Retro Relpase: Hey There, Mr. Movember

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

It is just about that time of year again, where us bodaciously bearded man-beasts have to deal with some amateur wannabes trying their damnedest to attempt at being manly men for thirty days.

Let me start by saying that I’m all for supporting the right kind of causes. What Movember supports is a bit confusing as it is a collage of manly health issues. Honestly, it just seems like a disorganized clusterfuck that claims it is drawing attention to “man problems” while used as a smokescreen for some guys to actually fulfill two agendas.

One: it gives bitchmen the ability to feel like tough guys because they have charity as an excuse to grow really shitty mustaches that make them look like perverts.

Two: it gives bitchmen a reason to embrace other bitchmen because if women have their pinkie breast month in October, they should have their prepubescent middle schooler facial hair love fest to raise money for a multitude of random man things.

I’m all for bringing some much needed attention to the issues on an individual basis but it is hard to ascertain just what the fuck is going on when there is just a bunch of shit tossed into a basket. This just perpetuates the “fight for the cause” herd mentality that a lot of Americans have.

What I am talking about is how most people see a cause or hear about a cause and just jump on it and never actually look into it to see if it is really worthwhile and not a waste of time. Many people tend to be afflicted with a chronic guilty conscious and need to ease that guilt by feeling like they are doing something positive. They don’t really care if they are actually doing anything or not. As long as they participate in some way, they can pretend their guilt is gone – only for it to return with a lot more weight next time around.

I can’t count how many times I’ve seen some prepubescent pervert-looking jackass in November and asked, “So why are you attempting to grow a mustache?” Only to get a response like, “It’s for the cause, man!”

“Yeah? What cause?”
“You know, Movember!”
“What about it? What does this help?”
“I think it’s for cancer?”
“So you don’t know exactly? How is your mustache helping whatever the actual cause is?”
“It’s bringing awareness to it?”
“How? You don’t even know what it is actually bringing awareness to?”
“Yeah, dude! But it’s Movember, bra! Fuck the world, right?!”

This is a guy that owns a “Kony 2012” shirt because he thought that he would be a better choice for president than Barack Obama last election cycle. This guy also dumped a bunch of ice on his head two months ago because he thought it somehow raised awareness for.. I don’t know.. what was that thing again? ALS? American League Soccer?

I know that I am coming off as a complete dick. I’m fine with that. I just want to see people become aware and knowledgeable of what it is exactly that they are supporting. I’d prefer to live in a world where people don’t just jump on the bandwagon because some fucking celebrity and all their non-critical thinking friends are all trying to alleviate the guilt in their empty viral age souls.

If you believe in a cause, then fucking believe in it. It’s not some fun thing where you get to pretend you’re a manly man for thirty days only to countdown till December 1st, just so you can shave your lip because your false badge of manhood is too much for you to handle. And if you truly want to support the cause, you don’t grow a fucking mustache and call it a day. You donate money, raise money, volunteer your time and actually effect the cause in a tangible and positive way. People dying of ass cancer (and a bunch of other causes) isn’t just some reason to adopt a monthly mustache fad once a year. You’re a joiner and a sheep in a world where the shepherds themselves are blind.

If the cause is truly important to you, be a fucking leader. If it isn’t that important to you, don’t pretend that it is.

Additionally, real men who find these things important are doing their part. They don’t need to play dress up and look like they taped daddy’s shaved off whiskers to their face. In fact, most of these real men are probably sporting real beards and gnawing on a bison leg as they toss their hard-earned shillings into a bag and mail it off directly to the cause.

I’ve made it my personal mission not to just ignore the do-nothing pube faces, but I’ve also decided to really look at all the stuff that is included in this Movember collage, learn what each cause does and then look to see what they would do with my money and decide if it is worth sending them a personal check – directly and without third parties and marketing firms as middle men. And yes, I said “money”. Because you can’t pay for stuff by just growing out your girl ‘stache.

Maybe I will write about my findings at a later date, in an effort to shed some light on these various organizations out there trying to help the many men’s health issues.

At the end of the day, I always think about this though:

Why is there an organization for breast cancer, another for lung cancer, one for prostate cancer and others for every other type of cancer? Why don’t they all band together and put all their resources and money to use for one huge cause: CURING CANCER? All of it! Not ass cancer, titty cancer or lung cancer but CANCER!

The answer to this is simple, because each and every cause is a big business. While some may be ethical and ran with great intentions, many are not – even if they started out that way. That is why you really need to know how your dollar is being spent. But then, most people don’t even go that far because growing a few rat pubes on their lip is enough to make them feel like a hero until the next fad comes along in a month.

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