Retro Relapse: Pick-Up Artists & Peacock Clowns

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

Now that the cat has been let out of the bag in regards to pick-up artists and their “game”, I’m shocked that dudes are still using these well-known tactics and I am even more surprised that chicks still fall for these peacocking asshat shenanigans. To each his own, I guess. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still toss some shit their way.

For one, the whole philosophy of being a pick-up artist is one of complete selfishness and being a class A lying douchebag. They manufacture a character, dress like an asshole and hide their true selves in an effort to fuck as many chicks as possible, not caring if they leave bodies in their wake. Why? Because they are reformed losers who found some magic “mystery” method or formula that has made them into… still losers.

Sorry PUA worshippers but that’s the truth. Another truth, is that getting pussy doesn’t make you a man. In fact, more often than not, it has made males continue to be fear turtle juveniles hiding in their shell because they are deathly afraid of just being themselves.

At its core, the pick-up artist philosophy teaches its practitioners to be liars. They want you to stop being who you are and instead, favor you transforming yourself into a goofy caricature wearing funny hats and accessories. They influence countless dudes to become dickbag womanizers.

Through being a liar, the dude is supposed to build confidence and swagger and become the ultimate male that chicks in any bar will throw their pussies at. The funny thing is, in a truly real world scenario, I’ve never seen this work out for guys all that effectively.

Dressing in crazy clothes and flare is called “peacocking” in the PUA community. Not only is that a stupid name but more often than not, these guys look like desperate mid-life crisis wankers about twenty years too young for a mid-life crisis. They also stick out like a sore thumb. Sure, a decade ago before this PUA bullshit became mainstream, maybe a chick would see one of these peacock clowns and go, “Hmm… that guy has an interesting style.” Nowadays, I mostly see girls go, “Peacocking douchebag at 9 o’clock.” At least the smart guys employing these strategies have learned to tone it down a bit and wear normal clothes with just a bit of flare or minor embellishments.

For guys down on their luck with women, or that just don’t have macking skills, these PUA programs make you a worse person. Say you commit to it, you succeed in the way that they want you to and you are able to start scoring chicks. Good for you, you have now succeeded where most guys will still continue to flounder after dishing out barrels of cash.

The problem is, you aren’t fixing your problems with yourself. You may have some form of confidence but you’re a devious lying piece of shit and apparently have no concern as to whether or not you’re out hurting any of the chicks you are trying to bang. You’ve gone from being a nice guy that needed a bit of help with women to a false human being who has thrown himself away in favor of some quick lays. Putting the lid down doesn’t flush the shit from the toilet.

And what happens when the quick lays aren’t enough. What happens when you decide that you want a long-term relationship because ultimately, even though you’ve screwed half the town, you are still alone and in need of true intimacy. You can play it cool and act like you don’t need it but the fact of the matter is, human beings are wired this way. Thriving just on sex gets boring after a while.

The point is, if you’ve been this lying bastard who buys his hats at the Halloween store, how do you show someone the real you and attract them on a deeper more intimate level? Do you continue to play the part or do you shed all that and be you? Do you even know who you are at this point?

The fact of the matter is, you can act like you’re all cool and badass because you’ve become a pussy magnet but you are no longer a real person. Chances are, at this point, you don’t know who you are anymore. How can a woman get to know you and see you in a realistic long-term sense, if you’ve thrown yourself away? And what woman would want a guy who doesn’t even know who he is? I used the term “woman” because one could probably still convince some naïve girls, at least for a little while, and even then, would you want to be with a chick that oblivious?

These professional pick-up artists are selling you snake oil. Their books, products, programs and seminars are expensive. Most of the guys who buy into it, fail at it or are overwhelmed by it and just find themselves more frustrated and more broke. These PUA masters are playing you just like they are playing the chicks they claim they score. The proof is in the pudding and if this shit worked, dudes everywhere would be sexual mastodons passing on the good word of these products.

The most effective method I’ve used, as have most guys, is being myself. No bullshit, no peacocking, just being me. Does it give me a high success rate? No. But neither will wearing a stupid hat and motorcycle goggles. At least I’m not getting laughed at for looking like an awkward doofus trying too hard. And in the end, I still have success and my dignity. Playing the game doesn’t mean playing yourself.

I’ll let Tom Haverford sum it up for you.