Tapas Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Tapas. Even the word annoys me. It sounds like someone with a lisp trying to say “tap ass”. By the way, I do like to “tap ass”. So when someone says “tapas” it pisses me off more because of the confusion.

You see, the whole concept of tapas baffles me. Someone once told me and I think it is a common belief that the word “tapas” means “little bits”. Well, according to Wikipedia, that’s bullshit because it is a word derived from the verb “tapar”, which means “to cover”. Well, I don’t know what the shit it’s covering because I’m still hungry. And to refer to them as little bits, which technically they are, just proves that they aren’t a very manly food. To be straightforward, if someone were to ask me, “You hungry, you want some little bits?” I’d quickly and angrily respond with, “Fuck no, I want a big ass piece of red meat and a goddamned bucket of whiskey or three!”

Tapas has become a big trend in American dining over the last several years. It’s a trend that came over from Spain, a country that enchants me on their soccer and wine fields. However, they seem to have lost sight of being respectable in the culinary arts. I’ve always been a fan of Spanish cuisine but the tapas thing makes me question my once loyal allegiance to one of the tastiest of European regions.

I mean, how did the Spaniards come up with this? Did the Conquistadors of yore pillage a village of midgets somewhere and thus, stole their tiny cuisine? Was there some sort of subculture we don’t know about where people pretended they were mice and ate little bits of food? Did some royal cook get killed for not putting a casserole together properly and then the king found out that he actually enjoyed all the little ingredients by themselves?

Additionally, who wants to eat a bunch of small food that is already cut up for you? I told my mum to give me the knife at 4 years-old because even as a child, I didn’t need mommy cutting up my steak into tiny bits. I was more of a man at four than these tapas eating adults today! When I see adults eating tapas, I see drooling toddlers carefully picking away at their tiny dinners. They might as well serve this shit on plastic Bob the Builder plates.

Let’s call tapas what it is, appetizers. Tapas is the Spaniard version of mozzarella sticks, jalapeño poppers, Southwest egg rolls, sliders, mini quiches and whatever else tiny piece of food one would eat because they’re hungry right now and the steak takes longer to cook.

Now the way Spain handles tapas, doesn’t offend me. They have them in bars, which people frequent after work. They are there to nibble on and enjoy because in Spain, people don’t eat dinner till after 9 o’clock. You see, tapas isn’t a meal, it is just an appetizer to hold you over until your meal is in your face.

In America, we’ve got it all fucked up. There are all these tapas restaurants and all the snooty white girls and their lapdog boyfriends have to frequent these culinary pits and dine on tapas – for dinner! Bitch, if all you’re eating for dinner is appetizers, you’re a special kind of stupid. You might as well just go sit at Applebee’s and keep ordering Potato Twisters for fifteen straight courses.

But I get it, with tapas you can order multiple things and “try” the food. Well, that’s all fine and dandy but that’s why I go to fucking Costco and at least there, the shit’s free! Also at Costco, I can buy the big version if I like something. Because what if, while trying all this stuff, you find something that makes you go, “Okay, right there! That’s the one!” Well, what do you do then? It’s an American tapas restaurant, can you simply order a 12 oz. portion of the fried goose liver with Pamplona glaze on a dainty little Melba Toast? No, you can’t. You can probably order a bunch of it as tapas but then the overly tanned white waiter who is pretending he is from Barcelona will just look at you like a pretentious douche because how dare you challenge the ancient discipline of tapas etiquette! The point is, why are you “trying” all the food if you can’t even order a decent portion of it? If you find the one thing you like, too bad, you just get a bite and are stuck munching on some other crap you don’t want.

My boss had a big company dinner about a year ago and he took us to this big tapas place in Las Vegas. Everyone raved about it and all the people who went were so excited to dine on tapas. We got there, I ate a bite of twenty different things and then it was over. I was still hungry and was like, “All this little shit is fine and dandy but where’s my goddamned entrée?” Nope, no entrée. Just a bunch of appetizers and a big check. Luckily, I didn’t have to pay for it. After I left this place that my boss described as “awesome”, I ditched my co-workers and hit up Del Taco. Why? Because tapas did not inspire “awe” and I was fucking hungry.

