Retro Relapse: Juicing & Cigarettes

RETRO RELAPSE is a series of older articles from various places where I used to write before Talking Pulp.

*Written in 2014.

I’m going to try and keep this one short and sweet.

Juicing is a huge trend that is going on right now. After that Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead movie, everyone in America seems to be buying into the hype.

Granted, juicing has been around for decades but it has seen a big resurgence since that film came out a few years ago. I’ll admit, I watched it, I was touched about the guy’s struggle and how drinking 250 gallons of kale every day and never touching actual food helped him lose weight and all that. But then, starving yourself is probably going to lead to weight loss.

Personally, I tried juicing. Not as a complete meal replacement system where I did nothing but juice morning, noon and night. I just wanted to get some vitamins straight from the source in a quest to be healthier overall. I made some juices, drank them and then felt like I needed to puke. The aftertaste was disgusting, it was like a tree came to life and puked down my throat! In the end, I quit juicing pretty quickly and switched to taking a multivitamin and eating more vegetables: problem solved. Besides that, the more I read about juicing, the more I saw that it was a waste of time and pretty much crap, like all trendy diets, really. Here‘s Rational Wiki’s entry about juicing.

This post isn’t about my history with juicing, it is about hypocrisy and body image issues. This goes out to all the pretty girls I see walking out of Whole Foods sucking down their juice. Well, not all the pretty girls, just the ones who are violently puffing cigarettes between each sip of plant piss.

I don’t get the point. You juice religiously every day and yet you smoke cigarettes like a World War II sailor? You do understand that this is pretty counterproductive, right? You juice for super health but then you voluntarily suck down chemicals and smoke which are going to lead to some of the worst health problems that one can have.

I get it though, you hardcore bitches want to look good right now and juicing does that. However, the cigarette just enhances your hardcore bitchness and god forbid you don’t come off as hardcore. Well that, and you probably can’t quit smoking because it’s really hard.

You see, you’re motivated to take the steps to work on your outer beauty and perceived health but when it comes to what’s inside, you treat it like a chemical waste plant. But hey, no one can see what’s inside and it won’t prevent you from being viewed as a dynamite sex vixen. In fact, cigarettes are fucking sexy. They’ve been ingrained in pop culture material since the early 20th century, maybe even the 19th century. Old school classic chicks smoking these cancerous death sticks in black and white is a turn on, I’ll admit it. It is also fantasy. Movies aren’t real and marketing is pretty much a bunch of bullshit. Trust me, I’ve worked in marketing for well over a decade. I’ve also worked in the tobacco industry, so there’s that too.

What is it that makes you so obsessed with outer beauty and looks but makes you seemingly uncaring about what’s inside? You’re playing Russian roulette with your health but as long as you look hot on the outside for a few years before all the bad shit creeps up on you, I guess that’s okay, right?

I’m certainly not a pillar of health but I’ve made some drastic changes over the last year or so and it is about moving forward. It’s hard to completely change oneself overnight but take the right steps, if you truly do value your health. I drink bourbon, smoke cigars, eat fatty meats and all that other man shit but I have significantly cut back in the last few years because I realized that due to the fact that I love all that stuff, I’d like to live a lot longer and enjoy it for more years to come. That means moderation.

What moderation has taught me, is that I enjoy these things even more when I have them now because they’re more of a treat than just everyday things I do. They’ve regained their luster.

As for smoking cigarettes, I still do that sometimes when I’m drinking heavily and socially. But since I don’t drink too heavily anymore, I don’t think I’ve even had a cigarette in over a year.

If you’re going to buy into the myth that juicing is some magic fix-all, you should probably quit smoking outright.

Realistically, juicing isn’t a magic fix-all like most fad diets, which I plan to write about in a future article. Besides, juicing is already kind of gross, so why add smoking to it? I certainly don’t want to make out with a girl that tastes like tree farts, chemicals and soot.

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