easy Bake Oven or other child appliance on display.
47. Scented candles unless they smell like smoked moose carcass in a burning forest.
48. Sports jerseys displayed on the wall with a hanger.
49. An elliptical covered in clothes.
50. A wall of action figures still in their packages. Play with them shits!

Retro Relapse: Psycho Snooping Bitches

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Psycho snooping bitches are in abundance these days. I use the word “bitches” because I’m trying to be moderately polite and not use the more appropriate descriptive term “cunts”. Now there are more sane and trusting women out there but the number of distrustful psychos within their population is growing.

I’ve come across a few of these women in my days and none of the experiences were worth the headache and usually they came compounded with drama, bullshit and after the fact, they couldn’t get the hint and just fade away from my life. There are a lot of other negative character traits that come with these types of women and they are damned near impossible to bottle up. The quickest and easiest advice I can give is to ditch the psycho bitch. Living under fascism, even if a vagina is attached to it, is not living at all.

But let me delve into this shit a bit further.

There is something seriously wrong with a female that has the natural urge and feels she has the right to sneak behind you and check your emails, your social networking profiles and your text messages. Chances are that this girl sniffs your dirty underwear when you’re in the shower in an effort to find some minute scent that may allude to your infidelity. She sniffs all your clothes, goes through your pockets, probably finds nothing but is still a bitch when you get out of the shower because as far as she is concerned, she just hasn’t found the smoking gun yet.

This girl is also probably the type to watch every god-awful shit reality show featuring glamorous non-celebrities who fuck everything in sight and cheat on a different partner each episode, cycling through the entire cast. She can’t decipher what reality actually is and believes such entertainment to be a primer on life. In fact, if you hook up with a girl who obsesses over this bullshit, get the fuck out immediately. If her mind isn’t diseased yet, it will be.

Chances are that she doesn’t watch a lot of that shit but she is just unable to trust anyone because the love of her life ten years ago (i.e. the first dude she fucked in high school) banged her best friend at some drunken house party. She also probably suffers from the “all men are pigs” and the “all men are the same” mental disorder. Fellas, it is not your job to try and prove her wrong or to fix her. She has to fix herself. Again, just walk away.

A lot of these girls also go from relationship to relationship and can’t understand why they can’t find happiness and why decent guys won’t stick around. Those who usually do stick around longer are the type of dudes who are just as distrusting as her. A couple like that is impossible to be around in a social sense and I’ve known many couples like this and have had to walk away as a friend.

You see, in a relationship, trust is not just important, it is pretty fucking vital. If you can’t trust anyone, you need to get some professional help. Reason being, without trust, you will never be able to be happy. You will always be looking in every nook and cranny trying to find something to prove that your unfounded suspicions are true. In fact, you probably make up evidence in your own head or turn every little innocent thing into some bullshit scenario. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship like this? How can you live your life assuming that everyone is going to be a piece of shit that will fuck you over?

With a lot of these people, not just the girls now, some of this distrust probably stems from the fact that they themselves are shady and shitty people. This is another reason why you should get the fuck out and move on. Often times when people see faults in others, especially when there is no evidence of their existence, it is usually because they are projecting their own faults onto their partner. Intellectually, a lot of adults in this modern world are small children.

There is a decent amount of bullshit that I will accept (to a point) in a relationship, if I do actually care about the person. This however, is one of those things I have no tolerance for, especially knowing that I have never cheated on someone and wouldn’t. I have respect for those I am seeing and to those who want to rebut with “never say never”, you can fuck off. I’m an adult and in control of my own faculties. That is what being an adult is.

Luckily, while these females exist, they aren’t the majority.

Retro Relapse: Loose Lips Sink Relationships

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

These days, it seems that there are too many children in grown-up bodies. In fact, almost everyone I encounter except for a very small minority are these types of people. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of it from time to time but when it comes to respect for someone else, especially someone I care about or at least once cared about, I maintain that respect and a level of maturity with how I handle the situation.

