Filet Mignon Is Bullshit

*The Bullshit Series started on an older blog but I wanted to bring these articles back here, as I have new installments for the series that I want to release over time. The series focuses on things that I think are bullshit… like filet mignon, Zubaz pants, the Pro Bowl and diets.

*Written in 2013.

*Taken from my personal journal.

So filet mignon.. lord, this is long overdue but I mentioned about how I was going to discuss this cut of meat several weeks ago but still haven’t yet apart from a mouse maze I drew (see below) and a meatku (a.k.a. a “meat haiku”) where I lambasted it (also see below). Well, here goes.

Filet mignon is regarded by many, if not most, to be the supreme cut of beef that one can get. It is expensive, small and despite how much there actually is in a cow, it is perceived as rare.

Fuck all that! A beef tenderloin is pretty damn big and filet mignon is just cut up beef tenderloin. It is readily available in decent sized portions. People need to stop looking at it like it’s a magical unicorn ovary. But speaking of portions, a beef tenderloin is like the size of a young elephant’s trunk, so why just cut it into small filet mignon meat discs? Fuck you cowboys! Give me the whole goddamned tenderloin with a barrel of Peter Luger sex sauce and I’m good! 6 oz. cut? Are you out of your everliving fucking mind?

Now filet mignon gets its appeal because out of all cuts of beef, it has the least amount of fat. It is also tiny, which just means that it is the perfect red meat meal for wannabe high class white bitches to chew vehemently as they pound some piss colored swill they call sauvignon blanc, puffing on Capris, waiting for the fondue cart to roll by. This is a Weight Watchers steak and should be avoided if other cuts are available to you such as ribeyes, porterhouses, New York strips, t-bones, etc.

So while these white bitches gnaw on this cut, as they slice through it surgically – making tiny white girl morsels, I am reminded – by witnessing this – just how overrated and lame filet mignon really is. Anyone with any sort of knowledge about food should be aware of two very common sense things in regards to life. 1.) Fat = Flavor. 2.) Small portions are for tiny birds with fruity looking feather arrays. With that being said, filet mignon violates both of these crucial laws.

It severely lacks the flavor of the most superior cut: ribeye. Also, it is tinier than a squirrel’s penis. And on top of that, it is more expensive than any other cut. If you gravitate towards filet mignon, you need to understand that you are gullible and susceptible to other grand deceptions like religion, politics and NBC’s The Voice.

Filet mignon is bullshit. It’s a waste of your time, your money and a cow’s resources. Funny thing is, I recently read a blog on Thrillist where it asked what popular meat is most overrated and almost unanimously, the world’s best chefs stated “filet mignon”. Why? Because once again, filet mignon – as a concept, as an ideal, as a belief is complete and utter bullshit.

If some of you who read this still love filet, let me pose this question: if you have a pork tenderloin and cut a one inch thick circular bit out of the middle of it, do you call that pork mignon? No! Because it is pork fucking tenderloin! That’s why filet mignon is the worst lie ever sold!

P.S.: The word “mignon” is French, which should already raise masculinity’s eyebrow a bit. Also, “mignon” translates in English to “cute” and “dainty”. Man the fuck up, America! And yes women, you need to man the fuck up too!

A meatku I wrote about filet mignon:
Overrated bitch!
Slightly flavorless and dry.
No fat, white girl steak.

Quotes by world renown chefs on filet mignon (taken from Thrillist):

It’s one-dimensional. Give me a shoulder or a piece of chuck, and I’ll give you something that’s really rich in flavor.” – John Besh: James Beard Award winner behind August, The American Sector, LÜKE (NOLA) and so many more

It’s boring and has very little flavor.” – Tom Colicchio: Top Chef Judge, the man behind Craft, Craftsteak, Colicchio & Sons and more

There’s not much flavor and not a lot of fat. It was classic back in the day, and obviously it’s expensive, but it’s not a flavorful piece of meat to me. There’s a time and a place for it, but there are much better cuts.” – Josh Capon: NYCWFF Burger Bash Winner, Exec. Chef at Lure Fishbar, B&B Winepub and El Toro Blanco (NYC)

It’s trash. It is a non-working muscle, which makes it super-tender (because the cow doesn’t use it), but has no flavor and is only palatable when forced on a long airplane ride.” – Michael White: Exec. Chef of Marea, Ai Fiori, Osteria Morini, Nicoletta (NYC)

There is very little marbling and not a lot of fat, which means less flavor.” – Bill Telepan: Exec. Chef, Telepan (NYC)

Retro Relapse: The Great American Pussification

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015 but resurrected because people are still fake-offended snowflakes.

I use the word “pussification” because there is no better term. If you are offended, you are a victim of pussification. And frankly, you’re not really offended, you just think that you’re supposed to be.

But no, I am not calling pussies weak. I’ve encountered many that are very strong. Female pussies, I mean. Male pussies, are very weak. And it isn’t to say that I am calling women lesser than men, this is to say.. oh, you know what? Fuck it, I’m not explaining myself to a bunch of easily offended pussies. Just hit the back button now if you are already uncomfortable or take it to Twitter where you can bitch and moan behind the safety of blocking and only converse with other pussies that agree with you in an effort to get fantasy brownie points for a scoreboard that doesn’t exist.

