Retro Relapse: The Church of the Epic Beard

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I go to church. It is the church of man. It is a very exclusive place of worship. Not all who try to join this institution are allowed in. Our membership seems to be dwindling even though more and more males try to earn entry within the hallowed walls of our divine institution. Most do not understand what membership requires, however, and thus, eliminate themselves from consideration. That’s their bad, as we were once made up of great men, leaders of the world in fact.

American presidents Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Benjamin Harrison, Rutherford B. Hayes and James Garfield had bodacious beards. President Theodore Roosevelt didn’t have a beard but he had a sweet mustache epic enough to rival any bearded naysayer. Other presidents with facial hair of some sort that rocked it at an elite level of manliness were Martin Van Buren, John Quincy Adams, Chester A. Arthur, Thomas Jefferson, James Polk, William Taft, Zachary Taylor and the father of America, George Washington.

You see, in the old days, elections were won by the man who had the most beastly and stylish facial foliage. Somewhere over the last century or so, that has been lost. It’s bullshit. I’m tired of middle-aged pretty boys and saggy-jowled old men leading my nation. And don’t you notice a trend?

As time goes on, our country gets shittier and shittier and our freedoms are being slowly wiped away. One could only theorize that this is due to the train of bitchmen that have sat in the Oval Office. Men who take their eye off of the ball every morning in order to shave off their badge of manhood. They might as well be cutting their balls off and handing them over to China.

Once John F. Kennedy became president and television became God to Americans, everyone was enamored with how handsome this pretty boy in their living room was. The thing that J.F.K. had going for him though, is that he was a good leader, so from the start, he showed that he was a very savvy dude even without a beard.

The problem is, all women wanted to bone John Fitzgerald Kennedy and thus, men patterned themselves after his style. Beards were lost and men who needed them for that extra boost of power, fell to the pressures of society. Militant feminism rose, hippies with disgusting unkempt facial hair became the norm, big business frowned upon furry faces and mankind was left with pretty clean-shaven suburbanites and smelly guys whose beards looked like road kill. Men have never been the same and America has gotten weaker.

The effects of this are still felt today, as no president has had facial hair since the pre-Kennedy era. When you see someone in the political world with facial hair, the media immediately trashes them and tells them to buy a razor. All major news stations have become the political world’s version of TMZ. What they should be saying when the “Rent Is Too Damn High” guy is running for office is, “Wow! Look at this motherfucker! That’s the awesomest goddamned beard American politics has seen in a century, vote for him!”

The world wants you to think that we are a dying breed. Real men with luscious facial locks still exist and our numbers seem to be increasing because frankly, the status quo is a bunch of bullshit and we don’t care what slaves to the status quo think.

Look at professional athletes. Whenever the playoffs roll around, these dudes stop shaving until they win the championship or are eliminated by a team with better beards. Why do you think the Boston Red Sox came out of nowhere and won the World Series last year? Why did the Blackhawks dominate the NHL? In the Blackhawks case, they were even backed up by the extra power that they got from Patrick Kane’s mullet! Why did the Blackhawks lose this year in the Western Conference Finals? They had less beard and no mullet. Hell, in baseball, the best relief pitchers are the guys with insane beards. Look how dominant of a closer Brian Wilson was before he got hurt and let go by the San Francisco Giants. Wilson may have the best beard in sports history.

One thing that you’ll notice is how much fear men who don’t have beards or who can’t grow beards have for the facial-haired warrior. We live in a world and a system run by pretty boy feminist sycophants that frown at us and hold us down because they hate themselves for shaving and manscaping their genitalia in an effort to be sexually appealing to these modern wannabe Jacqueline Onassis chicks. While these dudes strive to be a really shitty caricature of Don Draper from Mad Men, they should really stop giving a fuck so much and just be more like Stan Rizzo. It’s a no brainer that Stan has become the coolest guy on the show after rejecting societal standards, just letting go and being himself.

There are guys desperate to be manlier in this world lacking manliness. I get it, that’s why I write half the shit I write. They grow beards as a form of defiance and in most cases, aren’t even sure why, it just feels right. Maybe once you get to the thirtyish mark, you really say “fuck it” and let go. You become much more confident in yourself and less dependent on other people and what they think. You realize that to be a more complete person and a better leader, you have to stop giving a shit about how you’re perceived and just take the bull by the fucking balls. No one respects a panderer. Do you think Teddy Roosevelt pandered or gave a shit what people thought about his robust mustache? No, he just went about his business, mustachioed grill forward, and never looked back.

I haven’t been fully clean-shaven since my father last made me shave when I was 16. Since then, I have had a beard of some sort and I never plan on not having one. Over the years, the more I’ve let it grow and the thicker it has become, I’ve garnered more respect from men and have received more compliments from the right kinds of women. The woman I’m seeing now introduced herself to me at a Spring Training game a few months back because she loved my beard.

For the record, a woman that is turned off by facial hair probably only dates the pretty boy type yet can’t understand why their man-children never live up to their long-term expectations. They’ll keep following that same cycle though, so if you’re smitten with one of these types of women, you should evolve and move on. Besides, within a decade they’ll be living in a small apartment full of piss-soaked cats and a couple kids from different dead beat pretty boys.

If you’re rocking a sweet beard, you’re doing alright. Don’t let the assholes of the world sway you. If you can’t grow a good one, that sucks. If you grow a shitty one that looks like a Wookiee pelt that’s been run over by a swamp buggy, clean that shit – be respectable for Christ’s sake! Speaking of which, don’t even get me started on the magic powers Jesus had because of his magnificent beard.

Also, don’t get me started on that Movember bullshit. I get that it is for a good cause or whatever but it is a bitch holiday for bitchmen to feel like they’re masculine for thirty days before they get all chicken shit after developing a third testicle. Fuck that trendy crap, support the cause and don’t make it an excuse to feel like you’re extra manly for a month. The cause you should support is the one that makes you less of a bitch.

The point is, we’re supposed to look like this. The universe didn’t bless us with this awesome feature if we weren’t supposed to showcase its glorious plumage. There is nothing wrong with proper grooming and looking nice; in fact, that is encouraged. Just don’t shave your face because someone else has told you that you’re supposed to. It’s hard to be a distinguished grizzly if you’re hairless.