When it comes to a large number of women I know, they don’t seem to understand the level of respect that they should maintain for other people, especially their own man.

Often times, some of my female friends feel the need to trash talk their man to me or to other friends of ours. I hear about how their man no longer has passion in bed, is a full-grown man child, doesn’t work enough, works too much, is too hung up on his mother, is too close to some random ex-girlfriend, is too irresponsible for his age, has a drinking problem, doesn’t pay enough attention to her, is bad with money, has no plan for the future, etc. etc. et-fucking-cetera.

I’m not saying that men don’t talk smack to their friends about their girlfriends at the peak of a drunken rampage but it is much rarer, in my experience, and it takes a hell of a lot more for a man to share shit like that than a woman. Plus, most men aren’t fixated on a bunch of trivial bullshit. Usually when a guy drops some shit like this, it is something pretty serious and he’s been holding on to it for a long time. Now if a male is as gossipy and talks shit about his significant other to the level of the woman described in the preceding paragraph, avoid him. In fact, I can’t fathom how he ever got out of the proverbial “friend zone” with a woman.

Maybe I am a nice guy, maybe I come off as trusting and maybe these women feel like they can confide in me. They can actually, because unlike them, I’m not going to broadcast their bullshit to everyone within earshot. I respect people. The thing is, my awesomeness doesn’t really factor in here, as these women will say these things to anyone sitting next to them, whether it is a close confidant or a complete stranger at the bar.

How would these women feel if roles were reversed? What if their man told every one of his friends and complete strangers in his travels that his woman was shit in bed, immature, irresponsible, a drunk, unable to handle money or any other negative trait? I can’t think of many, if any, women that would accept that. And frankly, the men shouldn’t accept their women doing the same thing to them. In the end, where’s the respect? People like this don’t deserve to be in a relationship because they aren’t mature enough to handle adult situations and to understand what respect is.

In a relationship, you are on a team. If you harbor any of these negative feelings to the point of feeling the need to broadcast them to the world and not to your significant other, you’ve got a serious problem. You should really reflect on why you have these feelings and what to do about it before just blurting out every character flaw that your boyfriend has. Then again, people are so quick to look for faults, which I talked about in The Failure of Modern Relationships. If you are quick to find faults, you’ve got a problem with yourself and not your significant other. Everyone has faults, no one is perfect but I don’t need to rehash what I already wrote in the relationships post I just mentioned.

Usually these gossipy girls are on the hunt for “a good man”. They can’t ever seem to find one, even though there are probably several within their social circle or in front of them on a daily basis. Being that I am a good man, I feel like I need to chime in here.

If I have a female friend that exhibits the behavior that I’ve been talking about here (i.e. she constantly talks shit about any and every guy she has been involved with), I want nothing to do with her from a romantic standpoint. Guys pick up on this game and if a girl has the penchant for talking shit about boyfriends and guys she dates, we want no part of her. We don’t want our perceived idiosyncrasies and imperfections broadcast to the world through that woman’s bullhorn.

The big problem for these girls, is that they stick out like a sore thumb because they can’t help themselves. It seems like gossiping about their lover is their nature and they don’t even seem to question it and why it is a horrible thing to do to someone you’re supposed to care about and how it paints you to be a complete fucking bitch drunk on your own self-importance.

Out of respect for a lot of the guys who are victimized by this, even if I don’t know them, I tell these women to stop talking about it. If I was that guy, I wouldn’t want my asshole girlfriend to be trash talking me publicly. And this goes both ways, as no woman should ever stand for it if her man does this to her.

Keep your arguments behind closed doors. The only time you should bring this stuff up, is if there is a real problem or some sort of actual physical or mental abuse going on. Then again, in that situation, you need to leave.

I don’t know, it just seems to me that many adults can’t handle adult relationships anymore and are still embracing high school drama and bullshit well into their thirties. It’s no wonder why marriages never last and more and more people find themselves single, divorced or disgruntled. Like with everything in love and life, change has to start with you.