Additionally, I don’t use the word “wussies” because that is how pussies say “pussies”.

The Great Pussification of America began a long time ago. It is a movement that has succeeded, as every generation since World War II has fallen victim to this bullshit epidemic. It keeps getting worse as the years go on. No, I am not talking about gay people or transgenders or any of that, if you want to be gay or change your sex, I don’t give a shit. In fact, those who deal with the assholes who come against them because they fear people different than themselves, you are a thousand times stronger and more courageous than the douchebags you have to constantly deal with. In fact, you are pillars of non-pussification. How about that, bible thumpers a.k.a. Jesus pussies?

This morning I read about an elementary school that banned a Wonder Woman lunchbox. This is the note they sent home to the parents:

Okay, this is the lunchbox that they found so offensive:

This is a prime example of the Pussification of America.

That actually seems like a pretty awesome lunchbox featuring a powerful hero for girls to look up to. Of course, the note says, “We have defined ‘violent characters’ as those who solve problems using violence. Super heroes certainly fall into that category.”

Uh, okay. Obviously, the school doesn’t know jack shit about most superheroes and they also have bad fucking grammar, as “superheroes” doesn’t have a space in it. This sounds like the worst group of educators ever and they also look like giant fucking pussies.

This is how the public school system, many parents and other adult groups of “evolved socially conscious” dickwads are. They’re pussies coddling children to the point that kids can’t develop the necessary skills and life experience needed to face adversity and challenges head on. A generation, actually, several generations of these kids are growing and entering the world as adults – adults who cannot function like adults.

Another huge example of pussification is participation trophies.

Kudos to the Pittsburgh Steelers’ James Harrison who threw his kid’s participation trophies in the garbage. Why? Because his kid didn’t earn them. They were given to him just for participating.

What kind of liberal bullshit helicopter parent coddling parade is this? What is the point of striving to be the best if you get a prize regardless? But these fuckwits don’t want anyone to be the best, they want everyone to be in the bottom of the soft, cuddly, safe septic tank, knee deep in their bullshit.

When I grew up, I didn’t get trophies for participating. I got them for winning (or coming in second or third). I didn’t cry that I didn’t get a trophy if I wasn’t the best. In fact, I never expected to be the best at everything. I knew that I had to win to get the prize and if I wanted the prize, I had to work for it. Sometimes, even then, there was someone who was better at a challenge than I was. This is how life works.

You wake up, you attack the day, you do your best. Often times, someone does better. People have different strengths and weaknesses. Giving a trophy to everyone rewards weakness. The world, the real world that we all live in regardless of rose colored glasses and over sensitivity, does not reward weakness. If you teach small children the opposite, the world will smack them in the face hard and they won’t be prepared for it. We all see this happen every single fucking day but some chose to play the victim and blame those who succeed.

If you want that trophy, work for it. If you can’t get it, you know that what you are trying to achieve might be out of reach and then move on to find something you’re better at. Childhood is a trial period before adulthood. It isn’t a continuation of infancy. Kids have to fail, they have to sometimes have bad experiences, this is how they learn and adapt to a world that isn’t always their friend. To ignore this fact is asinine.

Everyone wants their kid to win. But shouldn’t people want their kid to win at the big picture that is life? So what, they are batting 8th on their Little League team. One day, they may change the world with a Fortune 500 company if you don’t coddle them into being a huge pussy afraid of risk versus reward.

In regards to all this anti-bullying stuff that’s popular now, I hate bullies. I fucking loathe them, actually. But are adults wasting too much time on teaching kids to tattle on bullies instead of focusing on helping them develop confidence, brass balls and the skills to handle their own problems?

I’m not saying that adults shouldn’t step in if things get out of hand but to some degree, a child needs to learn how to stand up against an asshole because they will face many more in life. Also, this teaches the kids to always rely on authority and not themselves. Relying on authority usually comes with a pretty shitty outcome.

And nowadays, the things that are considered “bullying” are fucking laughable. Expressing a different opinion is “bullying” in 2018. This article, by many, even though I single no one out, is probably considered “bullying”.

So, do you want your child equipped to properly handle adulthood? Or do you want them to be a crybaby bitch scared of jerks, living at home at twenty-seven with a bedroom full of participation ribbons?

I hate helicopter parents. If you don’t know what they are, Google it. The problem is that there are so many nowadays. I deal with the ramifications of it on a daily basis, working with younger people. And I’m only thirty-six, I’m not that old.

However, this millennial generation has been coddled to death. They are leaving college, entering the workforce and many of them can’t handle a normal amount of daily adversity and challenges. They shutdown, call their parents and panic. They also don’t have good problem solving or time management skills. They need that parental figure to constantly push them and they need constant validation and acceptance. They don’t understand work relationships versus friendship. They also don’t understand why not everyone gets raises and aren’t asked to participate in certain projects. They’re a lost generation that expect the world to be easy and for their hand to be held at all times.

