RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2015.
Last year, I covered 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis.
A friend of mine asked me if he just needed to do those twenty-five things.
I was like, “Well yeah but there is even more stuff you can do.”
He was all like, “Uh.. like what, bro?”
So I was like, “Well damn, I guess I could make another list.”
So this right here is that list. Truth be told, you can never run out of manly shit to do.
In fact, you should do all the stuff on the previous list daily and then do all this shit too. Hell, maybe I’ll keep making lists in the future and will thus provide you, the loyal reader, with thousands of manly things to crush through each day.
Men need challenges. However, to a man, a challenge is nothing more than an item on a checklist. Men always complete their checklists.
I will now revisit the not too lengthy mantra that prefixed the original list:
It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.
I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!
Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!
And now, the new list!
1. Box an entire troop of kangaroos!
2. Soak up a barrel’s worth of 190-proof Everclear through your pores!
3. Make slippers out of live honey badgers!
4. Wear an SR-71 Blackbird as a condom!
5. Challenge the military of a moderately-sized dictatorship with nothing more than an ostrich to ride and a battleaxe!
6. Play Frisbee with another manly man, only using Chinese stars!
7. Ride a Yeti like a snowboard down an avalanche!
8. Build an Ewok village in a redwood forest with nothing more than duct tape!
9. Do 1000 curls with each arm using a Montana-class battleship as the weight!
10. Dress up like a snake and board a plane with Samuel L. Jackson!
11. Challenge an elephant to a pissing contest!
12. Put a Class 5 dragon or higher in a Figure Four leglock!
13. Take the stance that Wu-Tang Clan is something to fuck with!
14. Go to Ireland and order an Irish car bomb!
15. Do a dozen or so moonshine body shots off of a Sasquatch!
16. Listen to a Taylor Swift song and try not to laugh! Seriously, the hardest thing on this list!
17. Grow a beard that grows its own beard! A manly man can do this in a day!
18. Build a new coffee table out of the remaining bones of a werewolf whose skull you headbutted to dust!
19. Go to a ComicCon dressed as Jar Jar Binks!
20. Play 1-on-5 pond hockey against a team of Kodiak bears!
21. Make eye contact with the Iron Sheik!
22. Eat a sub! Like an actual nuclear submarine filled with Italian meats!
23. Climb into a great white shark and punch your way out!
24. Conquer A.C. Slater in a dance-off with Jesse Spano, Kelly Kapowski and Zack Morris as judges!
25. Call Mike Tyson a pussy while pouring barbecue sauce on your ear!
To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.
*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.