That was just one of several experiences I have had with tapas and after giving it a try a half dozen times or more, I’m just not impressed. Tapas places in the U.S. that at least offer actual entrées in addition to their fancy appetizers are at least considerate and doing it the right way. If an establishment only sells tapas, they’re bourgeoisie assholes that get off on starving while honoring trendiness over practicality.

Spain must laugh at us because I am. I mean, wouldn’t we in America laugh if some other country had some trend going where they opened thousands of restaurants only to serve fried pickles, kettle chips, tempura green beans and artichoke dip? And wouldn’t it be somewhat insulting if they referred to it as the pinnacle of American cuisine?

At the end of the day, do what you want, it’s your life. However, if you are some tapas connoisseur that values eating like a mouse toddler over eating like a full grown human being, you’re brain is about as big as the morsel on your coffee saucer dinner plate.

Retro Relapse: Corned Beef Hash: A Swashbuckler’s Protein Shake

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Corned beef hash is pretty fucking awesome! Apart from waffles it is the swashbuckler’s breakfast of choice. I’d put country fried steak and eggs with a side of biscuits and gravy right up there with it too but corned beef hash is more beneficial simply because it is easier to prepare and more convenient to the swashbuckler on the go.

The best feature that corned beef hash has, is that you can get it in a can. Pop that bitch open with your blade and dig in! There is no need to cook it, although warm corned beef hash is quite superior to cold straight-from-the-can corned beef hash. The amazing thing about cans is that you can easily bring them with you. Corned beef hash in cans is like pirate rations or MREs for swashbucklers.

It is also a much better source of protein than waffles, simply because corned beef is meat. Waffles are not meat so they barely have any protein. If you didn’t know, protein is pretty fucking awesome! So who needs a fancy protein shake or an effeminate protein smoothie when you can guzzle a man sized can of corned beef hash and be on with your day?

Another benefit of canned corned beef hash is that it lasts forever! You can buy a can, leave it on a shelf for a few decades, pop it open and it is still fresh! Now that’s convenience! One time I nearly had my arm taken off by a Kraken but all the monster got was the unopened can of corned beef hash I was ready to devour. Well, a few years later, I hunted down and slayed the mighty Kraken and my can of corned beef hash was still inside it’s gut! I ripped that squidish fucker open with my dagger and reclaimed my can of gloriousness. It tasted just as good as it would’ve the day I originally planned to eat it. This shit has to be made of magic.

Now there are several styles of hash out there but there is only one corned beef hash. Okay, well it can be prepared many different ways but the best kind is the one that has the consistency of dog food. That may be a gross comparison to some but if you’re turned off by it that just means that you’re a pussy and you should go eat a fruit cocktail for breakfast and leave the manly food for the men.

I like mine slightly warm with a bit of crunchiness to it.

So if you want a breakfast of champions, kick your Wheaties in the ass and go grab a can of this awesome meat and potato filled treat.

Now here are a few variations I like when I have time.

The first is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits and then top it with sausage gravy. I call this the Bantamweight Champion.

The second is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top it with sausage gravy, 2 eggs and cheese. I call this one the Middleweight Champion.

The final version is to dump some corned beef hash over some biscuits over a country fried steak and then top that with 2 eggs, cheese, bacon, sausage patties, sausage links, grits and then sausage gravy. I call this the Super Heavyweight Champion.

And those are my three half assed recipes. Now go grab a can of hash and pillage something!

The Modern Sports Media Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Back in the day, I was an avid ESPN watcher. A morning before high school wasn’t complete without at least fifteen minutes of SportsCenter squeezed in. I also enjoyed the short-lived CNN SI, which was more straightforward with the sports news and less about entertainment.

The entertainment factor is probably why ESPN continued to dominate and CNN SI only made it a few years. Sure, CNN SI was fairly boring but it was about the news and not about cheap pops and a humor-driven shtick. Personally, I always loved ESPN’s format and style but somewhere along the line, it got distracted.

It isn’t just ESPN though, the largest sports shows, magazines and websites out there also got distracted. I’m not sure how it happened but over the last ten years or so, sports news became less about sports and more about gossip and bullshit. The modern sports media has become TMZ, the National Enquirer and Extra. ESPN has become E! for men.