Granted, I have met many younger people who are the antithesis of this. I am not saying that it effects every millennial-aged person but it is still large enough to be an epidemic. There just don’t seem to be enough of the good ones.

So, is the future bright when we are going to have adult-sized toddlers running the show?

But who am I? I’m just some insensitive asshole that hates kids according to helicopter parents and overly-invested, overly-sensitive teachers. But I don’t give a shit what they think about me, I just give a shit about what they’re doing to the future.

Talking Pulp: Why I’ve Grown to Hate Deadpool

If the title of this article is fightin’ words, then prepare for 1485 more.

I’ve come to the realization that I just don’t like Deadpool. I mean, I used to love him back when Rob Liefeld created him and he was a thorn in the New Mutants and X-Force’s side from time to time. Plus, I was twelve years-old.

But what’s not to like?

He’s pretty much a ninja or at least, he looks like the bastard lovechild of a ninja and Spider-Man. He was also snarky and a pain in the ass. He even wore a badass red outfit with badass swords and badass guns. He had lots of pouches… so many pouches.

However, as much as I enjoyed seeing him pop up in stuff, I never really liked it when he had his own solo comics.

Okay, I did like those first few miniseries that he had because he still wasn’t quite the Deadpool that we would eventually get and I actually loved the bromance between villains Black Tom Cassidy and Juggernaut. But Deadpool would go on to change and he would also go on to have a villain problem.

Let me get to how he changed first.

In 1997, Joe Kelly came along and wrote an ongoing series for Deadpool. It was here where the character’s real super power debuted: the ability to break the fourth wall. This would continue to be a trait that Deadpool would have going into the future. Without Joe Kelly, Deadpool wouldn’t be talking to you and me, the audience, during his movies. Kelly, essentially turned the “Merc with a Mouth” into Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. It was unique and fun at first but as time rolled on, I personally found it more distracting than amusing. But I also prefer tough looking characters that kick a whole lot of ass to spend less time chatting and more time kicking a whole lot of ass.

But really, breaking the fourth wall is not a super power. And neither is talking and being a snarky jackass.

Deadpool’s actual power is pretty much just a super healing ability, which makes him Wolverine without the claws, cool skeleton and good looks. And since Wolverine speaks softly and carries a big can of whoop ass into every situation, I will always prefer Wolverine.

Wolverine is a man’s man where Deadpool is that awkward thirty-something juvenile guy that shows up at parties, makes a fuck ton of jokes and people just leave the room. And then he follows them around making more jokes, oblivious to the fact that his routine is stale and he can’t converse like a normal, well adjusted adult.

I’m not saying that he’s completely unfunny but there comes a time when you need to nut the fuck up and shut the fuck up. This is why Deadpool is amusing from time to time when he cameos in someone else’s comic but to read 30 pages of his shtick, every single month, doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Point being, he’s a character that is much better and more welcomed in smaller doses.

Now circling back to the villain problem, Deadpool just doesn’t have any that are worthwhile. This is really apparent in his movies. Sure, Juggernaut and Black Tom show up in Deadpool 2 but they aren’t a main focus and are really just afterthoughts in the film.

Deadpool typically goes after one-off scumbags. I guess that’s fine if you only read Deadpool for Deadpool but for the rest of us, we want to see him actually face off with credible threats. Comic stories of Deadpool cracking jokes, leading up to killing a random mob boss have been done to death at this point. Lack of good villains is why I’ve never been a huge fan of the Punisher in his own titles either. I prefer the Punisher when he actually goes against Jigsaw or the Kingpin, as opposed to a random Russian sex trafficker.

The times where I do love Deadpool is when he is a real fish out of water and playing against his typical situation. For instance, whenever he’s trying to court Death and drawing the ire of Thanos. Or in Venomverse when he’s one of a few dozen characters but he finds a way to be more than his one-dimensional self and stands out while adding something worthwhile to the story beyond just comedic relief. I just don’t want Wade Wilson to be to Marvel what Santino Marella was to the WWE for several years. But he’s basically Marvel’s Jerry Lewis. A lot of people liked Jerry Lewis but a lot of people also post Onion stories like their news… still.

Getting back to his humor, what is it mostly comprised of? Sex jokes and chimichangas.

A good sex joke can go a long way but when you’re writing a character that’s in comics for teens, there is only so far that you can go. And really, while this does work for a juvenile audience, the humor is still juvenile and who hasn’t heard these tired ass jokes for years already? Well, assuming you’re older than high school age.

Chimichangas are just delicious deep fried burritos. I guess it’s a funny sounding word but how many jokes can you make centered around chimichangas? Apparently, at this point, over twenty years worth strung over multiple creative mediums. You know that meme of the cartoon taco that says, “I don’t wanna taco ’bout it?” Now imagine someone holding that in your face for twenty-plus years.

