Retro Relapse: Beard Oil: A Necessary Awesome

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2016.

I never used beard oil.

Well, the thing is, I knew of its existence but it was just something I really never thought about or entertained. Also, the idea of rubbing a bunch of oil into my manly facial foliage just seemed unnecessary, messy and greasy.

You see, I’ve had a robust beard for quite a long time. I keep it well maintained and it has always just kept a nice shape. I guess it is harder for some men to maintain its beauty but it was never a cause for concern with me. The compliments have always been plentiful and I’ve never really had any complaints or negative criticisms.

The problem is that my skin dries out very easily. After four of five months of growing out my beard, I usually have to trim it down pretty far to let my facial skin breathe. This is also why I keep the hair on my scalp fairly short. As an adolescent in the early stages of puberty, I had eczema on my scalp pretty bad. As I’ve gotten older, my scalp still gets dry here and there but it is very manageable.

Talking to a friend who also maintains a majestic beard and has similar skin issues, I discovered that since he started using beard oil, he’s had less problems with his skin under his beard. The main reason, is that beard oil keeps things moisturized.

But still, I never really went out and bought a bottle. “Botanical” isn’t a word in a lumberjack’s lexicon except where gin is concerned.

Then Christmas 2015 came and I received a bottle as a gift from my cousin and his awesome wife. I figured that I might as well take the plunge. If I tried it and didn’t like it, I could wash it out and go about my life. Plus I wasn’t twenty dollars in the hole because it was gifted to me.

Day one, I screwed up. Maybe I should have read instructions or asked a friend but I put what was too much into my hand before rubbing it in. My beard felt like angel hair pasta saturated in olive oil. Although it smelled woodsy and leathery and pretty badass. I washed it out and applied a more moderate amount.

It was still a bit greasy for a quick bit but it dried. It then smelled glorious for the whole day. I didn’t even need cologne.

I have since used it daily, sometimes twice – if I am going out at night to woo female songbirds.

Since regularly applying this stuff to my man whiskers, my skin underneath has been perfect. No dryness, no itchiness, just loveliness.

So after a month and a half or so, I’m probably going to use beard oil for the rest of my life. It also provides me with the opportunity to try an array of products in an effort to find the perfect concoction and to review them, as I have been reviewing a lot of soaps and things like that over the last few years here on The Distinguished Grizzly.

I was never dead set against using beard oil, I just never had the urge. Now that I’ve gone down the path, I don’t want to live a life without it. And if you’ve found yourself disinterested, as I did, it is probably worth your time to give it a shot, even if you feel like your shit is top notch and you don’t need it.

It is worth noting that my beard is even shapelier and a lot softer. It was never uncomfortable or rough but now it is like a nice feathered pillow whenever I fall asleep at my desk.

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