I tune in because I want scores, highlights and stories about the sport. But I want it all and I don’t have a lot of time. What I get though, is two funny motherfuckers flying through highlights just so they can hurry and get to a ten minute segment about how Athlete A sent mean tweets to Athlete B. I shit you not, I forget which show I was watching but they once spent fifteen minutes discussing Tim Tebow being seen throwing a football into a garbage can. And don’t get me started on the scandals involving Tiger, Kobe or anyone else with a tricky dick. That’s all these ass clowns cared to talk about not just for weeks but for months. Hey assholes, there were games last night, I’d like a fucking recap, please! ESPN has become the Fox News or MSNBC of sports programming. It’s all opinion and bullshit from people who seemingly have about as much actual knowledge as a dog turd.

Now there are people on ESPN who know their shit but they are becoming few and far between and are generally overshadowed by the loudmouthed dickbags who have to shout and soak up all the airtime. Maybe I’ll make a list of the biggest dickbags on ESPN but that will be at a later date.

Moving past ESPN, we have the magazines and websites. Some of the leaders out there are Bleacher Report, SB Nation, DeadSpin, Sports Illustrated, NBC Sports, FanSided, Sporting News, Yahoo! Sports, Fox Sports and Rant Sports. There are many more but these seem to be the sites with the most traffic and biggest social media presence.

These magazines and websites take the whole TMZ aspect of sports media even further. I can’t tell you how many times per day I want to punch my monitor for displaying so much bullshit in my news feed. Let me list some recent headlines to paint a better picture:

“Joel Embiid’s pursuit of Kim Kardashian via Twitter hasn’t stopped now that he learned she’s married”
“Cardinals Fan Drops Beer On Fans Below”
“A Bride Whose Father Passed Away Walks Down the Aisle with Miami Hurricanes Mascot”
“Rob Ryan Carrying 3 Pizzas and a Stuffed Animal in Airport”
“Pouty Husband Sends Wife Spreadsheet Detailing Sex-Life Dissatisfaction”
“Derek Holland And The Rangers Play A Game Called “Fart Bottle Roulette””
“Tiger Woods is cursing, throwing clubs, and ready to leave the British Open”
“Finding the best 1980’s NFL quarterback based on rap lyrics”
“Zach McAllister Channels His Inner Carly Rae Jepsen on Extremely Wild Pitch”
“Joel Embiid Is Really Good At Twitter – Let’s Not Ruin This”
“Tour de France rider has diarrhea, uses fan’s roadside RV”
“Here’s a giant, inflatable colon outside a Triple A ballpark”
“What Are New York City’s Most Popular Dog Names?”
“Kentucky man gets arrested, orders 5 pizzas to police station”
“Dwyane Wade replaces LeBron James with this alley-ooping dolphin”

Jesus, some of those don’t even have anything to do with sports.

Anyway, this is the type of shit sports sites are promoting and putting out. Real sports news is secondary. Maybe it’s because no one really cares anymore about sports. Yes, they watch them and they buy the merchandise and go to games but people seem to be more into the celebrity aspect of sports. And if it isn’t that, they’re so focused on fantasy sports that they aren’t fans of the game in the same way they used to be. Also, with a lot more women becoming sports fans in the last few decades, some of this stuff has to cater to what they want. Since, tabloids and TMZ are generally absorbed by women, sports media jumps on that bandwagon.

Expanding their product to fit a larger demographic, many sports media outlets have become these gossipy bullshit beasts. I’m sorry but I want good sports journalism and coverage, not gossip and fashion posts. On television I want highlights and insight, not assholes screaming over one another about whether or not gays belong in sports – they do. I also don’t need a bunch of dickbags telling me that I don’t understand x, y and z because I’ve never been in a locker room and experienced that culture. Fuck you, I’ve been in a locker room and fuck you, your bullshit argument holds no weight. Frankly, I’m just tired of know-it-all motherfuckers who really don’t know shit. They get paid to waste my time and would be better suited hosting Entertainment Tonight. An epileptic cat that only understands French could give better analysis and insight than most of these clowns.