Another aspect of Deadpool’s humor is pop culture references. He runs off at the mouth referencing movies, video games, bands and everything else like it’s the final battle in Ready Player One. He’s like Marvel’s equivalent to the Family Guy, which I guess a lot of people like but I don’t see the humor in just mentioning some past nerdy thing. Actually, doesn’t that make Deadpool The Big Bang Theory of the Marvel universe then?

When it comes to the comics themselves, looking beyond his humor style, the stories are typically a jumbled up clusterfuck. Everything beyond his dialogue is wacky for wacky’s sake. It’s like reading a Sunday paper comic strip that is stretched from a few panels to 30 pages worth of panels. And nothing in his stories ever seem to hold much bearing over the bigger picture. It’s like every story could just be his own delusional power fantasy where he’s the only one laughing at his jokes.

Additionally, what’s the fucking point of it all? Where is he going as a character? Is he even a character that has the elements that a character should have? What’s his life arc? It’s just a long running aimless joke. Thankfully, the films fleshed him out into something actually tangible with real human emotion but I think that Ryan Reynolds and the writers were smart enough to know that the film wouldn’t succeed as a two hour dick joke. People need to connect to something and Deadpool, in comic book form, doesn’t have anything to connect to. He probably doesn’t connect to you either unless you’re just a basic bitch that thinks Semi-Pro is a better film than The Shawshank Redemption.

Looking back to the beginning at what Deadpool was, as a character, he’s just Rob Liefeld’s attempt at parodying Deathstroke. He was also purposely given a look that is reminiscent of Spider-Man. Deadpool has never been anywhere near as interesting as either of those characters though. Seriously, read Deathstroke by Christopher Priest (the current run of the character) or go back and read Teen Titans: The Judas Contract. Deadpool has never had a story arc anywhere near the quality of Deathstroke. And I don’t even need to compare him to the incredible history of the Peter Parker version of Spider-Man.

Other things to nitpick about is that the character has a terrible origin story, the art in his books is usually mediocre, he’s an amalgamation of ’90s cliches that people have made fun of for years, all he cares about is amusing himself at anyone else’s expense, he’s a prick most of the time, he’s barely heroic, he fucks up constantly and we’re supposed to laugh about it because he’s a Mary Sue that can survive anything, he’s usually in the way when other heroes are present and he relies on his healing ability over honing his actual skills.

I used to love Deadpool. But again, I was twelve years-old. I never cared about his own solo books because I guess I never thought he had much to offer outside of quick appearances. But as time moved on, the gimmick ran tired and Deadpool became the Dane Cook of comic books.

Plus, when someone says that he’s their favorite superhero, chances are they didn’t know who the hell he was until three years ago… and they probably don’t read comic books either.

Retro Relapse: 25 Types of Old People You’ll Find In a Florida Grocery Store

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

It is once again “season” in Florida. Our roads are overtaken by old folks who have a hard time doing anything faster than twenty miles per hour under the posted speed limit. They also try to take you out like you’re trapped in a modern version of Death Race 2000 played in ultra slow motion.

But they aren’t just horrendous drivers trying to murder the residents of the towns they invade, they are also awful at navigating grocery stores. At the very least, they are just in the way and hold up lines and a person’s progress at trying to get in, get food and get the fuck out.

These are the twenty-five most common types of old people you will run into in a Florida grocery store this time of year. Then again, with more and more becoming permanent residents, this is evolving into a year round epidemic.

1. The Banker – This is the old person that has groceries totaling $87.49 and insists on counting out pennies for that entire amount.

2. The Free Sample Congregation – This is a group that grows and refuses to move on because someone is handing out tiny spoons with tapioca on them. They usually stand in front of the aisle with the one thing you need to grab quickly.

3. The Deli Counter Diddler – This is that jerk who is in front of you in line at the deli counter and insists upon trying every single cold cut in the window and some of them twice.

4. The Cart Kamikaze – We’ve all been hit by this asshole. They’re the ones who just come right at you with their shopping cart and smash into you while making eye contact the whole time. Oh, they see you. They just don’t give a shit.

5. The Scooter Kamikaze – Same as above but way more dangerous as this jackoff is piloting a motorized scooter at top speed. They often times knock over elaborate displays throughout the store without a single care in the world.

6. The Looper – This is that old person who keeps looping around the same two aisles over and over. They don’t even seem to be looking for anything specific. I’m not sure if they are lost, confused or the grocery store equivalent to mall walkers.

7. The Cigarette and Lotto Arguer – The angry old coot that holds up the line yelling at the clerk as to which cigarettes or lottery ticket they want even though the clerk has their hand on the correct one.

8. The Pirate Candy Sampler – The douchebag that sticks their dirty hand in the candy bins and samples the treats.

9. The Backseat Driver – The old lady that bosses her hubby around as he’s driving the cart, further confusing him and turning them into a two-person cart kamikaze tandem.

10. The Life Story Check Writer – The old woman who writes a check and takes way more time than necessary, as if she’s writing an entry in her diary. She often asks for the clerk to help her read the check, as she writes it because the sections on a check are apparently never in the same place.

11. The Parking Lot Zombie – Does this need an explanation? Just be careful, they are dangerous and are always aiming for you and your vehicle.

