Retro Relapse: 25 Things Manly Men Should Do On a Daily Basis

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

It is hard being a masculine manly man in an emasculated modern age where we are often times chastised for just being ourselves. I accept the challenge and thrive in uphill battles because being a masculine manly man is the essence of my entire core.

I fuel myself on the conquering and pillaging of those things that oppose my existence. And to remind myself of my mission of being myself, I do these twenty-five activities daily!

Keeping the testosterone flowing is essential for ultimate manliness and these activities certainly keep the man juice pumping through my gargantuan grizzly DNA!

1. Put a big fucking bear in a headlock and punch it in the face!

2. Take a nice hot bath in the La Brea Tar Pits then scoff at the rest of California!

3. Bench press an M1A1 Abrams tank… twice!

4. Throw a tomahawk, run passed it and catch it in your teeth!

5. Find the frozen remains of a woolly mammoth, grill the fucker and eat it like a steak – hair, tusks and all!

6. Wear a live king cobra as a belt!

7. Play football without helmets and pads on a minefield!

8. Go into the ocean, rip a sea urchin off of a rock with your bare hands and bite into it!

9. Firewalk in an active volcano – barefoot!

10. Drink a barrel of 100+ proof bourbon and chase it with a barrel of Scotch!

11. Dress like Teddy Roosevelt and wrestle a fucking moose into submission!

12. Power through a thousand pull-ups with a lit stick of dynamite as the bar!

13. Surf coast-to-coast across the Everglades on the back of an alligator!

14. Play Russian roulette with a Gatling gun!

15. Juggle multiple Smart cars! Fiat 500s if you’re feeling stronger!

16. Use an A-10 Thunderbolt II as a fucking hang glider!

17. Smoke a totem pole like a cigar!

18. Swim with piranhas and bite back until you’re the only living thing left in the water!

19. Take on ten Muay Thai boxers while handcuffed!

20. Drive cross country in a World War II motorcycle with a male lion in the sidecar!

21. Have a fencing duel using a live swordfish!

22. Tell Brock Lesnar that wrestling is fake!

23. Play chicken on a bicycle – against a rhino!

24. Build your own Thunderdome and invite Seal Team Six over for a rumble!

25. Videobomb an episode of Shark Week wearing a suit made of seal meat!

To enhance any or all of these experiences and their effects, find a way to include bacon in each activity.

*For the record: I actually cannot condone these activities and they will probably get you killed or maimed.

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