Men today seem to be eating this shit up. The pussification and emasculation of the American male has crossed over into the sports world and they don’t seem to notice. Yes, I have friends I’ve talked to who see these trends and, like me, have pretty much stopped watching this nonsense. The problem though, is that there aren’t alternatives, as this sports tabloid programming has now become the norm. We’re basically forced to watch it or nothing at all.

Man the fuck up, sports media.

Taking At Least a Week Off

I’m taking a week off.

I’ve got an insane amount of work at the real job, I’m way behind on writing content for this site and I need to catch up on some other real life things.

I probably won’t be on Twitter either, for those of you that may follow me there.

I also need to catch up on relaxation because I’m almost to the point of clinical exhaustion.

I may post a few comic book reviews next week, because I do have enough of those saved up in the queue.

And that’s about it.

Retro Relapse: Girls & Marilyn Monroe Quotes

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

One thing about social media, is that some person will post some asinine bullshit and then just about everyone else will repost and share that shit without really thinking about it. Something I’ve seen floating around the Internet a lot is this Marilyn Monroe quote:

..if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

Bitch, please.

If you are a dude crushing on a chick that posts this to her Facebook wall or her Twitter feed, you better move on. At its core it basically says, “Yeah, I’m going to be a total unreasonable bitch and if you don’t put up with my selfish crap, no pussy for you!”

How would these same chicks respond if some guy posted to his Facebook wall, “I’m a complete alpha bastard, selfish asshole and pretty much a man whore, if you can’t deal with it, find some weak punk bitch to knock you up.”

I’m sorry, honey. If you’re going to have that philosophy throughout your life, you’re going to be a lonely bitch. Sure, if you look good, you may attract a few potential suitors but ultimately, they’ll go away after being exposed to your bullshit and drama. You may also get a full-time lapdog but once the boy toy novelty wears off, what then?

I get it though, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. By trying to live vicariously through her ridiculous words you are imagining yourself to be glamorous and legendary but the fact of the matter is, you aren’t. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news but you’re simply typical. With every other girl out there posting this shit to their walls and feeds, it is neither unique, edgy or cool. It goes back to what I wrote about in The Princess Syndrome, if you are all doing the exact same thing, who is the princess? Which one of you is the unique flower in a field of grass? The short answer: none of you.

Also, posting this type of shit is a deterrent to men, at least ones with a brain in their head.

Here’s the thing, as I stated, Marilyn Monroe was glamorous and legendary. She was also a drug-addicted booze hound that fucked a married man, the president of the United States. She also wasn’t a stupendous actress. So really, why do women idolize this mess so much?

The answer to that has to do with the fact that beauty, glamour and fame are apparently more important than the content of someone’s character.

Marilyn Monroe was also a hypocrite with just about everything she said.

She would parade herself around as an independent woman that didn’t need a man. She bragged about making a life of her own, on her own, yet she was unfaithfully married several times. Her first marriage, was due to the fact that her foster parents could no longer support her. She also forced one of her husbands to impregnate her before he was shipped off to war. Additionally, she had an affair with actor Tony Curtis, who she starred with in Some Like It Hot. She got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage.

I’m not even going to cover her long string of adulterous behavior but if the Internet and personal video cameras existed in her day, I’m sure there would’ve been a leaked sex tape or several.

As far as body image, girls are always posting Marilyn quotes about being proud to be curvy and all that jazz. Marilyn Monroe was full of shit. At her absolute heaviest, Marilyn Monroe was 130 lbs. She was a small petite woman being 5′ 5″ and having a 22 inch waist. For her size, she had nice hips (I prefer bigger, actually) but by today’s unit of measurement, she would have been a size 0.

This brings me to something else, a quote that is credited to Marilyn Monroe but is complete bullshit:

To all the girls who think you’re ugly because you’re not a size 0, you’re the beautiful one. It’s society that’s ugly.

Yes, this is a positive quote but it is bullshit because Marilyn Monroe died in 1962. A size 0 wasn’t even a thing until 1966 when it was used to describe the hot new supermodel Twiggy. So how exactly did Marilyn say this when ghosts aren’t real and time machines don’t exist?