12. The Expired Coupon Pusher – The grumpy old lady that wants a box of Betty Crocker three cheese potatoes au gratin for 35 cents because she has a coupon from 1987. The argument with the cashier can last up to 45 minutes.

13. The Confused Tortoise – This is the jerk that somehow pulls in front of you and walks at speeds that rival a snail. They go up the middle of the aisle and sway left, then right, then left again. You can never get around them and they don’t care that you are behind them because young people need to slow down and enjoy the beautiful sights of canned vegetables.

14. The Dead Beat Parent – This is that phantom person that abandons their full cart of frozen goods in the middle of a busy aisle. I’m not 100 percent sure if they are old but they probably are.

15. The Oblivious Express Lane Invader – The clueless elderly dolt who squeezes into the express lane with two carts full of vitamins, diapers, prune juice, fish oil pills, plain yogurt, magazines and tonic water. They are either completely unaware of the giant red flashing light that says “10 Items Or Less” or they just don’t give a shit because getting old means you get special privileges.

16. The Meat Statue – This person is frozen in time – staring at the steaks or chicken, blocking your ability to just grab the meat you need. They can stay this way for hours, completely unaware that you need to grab something.

17. The Sandwich Dipshit – The old person who has never ordered a sub in their life. “What toppings do you want?” “Heh?!” “What toppings, sir?” “Veggie-tables!” “Which ones, sir?” “Heh?! Are you fucking deaf, lady?!”

18. The Door Troll – Whether you want to enter or exit, there they are – just standing there like a troll demanding payment to pass.

19. The Enquirer Enquirer – The old lady who is so caught up in reading the gossip magazines in the checkout lane that she is holding up everyone else behind her. She never buys a magazine but she makes sure to read it cover-to-cover while your pint of ice cream is melting on the floor.

20. The Pharmacy Haggler – The old guy screaming at the pharmacist about how his pills now cost 50 cents more per bottle when he has paid the same price for ten years. He goes on a twenty minute tirade about how the store is taking advantage of him and how he will never shop there again.

21. The Red Box Bully – The person confused by how Red Box works, even though they use it twice a week. They can spend hours stabbing at the same icon on the home screen with their finger or beating on the machine like an aggressive hobo.

22. The Stop and Chatterers – The two old ladies that stop in the middle of a busy aisle to chatter about how well Brian is doing in college and how much they like their new Lexus when at first, they didn’t feel comfortable driving it. It doesn’t matter that there are about twenty people trying to navigate around them.

23. The Anti-Sushi War Hero – The old warrior perplexed about how they sell sushi in grocery stores in America when we kicked Japan’s ass in ’45.

24. The Gum Returner – This is the temperamental penny-pincher that is trying to return gum or other mundane cheap items and holding up the service counter after spending two dollars in gas to get 35 cents back on stale Trident.

25. The Bank Card Chip Halfwits – This is the newest breed of old people to traverse through in the store. They’ve already learned how to do this multiple times now but are still confused at how the new card machines have to read the chip in their new bank cards. Don’t pull out!

Retro Relapse: 20 Things Porn Stars Do That I’ve Never Had the Urge to Do

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

People have sex. Some people are uncomfortable talking about it. I’m not sure why, maybe the Jesus is strong in some people.

For me, it is a pretty comfortable subject. I’ve never seen the big deal. It’s just fucking sex. If you aren’t doing it, you want to do it. It is human nature to get off. For sanity’s sake, we need to get off. The more, the better.

Obviously, I maintain some decorum based off of my social audience but once the ball is rolling, it is rolling with the velocity of a pinball chugging Cuban coffee sweetened with cocaine.

Why is sex taboo? I don’t know. But it is probably the same reason Rick Santorum has held public office.

When it comes to sex, not much is off limits for me. But when I watch porn, there are often times where I say to myself, “What possesses them to do that?”

Well, this is a list of those acts. Some I don’t have a problem with if it’s your thing. Some of these I am vehemently opposed to. Regardless of where each item on this list fits on my scale of acceptability, these are things I’ve never had the primal urge to engage in.

1. Hocking a loogie on a vagina.

2. Making out with someone post-beejer, just no.

3. Sex in a moving vehicle. Tried it once, just about snapped my shaft in half on a hard turn.

4. Drinking breast milk.

5. Being the dude in a gang bang that isn’t first. Definitely not being the guy that is 412th.

6. Food involved in sex. Cool-Whip off of a titty doesn’t enhance the titty.. or the Cool-Whip.

7. Glory holes. Wait.. are those whiskers?

8. I shouldn’t have to list anything involving animals but just to be safe, no fucking animals.

9. Golden showers.

10. Creampies.

11. Eye-licking.

12. Anything on or around a toilet. Not to say I haven’t. But never again.

13. Bukake.

14. Anything involving menstruation.

15.  Beejers through a hole cut out of a pizza.

16. Tentacles.

17. Anything involving vomit.

18. Anything involving something going into my urethra.

19. Feet.

20. Anything involving poop.

Talking Pulp: The Death of Optimus Prime and Why It Was Great

August 8th, 1986. That was the day where everything changed.

