Retro Relapse: Bitch, You Ain’t 21!

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

By the title of this piece, you are probably assuming that it is about teen girls trying to sneak into the bar to party with the big boys. Well, you’re wrong. In fact, I am talking about the whole other end of the spectrum. I’m talking about girls in their mid-thirties (or older) that still act and behave like they’re 21 year-olds who have only been able to drink just recently.

C’mon, you know the girls I’m talking about. The ones who show up at the bar, ready to rumble but wearing classier clothes than their early 20s counterparts and order somewhat classier drinks – usually something in a stemmed glass, as opposed to brightly colored fruity shots. They down martinis like a marathon runner grabbing for waters. They dance pretty uncoordinated but do a good job of keeping their balance for the first ten minutes until they break a heel. They also look like a drunk aunt when they hit on the 21 year-old unkempt fellow wearing a hat in a nice club while sipping on a Miller Lite. They are overly impressed with almost any form of flattery. They start handing out their business cards to everyone, even if you aren’t interested in buying a house from them or going to see the dermatologist they work for. Many of them hit a point in the night where they transform into werewolves howling at the moon and shredding everything in sight. Some of them smell like a mixture of Princess Night and cat piss. They are essentially cougars in training that will fail to reach full cougarhood. Instead, they will become the lonely and crazy cat ladies of modern urban folklore.

I get that life is hard and you like to party hard, I’m right there with you. The thing is, when you hit that late 20s mark and going into your 30s, things need to change. Behaving like you did when you were a bar newbie over ten years ago is not only sloppy and unattractive, it is also a clear sign of someone with problems that no real and mature guy is going to want to deal with. If you’re complaining that you can’t find a decent man but you regularly exhibit behavior like this, you are most likely going to continue to struggle with that. No one wants to deal with a drunken mess every time the bar is open. I say this to help and this is coming from someone who has been a drunken mess many times in his day. I’ve also evolved.

You’ve been doing this long enough that you should know your drinking capabilities and your limitations. You should also have enough self-respect to not publicly transform into an insane wildebeest dancing like an epileptic jellyfish while puking on barstools and sweating like a fat man in a buffalo wing eating contest. You’re also making yourself look like easy pickin’s for the date rapists and molly ninjas.

This behavior isn’t going to lead to anything good. Whether it is the quality of man you’ll potentially attract, the DUI you might get or the health problems that will eventually occur, life will never be your bitch. In fact, you will be life’s bitch. The hardcore “fuck it all to hell, let’s party” schtick will do the exact opposite of solving your woes. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have fun and let loose but you shouldn’t make it your life’s mission. You’ve got to have balance and control. And again, you should already know your limitations.

Additionally, all those spin classes mean jack shit when you’re bathing in martinis all night, every night. Also, you are aging really fast. Botox all you want but Joan Rivers looks like a plastic nightmare.

Now being in my mid-30s, I’ve learned the hard way that the body changes and one’s recovery time and ability to bounce back is nowhere near where it was in your 20s. While having a more established life and a real job to go to on a daily basis, I have to plan accordingly. This means no more weeknight trips to clubs or bars out of town, pulling an all night binger, only to have to be back at my desk and functional by 9 a.m. I’ve seen too many people my age get fired from good jobs because they can’t adapt and evolve passed their “party hard” nature.

Earlier, I mentioned the quality of mates one would attract exhibiting these traits. In most cases, women like this take home that young guy, which sounds pleasing to some but ultimately, he just wants to fuck you and will tolerate your bullshit as long as he is getting laid. The truth is, and as you all should know, most of these young guys won’t stick around very long and while the action is good, you’re left empty and back to square one. It’s a cycle that won’t end until you break it. I also see many girls taking home dudes in their 20s that they wouldn’t have even talked to when they were in their 20s. As time goes on, they downgrade their game and bring home guys they previously wouldn’t have given the time of day. And the ones that do stick around are usually emasculated lapdogs that will put up with your shit and take your abuse but they’ll never give you the fulfillment of actually being with a man. In fact, once you cheat on them, in front of them, they’ll probably just put on their headphones and cry to Snow Patrol.

The harsh reality is that there comes a time in life where you need to grow the fuck up or get left the fuck behind.

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