RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2015.
I once listed twenty-five reasons as to why the Great Sasuke is the ultimate badass. I wrote that originally in 2006 for my then popular MySpace blog. I also reposted it here, about a year ago.
The thing is, the Great Sasuke <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> is THE ultimate badass in the universe. While many Americans might not be familiar with him, that is probably for the best because believing in gods can lead to very bad things like Al Qaeda and Rick Santorum.
Anyway, one should never doubt the Great Sasuke’s greatness and therefore should not believe that he is just limited to the twenty-five badass things I listed long ago. The number of badass things he does is pretty much infinite. These are just twenty-five more random items out of his catalog of ultimate badassery.
1. While on one of his many Mexican wrestling tours, he ripped open a piñata with a simple hand gesture from across the room.
2. He once punched through a gorilla’s chest, holding its heart out of a hole in its back and then replaced it – no harm done – in a matter of milliseconds. That gorilla was King Kong.
3. At a party, he crushed every level in every Guitar Hero game with nothing more than a spatula.
4. He often times water skis on the back of dolphins without a boat.
5. The one time he got crabs, he politely asked them to jump into pots and he then fed a village.
6. Every loss in his career was done in an effort to build up the confidence and spirit of his opponents.
7. He once climbed Mount Everest for better cellphone reception.
8. Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” is actually about a wall adjacent to the front door in the foyer of Great Sasuke’s Tōhoku home.
9. As a boy, he dreamed of being a fisherman but his method of punching the water for fish killed the entire sea within a three-hundred and fifty mile radius. Most of the fish rotted before his friends and neighbors could eat them all. It took months for the ecosystem to recover.
10. He wrote the original screenplay for Dirty Dancing but cursed Jennifer Grey into obscurity due to her poor portrayal of Baby. He rewarded Patrick Swayze with the scripts to Road House and Point Break.
11. The women of the British Royal Family routinely try to woo Sasuke in an effort to get him into their bloodline.
12. Kaiju were once real but the Great Sasuke ate them all one afternoon when they interrupted his sunbathing.
13. He once rounded up and returned all the souls Aborigines lost to photographs.
14. Mosquitos turn into fireworks if they bite him.
15. He once entered a supermassive black hole because he thought it could literally turn him into spaghetti. He walked away hungry and disappointed.
16. Robert A. Heinlein’s Stranger in a Strange Land was actually written as a science fiction retelling of Sasuke’s years in primary school after being raised in the wild by dragon spirits.
17. The Dos Equis guy collects Great Sasuke autographs.
18. Hitler mysteriously disappeared when the Great Sasuke used him as a water balloon.
19. The Great Sasuke shrugged before Atlas was born.
20. He invented swashbuckling but Hollywood has never made it as exciting.
21. He once tried to power a steam engine with one bead of sweat: it exploded.
22. One time he picked up and moved Thor’s hammer because it was jamming a door.
23. Sasuke once parted the Red Sea for Moses with his billowing laughter.
24. Gary Busey is an insane person because he once high-fived the Great Sasuke.
25. He used to mount and ride velociraptors like horses but found their temperament displeasing.