Transformers: The Movie hit theaters and little boys and little girls had their hearts broken when they witnessed, on the big screen, the death of the franchise’s biggest hero, Optimus Prime.

I was seven years-old when I saw the movie and it had a profound effect on me. I was crushed when the film got to that moment but unlike most of the kids in the theater, I got over it as the film rolled on. Because even though I was shocked, I knew that everything changed and nothing was safe. I mean, that was kind of cool. No one had any idea where the movie could even go after that moment, which was very early on in the story.

In that moment, I knew that even though all seemed lost, the stakes had never been higher and that the Autobots faced their greatest challenge. I knew that fresh, exciting and different days were still ahead. And I may have not actually understood this with great detail but I remember vividly what I felt: shock, awe, surprise and an overwhelming desire to see the Autobots overcome adversity, hardship and evil. It also made the villains darker, which I loved.

I guess that this had a huge cultural impact because parents were so upset that they made their feelings widely known. Hasbro responded by having G.I. Joe: The Movie altered so that Duke’s death, the G.I. Joe’s beloved field commander, was rewritten so that he just fell into a coma for the rest of the film. It doesn’t matter that you saw a venomous snake bite him through the heart with actual blood splatter, he lived to be okay.

Hasbro certainly didn’t want more backlash from angry parents with kids that had their hearts crushed like Duke’s in the snake’s mouth. But really, Duke’s “death” was more violent and shocking to see than Optimus Prime’s. I mean, Duke was human, there was blood and his human facial expression really sold the moment. But I’ll probably save this whole topic for an article at a later date. I just wanted to shed some light and add some context on the Optimus Prime death situation from a cultural perspective.

Anyway, Transformers: The Movie moved forward past that tragic scene. Optimus Prime’s Matrix of Leadership was first passed to Ultra Magnus but by the end of the movie, it found the one Autobot truly worthy of carrying it into the future: Hot Rod. Hot Rod unlocked the power of the Matrix and evolved into Rodimus Prime, a sort of hybrid between himself and Optimus, as he grew taller, broader and went from being a cool hot rod to a hot rod mixed with a semi truck.

Rodimus (with the Matrix) defeated the Decepticons and their new leader Galvatron (a suped up version of the former leader Megatron). Rodimus also helped destroy Unicron, who was basically the Transformers version of Marvel’s Galactus but actually cooler. By the end of the movie, Rodimus Prime rose to the occasion and the Autobots that survived this nearly apocalyptic event would go on to protect Earth from Galvatron and his minions in the future.

When the later seasons of the Transformers cartoon hit the airwaves, it took place after the movie and things were very different. Many episodes were dark and bleak and while this probably didn’t appeal to parents looking out for their kids’ best interest, as a kid, I really liked these episodes.

It was the first time that I experienced something I love in entertainment, going darker and getting grittier. As a kid, I thought it was cool as hell and it made this show about cartoon robots seem more real and more mature. In a way, the show was growing up and evolving with me. People look down on this era of the show but if I’m being completely honest, I preferred this era. Plus, the feeling that no one was truly safe, carried over from the movie.

I also preferred the characters and the toys that came out that tied into this post-Movie era. The toys got more elaborate and creative. You had Headmasters, Triggermasters, more creative and futuristic vehicles and Hot Rod was always f’n cool to me, even as Rodimus.

On the Decepticon side, as much as I loved Starscream and his Seekers, I really loved Cyclonus and the Swoops. Megatron is my favorite Transformer of all-time but Galvatron was less bumbling and seemed like he was a more capable madman. Also, Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe even shows up in an episode with the name “Snake”. It’s obvious that it’s Cobra Commander and he is there to assist the villainous Decepticons, years after Cobra has ceased to exist.

You also got really cool Combiners like Predaking and awesome battle stations that transformed into massive robots. I owned Fortress Maximus and it was probably my most beloved toy in the ’80s. It was also a sign of pride for me, as I saved up over $100 to buy it with my own money. I also bought Skorponok and Trypticon because they were two of the coolest f’n toys ever made.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love so many of the original Transformers, as well as the earliest episodes, but there was just something more grown up about the show after the death of Optimus Prime.

If Optimus Prime didn’t die and the show didn’t take a darker turn and get more mature, I probably would have lost interest in it. There were already 65 episodes before The Movie. The formula had run it’s course and change was needed to make things fresh and interesting again. Plus, Hasbro had all these new toys to sell and the old robots were just in the way of the new ones. This is the same reason why the G.I. Joe and Cobra teams changed so frequently on G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero.

But then, like a beacon of light and hope at the end of the dark tunnel, Transformers did something really amazing. The show found a way to resurrect Optimus Prime.

I remember seeing the ad for the Return of Optimus Prime and it’s like the world stopped. After truly enjoying the post-Optimus era, absence made the heart grow fonder and it’s as if I didn’t realize how much I wanted him and needed him during his absence. Optimus Prime going away for awhile made the character stronger. Everyone I knew, back when I was in second grade, was glued to their television sets on February 24th and 25th, 1987 for that two-part story that closed out Season 3.

