Retro Relapse: Dude, You’re Not My Girlfriend

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I think we’ve all known this guy at some point. He’s the guy that is one of your buddies but kind of always acts like the girl in those “overly attached girlfriend” memes. He’s easily upset, always wants to be the center of attention, a total drama queen, a jealous diva and a snooty bitch. What I’m talking about here is a weird enigma that is becoming an epidemic, as many more men seem to be adopting these behavioral traits. If you’ve got a male friend who has a tendency to act more like an annoying girlfriend than a guy you want to go to the game with, this post’s for you.

Guys today, as I have talked about in previous articles, aren’t the buffalo hunting badasses of previous eras. Sure, some of us are, but hunting buffalo is now illegal because our swashbuckling badassery almost wiped them out. This isn’t about murdering tasty buffalo though, it is about getting these bitch men we all know, back on track – if that’s even possible.

A few guys I know, don’t act like men in the realm of building relationships with other men. They don’t seem to understand the unwritten codes and laws of manhood. Those who know these codes, know what I am talking about. If you don’t, it isn’t my fault that your DNA isn’t working properly. These bitch men who don’t seem to know and respect the code and the way things are, tend to act more like sensitive girlfriends who embody a level of neediness more fitting of a spoiled female child at her sweet sixteen party.

I think the easiest example is to paraphrase a texting conversation that I had recently:

Him: Are you coming over for dinner or not?
Me: No, dude. I told you like a week ago when you asked that I had shit to do.
Him: WTF? We never see each other anymore? You never come to my house.
Me: I told you a week ago that we could do something on Wednesday.
Him: Yeah, well I don’t know. I’ve got shit going on too.
Me: Cool. Whatever. Let me know.
Him: So what’s your plans tonight.
Me: I’m going out with (insert random name here) for his birthday.
Him: Oh, him again? Don’t you guys see each other enough.
Me: Well, alright then.
Him: So, that’s it?
(no response)
(5 mins. later) Him: So we’re on for Wednesday?
Me: You’re supposed to let me know.
Him: Well, I really wanted to do something TONIGHT. That was the plan.
(no response)

I think that sums up the kind of dude I am talking about and that’s just one scenario but you get the picture.

I’m not sure why many men act like this but I find it bizarre. There is a whole slew of reasons someone could point a finger at but between the bitch men I know and the bitch men my other male friends know and have told me about, all these guys come from vastly different scenarios and upbringings.

Maybe this is just one of the negative effects that has developed due to modern society pushing for a more androgynous face. Men in America have been becoming more and more emasculated due to a myriad of reasons. I’m not bitching about that per se but when men are demonized for being themselves and young boys are raised in a less manly world, shit like this is what you’re going to get. Also, with a lot of young males being raised as “mama’s boys” due to absentee fathers, one would have to consider that a possible factor. But again, when analyzing the sea of bitch men out there, each one comes from completely different and contrasting circumstances.

I don’t push most of these guys away or blow them off because despite them acting like an approval-seeking needy girlfriend all the time, most of them are actually good and decent people at their core. It’s just that something isn’t working upstairs for them. I don’t know what that is, I wish I did so I could help them in a more effective and direct way than just putting all this out there.

Additionally, you can’t even really point this stuff out to them because, like an annoying girlfriend, they have an insane level of sensitivity. Sorry, but I have never been the type of motherfucker to coddle people, especially a goddamned man. And if I just told them to “man up” they’d misinterpret that as “hey go buy a paintball gun” or worse yet, they’d cry. Hell, I’m wondering how many of these guys will read this and possibly give me the silent treatment. Well, at least for ten minutes or so, until they need me to tell them they’re pretty.

At the end of the day, I have enough drama and bullshit dealing with women. Granted, I seek out less dramatic women but they always have some level of dramatic bullshit that they will bring to the table. Truthfully, I don’t mind it that much in women overall, if they’ve got their shit generally in check. However, when I hang with my fellow men, it is an escape from dealing with the ladies because it is a totally different dynamic. I get different things from my relationships with women and my friendships with men. I don’t need a bunch of dude’s ruining my female downtime by acting like fucking females. I don’t care and I don’t have the attention span for it. I’d rather just sit home alone drinking bourbon, eating ribeye and watching Steve McQueen movies.

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