RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2016.
I did a previous installment of this list here.
But to paraphrase (or just cut & paste from the previous installment):
Why should a man own these things? Well, because they make you feel more manly and if you use these items, no one can deny your true manly essence. If you don’t have some of these things, befriend a man that does and share with him until you acquire your own.
So here we go!
1. A sleeping bag made out of a taxidermied great white shark.
2. A big forge for blacksmithing war-ready frigates.
3. A parang because it’s way cooler than a standard machete.
4. An industrial deli meat slicer.
5. Boxing gloves so you don’t damage your fists while taking care of the moose ruining your lawn.
6. A beer fridge the size of Fort Knox.
7. Jet fuel that you use as beard oil.
8. A pair of nunchucks fashioned from grizzly bones and mustang locks.
9. A guitar or another sweet instrument to woo the ladies into nakedness.
10. A big log to carry around to tone your muscles.
11. A pack of wolves who are your eyes, ears and enforcers around your property.
12. A legit gun holster with a six shooter.
13. An aquarium full of swordfish.
14. A boulder to throw. Men throw boulders.
15. An old hockey puck infused with Terry Sawchuk’s teeth and bones.
16. A flashbang grenade. They’re fun at parties.
17. MREs because sometimes the womenfolk make soups and salads.
18. A tank because Hummers are for sissies and quidditch moms.
19. A hippopotamus to use as a river raft.
20. A mean set of throwing knives because guns are noisy.
21. A great library. So when people come over, you can proudly and robustly proclaim, “This is my great library!”
22. An army of chickens that lay 200 grams of protein at your door each morning.
23. A pet anaconda used for resistance training.
24. A humidor that can hold several boxes of cigars and a party sub.
25. A 96 oz. porterhouse should always be on-hand.