And what a story that was! Optimus Prime took the Matrix back, Rodimus stepped aside and everything was restored. Plus, the Autobots now had the edge over the more sinister Decepticons.

The point here, is that Optimus Prime dying created backlash and made children cry but it was necessary in making Transformers survive. It enriched the mythos, it paved the way for new characters, new toys and it opened the door for riskier and more interesting storytelling. It changed the tone of the franchise, which I feel was needed after the 65 episodes before The Movie.

I think Hasbro was smart in doing what they did. Without the death of Optimus Prime, we might not have Transformers today. The sacrifice of the franchise’s most popular hero gave that franchise meaning beyond just being some cartoon made to sell toys.

Also, no matter how much money they dump into these modern Transformers movies, they have yet to come up with a story that can even exist in the same orbit as the original animated film. Without the death of Optimus Prime, what was that film? It probably would’ve just felt like a normal multi-part episode like G.I. Joe: The Movie did because they didn’t commit to the bit and kill off Duke.

With Transformers: The Movie, Hasbro did everything right.

And now I leave you with Stan Bush’s “The Touch”. Drink it in, bathe in its glory.

Talking Pulp: WarGames 2018 – The Comic Book Industry Expansion Pack

Somewhere along the way, people went fucking nuts.

I mean, this shit has been simmering for awhile now but Donald Trump winning the presidency (a guy I didn’t vote for, by the way) has turned the lefties into a fucking maelstrom of hate and madness.

I used to write about politics and economics and dealt with my fair share of craziness from people on both sides of the political spectrum because I don’t wholeheartedly agree with either side.

During that time, primarily from 2010 through 2013, I wrote a lot about Donald Trump because no one took him seriously but I saw the writing on the wall. I knew that Barack Obama would defeat Mitt Romney in 2012 and that Donald Trump would win in 2016, as a response to eight years under strong Democratic Party rule. This is how it goes, power shifts back and forth from party to party in a two-party system. Especially, when third party candidates have the deck stacked against them to where they can’t get their foot in the establishment door.

Point being, the Democrats will have their day in the sun again, whether that makes you happy or that upsets you. The pendulum continues to swing: sometimes quickly, sometimes a bit slower.

The writing is always on the wall but, as of late, it seems that the average person is either ignorant of history, often times by choice, or they have the emotional control of a two year-old on Mountain Dew and Smarties. Nothing is ever settled in politics. Neither side is ever going to win and be done with it. It’s always going to be a battle and there will always be the other side of the coin, chipping away at whatever you feel your side of the coin has built up.

Writing about that stuff for a long time and engaging with hostile people all over the damn place was why I had to walk away from it. You are either preaching to the choir or your wasting time and energy on vile people that refuse to listen to logic, reason or just a difference of opinion. Sometimes you reach someone and alter their worldview but open mindedness, acceptance and challenging oneself are things that seem to scare the crap out of people in 2018.

The reason I’m even talking about this is because I now find myself in a similar situation and I’ve stayed away from the political world. But I guess with the madness that has a strong hold on society, this has become unavoidable.

How is it effecting me? How has this bullshit found a way back into my life on a nauseatingly large scale?

Through comic books. Yes, fucking comic books.

Are we this fucking petty now? Is America so far gone that I have to bare witness and be forced to participate in some sort of wackadoo culture war that is happening in one of my favorite forms of escapism?

One side points to the SJW (social justice warrior) takeover of mainstream and indie comics. The other side calls its critics racist, misogynist, homophobic Nazis. One side seems fairly rational, even if some within their ranks are shit stirrers, there will always be shit stirrers. The other side attacks like rabid animals, parroting the same tired and vicious talking points, again and again.

I’ve been aware of the Comicsgate versus SJW war for awhile now but I didn’t really want to involve myself because I hate Twitter and social media in general. Also, I don’t have the time to give a shit or waste time trying to convince other people that their worldview might be wrong.

The thing is, I hate groups and movements and I’ve always been a lone wolf because groups and movements come and go. More people join, movements get co-opted by outsiders, they lose their original intended purpose and then they splinter into other groups or just cease to exist. Just in recent years, I’ve seen this happen with the Tea Party and the Occupy Movement: two groups on opposite ends of the spectrum but both ruined by the same sort of bullshit. History is full of examples like this and nothing truly lasts.

But that doesn’t mean that the ideals and tenets don’t remain in the hearts of a movement’s originators. People with Tea Party or Occupy principles continue to exist and to maintain those original ideals. I tend to stand alongside individuals who share the ideas and worldview that I have, as opposed to joining groups that will run their course and most likely won’t fulfill their intended purpose and often times grow into the antithesis of themselves.

My personal ideals and tenets are more in line with Comicsgate. I agree with their core principles. In saying that, the other side of the coin will just label me a whole bunch of nasty shit that isn’t true because they can’t have an intelligent or even rational discussion about it because either they can’t formulate an intelligent thought, won’t even consider evidence contrary to their beliefs or they are too scared to disagree for fear of also being labeled horrible things. Plus, for these sociopaths, competing for the most likes from other sociopaths on Twitter is more important than being a human fucking being.

