Retro Relapse: 50 Things You Shouldn’t Have In Your House Because You’re a Man

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2015.

A man is what most males should evolve into, as they grow and experience life and get out there and learn how to be self-sufficient, self-reliant people and masters of their own domain.

I’ve written on the topic quite extensively and different people have a lot of different ideas on what a man is. I’m not going to argue or debate that here. I’m just going to list some things that you probably shouldn’t have in your domicile if you are a full grown badass grizzly motherfucker.

Plus, this list will help you get laid more.

So what should you not have in your house? Well, this is a start.

1. Clutter, filth, dirt, grime and shit everywhere. Clean up after yourself.
2. Tin foil, posters or something other than curtains or blinds covering your windows.
3. Nothing in the pantry other than ramen and hot sauce.
4. Sheets covered in Rugrats characters.
5. Video game chairs, inflatable furniture or beanbags.
6. A proud collection of empty liquor bottles or beer boxes.
7. Anything Pokémon.
8. Christmas lights as year-round mood lighting.
9. Bongs all over the place.
10. A pile of dirty dishes that are growing new lifeforms.
11. Blacklight posters.
12. Shelves built from materials stolen from a construction site.
13. A toilet with a messed up flush pump. It is literally the easiest thing to replace in your house. And dirt cheap.
14. Stacks of magazines that haven’t been touched in years.
15. Posters or art that doesn’t have any sort of unifying theme. And posters that aren’t framed. A cheap decent frame is a few bucks at Wal-Mart.
16. Bunk beds. Seriously, I have a 32 year-old friend who has a bunk bed.
17. Duct taped furniture.
18. An overflowing garbage can.
19. CD towers. What year is this?
20. Cords strung throughout the house.
21. Stolen street signs.
22. A comforter on the floor or an inflatable mattress as a bed.
23. A shrine to an athlete or to anyone, really. Unless it is Stan Mikita.
24. Comic books or sports cards not in protective sleeves and properly stored.
25. Strobe lights on all the time.
26. Outdoor mats or rugs as bath mats or area rugs.
27. Weapons on display that would break if you were to actually use them as weapons.
28. Pot leaf decor.
29. Trophies you won in middle school.
30. A bread box full of mail or magazines.
31. Shower curtains covered in Pixar characters.
32. Any merchandise with Che on it. Che didn’t like capitalism, right?
33. Half finished projects you have no intention of completing that take up half the room in your house.
34. DJ equipment on display in the corner, covered in three years of dust.
35. Recycling to-go containers as dinner plates.
36. A futon as your primary bed.
37. Lava lamps or anything comparable.
38. A pog collection.
39. A half used box of condoms on display.
40. Empty vases or ones filled with dead plant life.
41. Neon signs for shitty beer.
42. Porn magazines or DVDs out in the open in the common areas of the house.
43. Tofu or other soy products.
44. A library full of unopened books. We all know you aren’t an intellectual.
45. Swimsuit or porn calendars on the wall.
46. A Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, Easy Bake Oven or other child appliance on display.
47. Scented candles unless they smell like smoked moose carcass in a burning forest.
48. Sports jerseys displayed on the wall with a hanger.
49. An elliptical covered in clothes.
50. A wall of action figures still in their packages. Play with them shits!

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s