RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.
*Written in 2014.
Being a man in the modern world is often times difficult. I mean, it really shouldn’t be if we embrace who we are and stop worrying about stepping on the toes of those who may find our masculinity offensive. Fuck those people, whether they’re feminist trollops or apologetic dudes suffering from a chronic case of dick guilt. Those people really don’t matter to me other than being a minor nuisance in life, kind of like a fruit fly in my face when I’m trying to eat ribeye.
Moving forward, being a man has become somewhat difficult for several fellows I know. You see, many guys find it necessary to fill up my phone with texts that look as if they are coming from 13 year-old middle school girls. I get one word texts like “sup”, “holla” and other words that are mostly spelled incorrectly and so ambiguous that I’m not sure if I am supposed to respond to it or if I should wait because it looks like they accidentally hit “Send” before finishing the sentence.
Then there are all the acronyms and texting shorthand bullshit that I’m supposed to know. The simple ones are “lol”, “lmao”, “rofl”, “roflmao”, “omg”, “brb” and some others. Then there are the more difficult acronyms like “afaik”, “fyeo”, “ianal”, “nagi”, “ptb”, “qq” and so on. I thought “ianal” was just lanai spelled backwards or it meant what it says,”ianal” a.k.a. “I am down for anal.” Apparently it means “I am not a lawyer.” Yes, a thirty-something dude sent that to me. I told him to stop texting me like I’m his adolescent girlfriend. How or why he even knows that acronym and thought that I would as well is pretty baffling to me.
I also get “k” instead of “ok” or “okay”. Are you that lazy that you can’t type an extra letter and send an “ok” instead of a “k”? How busy you must be, I’m glad you took the time out to send me that one letter. Then there are the guys who prove they aren’t lazy, just lame as hell and too cutesy to be men when they send “kk”. Men aren’t supposed to be cutesy, leave that shit for the flower girl in your wedding photos.
Then you get those guys who abbreviate short words and text crap like “r u seri”. Are you asking if I am Siri because you spelled her name wrong or are you asking if I am serious? Who the fuck knows. Just type out “Are you serious?” It isn’t hard and I just typed it in this very sentence and it took less than two seconds maybe even less than one second.
Another texting issue with some guys, is the dudes who seemingly can’t finish a thought before hitting “Send”. For instance, you get like four texts within 4 seconds, all of which add up to one sentence or a group of words that could’ve been articulated in a normal sentence. Think about what you want to say and articulate it in a single text. Don’t rush to send me every bit of thought progression going through your slow moving mind. I understand that sometimes a text needs a quick follow up, as yes, sometimes you need to quickly send a footnote but to send 3-4 additional footnotes every time you send a text is ridiculous and it makes me want to block your number. I’ll be honest, sometimes I’ll mute a conversation like this and not check up on it for another day.
Then there is the chronic “lol” user. The guy who types “lol” after everything, even stuff that isn’t humorous or funny. There’s a special breed that even puts multiple “lol”‘s in a single text. Was there a sale on “lol” bookends at Bad Grammar Depot? The “lol” has almost become a nervous laugh for insecure dudes. You know the guys who nervously chuckle and laugh after every sentence. Well, this is the text version of that and it is even more annoying. Frankly, I don’t think any dude should even type “lol” unless he is bitching about it like myself or trying to be ironic or sarcastic. In those instances, a perfectly timed “lol” can actually be associated with something funny.
I also hate having texting conversations with one word answerers. Yes, often times one word is sufficient but when you are discussing something detailed, a constant stream of “yes”, “nice”, “cool”, “sweet”, “awesome”, “whoa” and “lol” doesn’t progress things along nicely. It is like talking to a wall. It is texting’s version of the guy who can’t make small talk. You know, the guy sitting next to you when you ask, “How’re you tonight?” and he responds with “Fine.” Then you follow up with, “Come here often?” and he says “Yes.” Then you ask, “So what do you do?” and he answers with “Construction.” Yeah, great talking to you, buddy.
Dudes who text like this piss me off because it says several things about them. The first, is that they have poor images of themselves because they don’t even think that they look like an idiot when texting like someone who should be out with their mother shopping for a training bra. Secondly, if you can’t text a full sentence, it tells me that you really don’t have time to converse and our dialogue isn’t all that important to you, even though you were the one that initiated conversation with “sup?” Additionally, it makes me question your intelligence and heart because not only aren’t you annoyed by this intellectually lethargic and incredibly impersonal way of communicating but you participate in it and lower yourself to this new norm of Twitter shorthand and atrocious grammar.
The great manly men of yesteryear, had they had smartphones, wouldn’t have texted like this. They would have sent clear and concise messages back and forth that wouldn’t be littered with Twittalk and confusion. They’d send texts like “Meet you at Moe’s Tavern at 9 p.m.” or “Don’t forget to bring the bourbon.” or “We acquired steak. Feel free to swing by this evening around 7 p.m.” And frankly, that is how I text because that is the proper way to text. It is still short and straight to the point but it is clear and one shouldn’t feel like they’re a female child. If you violate your manliness while texting, you might as well be watching One Direction concert DVDs and pining over Edward Cullen. Congratulations, the evil feminists have won because you are now a little girl.
Texting like a man, isn’t difficult. All you have to do is see yourself as a man and not some weakling that has compromised his manliness after years of texting girls who themselves still think that they’re thirteen. Keep your texts short and concise but clear. Fuck the acronyms and never ever and I mean, never ever use an emoticon! When you send a text, think of it as a short email response. Kind of like a quick business email you need to send to a potential client to confirm something. You wouldn’t email a client “c ya 2mrw @ the meeting dood! *smily face.”
To be honest, I don’t know how any self-respecting guy can commit these texting violations and not feel like an emasculated wuss.