RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2014.
It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.
I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!
Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!
1. Put a big fucking bear in a headlock and punch it in the face!
2. Take a nice hot bath in the La Brea Tar Pits then scoff at the rest of California!
3. Bench press an M1A1 Abrams tank… twice!
4. Throw a tomahawk, run passed it and catch it in your teeth!
5. Find the frozen remains of a woolly mammoth, grill the fucker and eat it like a steak – hair, tusks and all!
6. Wear a live king cobra as a belt!
7. Play football without helmets and pads on a minefield!
8. Go into the ocean, rip a sea urchin off of a rock with your bare hands and bite into it!
9. Firewalk in an active volcano – barefoot!
10. Drink a barrel of 100+ proof bourbon and chase it with a barrel of Scotch!
11. Dress like Teddy Roosevelt and wrestle a fucking moose into submission!
12. Power through a thousand pull-ups with a lit stick of dynamite as the bar!
13. Surf coast-to-coast across the Everglades on the back of an alligator!
14. Play Russian roulette with a Gatling gun!
15. Juggle multiple Smart cars! Fiat 500s if you’re feeling stronger!
16. Use an A-10 Thunderbolt II as a fucking hang glider!
17. Smoke a totem pole like a cigar!
18. Swim with piranhas and bite back until you’re the only living thing left in the water!
19. Take on ten Muay Thai boxers while handcuffed!
20. Drive cross country in a World War II motorcycle with a male lion in the sidecar!
21. Have a fencing duel using a live swordfish!
22. Tell Brock Lesnar that wrestling is fake!
23. Play chicken on a bicycle – against a rhino!
24. Build your own Thunderdome and invite Seal Team Six over for a rumble!
25. Videobomb an episode of Shark Week wearing a suit made of seal meat!
To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.
*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.