Girls who aren’t a size 0 constantly refer to Marilyn as a hero because she wasn’t a “rail” and had a “healthy” body unlike the supermodels of today. The truth is, Marilyn Monroe’s measurements were 35-22-35. The average model of today is 34-22-34. Yeah, Marilyn was totally a fuller woman. Have any of these girls who worship Marilyn on body image issues ever seen a picture of her? She was skinny as a rail, despite their belief.

The point to all this is, know who your heroes are. Don’t just mindlessly repost crap because it sounds empowering. Marilyn’s words aren’t empowering when you see them within the context of who she actually was and most of the time, her words were those of a self-obsessed maniac. Parading around like an egotistical bitch is a sure way to not have a happy and meaningful life. Besides that, Marilyn wasn’t a hero. She was a substance abusing mess that used her vagina as a tool for selfish pursuits and a source of continued fame. Yes, she was attractive but she was also a manipulator and a pretty immoral person with shit for character. She was her era’s Kim Kardashian but worse.

Shit, that just gave me a horrible thought. Are girls 50-60 years from now going to be filling up their social media profiles with Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton quotes? The horror.

Please, stop deifying assholes.

That Alpha Male Stuff Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2014.

Many men seem to subscribe to this bullshit ideal that there are alpha males among us. Many envision themselves as the alpha male and thus, adopt the traits and qualities that they think they’re supposed to exude as a pack leader. Many women buy into and perpetuate this myth, only uncrossing their legs for the alpha badass. I’m not sure how this myth has existed for so long amongst human beings but it has. In fact, I believed it until recently, only because I guess I never really questioned it and took the rhetoric for face value. I also never really put much thought into it until coming across several guys taking this shit to heart a little too much.

To start, the whole ideal that there are alpha males in wolf packs was old shitty science. In the last several decades, this has been debunked, as scientists have learned that this classification was incorrect. More studies in wolves and their behavior has led to the realization that wolf packs or families pretty much exist like human families: the male impregnates a female, the female has babies and mom and dad are the natural boss – each fulfilling specific pack roles. Internationally recognized wolf expert, Dr. David L. Mech, who wrote one of the most famous books on alpha wolves in 1970, even debunks the bad alpha male science (see here).

Even if new science didn’t debunk previous beliefs in animal behavior, why would people want to resort to what they claim is their animalistic tendencies? We are the rulers of the planet because we have evolved past being primal beasts biting each others’ faces off and taking whatever pretty polly we see fit for the taking. If you’re claiming to embrace your animal side, are you also going to live naked in caves and eat small woodland creatures you kill with your teeth? If you’re a hardcore fucking alpha male, embrace the whole thing! Don’t cherry pick like a beta bitch!

So why do so many guys embrace this and so many women buy into it?

It’s a marketing gimmick by that pick-up artist crowd to sell books and programs. Yes I kind of blasted those guys last week but I’m really not done. In regards to this alpha bullshit, they sell themselves as these alpha badasses to their “beta” audience in an effort to make money and sell a scam based on bad science and the dynamics of a totally different mammalian species. If they are alphas in that they prey on the weak, then they are correct. However, preying on the gullible and desperate isn’t badass, it’s kind of sad and it also pisses me off. The high school jock who backfists the handicapped kid for his lunch money isn’t an alpha anything, he’s just a douchebag asshole.

What happens here, is that men who are bad at attracting women or not successful in other areas, latch on to other guys who seem like they got their shit together. Pick-up artists selling their secret and mysterious formulas move in and the desperate dudes who need real advice and direction buy the shit up like hotcakes. In the end, most of them still never succeed. But enough with rehashing points from my last article on the subject of pick-up artists.

The thing is, they are buying bad advice from charlatans. The alpha male thing is bullshit in the wild and it is certainly bullshit in humans. Yes, there are guys who are better at certain skills than others but there’s a trade off there. I’m really good at graphic design and writing but I suck at carpentry. Does my cousin who is an awesome carpenter, have more alpha juice than me with his skill? Or do I have more alpha juice than him because I am a better graphic designer and writer? Picking up women is just another skill set. It doesn’t make you alpha anything or better than someone else.