These people have become the Westboro Baptist Church of the comic book industry and by denouncing you with hate and venom, they believe that this somehow deplatforms you. Strangely though, words like “Nazi” and “bigot” have lost their impact. And frankly, it goes to show how stupid and bigoted these people are when they want to compare someone critical of a character in a comic book to a fascist empire that murdered millions of people simply because they were Jewish. It’s the SJWs that obsess over race, sexual preference and gender all the time. Most normal people don’t give a shit. But these angry creatures have never experienced real racism or hatred. But everything is offensive to them and context isn’t something that their brains can even seem to calculate. Nor can they detect humor in any of its many forms.

You see, I didn’t want to be Comicsgate and I certainly didn’t want to be an SJW. However, just by being critical of SJWs and their influence on a creative medium I enjoy, makes them categorize me as Comicsgate. Just because I follow a few people on Twitter, as I’m open to hear their opinion, doesn’t mean that I am 100 percent on their side and playing for their team. But that doesn’t matter in an era of extremes where you are guilty by association, even though that doesn’t make sense when I follow liberals and conservatives.

But I see other people like me out there. People that don’t want to be in the fight but they keep getting pulled in. The thing is, Comicsgate isn’t forcing people to ride or die, it’s the SJWs that do that. You’re either with them or you’re fucking Hitler.

This isn’t to say that Comicsgate doesn’t have its fair share of shitheads and problems, it does, and that’s why I haven’t picked a side. Or I haven’t until now.

The shit really hit the fan for me when I saw three things this past week.

The first incident was how Peter Simeti of Alterna Comics was treated by the SJW zealots who wanted to make an example of him because all he did was mind his business and interact with all of his customers, regardless of politics or where they stood in this stupid fucking war. Peter was slandered in the media, slandered all over Twitter and attacked vehemently just because he didn’t want to play the SJW game. It broke my heart to read his words, watch his stream about the situation and to see what he went through in real time, just as an observer on Twitter. I’ve dealt with mental health issues my whole life and I know, first hand, the dark places a mind can go. The fact that Peter was made to feel like this over comic books is fucking disgusting and inexcusable.

The next thing was seeing Mitch Breitweiser’s tweet about how hard this has been on his wife Bettie and how everyday is an emotional whirlwind. Both of them have worked in the comic book industry for awhile now but they have been attacked, constantly, for two years, just because of a political drawing. While I don’t know them personally, I, like many others, have gotten to know them through their live streams and through their involvement in the Comicsgate community. There aren’t two nicer and sweeter people than the Breitweisers but SJWs just see targets to dehumanize and to make an example out of because their own lives are miserable. I supported the Breitweisers’ project Red Rooster and it’s something that I am incredibly excited for because it looks fantastic. But every single day, these people are attacked online and even had to cancel a convention appearance over threats of violence.

The third thing came from Richard C. Meyer a.k.a. Zack a.k.a. Diversity & Comics a.k.a. SJW Public Enemy #1. After a year and a half of combating these people, he looked like he was going to leave Twitter. I don’t blame him, as I want to leave Twitter about six times per day. But the thing is, Richard is a guy that can take it and has taken it for a very long time. Yes, he said some things in the past that were infuriating to SJWs but it doesn’t matter that he has over a thousand other videos, he will always be attacked because of one video from over a year ago. These SJWs just don’t have the ability to understand forgiveness. They don’t have empathy, compassion, a sense of humor and always need an enemy. There’s just something to be said about seeing one of the champions against them get to the point where he’s just over it.

And these are just three recent examples. This has been going on for far too long and again, this is over fucking comic books!

That being said…

I didn’t chose the Comicsgate life, the Comicsgate life chose me.

Or the SJWs did by their actions, their rhetoric and their inability to see beyond their uncontrollable hatred.

don’t want to play the game. And those that don’t want to play shouldn’t be forced to. But that’s what’s happening.

The SJWs are the group that have a “white male problem”. They’re the group that promotes hatred and negativity. They’re the ones who are always on the attack. They are the harassers, the hardcore shit stirrers and they use mob rule to intimidate and dehumanize people with nothing more than a difference of opinion.

Yes, some Comicsgate associated people suck too but I would rather spend my time with those who have fun, enjoy life and try to bring something new and positive to the table. Plus, Comicsgate is a much more diverse group of people despite what those SJW white boys wants you to think.

I think Comicsgaters should stop engaging these sociopaths. Stop sharing their tweets and making them five minute famous. You can mute or block people on social media; I do. It works better than a massive fucking block chain. Hell, I mute Comicsgate people if they’re shit stirrers or do nothing but get into Twitter wars 24/7.

I am an individual, I don’t like labels, I detest groupthink but I do stand with Comicsgate.

I don’t know, I like peace and solutions to problems, as opposed to always holding a magnifying glass up to them.

If you disagree, you’re a fucking racist.