Video Game Review: Ikari Warriors (NES)

Playing this game now, I fucking hate it. I much prefer the arcade version but it was this port to the original Nintendo that I played the most.

I guess what I hate about it is that it is infuriatingly hard and it’s so damn repetitious that it gets pretty boring, really fast.

It also doesn’t help that I just played the much superior Iron Tank right before this, as well as playing through the arcade version of Mercs not too long ago.

This game is impossible to beat if you don’t use the infamous A, B, B, A code that lets you rise from the dead and play forever.

This round, I didn’t even want to be bothered with the A, B, B, A code, so I just threw in an infinite lives code with the Game Genie.

Still, playing this was tedious and annoying.

I don’t know why I played the crap out of this as a little kid. Maybe it just gets you in a trance and you just march forward, getting shot the fuck up, smashing in A, B, B, A and rising from the dead like a goddamned machine gun wielding phoenix to the dismay of your enemies that really got my adolescent rocks off? But, really, I don’t know. I think I was just happy with the games I got to play because it meant that I didn’t have to go outside in the hot, humid Southwest Florida summers.

Maybe I just thought I was John Rambo with a pink machine gun and murdering scumfucks was my bag?

Whatever, the game is mostly shit and that’s because the levels are waaay too fucking long. Seriously, Google a map of a Nintendo Ikari Warriors level and feel yourself shudder from the immense length of it. This game’s level maps are like the Ron Jeremy schlong of 8-bit level design.

Plus, the levels aren’t designed very well to begin with.

Ikari Warriors was still a super popular game. And I did like this circa 1987 but I was also a real idiot back then because I was like 8 years-old and literally thought I’d grow up and join G.I. Joe.

Rating: 4.5/10
Pairs well with: other 8-bit military vertical scrollers like Jackal, Iron Tank, Commando, 1942 and all its sequels/prequels.

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