RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2014.
Being a man is tough in this modern sissy age. There are those who want to emasculate us and make us more androgynous. They think that our testosterone-driven DNA is barbaric and neanderthal-like. Then again, these hypocritical people are the first to call a man a “pussy” if he doesn’t man up when they command him to. I call these people “women” (their actual sex doesn’t matter, as some have penises).
While women can try to have their cake and eat it too, I’m going to have my steak, a bourbon, a campfire, a pet bear I tamed to bring me fresh wild game and a big set of balls that I have to be cautious of in order not to sit on them due to their immensity. That may have been a bit of a run-on sentence but I am a man and grammar is just an annoying slut that you have to chin check once in a-fucking-while.
So while many men struggle with being men because the pressure of assholes telling them that they’re evil oppressors can be overbearing, I am here to tell you about twenty-five things every man should own.
Why should a man own these things? Well, because they make you feel more manly and if you use these items, no one can deny your true manly essence. If you don’t have some of these things, befriend a man that does and share with him until you acquire your own.
So here we go!
1. A backyard full of wood slabs to make stuff out of.
2. A bow. Because throwing an arrow is actually harder than it should be.
3. A bluegrass record. Emphasis on “record”.
4. A tool belt. Preferably one made out of the hide of an animal you ate, held together by duct tape and Gorilla Glue.
5. A collection of whiskeys large enough to rival the biggest liquor store in your area and to support the town’s drinking habits if zombies, orcs or sparkly vampires ever do raid your living space.
6. A saw. Any saw, really. Although you should make an effort at acquiring every type of saw and inventing a few new ones.
7. A doctorate in falconry degree.
8. A shed full of smoked bacon and the room on your property to expand it, if the need arises.
9. A very sharp cutlass to duel other men with. This is the best kind of cardio workout for a man’s man.
10. Season tickets to a minor league hockey team, as the fights are better and usually the shit beer is cheaper.
11. One of those giant Middle Earth eagles because airfare is free and there are no delays.
12. An old car engine used primarily for cooking slabs of meat.
13. A homemade industrial-sized cat tree to keep the mountain lions out of your manly hair when you are eating copious amounts of meat.
14. A beard thick, luscious and manly enough to grow its own beard.
15. An axe, a stump and a lot of wood. This is the best way for a man to stay in nice physical shape.
16. A house rattlesnake to take care of unwanted vermin.
17. A baseball bat. Preferably a Louisville Slugger.
18. A monster truck made out of wood over a frame built from the bones of a buffalo. Moose antlers on the hood are a nice accent.
19. A tomahawk worth throwing.
20. A few pet beavers because you never know when you will need to build a dam.
21. A copper still. The reason should be obvious.
22. A really good survival knife because toothpicks are a waste of perfectly good wood.
23. A self-whittled totem pole on your property that showcases all of your power animals.
24. A lion or tiger to ride because horses are high maintenance, overly emotional and harbor grudges. Also, big cats are better at climbing mountains and scaling trees with ease.
25. A hidden cabin in an undisclosed location to horde your extra meat, liquor and gold. Preferably guarded by two trusted Kodiak bears.