RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2006.
I have decided to give you all 25 reasons why the Great Sasuke is such a badass! <*pronounced = saw – su – kay> Since Sasuke is my favorite Japanese wrestler of all-time, I figured it was time to give him his due. And yes, I do own an authentic Great Sasuke mask from Japan (as seen in my old RCP TV projects from circa 2000). He is more badass than that pussy Chuck Norris. Fuck Chuck Norris.
1. Sasuke once uppercutted an earthworm through the ground from a different hemisphere.
2. Sasuke once destroyed all members of G-Unit in a rap battle with his mouth full of peanut butter and breadsticks.
3. Exclusive to Japan, Great Sasuke action figures were actually created by Sasuke himself, when he used a razor to cut off small chunks from his body. The chunks instantly grew into fully animated miniature Sasukes. They were sedated and packaged in time for Christmas.
4. Sasuke once choked out Rickson Gracie just by staring at him for 2 seconds.
5. Sasuke’s intense snoring is the cause of El Nino, the tsunami that took out India, the rapidly increased hurricane and tornado activity as well as breaking the Curse of the Bambino by resurrecting Babe Ruth just to bitchslap him back to Hell.
6. Sasuke was crowned the King of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula without ever setting foot in the state.
7. Sasuke wears a mask to protect mankind. If they were to see his face, they would then have the answers to all.
8. Sasuke gave David Lynch the idea for Twin Peaks and it’s entire complex plot with a simple napkin drawing.
9. Sasuke conquered four solar systems while he had a slight headache and a urinary tract infection.
10. Sasuke has handwritten every fortune cookie ever distributed.
11. Sasuke once held every single light heavy weight title in his sport (*see photo at top), as well as every title within the 36 known dimensions.
12. While wrestling briefly with ECW in 1997, Sasuke beat the entire locker room in a street fight gauntlet match in less than 8 seconds.
13. Sasuke can travel through the space-time continuum and inter-dimensionally at will.
14. Sasuke is responsible for writing David Bowie’s entire music catalog in less than 6 minutes, when he was 4 years old. It is said that Bowie still has enough songs left for another 13 albums.
15. As a token of gratitude, God allows Sasuke to periodically go into Heaven to beat down angels that don’t pull their weight. God offered Sasuke wings, but he declined as he can fly through the sky by sheer will.
16. Sasuke once ate an orphanage and all its occupants because a kid inside made a horrible finger-painted portrait of Sasuke.
17. Sasuke regularly has sex with Centaurs, which kills them… brutally.
18. On April 3rd 2002, Sasuke roundhouse kicked a tour bus in Osaka. It ended up in Nova Scotia 4 days earlier on March 30th 2002, where the tourists remains were collected and poured into large bags. Sasuke then drank them all on April 2nd, 2002 – a day before the infamous roundhouse kick even occurred.
19. Criss Angel has dope magical powers because Sasuke hugged him at a wrestling show in 1991.
20. Sasuke’s sperm is the key ingredient in the atom bomb. The atom is just a cover up.
21. Sasuke has been known to piss Chinese stars in combat.
22. Sasuke can stop multiple bullets with a single palm strike.
23. Once, while fighting in a juniors tournament in Japan, Sasuke snapped his fingers and all 7 of his competitors dropped dead. It was later attributed to overexposure to radiation.
24. Sasuke wrote such classics as Catcher in the Rye, Into the Sun, Dracula, Lord of the Rings, the Adventures of Tom Sawyer, the Iliad, the Bible, Hound of the Baskervilles, To Kill a Mockingbird, the original Star Wars novelization, House of Seven Gables, The Crow comics, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, most Hallmark greeting cards, Edgar Allan Poe’s entire catalog and The Da Vinci Code. He then went back in time and hid these works throughout the world for others to find and take credit for.
25. Since Noah couldn’t even carve a dreidel, Sasuke actually built and then swam with Noah’s Ark on his back for 40 days. He then threw it into a mountainside because Noah was a whiner.