Does bullying weaker dudes to do your bidding make you an alpha male? No, you’re just a bully and a dick. The guys getting bullied aren’t beta males either, they’re just victims if they put up with your shit. Frankly, they should punch you in the face. Perceiving them as betas is bullshit because there will certainly be some skill that they are more versed in than the self-proclaimed alpha bully.

Now one could be quantifying certain skills as alpha skills and others as not. That’s just semantics and asinine. If one were to make a list of multiple alpha skills, no one would be good at all of it. Additionally, none of us would all agree on what is an alpha skill and what isn’t, it’s all subjective. But lets say we can come up with a list that everyone agrees upon. Some guys will excel at certain things and fall short in others. All of our results would be different. Some would be good at macking on chicks, others would be good at weightlifting, some would be good at racing cars, others would be good at building nunchucks.

This alpha male crap only exists because too many men have fallen victim to the ideal. If you buy into this bullshit societal framework or hierarchy of masculinity, you are feeding the machine. You’re giving the dudes selling you on this shit, more fuel to be the alpha shitcocks that they are, as you bow to their words and lessons like the obedient beta bitch persona they’ve created for you. While trying to learn your way out of something that didn’t exist in the first place, you are only reinforcing its hold on you.

You may not be the best at getting chicks but you’re probably the best at something else. I get it though, you want the pussy but life isn’t fair. I’m not saying this to beat you down or to make you just give up the fight and the effort. I’m saying this because if you buy into this alpha male garbage, you need to hear it. There is no magic pill I have to fix your situation. There is no magic pill, period.

What you need to do, as hard as it may be, is to get out there and try. Talking to women is hard, I get it. However, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Rejection also sucks but it will happen, even to the greatest overly charismatic alpha male pick-up artists out there. It goes back to the old adage that you can’t make an omelet without breaking some eggs. Well, you have to break the eggs.

And maybe learn how to fight if you don’t know how. Because if someone wants to start some shit, you should stand up for yourself and kick their cock up into their throat.

Retro Relapse: The Story of Texas Toast

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2010.

Texas Toast is the greatest version of toast that mankind has ever invented. It was created by invading swashbucklers in the Texas territory who only had giant loaves of bread, butter and garlic at their disposal. These swashbucklers spent a lot of time munching on Texas Toast while fighting off Aztecs, Predators and American lawmen. It was their only form of sustenance in that region at that time. After swashbucklers virtually became extinct due to the industrial revolution and chronic allergies to oil, the Texans took credit and named the swashbucklers’ unnamed delicacy, Texas Toast.

Texas Toast is what helped the minimal Texan forces fight off the Aztecs at the Alamo. In fact, Texas Toast is the real reason behind the Battle of the Alamo. It is also what gave Texans big hairy balls and the gumption to wear massive hats and wrestle horses. Without Texas Toast, Texas may have been more like Oklahoma. Nobody wants more Oklahoma. Texas also got it’s massive size from the sole power of Texas Toast forcing the lines on the map to expand from it’s awesome force. This power has also been known to expel demons and poltergeists from Texas. Texan priests often use it to fight evil and it is given as the flesh of Christ in Texas churches.

Now Texas Toast is not just a local Texan treat. It can be enjoyed by people all over the world. Pepperidge Farm even makes a version that anyone can buy in a store for a pretty cheap price. Although quite fantastic, the Pepperidge Farm version isn’t anywhere near the iconic level of true Texas Toast.

Now Texas Toast is often served with dinner or even lunch, most of the time in BBQ restaurants. That’s great and all but I think that it also goes great with breakfast. Texas Toast dipped in the embryonic fluid of chickens, commonly referred to as egg yolk, is delicious! It goes awesomely with corned beef hash or as the bottom layer of eggs benedict. I love it with country fried steak too. Can you even imagine French Toast made with Texas Toast?! It’s awesome for breakfast sandwiches or any sandwiches for that matter. I wish subs were made with sub roll shaped pieces of Texas Toast. I may have to invent that but I encourage anyone reading this to beat me to it, as I have horrible follow through with fantastic ideas and inventions. Just make me one and we’ll call it even.

I don’t think I really need to keep selling you on the greatest form of toast in the world. If you haven’t had it, you have wasted your entire life up until now. You owe it to yourself to express your freedom and your awesomeness with a piece or twelve of Texas Toast, daily!